Too Much and Not Enough

August 25, 2008 annoyances, changes, insecurties, issues, life lessons, ranting & raving, so stoopid, stuff that bites, stupid mistakes, uncensored, updates, work

I thought that yesterday would be easier, because the first day is always the hardest…right? In a sense, it was easier. I knew what to do and I got better at making beds and finishing them at a certain time. In another sense, it was harder. Harder on the body, harder on the spirits.

I was finished work at a quarter to 5. It was a long day because some of the other workers were not worker their hardest and therefore, we had to help them finish their rooms. By the time I got into the car, I was aching from head to toe. By the time I got to Bam’s house and crashed on his bed, I was so stiff and sore moving felt impossible.

I called my mom crying, and Bam crying too (since he was at Dragon’s) because I hurt so much and just knew that tomorrow would be worse. I wasn’t sure if I could put my body through it again, I wasn’t sure if my body would let me put it through that again. I knew that there was no way in hell I would make it through this week.

I feel stupid and pathetic. I’ve only worked two days at the hotel, and yet I am unable to work another day there. I can’t. My body refuses to cooperate with what I want. What I want is to work like any other normal person, to make money and be proud of what I’m doing. My body and my mind are two different things. My body shys away from pain, while my mind tries to overcome it and continue on. All day long I kept saying to myself “If I make it through one more day, I’ll be that much stronger” but at the end of the day I was that much weaker.

I’m ashamed of myself, really ashamed. The housekeeper supervisor went out on a limb and hired me. She told me she hoped I didn’t screw them over after I assured her I could work every weekend. I was sure that I could, I was positive I could train my body and mind to cope with the pain and work those 2 days a week. But the issue at hand is that I’m supposed to work every day for the rest of the summer, and I know everywhere in my body and mind that that goal is just impossible for me to meet.

I bet the ladies I worked with are all standing around the staff room bitching about how I let them down and how I’m a horrible person. After all, there was only going to be about 4 people working today. I was one of those people. But I know that if I had gone in today, I wouldn’t have been any help at all. I would have been slow and stupid, and annoyed the girl who was training me.

I probably should have told the housekeeper supervisor about my medical condition before accepting the job, but I was too afraid too. Every other place that I was honest with ended up not hiring me because I couldn’t do all the things they wanted me to do.

I probably should have realized just how tough housekeeping is. It’s a nonstop standing, bending, crouching, walking, moving job. Sure, I got three breaks throughout the day - two fifteen minute ones and one half hour one - but that wasn’t enough for me.

I feel lower than low, and sorer than sore. I know that I’m not going to find that “dream job” right now, but a job that I could do without causing myself too much pain and discomfort would be pretty sweet.

Bam thinks I should go on disability since it’s hard for me to find a job that I can physically do. I don’t know though. I have high morals about what I will and will not do reguarding my medical disability. I’m not dying, I can walk (sometimes) and I’m resourceful, so why shouln’t I work? I don’t take pain killers because a) they don’t work and b) I dislike not being incontrol of my thoughts. I probably should start taking something, but I don’t want to. Besides, clearly my doctor is too busy, for he hasn’t called me back yet reguarding my surgery date or reguarding my inquiry about booking another appointment so he could look at that bone growth on my hip that’s growing rapidly. Plus I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m weak. Always calling with my questions, always begging for answers.

I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do at this point. I liked the people I worked with (though they probably hate me now) and the job was interesting for the most part, it was just too hard on my body. I feel weak saying that. I need the money but I know that I can’t do it, because if I do I’ll end up in the hosptial due to loosing the use of some important limb.

Edit: I just spoke to the housekeeper supervisor. I expected her to be all angry at me and frustrated, but surprisingly she wasn’t. I guess it’s cause I breifly mentioned on my first day that winters might be hard on me, and because the girl who trained me saw one of my scars and asked me about it, so I told her. I have a feeling she reports everything I say to the housekeeper supervisor, so in a way that’s a good thing. The supervisor is going to talk to the overall boss to see if I can get in at reception, but since I can’t do housekeeping anymore I’m no longer worker there. Hopefully I can get in to do housekeeper, that or at least get an interview with the people at the call center. I need cash soon times.

Whatever You Like

August 23, 2008 completely random crap, ranting & raving, updates, work

Normally, I’m not much for rap music…but T.I’s Whatever You Like is really cute (this YouTube version sucks but whatever I’m not spending the time hunting for the best video).

So my first day of work was interesting to say the least. No gross room stories yet, but my coworkers assure me it will happen eventually. It’s hard work. It doesn’t sound like it, but its time consuming and very phsyical…even more physical than my group home job was. Housekeepers do 16 rooms a shift by themselves, spending half an hour tops in each room. You’ve gotta stripe the beds, remake them (a certain way), dust and disinfect every surface, clean every inch of the bathroom, and vacuum. Sure, it doesn’t sound like a lot and I didn’t think it would be but it is.

I work from 9am until whenever I’m done my 16 rooms…sometimes [but rarely] it’s 3pm, but most days its around 4 or 5 when everything gets done. I get paid a shitty $8.75 an hour, but whatever…it’s money. I made like $71.75 today alone so that’s like $143.50 a weekend. I’m only going to work weekends throughout the school year…but hopefully that will be enough to get at least started on paying off my debts.

I honestly hope I can stick this job out. It’s hard work, I’m not going to lie that my body is killing me right now. It’s quite hard to move. But I’m sucking it up because the job is pretty fun for the most part, the ladies I work with are hilarious and the atmosphere is pretty awesome too. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that I make it through this week; the housekeeper supervisor wants me to work all week.

Anyways, it’s getting late again. I thought I had time to read blogs tonight but it’s like 11 and I’m exhausted and have to work again tomorrow is it bad that I already need a vacation?

I’m Gonna Be A Shake Board Dancer!

May 26, 2008 completely random crap, updates, work

So on Wednesday I start my 4 day job marketing the opening of a pizza shop in town. I get paid 14 bucks an hour to dance around with a sign on the side of the street - whoot! The shifts are only 4 hours, but it will put some extra cash in my very empty wallet - and trust me, that’s much needed!

If I do spectacular dancing around with a sign and draw lots of attention to the pizza shop, then I might be offered more jobs with the marketing agency! That sounds exciting, doesn’t it?

Unfortunately this means that I have to miss some of the huge BBQ my dad is having on Saturday…and my little sister’s birthday dinner and party. I feel bad about that but there isn’t much I can do…I need this money. Apparently Bell has been calling looking for money…despite the fact that I told them to charge it to my Visa every month…

Anyways, I’m babysitting so this is it for an update for now!

Just Because

November 20, 2007 Sarcastica!, college life, friends, good times, life lessons, pictures, rainbows and butterflies, ranting & raving, updates, work

So Avitable urged me to create this post dedicated to how thoughtful and kind he is - because he actually is. I came home from work this morning to find a huge mother effing box in front of my door!

Avi had purchased a Just Because basket for me, because as he says it: The best antidote to a bad break up is food. So true Avi, so true. Luckily I was able to take some pictures before I devoured it…yum! Thanks again Avi!!! You rock!

(After this picture…I ate it. All. Muhaha)

In not-as-exciting news; I worked with Sherri again last night. She’s totally awesome; except for the lectures on my crush? (not sure if I still have it) on HCW. She keeps telling me to stay far away, because there are certain rules about dating/having flings with co-workers. *Sigh*. Not that it mattered anyway; HCW was unresponsive to my flirting, and I refuse to chase after a rebound. Rebounds should come to you, just like chocolate should…

But we are going bowling with a bunch of other co-workers…and I will be asking him for a ride (since we work the same shift…so why not? I’m rideless if he doesn’t).

But I am thinking about flirting with this adorable Adam Brody look alike; he is exactly like the nerdy Seth Cowan on the OC. Avitable gave me a bunch of reasons why this was so far a good idea of mine…but we’ll see. For now I’m just…I don’t even know. Eating chocolates and other such candy.

And starting that research paper…that was due on Friday. I got an extension though…which means I should probably start it eh? Jesus I’m terrible at this shit. I hate research papers.

Oh ya, I almost forgot; I put in an application for Ford Models. I decided I wanted to try modeling. Why not? I take enough pictures of myself…should get paid for it. I could make more money…and meet cute guys…and make Nifty insanely jealous because he won’t be able to say he’s dating a model because he isn’t. Ya. So keep your fingers crossed for me!

P.S I am sad I didn’t do the whole NaNoWriMo thing; I had a shitload of crap to say this month

Black and Blue

November 19, 2007 Sarcastica!, annoyances, changes, college life, creepy, life lessons, rainbows and butterflies, stuff that bites, updates, work

I am utterly and completely exhausted. I’m ditching classes today because I know that I would fall asleep in them. My first class is a Communication’s lecture; we’re learning about pronouns. I think it’s safe to skip that one. My second and last class of the day is Computers, and I really can’t tell with that teacher today. I swear I would probably bite her head off if she uttered a single word. Her voice is just so annoying and gah!!

Anyways, I worked last night. From 2pm until 8am this morning; I was the one-on-one to a resident to ensure he was having fun and not getting into trouble from 2pm until 10pm. I also brushed all the residents teeth before bed. That’s when my stupidity made itself apparent yet again.

I forgot that one of our residents is a biter if given the opportunity. While brushing his teeth, I decided to stick my finger in his mouth to part his lips more so I could clean the back of his teeth. Stupid move. Obviously, he bit down; and hard. I said “Ow, quite biting me” and tried to pull my finger out. It took a minute, but I finally pulled it loose. It hurt so much, and I had to hold back tears because not only was HCW in the bathroom brushing teeth with me, but he was brushing the teeth of Mr. Freakout and if I were to cry he would have gone crazy.

But at least I wasn’t the only dense person in that bathroom. HCW asked “what’s wrong with you?” and I told him that I just got bite, which would explain me saying “Ow, quite biting me” and me swearing. HCW then asked me if I had just gotten bitten. Um, ya. Dumbass. Lucky you’re hot.

I almost had to go to the hospital. The shift head said that any open bite wounds ended up in a trip to the hospital. Luckily, mine wasn’t open. It only bleed because I pulled it out, not because the resident had broken my skin. It still hurts like a bitch though, and it’s black and blue. But I learned my lesson. I also learned thanks to the shift head that I should not have pulled my finger out but rather pinched his nose or pretended to bite him back. HCW couldn’t have told me that though when he was standing right beside me. Nope.

But the rest of the night was okay. After everyone was in bed, HCW and I did a bit of flirting - I think. He told me scary stories and we heard noises from the basement so we went to go check it out. Then he laughed at me because I ran upstairs haha. When he did grocery shopping he picked me up a coffee from Tims, then locked me outside. As I was opening the door with my key, he was joking around and pushed it shut, causing my coffee to spill on me and the key in the doorknob to stab my hand. He felt bad, but serves him right.

So at least I’m talking to him now, and I don’t think he hates me. I told him he always looks pissed off, and he said a lot of people said that but he rarely was.

And we’re going bowling! Well maybe. A bunch of people who I work with and I decided we should go bowling on a day we all have off; so we’re going on the 8th!

Damnit my finger hurts so much. I’m going to bed.

P.S I am super amused that one of my categories for this post is “stuff that bites” because boy, some stuff really does bite!

Stronger than I thought

November 11, 2007 Sarcastica!, adventures, changes, friends, good times, growing up, life lessons, pictures, rainbows and butterflies, updates, work

I have to admit that I am feeling much more better. I feel stronger without him. I feel prettier without him. Like I’ve mentioned, he hasn’t been there for me the last couple of months so therefore I haven’t felt so pretty.

I feel pretty now. I had an amazing weekend! Friday I worked from 4pm until 9, and then I did an overnight at the group home. My favourite person ever was working, Sherri, and we spent most of the night up and talking. I admitted to her something that I haven’t admitted to anybody yet, not even you guys.

I have a crush on someone. Not only is he really hot, but he’s also sensitive and caring. I work with him. He is in my program. I thought he was hot since day one, but I never spoke to him before I started working with him because I wanted to avoid crushing on someone and I really didn’t want to get to know him. Thinking he was hot was enough. Cheating is a big no-no, whether its emotional or physical. I didn’t want to do what Nifty (notice the new acronym) did to me.

Well now I’m free, so if I wanted to, I could get to know him. And OMG! He poked me on Facebook! Anyways, when Sherri and I were talking and I mentioned I had a crush on someone (she guessed right away) and said that I thought he would be the perfect guy because he seemed like a player, and I don’t want to get “involved” with anybody. I just wanna kiss a hot guy! However, to my surprise she advised me to stay far away from him. Apparently, he isn’t a player and is a really amazing guy. She’s had a lot of talks with him like the one we had and she knows him well. According to her, pretty women are drawn to him but he doesn’t know how to react because he is shy. Pff. I see him flirting it up with everybody! But then she also added that the three shift heads are extremely over protective of him because they don’t want him to be used and get hurt, and that I would piss them all off. It’s also a “scheduling conflict”.

So I can’t “fool around” with this guy because it is a “scheduling conflict”. I told Sherri I definitely wasn’t planning on marrying the guy, I just felt like kissing him (if he even were to notice that I’m alive). Then she lectured me on how I am gorgeous and he is most likely just intimated by me because I am so gorgeous and I know what I want. But I really don’t know. I think he’s cute, and I would like to get to know him but I really don’t need to be dragged into that vicious circle of gossip at work (trust me, it is vicious!). I also don’t want to grow attached to anybody. I wish I could be the kind of person who can separate emotions from being interested in someone, but whatever. For now I’m just going to not act on any impulses (which are to grab him and kiss him haha) and just enjoy being single (even though I could totally still enjoy being single if I was kissing a hot guy). Besides, my original plan was to kiss him and still remain single and unattached, but Sherri didn’t like this idea because she is also very over protective of him and doesn’t want him to get attached to me and get hurt. Fair enough.

That aside, the rest of my weekend was fun too. Saturday after my mom picked me up, I went and got my eyebrows done. So I feel much more human and less gorilla (since that’s Avitable’s department anyway). Then I dropped off a huge bag of clothes and the Build-A-Bear he got me for our 6 months at Nifty’s place. I really didn’t want to have it at my apartment anymore. Don’t worry though, he wasn’t home. However, his mom and his older sister were. Both of them begged me to stay for a bit to hang out with them. I declined, saying it would be awkward if he came home. They told me he was working and was barely ever home anymore anyway, then they told me they were both ready to smack him upside the head for being such an immature little dumbass. I felt more depressed about not seeing them as often as I did. His mom said she would get on Facebook so we could talk and made me promise to keep in touch. Then they both hugged me and I had to leave because my mom was waiting in the car.

Now I’m wishing I hadn’t mailed that letter I wrote. I wasn’t going to, but it did have a stamp on it and it was with my pile of outgoing letters (one to Mandy, a card for Ellie-May and one to Bell to pay for my phone bill) so when Roomy was heading to the convenience store she took them all to mail for me. But I honestly don’t care, let him read it. Let him respond/not respond however the hell he wants. I just don’t care anymore. A small part of me will always love him, but he has hurt me and its time to move on. I refuse to sit around waiting for him to come to his senses, who knows how long that would take - if it were to happen.

Anyways, after dropping the stuff off at Nifty’s house, I went to the mall with JD and Birdman. We got a lot of wicked photobooth pictures, and I felt so cute!

It was so funny trying to fit in the photobooth; those things are so freaking tiny! They have like one little seat not even the size of one of my butt cheeks. JD and I couldn’t stop laughing.

Then we decided to get photos with Birdman. Of course JD had to have one kissing one, so I attempted to get in on the action - a little to late as I was laughing so hard about how weird it was.

Roughly 300 bucks later, Gibby met up with us. I went with him to my house while JD and Birdman went to Birdman’s house to wait for everyone before we left for dinner. I wanted to change into new clothes first, and we figured we would get things done faster that way.

(I realize that I am stuffing my face with cake in both pictures, but shut up cause it’s hot.)

Dinner was hilarious! See that really awesome gold top I bought? I love it! It is absolutely amazing! And it’s silk too! The shoes I bought are adorable but very painful, I still have to break them in. They are cute flats with an half inch heal and they are brown and gold! They look hawt with that shirt! Anyways, the food sucked (except for the apple crumble - that was good) and it took us half an hour of waiting to get a seat. Of course, we did want a table for 11.

After dinner, we went to the movies and saw Dan In Real Life, only it sucked. Half of us left early. Then I came to work today and it didn’t suck too much. I am definitely sick of the gossip that goes on within the house between staff members. Not to mention, the psycho guy was anxious today and kept grabbing at me. I snapped at him, because he kept grabbing my arms. Then I avoided him.

So in conclusion to this really jumbled list of thoughts and events; I’m fine. I’m sorry things worked out the way they did with Nifty, and I’m sad we can’t be friends (clearly it isn’t going in that direction when he can’t even call me to let me know if/when he’s giving me my money). But I’m fine, I’m happy. I’m not going to shell up and not trust any guys, but I’m also not going to rush into any relationships (even with HotCoworker).

I also won’t spend anymore money. I’m happy with my purchases (cause they are damn hot!) but I’m going to be smart from now on.

Bet people are surprised I’m still smiling, but I realized I have no reason not to.

P.S. I think he is already sleeping with that girl from work. She’s already staying over at his house.

My head will explode shortly.

October 31, 2007 Sarcastica!, college life, creepy, ranting & raving, so stoopid, stuff that bites, updates, videos, work

Ok so I finally finished that community scan project that was due in Aboriginal Emphasis today. I have a splitting headache and I have to go to work for 1opm tonight. Yah, it’s another overnight sleep so I’ll be getting paid to sleep…but still, I don’t actually sleep during overnight sleeps.

I’m like The Princess and the Pea. I need a really comfortable bed in order to sleep peacefully, or I get a horrible nights rest - if anything. But there is someone really cool working. I worked with her on my first ever overnight sleep, and we got along great. She’s the first person I’ve met in this town who I can actually say I get along with perfectly fine. She doesn’t get on my nerves in anyway, and we are a lot a like; sarcastic, cynically, and sick of girl bull. I know, I’ve heard a million times from catty chicks that they hate drama, then they turn around and GIVE it, but I don’t think that this girl is like that. For starters, she’s 28 and seems older then that because of the way she acts.

Plus she cooks me really good food. Well not me per say but the food she cooks is amazing none the less!

Anyways, I have half an hour to get my other assignment started. It’s due tomorrow and I really do not want to do it. Apparently it requires a lot of research and I effing hate research. If I liked researching things, I would become a good damn researcher!

But enough babbling. I’m tired. I hope everyone else is enjoying Halloween tonight; let me know how much fun you had kay, cause I sure as heck didn’t have any. Although there is a CSI special on at 10 tonight; I’m going to watch it from the overnight sleep room. Nobody better puke tonight or I’ll smash some heads together.

Anyways, Happy Halloween!

When will I learn?

October 28, 2007 Sarcastica!, annoyances, issues, ranting & raving, so stoopid, stuff that bites, updates, work

I have two major assignments due this week, both of which I haven’t started yet. I don’t know where the week has gone; but it is gone. Tomorrow classes start up again. I really didn’t have a good reading week. In fact, it sucked balls. I started it out with damaging my back, then working practically every day - which didn’t help my back. Don’t get me wrong, I love my new job and I’ve grown very attached to the residents. I could go without the inner worker drama and gossiping though. The three girls I worked with today spent all day doing that and anytime they did interact with the guys it was to yell at them for something. So that was a piss off.

It’s also annoying being the “low man” on the totem pole. I’m used to running the show, and I don’t do that here. I mostly just do laundry; assist with feeding; hang out with the guys; and disinfect everything. Plus the daily student job (today I vacuumed the van).

But I do love it. I wish I had more hours in the day though; I’m way to exhausted to start all those assignments. Maybe I’ll have an hour nap and get up to do them. That sounds like a plan. I know I have to do them today - or at least start them - but I also know that I am so tired from not sleeping very well (thanks to back pain and ghosts) and would most likely do a crap job if I were to do them now.

I still have to pick up my police record check. And tomorrow I have to skip my communications lecture to go with a classmate to a local reserve to talk to the chief. I can’t start the assignment until I do that, and I’ve emailed my instructor (the nicer of the two) to explain my situation and see if I would lose marks for it possibly being late.

And yesterday was McPout’s party; it was looking pretty fun when I had to leave at 10pm because Nifty could only drive me back home at that time. I don’t know how the rest of it went but I had fun.

Anyways I’m going to go nap for a bit, then get started on my homework.

For the first time in history its gonna start raining men

October 27, 2007 Sarcastica!, annoyances, creepy, pictures, ranting & raving, so stoopid, stuff that bites, updates, work

That song has been stuck in my head since Thursday because I made a wicked cool dance to it with several members and volunteers from the Rec group. I think it is a very suitable title, so suck it.

Sorry, I am very cranky. My back is still in an ever unholy amount of pain, and I can’t even go to get it checked out - I can’t find my stupid health card. I know where it is - in the black wallet with gray squares - but I don’t know where that is. And I won’t be spending the day sleeping or doing homework, like I should, because McPout needs help setting up for her huge Halloween party tonight.

Lately, I have not had good luck. Reading week has been a horrible time for me. I started it out with getting sat on and then hurting my back more and more each day at work.

Then there was last night. Oh last night. I was supposed to work a 5 hour shift and go home to bed. The person who was scheduled to work the overnight sleep wasn’t able to come in, so they asked me if I could. I figured, why the heck not? Sleep for 7 hours and make 50 bucks, then work for 2 hours and get paid my hourly wage. It’s easy money.

How was I supposed to know that I wouldn’t get to sleep at all really? I didn’t know the damn place is like haunted. How else could you explain the child’s laughter coming from the basement when all residents were sleeping? Or the smell of a funeral home in the overnight sleep room? Or the generally uncomfortable feeling one gets when being anywhere near that area of the house?

So instead, I kept the full time night shift girl company. We shared spooky stories - which didn’t help me get to sleep at all - and she was kind enough to give me information I would actually find useful. Such as what sets off a psychotic resident. You know, stuff that would come in handy. Then around 3:30 in the morning, I finally gave up and went down to the really creepy overnight sleep room. It was that or expose myself to a somewhat dangerous situation. I kept the TV on loud and the lights on. I woke up every hour on the hour and felt totally uncomfortable all night morning long.

Now my mom is coming to pick me up, and then I have to go help McPout set up. I’m going to sleep on the way, sorry McPout! I need it! I really do!

But I’ll leave you all with this wicked picture of the costume:

Ya, and the eye makeup rocked too:

I should have brought those chocolate chip cookies…

October 25, 2007 Sarcastica!, adventures, annoyances, changes, family, issues, rainbows and butterflies, so stoopid, stuff that bites, updates, work

Oh the joys of being home! A dialup connection, spending the day rather alone because everybody is working or in school, and no good snack food to top it off! Of course we can’t forget my already aching back and hip, so we’ll throw that into the mix as well. Now I’m just one huge ball of complaints!

Work was pretty good, aside for a few mishaps. Nothing on my part, just some crappy medical happenings with a resident. I worked with a guy from my program, and that was pretty cool. I forgot he knew my name, since we don’t ever talk in class. But he seems friendly enough, and he’s great with all the residents. So maybe I’ll actually make friends with him so I have someone to talk to during the day (since all the people in my program are conceeded little bitches fake people).

Speaking of my program, I have yet to start on any of my assignments. I’ve barely given it a day of thought really. I want a break from all the assignments and work, so I’m just going to put it off until the weekend. Then I’ll do it.

Tonight I am finally going to visit my doctor and hopefully get an x-ray of my back, in which the pain level has increased. I blame working, and being pushed last night, and not putting ice on it when it happened. Yeah, I’m smart eh?

But I really like working. I love the job, and I like feeling as if I’m doing something good - which I am. I’ve already learned a lot (like how to do laundry) and I know I will learn more. So I’ll welcome the back pain if it means that by working, I’m doing good.

And tonight I get to go to the rec group Halloween Dance. I’m so excited! I can’t wait! I’ve already started getting ready (by painting my nails black haha) and I plan on taking a lot of pictures. B2 bought really wicked new knee boots, and if only they were a size bigger I would totally wear them because they would make my costume all the more better. Oh well, I’ll settle for those flats and not end up breaking my toes or ankles in the too-small boots.

In case it wasn’t already obvious, I am bloody bored. There isn’t anything for me to do right now. Nobody is home. I wish I had brought my assignments; I surely would have worked on them while I waited for my gorgeous mommy to get home. Then we are going to the walk in clinic.

Well I’m going to go read Somebody, Somewhere by Donna Williams. I ordered it from Barns and Noble after reading about it in my Psychology text book; it is written by a woman with autism. So far, it has been totally interesting; and I recommend reading it to anybody who is interested in learning more about autism and what it feels like.

On a completely different note; remind me never to have kids. Kthanx.