I thought that yesterday would be easier, because the first day is always the hardest…right? In a sense, it was easier. I knew what to do and I got better at making beds and finishing them at a certain time. In another sense, it was harder. Harder on the body, harder on the spirits.
I was finished work at a quarter to 5. It was a long day because some of the other workers were not worker their hardest and therefore, we had to help them finish their rooms. By the time I got into the car, I was aching from head to toe. By the time I got to Bam’s house and crashed on his bed, I was so stiff and sore moving felt impossible.
I called my mom crying, and Bam crying too (since he was at Dragon’s) because I hurt so much and just knew that tomorrow would be worse. I wasn’t sure if I could put my body through it again, I wasn’t sure if my body would let me put it through that again. I knew that there was no way in hell I would make it through this week.
I feel stupid and pathetic. I’ve only worked two days at the hotel, and yet I am unable to work another day there. I can’t. My body refuses to cooperate with what I want. What I want is to work like any other normal person, to make money and be proud of what I’m doing. My body and my mind are two different things. My body shys away from pain, while my mind tries to overcome it and continue on. All day long I kept saying to myself “If I make it through one more day, I’ll be that much stronger” but at the end of the day I was that much weaker.
I’m ashamed of myself, really ashamed. The housekeeper supervisor went out on a limb and hired me. She told me she hoped I didn’t screw them over after I assured her I could work every weekend. I was sure that I could, I was positive I could train my body and mind to cope with the pain and work those 2 days a week. But the issue at hand is that I’m supposed to work every day for the rest of the summer, and I know everywhere in my body and mind that that goal is just impossible for me to meet.
I bet the ladies I worked with are all standing around the staff room bitching about how I let them down and how I’m a horrible person. After all, there was only going to be about 4 people working today. I was one of those people. But I know that if I had gone in today, I wouldn’t have been any help at all. I would have been slow and stupid, and annoyed the girl who was training me.
I probably should have told the housekeeper supervisor about my medical condition before accepting the job, but I was too afraid too. Every other place that I was honest with ended up not hiring me because I couldn’t do all the things they wanted me to do.
I probably should have realized just how tough housekeeping is. It’s a nonstop standing, bending, crouching, walking, moving job. Sure, I got three breaks throughout the day - two fifteen minute ones and one half hour one - but that wasn’t enough for me.
I feel lower than low, and sorer than sore. I know that I’m not going to find that “dream job” right now, but a job that I could do without causing myself too much pain and discomfort would be pretty sweet.
Bam thinks I should go on disability since it’s hard for me to find a job that I can physically do. I don’t know though. I have high morals about what I will and will not do reguarding my medical disability. I’m not dying, I can walk (sometimes) and I’m resourceful, so why shouln’t I work? I don’t take pain killers because a) they don’t work and b) I dislike not being incontrol of my thoughts. I probably should start taking something, but I don’t want to. Besides, clearly my doctor is too busy, for he hasn’t called me back yet reguarding my surgery date or reguarding my inquiry about booking another appointment so he could look at that bone growth on my hip that’s growing rapidly. Plus I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m weak. Always calling with my questions, always begging for answers.
I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do at this point. I liked the people I worked with (though they probably hate me now) and the job was interesting for the most part, it was just too hard on my body. I feel weak saying that. I need the money but I know that I can’t do it, because if I do I’ll end up in the hosptial due to loosing the use of some important limb.
Edit: I just spoke to the housekeeper supervisor. I expected her to be all angry at me and frustrated, but surprisingly she wasn’t. I guess it’s cause I breifly mentioned on my first day that winters might be hard on me, and because the girl who trained me saw one of my scars and asked me about it, so I told her. I have a feeling she reports everything I say to the housekeeper supervisor, so in a way that’s a good thing. The supervisor is going to talk to the overall boss to see if I can get in at reception, but since I can’t do housekeeping anymore I’m no longer worker there. Hopefully I can get in to do housekeeper, that or at least get an interview with the people at the call center. I need cash soon times.
Anger can be like a volcano, or so someone really wise once told me. It can be gorgeous up until it explodes, then everybody gets burned.
I’m a compassionate, caring person. I love helping people and being there for them. I like knowing that somehow, I’m helping someone get over something. Sometimes though, it gets to be too much. I know lately I’ve been boiling over a lot. Maybe it’s because I feel worthless since I haven’t been working or going to school or anything really for like 3 months now. 3 solid months of doing nothing will make someone feel down on themselves. Don’t suggest getting a job, that’s where most of my frustration comes from as I’ve applied at so many places it’s not even funny.
In recent months, I have been focusing on me and my needs. I haven’t really done that before, and perhaps this makes me selfish but I’m trying to find a balance between myself and other people. So far, I haven’t really found that balance. I feel like I’m floating between the two, tethering on the edge of selfishness and also on the edge of focusing on everyone else.
I don’t know what to do though, because every time I do something for me people make me feel guilty by calling me selfish. Maybe I am selfish, but what’s wrong with that? What’s wrong with spoiling yourself every once and I while?
And on another note, it really does irritate me when people I love/like are judgmental to other people I love/like. It hurts me, and it puts me between a rock and a hard place. I don’t want to choose between people, and I shouldn’t have to. I know when to cut people out of my life, and I’m a big girl. I can take care of myself and I can learn from my mistakes. I understand that this kind of pressure is put on a person by people who care about them and want them to be safe, but I assure you that I am safe. No harm shall come to me, or none that I can’t deal with myself. I’m stronger then I look, you know.
~*~*~
Anyways, excuse the random rant. I feel a lot better now though. Well sort of. I’ve still got a lot of crap on my mind. Money issues, self image issues, ex-boyfriend issues - the bastard still owes me and refuses to return messages, actually I did get a hold of him yesterday briefly, he was stuffing his fat face and pretended to not know who it was calling, then he hung up on me and refused to answer any more phone calls. I know that I should probably just forget about it, but I can’t.
I’m not that kind of person, I never forget anything.
Except all the things that I have to do…weird how that works out eh.
I’m feeling a little blah right now; and there are like so many things bugging me that I haven’t really blogged about because I’ve been worried about the reactions of people who know me. But I’ve decided I don’t care anymore. I need to vent about it. I have to get these things off my chest because it is affecting me daily. My method of “not dealing with it” is getting old, and it isn’t working as well as it did when I first started to “not deal” with anything.
The littler things that are bothering me are things like everybody taking me seriously at the wrong times. If I’m joking around and I say something sarcastic (um, I’m sarcastic…remember?) then they take me seriously and get all offended. I realize that I often put my foot in my mouth and say things that perhaps shouldn’t be said, but I’ve always been this way and I seriously can’t see that changing anytime soon. I have a very hard time holding my tongue. I tend to let things slip; not because I don’t think about what I’m saying but because I’ve already thought of it and moved on to other thoughts and the random previous thought I had been thinking sometimes automatically shoots out on its own. If that makes any sense at all…and re-reading it, I realize that it totally doesn’t make sense. Whatever though.
So there are all these flaws about me that keep adding up, and I know they are there but they aren’t going to change and I wish people would stop trying to make me change because I want to but I can’t. I think too much and not enough at the same time, especially lately.
The other thing that is really bugging me is the situation with B2. I know that I sort of made a vow to myself that I wouldn’t blog about it because that kind of “dirty laundry” shouldn’t really be exposed. But this is my place where I go to vent and sift through my thoughts…right? And this is a constant thought. A throne in my side really. I hope that I don’t get in trouble with my family members for blogging about it…if I do I guess I’ll just edit this post and take it out. Not that you can take back words that people have already read…whatever though.
So…the background story is that we have been having a lot of trouble with Jo. Behavioral mostly, she’s been living with her 18 year old boyfriend for months now. She is 15. I think she might have some kind of mental illness, because she just isn’t right. She reminds me of maybe somebody with Borderline Personality Disorder…or something along those lines. If I were to blog about all the stuff that has happened recently with Jo, then this would be a much longer post. All I can say is that I am at my wits end. I don’t want to cross her off as a sister because I know she isn’t right, but I can’t take the abuse…and I can’t stand watching her fall. She is definitely in a downward spiral, and her relationship with her boyfriend is completely intense…and not in a good way.
Anyways, everything with her is really eating away at me and pushing me beyond my breaking point. Cause I always used to be the one to calm Jo down…and to prevent her from making big mistakes. Now I don’t know what to do. I can’t fix her, and she won’t let anybody near enough to help. I’m sort of worried about her doing something stupid, since she is very self destructive.
I’ve changed because of all this, and I don’t know if its for the best. I like to forget things, and not think about it. I guess you could say I’m trying to repress this. It isn’t working, I’ve never been very good at repressing my feelings or holding back on my emotions. Ya, not so much. This is definitely tearing me apart.
But ya. It’s all so complicated. I still don’t feel better after blogging about it, I’m probably going to get into trouble or something.
It doesn’t look that horrible if I style it a certain way, but a career in hair styling is definitely not in my future. No worries Poppy about that one “bad hair day“, looks like I’ll be having quite a few of them myself! See what happened was the side bangs were sort of getting on my nerve and I kind of liked the idea of like full across the forehead bangs…and since I’m broke and all that I decided I’d do it myself. That’s what happens when you’re bored! Now it is uneven and choppy and weird. Oh well though. Hopefully the hairdresser can fix it, or else McPout will murder me (even though she didn’t notice when I briefly stopped by her house today…but now that I’ve pointed it out she’ll see).
Anyways, hair butchering aside…yesterday I did an interview (through email) for a feature on teen bloggers in Sugar magazine. It was pretty cool, I liked being interviewed it made me feel like…famous or something!
After that, Fuzz came and picked me up so we could hang out. I think he is re-mad at me again. Sigh. See what happened was we had to go to my sisters house to give Nelly his phone charger and grab mine (since I mistakenly grabbed his the other day after getting zero hours of sleep dog sitting with Booth) and I thought it would be cool if Booth and his little brother, Kode, came to the mall with us. I wanted Booth and Fuzz to hang out together and get to know each other, since Fuzz is one of my good friends and Booth will be hanging around for some time. It all went good I guess, they chatted and had fun and I thought all was dandy. We dropped Kode off at home and then drove Booth to work so we could see Booth’s puppy (again, he is so adorable) and the taranchula that his boss has. Kode had been in the front seat, and I was too lazy to get in the front and the drive was literally not even 2 minutes. What was the point in moving? Well this pissed Fuzz off, and he started acting like a jerk. He told me it would be better if I found a different ride home. I couldn’t, so he did end up driving me back home but still.
If this keeps up, I have a very strong feeling that another friendship will be gone down the drain. I understand that Fuzz is upset, but he had weeks to digest the fact that I am simply not interested in him that way before I started to date Booth. It’s time to cry a river and get over it. I don’t have time to soothe a stupid bruised ego by sitting in the damn front seat for a 2 minute ride.
Other people’s kids, I’ll tell ya.
OK, maybe I am being a little harsh about it. But can you blame me for being slightly annoyed? The friendship between Fuzz and I has changed because he keeps wanting something more, despite there not being anything there, and keeps trying to convince me to try. I’m with Booth. I am happy with Booth, and even if I wasn’t with Booth then I still would not be able to force myself to change. That is that, there is nothing more to say on the matter.
Alright, I’m going to stop blogging about that because it is starting to annoy me. A change of subject is definitely in order! So like…Booth’s mom thinks I smell amazing, haha! I walked into the room and she absolutely adored my scent. It was pretty cool.
If the weather isn’t horribly bad in 8 hours (so like 10 or 11am) then I am supposed to go to Booth’s house to hang out with him. And make his house smell good with my amazing scent! WHOOT!
I don’t think I’ve smiled this much in a long time! That new relationship feeling is amazing, and I promise this one isn’t an abusive cokehead on his way to the big house! Yes, that’s really what was going on with Chisel there…but we will not talk about that now. Because we are talking about good things, like the giant bag of lollipops I have down in my room…and Booth of course. And Booth’s adorable puppy.
I really want a puppy. Particularly this one, because he’s so cute! Booth says that there is still 5 puppies left and that they are free but Dad won’t budge. He is sticking firmly by the no more animals rule and it sucks because I really miss having a dog around. Dogs are awesome!
I know I don’t normally blog about my cats…but Salem is sick I think. All he does is mope around and puke up his food or bile. We took him to the vet yesterday and they found nothing wrong with him except for maybe a food sensitivity, but he’s pulling chunks of his fur out and puking like crazy.
OK, I think I am finally finished with the verbal spew of nothingness. I am going to bed now, and hopefully when I wake up the snow will not be too deep and I will be able to see Booth! [insert ridiculously cheesy puffy heart here]
I am very, very sick of drama. I feel like ripping my hair out and crying until every single drop of moisture in my body is gone. I feel like digging a hole and never coming out to face the world. I wish that there was an off button, or a pause button, so I could just breathe for a moment and not let all of this take me under.
I have been working so hard to rebuild myself after the whole destroyed first love thing. I thought, with all things considered, that I was doing wonderfully. I’m no where near being fully healed yet, but after the amount of damage NSN caused me it’s no surprise. These things take time, lots of lots of time. I am nowhere near being ready to date somebody seriously again, I know for a fact I cannot commit myself to anybody right now - I have a hard enough time committing myself to me.
So what’s chipping away at the small ruins I’ve attempted to rebuild? Oh lots of things. The Fuzz thing, for example. He said last night that he would understand if I didn’t feel the same, but he really doesn’t. Today wasn’t as awkward as I feared it would be…more quiet then it normally is. We picked up Birdman, Cowman, and Neen and before heading off to the recreational group Valentine’s Day dance; we stopped at my tattoo place so I could get my lip pierced.
The dance was fun, obviously I was off dancing and didn’t have time to talk to Fuzz. The car ride home was alright, it was mostly Birdman and Cowman talking with everyone else laughing at their jokes. Once he dropped everyone off, he stopped talking to me. I felt completely awkward as I babbled on about pointless, stupid things trying to get him to talk to me.
When I got home, I texted him asking if he was mad. Ya I know, totally cowardly of me…but I didn’t know how to go about bringing it up. I didn’t want to embarrass him. I asked him once what was wrong, and he just said he was tired. He replied with “I’m mostly mad at myself for liking someone who clearly isn’t worth it.” Then he went on to rant about how in the car when Birdman was making fun of me for being so gullible, I said “well maybe I’m just trusting”, and how it bothered him because that was one of the things I told him I had issues with. He also brought up Boy 3 and how I was so hurt and annoyed when he couldn’t see how great I was and said that he could…
Basically, Fuzz is hurt and using anger as a way to cope with it. He has directed that anger at me and it is hurting me because he is one of my best friends, and I need his friendship. It hurts that he said he would understand if I didn’t feel the same, yet clearly he can’t. He doesn’t understand anything about my situation. I can trust; but not in that way; to that degree. I cannot trust myself or anybody else to be that close, as close as I was with NSN. I don’t like Boy 3, I like the idea of Boy 3. I know I’m nowhere near ready to even approach a serious relationship.
What bugs me is that Fuzz knows why I feel the way I do, and he should understand. Instead, I feel as if he’s given me a choice between being with him or not having him in my life at all.
I know guys, if that’s the case I shouldn’t give it another moments thought but it isn’t worth it. But it’s totally easier said then done. Fuzz has been one of my good friends for a long time, I can’t just stop a friendship.
This is why I hate Halmark holidays. That’s right, I’m going to blame all of my issues on the fact that they happened on Valentine’s day.
I totally wouldn’t be 18 if I didn’t have some sort of melodramatic boy trouble, especially during this week of love (or lack of, in my case) so here is a special Valentine-ish day treat - sorta. Since it isn’t exactly Valentine’s Day yet.
We shall call them Boy 1, Boy 2, and Boy 3 - since they are all my friends. Let’s see if you can guess who they are, shall we?
So Boy 1 likes me, I’m pretty sure. Boy 2 - who likes me in his own very complicated, screwed up way - seems to think that Boy 1 has liked me since meeting me several years ago. Boy 1 tells me stuff about Boy 2 which Boy 2 denies and says that Boy 1 is making it up so that he will be “less desirable” in my eyes. But Boy 2 used to tell tall tales of his own back in the day, and he wasn’t exactly honest with me for the longest time. Boy 1 hasn’t given me any reason to think that he is making stuff up but I can’t be to sure. Boy 1 has been my friend solidly for the past year and a bit, while Boy 2 comes and goes as he pleases, saying he has a lot of issues that he needs to deal with (which is ok).
Anyways, Boy 2 is confused about what he wants. I myself am confused about what I want. I don’t subconsciously want anything. I know I don’t have those feelings for Boy 1, and I’m not sure about Boy 2. I am fond of Boy 1: he is a good friend of mine. And every time Boy 2 and I hang out, it’s like we’re dating or something. Now trust me, that is very confusing.
Boy 3 is also a very good friend of mine who I sort of have a bit of a crush on, only he definitely doesn’t return the feelings. He is a good guy but very hung up on the wrong girl. He sort of doesn’t fit in the drama section because the lines are well drawn between our friendship.
Boy 1 and Boy 2 like to blur the lines, well not so much Boy 1 mostly just Boy 2. Anyways, I get so confused that I don’t even know if we’re friends or not. At a recent party, Boy 2 was acting as if we were dating…you know, putting his arms around me and kissing me etc. and this is very much why I did not want to think about dating. Confusing, is it not? Even typing it out didn’t help make it any clearer in my head.
I need to get out of town and meet some new people. This drama has been circling me forever now, and it’s gotten old.
Last night I couldn’t fall asleep. Actually every night I have a lot of trouble falling asleep. I am plagued by the very drama I don’t want to deal with anymore. I just end up lying there thinking, which isn’t exactly terrible but I truly wish I had an off button so I could get some decent sleep.
Anyway, in order to talk about the conclusion I came up with, I have to explain how I have been as of late. *Gulp* I can actually hear the lectures. Oh well, might as well get on with it.
Since November, I have felt very numb. I know I might have mentioned it in passing, but never have I explained just how numb I’ve felt. I truly stopped caring about school, about work, and even about myself. I withdrew from my program, quit my job and moved back home because I just didn’t care.
I have also had a couple very insignificant flings. I felt so numb I barely cared what they did; hell Chisel was basically selling drugs and although I knew I just couldn’t bring myself to care. I was numb to everything. Nothing nobody did could hurt me anywhere near as badly as what NSN had done. It was as if someone had taken my heart; stomped ALL over it, released it and expected me to continue using it, as worthless as it is. I can’t even begin to describe what is going on between Reaper and I; and I don’t care enough to figure it out. In fact, I haven’t talked to him since Friday. I just don’t care.
JD says she wishes she could be numb like me; she wishes she could be in a relationship and not care about that person, like me. Well it’s not that I don’t care about them, but I just don’t…care. Does that make sense? I am sort of like the Beast of Beauty and the Beast when Belle leaves to go rescue her father and Gaston comes after him to kill him and he just doesn’t care or fight back.
In a fairy tale, I would be the slumbering Princess under an enchantment, just waiting for the Prince to return and kiss me and lift the spell. But this is reality, and I’m no Princess and the Prince, well let’s not go there.
So there is a slight window into my character for now. Don’t get my wrong, I still care about my family and friends…just not myself.
Now the conclusion that I grudgingly came to last night was that I am quite broken beyond repair, and the only person who can fix me won’t. NSN can only fix me because he broke me in the first place, so if he wasn’t a complete idiot then he would know how to fix it. But he is a complete idiot, and completely unwilling. He hasn’t spoken to me since early December. I sincerely don’t see him arriving by horseback to rescue me any time soon, so I have to deal with this numbness towards anybody else who wants to as important to me as he was. I don’t know how to fix or change it.
I know guys, my head knows NSN is a completely unworthy asshat who doesn’t deserve my exceptional thoughts, but my heart still misses and loves him. Now most of the time, I can forget about all this and block all my feelings and shut out everything.
JD says never before have a shut down when leaving a relationship. All the other times I was merely disappointed and slightly angry at the loss of a good friend, this time I just downright shut down. Like NSN had the key to my robot functioning.
Half an hour ago, I was listening to a really cheesy country song (Amanda Wilkinson; No More Me) and thinking about the time I spent with NSN.
Ya I know, bad idea.
Stupid me still misses him - the old him mind you, but that’s still bad. Especially after all he put me through. I should hate him. I should wish ill upon him for the rest of his days, but I can’t. I’m so pissed that he tainted all of our time together by his actions when we broke up and after.
Anyways, so I was sitting here listening to No More Me by Amanda Wilkinson and thinking about how it would have been so much better if NSN had left in a different, kinder way. I just happened to glance out the window at that point, and I saw a car parked at the end of the driveway. It was a tanish colour, and the person was putting something in the mailbox.
My heart skipped a beat. On the way home from the ski trip, I saw NSN’s new car in his driveway. It was a tanish colour, four door old man car. Could it be him? Finally paying me back? The person didn’t drive up the driveway, and instead drove away after getting back in.
My imagination started running wild. Perhaps he’s finally realized that it was not me who ruined things, but him. Perhaps he’s finally feeling remorse for his sickening behaviour these past 7 months or so, and in that envelope will be not only the money he owes me but a note apologizing for everything. That’s all it would take for my heart to soften you know, a sincere apology. I am in no way saying that I would take him back, because I definitely wouldn’t, but at least I could look back on him with founder memories.
So anyways, I told my dad to check the mailbox when he left for work. He wanted to know what I was expecting, and not thinking I replied “the rest of the money NSN owes me…hopefully.” Dad was shocked to hear that NSN still hadn’t paid me back and still owed me $400. So now Dad’s going to get involved and go down to have a talk with NSN about the importances of keeping promises or something like that. Great. Thanks motor mouth me, technically I did tell NSN he could keep the money…but I expected him to pay me back after realizing just how horrible of a person he was.
But anyways, so Dad checked the mailbox…and low and behold, there wasn’t an envelope from NSN to me. It was a package for him from somebody. Talk about wishful thinking eh. Of course NSN won’t smarten up, he’s a stubborn mule and always has been.
But that small, tiny, insignificant little part of me still wants something from him. An apology? The rest of my money back? An acknowledgment that we had been together for so long? A place in his heart as his first? I have no idea what I want. All I know is I don’t want to be forgotten or erased, especially since I can’t forget or erase him. I can pretend…but pretending only goes so far.
But I find a part of me doesn’t want to forget the memories; the good times that we had, even if they do hurt me deeply every time I think about him, or see pictures. It’s like salt on an open wound, that feeling. But I guess it’s better then having nothing…
This picture was taken exactly a year ago today; at JD’s 18th hotel party, before everyone got there. It was just JD, Birdman, NSN and myself. We had a blast goofing off and being idiots. NSN decided it would be funny to swing me over his shoulder…and I repaid him by farting right in his face. HAH! Take that. (Ya I don’t care if I just told the entire world I farted in my ex-boyfriends face…it just makes everybody want to vote for me more…come on, it’s the last day heh).
Random emotional turmoil aside, I would like to give a birthday shout out to my best friend JD, who is 19 today. Go wish her a happy birthday; knowing her she’s probably already at the beer store!
I am very tired. I did the overnight sleep at work last night…and I really don’t sleep during the overnight sleeps. Too many loud noises that interrupt my beauty sleep — which I need in order to look as good as I look all the time. Ya.
So I have decided that I’ve really had enough of boy drama. I haven’t officially broken up with Chisel. I haven’t talked to him since two nights ago, and that “conversation” was brief; he explained why he fell off the face of the earth for 5 days and I wasn’t impressed. We didn’t get to talk about the state of our relationship, as his friend called and he just had to take it. He said he was going to call me back 20 minutes later…and he never did. So we have yet to discuss the state of things.
I am one of those people that can’t let things be without resolving them — although I am broken up with Chisel in my mind. I just want to actually tell him this - but I can’t if he has fallen off the edge of the earth. Oh well. I am so sick of boy drama.
Definitely not dating for the next while, definitely not.
Boy woes aside, I haven’t started packing yet. I know, thats bad…I’m moving in ten days and I haven’t even started packing yet. I need boxes and such. Tonight I work again, and then I have the next three days off; I am hoping to throw myself a goodbye party so I can see all my friends before I leave. I just have to sort out when, where, and who’s all invited
Now I’m going to catch up on reading and commenting all those lovely blogs out there that I have been neglecting because I am super busy no excuse, I know. I’ll make up for it today though!
P.S. Note to self; stop kissing friends. Not so much a good idea.
P.S.S if anybody can find me this song and send it to me I would be entirely grateful; I tried to find it on iTunes but no luck. I love this song. It reminds me of recent events, and thats not necessarily a bad thing. Anyway, the song is “Tonight” by FM Static:
Well my pets, I wrote NSN a final message on facebook before I completely erase him from my mind, heart and soul;
Dear NSN, I don’t understand why you have become this way, but know that none of it is my fault and I am far from the bad guy. I hope you are happy knowing now that your word is unfortunately shit, since you broke every last one of your promises to me. All of them. Including paying me back the money I spent when Ididn’t have it and you knew I had it but guilted me into it anyway.
You know what though? I am SO sick of fighting with you and trying to make you keep your word to me of paying me back in installments, since you had already broken so many promises and I did not want you to become that asshole of a guy that you said you never would. You’ve become it though. You have broken me down enough for the past six months, and I’m worn out.
So go ahead and victimize yourself and make all your friends hate me by telling twisted stories about how I wronged you, I don’t care. Youaren’t the person you once were and I have no desire of getting to know the now you. None whatsoever. I never have wanted to, I just wanted you to pay me back so I wouldn’t hate you forever. But I do now, because you are a horrible, unrecongizatble person who has ruined every fond memory I once had of you.
So keep the effing 400 dollars, the money you blinded me of, and I hope you realize just how much of a heartless dick you really are. After a year of supposedly loving someone you could care so less about theirwellbeing now? That’s REAL low NSN, real low. But I’ve had enough of asking why and I’ve accepted that you really are just an immature prick who is only concerned about himself. If you weren’t this way, you would still care enough to keep your final promise of paying me back - regardless of how our relationship went.
Don’t bother replying or sicking your little friends on me, just read this final message and let the words sink deep in…if you can do that. I had a hard time getting anything to sink into your thick skull, as you were so obsessed with yourself. But this is you now, and I hope you’re happy being “that guy”.
Have a wonderful life, you won’t be interuptting mine or stomping on me anymore.
Goodbye,
Sarcastica.
I think it was beautifully written, poetic even. I hope he reads it and realizes just how horrible of a person he is. No, I do not want him to reply to it or call me apologizing and offering to pay me back so he can clear his name, nope. I want him to keep the money and forever know that he didn’t pay me back, after all I did for him, after how much I was in love with him (and thought he was in love with me). I hope he keeps every penny and lives with that every single day. Everytime he dates, I hope he thinks of how he hurt me and knows that he is truly unworthy of having anybody love him. On that note, The End.
Now, I’ve been thinking just how good it is going to be for me when I move in with Karen. I will be four hours anyway from everybody I know here, and although it’s sad it’s a good thing at the same time. I have been on a very self-destructive path as of late, and I’m afraid I may of jepordized another one of my friendships by acting on my impulses. Now I will remove myself from the situation I have created and take a breather from being a wild college girl. I don’t want to date, and it’s unhealthy for me to have “special friends”. So I won’t.
I think Chisel and I are over, on account of he hasn’t spoken to me really since Thursday, save for a text message and brief MSN conversation on Friday. Clearly he doesn’t want to speak to me, and clearly I don’t want to speak to him. Unfortunately, I broke things off over text message and I couldn’t get a hold of him on the phone. I know, very high schoolish. Whatever though. It basically said since he wasn’t talking to me and since I am moving in two weeks, there really isn’t a point to continuing our relationship.
Anyways, I’m off to work now. Despite being in so much pain thanks to my no good legs. Sigh.
heh).
no excuse, I know. I’ll make up for it today though!
