So Booth and I have finally found our song, he loves it just as much as I do 
I would elaborate but I’m too exhausted and I’ve got a huge test tomorrow, so listen to the song - it’s self explainatory!
Ya, he says it best.
I am very tired. I did the overnight sleep at work last night…and I really don’t sleep during the overnight sleeps. Too many loud noises that interrupt my beauty sleep — which I need in order to look as good as I look all the time. Ya.
So I have decided that I’ve really had enough of boy drama. I haven’t officially broken up with Chisel. I haven’t talked to him since two nights ago, and that “conversation” was brief; he explained why he fell off the face of the earth for 5 days and I wasn’t impressed. We didn’t get to talk about the state of our relationship, as his friend called and he just had to take it. He said he was going to call me back 20 minutes later…and he never did. So we have yet to discuss the state of things.
I am one of those people that can’t let things be without resolving them — although I am broken up with Chisel in my mind. I just want to actually tell him this - but I can’t if he has fallen off the edge of the earth. Oh well. I am so sick of boy drama.
Definitely not dating for the next while, definitely not.
Boy woes aside, I haven’t started packing yet. I know, thats bad…I’m moving in ten days and I haven’t even started packing yet. I need boxes and such. Tonight I work again, and then I have the next three days off; I am hoping to throw myself a goodbye party so I can see all my friends before I leave. I just have to sort out when, where, and who’s all invited
Now I’m going to catch up on reading and commenting all those lovely blogs out there that I have been neglecting because I am super busy 
no excuse, I know. I’ll make up for it today though!
P.S. Note to self; stop kissing friends. Not so much a good idea.
P.S.S if anybody can find me this song and send it to me I would be entirely grateful; I tried to find it on iTunes but no luck. I love this song. It reminds me of recent events, and thats not necessarily a bad thing. Anyway, the song is “Tonight” by FM Static:
So Dawg gave me an award for being honest; and I was really touched by what he said:
“Making the transition from child to adult is a painful and often heartbreaking process called being a teenager. If you want to taste the pain of those years then look no further than Sarcastica. Although it is usually easy to spot a teenage angst blog from half a mile away, that isn’t true with this one. In fact, if I could, I’d proof her to make sure she really IS as young as she says… because her perspective on life is a far more grown up way of looking at things than some adult bloggers I know. Still… there is purity of heart there… even if it is the heart of an older soul trapped in a younger body.“
I’m super touched that he doesn’t think that I am an angsty teen blogger, because I really don’t want to be an angsty teen blogger. I know that most of my posts aren’t exactly dancing in a field of tulips happy, but come on…who is 100% happy all the time? I know I’m not. I suppose I’m just a realistic person…for the most part.
Anyways, I’m really pleased that Dawg finds me to be so pure of heart…most of my friends wouldn’t agree!! Well, they just wouldn’t agree with me being pure in anyway I suppose…hehe.
I can admit though, I am very honest with my thoughts and feelings. I don’t hide them from anybody; why should I? We were meant to have them, not hide them. So here I am, spilling both thoughts and feelings onto this blog that I started 2 years and one day ago. I have shared many experiences and grown up a lot, and the proof of that is in previous posts. If you feel like going way back in the day to read them, go right ahead; you know where the archives are.
Anywho, thanks a bunch Dawg; you are totally sweet. And very thoughtful; most people don’t read the person behind the words, they just read the words.
Now, I hope you all enjoy this hilarious video. That is all, goodnight.
One of the hardest things that I have ever had to do was go to Brad’s visitation and funeral. I can’t even begin to describe it; and I won’t try or else I will end up balling my eyes out. They played his favourite music for the visitation, rap songs and rock. He looked so peaceful; and so still. His cell phone, favourite stuffed animal (cookie monster) and a hot wheels car were by his head. It took me 20 minutes to get to where he was; I started crying the moment I got there and signed the guestbook. The funeral was beautiful, but there wasn’t a dry eye. At the end of all the wonderful things they said about him, they played one of Brad’s favourite songs.
This stuff shouldn’t happen to young people. I miss Brad. I ache for his family; and for all of us who are suffering his loss. There are so many things I wish I could have said and done when I had the chance.
I have a scar on my right knee from that time at the Science Center when Brad chased me up that escalator. I hope I will always have it.
Unless, of course, you have a blog. Then it’s exposed for all to see.
I’ve come to a very important decision: I am not going to cry over this anymore.
I refuse to not have fun because he broke my heart. I refuse to let him be happy while I sulk and dream of the days when everything was good.
I’m going to go out, and have fun - just like I should in college. I’m going to go to more social outings and party more and just let loose for a while. Don’t worry, my studies won’t suffer at all. I can make time for studies and parties.
I’m going to shop for an entire new wardrobe and look sexy every day. Then when he comes crawling back to me, I’ll laugh in his face because it will be too late. It is too late. I’m gone. He won’t have any more pieces of my heart. I loved him once and won’t deny that I still have feelings for him, but he won’t bring me down anymore.
Lily Allen is so right, he’s Not Big.
Just wanted to share my new found determination with everyone.
So apparently, Nifty’s car is “broken”. Something to do with the heating, or whatever. I wasn’t listening when he told me - it was just another excuse. I had to call him. It’s Thursday morning and he still hadn’t called me back, still busy hanging out with the just a co-worker girl from work probably. I wanted to know if I was going to burn his clothes now or later.
He said he didn’t really need the clothes that I was going to give them. I told him I didn’t want them, but I mainly wanted to talk to him. He was suddenly interested in what I wanted to talk about. I said; “It’s 8:30 in the morning. Do you have time to hear what I have to say?” and guess what, he didn’t. He said he would call me at a better time and got all annoyed when I asked when that better time would be. He said “when I tell you it is.”
Luckily last night I wrote him a letter. A ten page long letter, breaking down everything for him and spelling it out in a very simplified way. I was having trouble sleeping anyway. In fact I only got three hours sleep so far today. I plan on going to sleep after this post, but who knows. I have been having so much trouble sleeping. I don’t want to see him or think about him, and he’s always there in my dreams, making all those promises of forever.
Anyways, in this letter, I made it perfectly clear that I was not the only one to blame, and I gave him detailed reasons and situations why. Like at camp, when he didn’t support me and have my back when his friends refused to listen to me. That was the same week he couldn’t give me more then 10 minutes alone after hours because he wanted to “prank” with his friends, yet he had time to chill out with a couple of other girls. And the whole money thing, did I mention that on Saturday he asked me to use my fucking credit card so he could buy a new drum set? Then he goes and tells me he didn’t love me that day. Wtf.
So gone are his pictures in my rooms (except for the one I just made on Friday, a frame of four pictures. I need to get ones with friends developed before I can take it down because there is a nail in the wall). He is even gone from my computer. Any pictures of us were put onto a memory key and deleted. I didn’t want to destroy those pictures forever, so that’s why I put them on the memory key. I put the stupid little nicknack’s he gave me in a box along with the memory key and a couple photobooth pictures, and put that in my closet for now. I have a bag full of his clothes. I have the letter in that bag of his clothes. I don’t know if I am going to mail it or drop it off on Saturday, when I go home. I’m thinking I’ll drop it off and leave it in his room. Or something. I still have a card to give Ellie-May. It is her birthday today after all. She’s five.
This is so unbelievably hard. I wish I could just press a key and delete all my feelings for him. I wish that I didn’t still love him and want to be with him (the old him) despite everything. I wasn’t happy for the last little while, and he didn’t care. He didn’t even try to make me happy.
I know it is his loss and I will be fine eventually, but this sucks. It really does.
I really miss my old blog template Karen hurry up and leave so you can hurry up and get back! 
Oh well, like I’ve been trying to tell myself; it isn’t about the template. If I say this enough in my head, surly I will eventually believe it, right?
Anyways, yesterday I didn’t talk to Nifty. At all. When I called again around 3pm, his mom said he was asleep. I tried again half an hour later and I missed him by two minutes, he went to work again and told his dad to tell me if I called that he would call me after work. But he didn’t call me after work. I woke up at 3 in the morning and realized that I had not spoken to him at all yet, and I went into panic mode. My stupid, not-fully cognitively developed brain started to believe that he didn’t like me anymore and didn’t want to talk to me.
When I finally spoke to him this morning, he said he had fallen asleep at the house of his friend from work. He had apparently gone over to the guy’s house to play Guitar Hero 2, and had been too tired to drive home.
I guess I really have to work a lot harder to scare him and give him heavier doses of his own medicine. A girl in my program suggested I go to their hockey game tomorrow night (it doesn’t start until late) and don’t talk to Nifty about it, or answer the phone while surrounded by a bunch of people and give short answers to “where are you?” and “who are you with?” (”I’m out with people”, would be the short answer response). Lets see how he likes it. He does it to me, so why can’t I return the favour? Yes, revenge is sweet.
My mom said I take things out on Nifty on this blog. She said I tend to blog about the bad stuff, like him not calling me and stuff. But really mother, who wants to blog about all the good stuff? You did say that stuff is to be kept private, muhahaha. Good thing she doesn’t have time to read my blog…or I might get smacked for that one. Or she would pretend she never read it.
Anyways, we were talking about Nifty’s recent behaviour while we hung out yesterday. My very intelligent mother said that he is acting so immature and indifferent because he is probably waiting for me to tell him I am dumping him for some college guy. He’s insecure about me going off to college because he’s still in high school. Add to the mix that I do not live at home anymore, and I’m further away. All these ingredients create a very immature, indifferent boyfriend. I don’t know why the hell he thinks that when I spend mostly all of my time thinking about him, wanting to talk to him, talking to him or BEING with him. I acting no different then I was when I was still in high school. So why does he have to be so insecure and why is he nervous I’m going to find someone different?
Probably because Nifty isn’t fully cognitively developed yet, and he won’t be until his middle to late twenties. Oh joy, at least eight more years of this crap.
I don’t know what to do though. Since he is most likely insecure about me being in college and worried that I’ll dump him for some college guy, I sincerely doubt that me going to a hockey game tomorrow night with the girls and giving short answers to questions will help with his insecurities and negative outlooks. But how can I make him realize that when he does it to me, it hurts? How can I make him see that I feel as if he doesn’t want to talk to me or be with me when he pulls things like that, and that it doesn’t help me feel confident about our relationship?
He used to be the mature one who knew when to soothe ruffled feathers, now he just likes ruffling the feathers. His new motto is “if you don’t want stupid answers, don’t ask stupid questions” and every time I ask a stupid question (like are you cheating on me) I get a stupid answer (of course, always. Every day. With Red). But he doesn’t get that I’m obviously going to assume he’s cheating because I’m super worried and confused about his recent behaviour of saying he’s going home to sleep and then not going home. And the whole calling me/not calling me thing.
But DAMN I am so sick of these little things irritating me. Why can’t everything just stay the way it was? With him calling me all the time and actually acting as if he missed me, instead of being scared to show how much he needs me in case I decide to leave? I miss the attentiveness he used to show.
I asked him in the car on Saturday why he doesn’t kiss me when he sees me anymore, and he said; “Because I’m waiting for you to kiss me, and you never do”. I guess we’re both just a couple of dumbasses though. I’m always waiting for him to kiss me, and he’s always waiting for me to kiss him.
Somebody smack us both. Or just him, I’m dainty and bruise easily.
I wish we could both just say what we mean and mean what we say. That would make things a lot less confusing. Instead, we are both too worried to express our worries and concerns, and instead we try to hide behind indifference. Nifty tries to busy himself with work and friends and I try not to think about it by forcing myself to do assignments and go to work. I don’t know if he’s having much luck in forgetting about missing me, but I’m definitely having a hard time forgetting about missing him.
This song completely and totally fits Nifty and I right now. Yes, I realize it isn’t the actual music video; but that is copyrighted.
P.S. I am super pissed off because I have already blown the NaBloPoMo challenge. I missed blogging on the 3rd. Damnit! I didn’t know it started in November I suck worse then Avitable’s people skills.
Ok so I finally finished that community scan project that was due in Aboriginal Emphasis today. I have a splitting headache and I have to go to work for 1opm tonight. Yah, it’s another overnight sleep so I’ll be getting paid to sleep…but still, I don’t actually sleep during overnight sleeps.
I’m like The Princess and the Pea. I need a really comfortable bed in order to sleep peacefully, or I get a horrible nights rest - if anything. But there is someone really cool working. I worked with her on my first ever overnight sleep, and we got along great. She’s the first person I’ve met in this town who I can actually say I get along with perfectly fine. She doesn’t get on my nerves in anyway, and we are a lot a like; sarcastic, cynically, and sick of girl bull. I know, I’ve heard a million times from catty chicks that they hate drama, then they turn around and GIVE it, but I don’t think that this girl is like that. For starters, she’s 28 and seems older then that because of the way she acts.
Plus she cooks me really good food. Well not me per say but the food she cooks is amazing none the less!
Anyways, I have half an hour to get my other assignment started. It’s due tomorrow and I really do not want to do it. Apparently it requires a lot of research and I effing hate research. If I liked researching things, I would become a good damn researcher!
But enough babbling. I’m tired. I hope everyone else is enjoying Halloween tonight; let me know how much fun you had kay, cause I sure as heck didn’t have any. Although there is a CSI special on at 10 tonight; I’m going to watch it from the overnight sleep room. Nobody better puke tonight or I’ll smash some heads together.
Anyways, Happy Halloween!
| www.flickr.com |
