Protected: Ethics and Morals

September 13, 2008 changes, growing up, issues, life lessons, milestones, pictures, stuff that bites, uncensored, updates

Warm Whispers

September 1, 2008 changes, ed-u-ma-cation, family, good times, milestones, rainbows and butterflies, updates

I was hoping to have the photos uploaded by the time I wrote this post, but alas…I’ve lost my camera cord, and therefore cannot upload them…right now anyway.

The 3 hour drive was insanely boring, but once we got there it was well worth the pee cramps (never drink Gatorade before leaving on a 3 hour car ride without making pee stops). The location that Joel and Mel picked for their wedding was gorgeous! The whole ceremony suited them so perfectly, I almost cried several times and I’m totally a hardass so you know it was good.

The dinner was so good! I went up for seconds…but don’t tell anyway, heh. The speeches were amazing, all of them. I wish I had brought a video camera so I could have taped them, because they were that awesome. Mel and Joel danced to Warm Whispers by Missy Higgins - a song that couldn’t have fit them better. (P.S. I now love it; it’s on my iPod along with Swing by Savage - my prime choice dranking song). All in all, it was a beautiful wedding and the bride, groom, and wedding party all looked gorgeous and spiffy all dressed up

Once I find my camera cord, I’ll definitely put a link on for the pictures. For now though, just take my word for it; Mel looked beautiful, Joel looked handsome, and the ceremony was beautiful.

Tomorrow is my orientation day for the college, I’m pretty excited about it. A little nervous, but that’s ok. I definitely will blog about how tomorrow goes, after it goes.

Rulez are for Foolz

July 22, 2008 I'm a STAR!, LOL, Sarcastica!, adventures, blog whore, changes, completely random crap, good times, growing up, life lessons, memories, milestones, rainbows and butterflies, updates

I woke up this morning and just knew that the weather sucked. I could feel it in my aching bones; the dampness, the rain. I knew my chances of getting my license were slimmer then they would have been if the sun was brightly shining. For one, I’ve never driven in rain before. Like ever. I’ve only ever been allowed to drive if it’s not raining. A lot of good that did me.

The drive up to where I was taking my test seemed to take forever. I feared I wouldn’t make it in time for my 8:50am appointment. The clouds threatened to spill at any moment, only I already had come to the conclusion - and somewhat accepted - that they would release their heavy droplets the moment I began my road test.

True enough, after I had filled out the paper work and was sitting waiting in my car for the person who would decide my future of driving (or not driving), it began to rain. Not heavily mind you, but enough so that my heart started to sink. It was the kind of rain that you just knew would pick up.

The person who was doing the drive test for me was a female. She seemed nice enough on first glance; middle aged, yellowish hair and rather short. Course it was rather hard to see her as she approached my car*. It was as if the Heavens or Mother Nature or whoever is control of such things as the weather had decided to watch me scrim in nervous anticipation by making the rain pool down from the clouds right as she looked at my car. Not a very promising sign, one would normally take this sign and already assume they had failed. I was no different, only I promised myself I would give it my best go and try not to let the rain get the best of me, because that’s just what Mother Nature (or the Heavens) wanted.

I felt I did a good job with the whole driving bit, it was definitely the three point turns, hill parking and parallel parking that did me in. The first thing she made me try was the hill park. I wasn’t close enough to the curb. The second thing she made me do was a three point turn on a deserted dead end street. I hit the curb with my back tires on that one. Then there was the parallel park. My curb judgment was, again, off and I was too far away from the curb.

Needless to say, I was feeling very disheartened when she made me drive back to the drive test building. I was sure I had failed, especially when she “had” to tell me when to go on my left turn onto the road that leads to the drive test building. I actually knew when to go, I suppose there are just some people who feel the need to tell you anyway. Or maybe it’s because I almost accidentally went down the wrong road.

She made me pull into a parking stall, but pedestrians threw off my observation skills and I had to back out to straighten myself. I checked quickly but I don’t think she saw because she was busy writing when I looked, so it looked like I didn’t check. It wasn’t very promising. She didn’t declare proudly that I passed like the one lady had to the guy next to me when he parked beside me.

“Well,” she said, pausing while she wrote something down. “Your curb judgment was a little off. You need to check and move your car slower when doing the three point turn, that way you don’t hit the curb. But you did do your driving very well and followed the posted speed signs as well as the lights…”

I thought my heart couldn’t sink any further then it already had, I mean starting out with negatives is a total sign of failure. Or at least in most cases, and I definitely wasn’t hopeful. That’s why I nearly shit my pants a moment later.

“…but you made it. Take this paper inside and the ladies there will help you with it,” she said, handing me the test sheet, where in the box for the “pass” was check marked. Stunned, I thanked her and we both got out of the car. I wished her a good day and went inside the building, staring at the paper as I walked. I was very confused…sure I hadn’t heard her right. I passed? Really? After I screwed up on basically like all the parking things she asked me to do?

I suppose what saved me was my driving in a straight line skill and the ambulance that drove by on the opposite side of the road with it’s lights flashing, because I signaled and pulled over to the right as soon as I saw it. Perhaps that earned me some brownie points. Funny that I would encounter an ambulance for the first time ever I’m driving while doing a drive test.

I got to drive home and my mom and I stopped off at Tims for a celebratory coffee and bagel. I suppose she’s relieved that she doesn’t have to drive me places any more, I know I sure am. Although apparently there are still “rules”, such as I can’t come and go as I please. Sigh. I’m still holding out hoping that having my G2 will mean a little bit more freedom. Who knows though. My parents definitely like rules.

Now I’m off to my interview at the gas station. Hopefully today’s my day and I get the job that would make me happy. After my interview I’m going to Booth’s to surprise him. He doesn’t know I passed yet, so shh don’t tell him anybody!

*My car is actually my parents car in which they let me drive.

In My PERSONAL Opinion;

May 12, 2008 Ask Sarcastica, I'm a STAR!, annoyances, blog whore, completely random crap, dumbass people, growing up, issues, life lessons, linkage, milestones, rainbows and butterflies, ranting & raving, updates

*Just a warning, this post is going to be VERY long and I’m probably going to be rambling on a lot in it cause I have a lot on my mind, but deal with it

~*~*~

Well that was a spectacular weekend! No really, it was…I’m not being sarcastic. Well…maybe a little, there were some tiny parts to it that were slightly frustrating and annoying, but in my opinion each day can not go by perfectly. Something always has to happen, big or small, to make you go “grr”.

Anywho, I was home briefly yesterday for mother’s day, but didn’t have enough time to write a decent post. I just wanted to update quickly. As I write this, I’m trying to load my gmail to see if anybody has contacted me about the password for this hear post. If you haven’t yet, you should get on that and contact me. I fixed the contact page again so now it should be working just fine and dandy. Nobody will be denied the password; unless I don’t want you reading it…then maybe. But ya, try anyway

Oopps I’m sort of getting off topic a bit. I wanted to go in to detail about my weekend since I haven’t had a chance to do that yet. I spent most of it with Booth and our mutual awesome friends, hanging out and just having a grand old time. Dragon’s granddaughter (or something like that) came over with her boyfriend, who just so happens to be another one of the tattoo artists. We’ll call him…Ears. Because he has those spacer things in his ears and I find I’m often drawn to it because honestly, spacers freak me out…just a little. But ya, Ears is an awesome guy and he’s really cool except for having scary ears. His girlfriend is pretty nice too (for the most part, she can be bitchy and weird but meh what girls aren’t?) and guess what? They might be selling me their second car (that neither of them use because Ears has an awesome souped (is that how you spell it?) car that he drives and his girlfriend doesn’t have her license)!

It’s a white 1990 4 door Honda Accord Ya I know, it’s like a year younger than me (literally) but Ears takes really good care of his cars, and it does need some work, but I just so happen to know like 4 guys who are obsessed with all things cars and definitely know their cars, (Booth, Bear, T, and Ears) who offered to do the work on it for free, if I get the parts. The price is definitely right on it and the only thing “wrong” with it is that it needs a new exhaust, front to back. Yeah I know, that can be pricey if I plan on taking it to a mechanic but Ears has a cousin who works in a shop that could get me the parts for discount (if I go through Ears to get them). So woop woop! I might very well have a car in the next couple of months! I’m just waiting to hear back from the insurance company with my quote. Isn’t this exciting? It is to me

And my mom has been letting me drive more often lately! Last night I drove back to Booth’s house, and today I drove home from Booth’s house. I feel way more comfortable driving now then I did half a year ago, and Mom even said that I’ve improved Yes, I still make mistakes but I literally haven’t even had a full hours worth of driving…yet. I’m getting there, and this Friday I start my in car lessons with Young Drivers. I’m both excited and a wee bit nervous about it, I hope my instructor is cool and calm. I hate it when people freak out at me for making mistakes; that’s not how you deal with mistakes. Someone freaking out with me just startles me, and that’s never a good thing.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately, about a lot of different things. One of the things I’ve been thinking about lately is maturity. I think that I have grown a lot in the past 3 months alone, I mean I wouldn’t even get behind the wheel to drive - which is why it has taken me so long to get my license on the go. I’m also thinking about some people that I know and the vulgarities that constantly surround them. I’m basically cleaning out my closet, so to speak, so that I can move on because I don’t want to be stuck with any labels that aren’t in a good light. I’ve noticed that I do tend to get annoyed with people who, in my opinion, act a little over the top. It blows my mind that people have such a hard time covering up, or speaking without swearing in conversation. Ten years from now, I want to be able to look back on myself and think “ya, I had fun…but I didn’t over do it.” I know many people who aren’t going to be able to say that.

Oh well though, I guess I just have to accept the fact that the majority of today’s youth are flossies and skanks who show off way to much of their body due to several self esteem issues.

Ok, I think I shall end this rant now since it is quite long enough as it is

Protected: Are You In?

April 20, 2008 I'm a STAR!, Sarcastica!, adventures, changes, completely random crap, linkage, milestones, pictures, rainbows and butterflies, updates

Teachings

April 4, 2008 I'm a STAR!, Sarcastica!, changes, completely random crap, discoveries, dumbass people, growing up, life lessons, milestones, opinions, ranting & raving, updates

It’s been six months since my life changed, ultimately for the better. Six months ago, I would have told you that my only wish was for NSN to smarten up and come crawling back to me. That was half a year ago though, and I’ve definitely changed my thoughts and feelings on that one. It makes me almost sick to think about all I invested and all the work I put into a relationship with a child, because that’s what he was and still is. A boy. A boy who used powerful words to get what he wanted. It makes me feel ill to think about the wasted nights where I actually missed him and his fake words.

I’m lucky that it didn’t take me long to realize he wasn’t worth the time of day. Just thinking about the year and a bit we spent together, I realize now just how unhappy I was. I was trying to make something work when I knew it couldn’t possibly work because we both didn’t want it anymore. Me more so, because he just didn’t understand me. He didn’t attempt to understand, he didn’t care enough to ask. Everything was just a show for him, so that he could prance around and tell his friends that he had dated someone for a year and it had been serious. I don’t consider our time together “serious” at all. He acted like a donkey’s ass for most of it, always putting the blame of an argument on me. It was always my fault after all, because little boys don’t take the blame for anything…even if it is their fault. Arguments are fault of two people, not one. Back then I knew that, but I still fought to keep us afloat. Maybe I was scared of being single, or that I wouldn’t be wanted by anybody else.

I won’t lie and say that the breakup wasn’t painful for me, because we all knew it was. Maybe it was just the timing…being far away from my family and friends, not flourishing at work or school because my peers and co-workers were catty bitches forever stuck in the high school phase. Shortly after our breakup, I lost a friend and classmate that I had spent six years growing up with. I got involved with someone I shouldn’t have gotten involved with, all because I didn’t want to be alone.

But despite all, I’m thankful for all my bad failed relationships and quite stupid mistakes. Without them, I wouldn’t be the person I am today.

I’m lucky, because Booth treats me exactly how I want to be treated. He respects my opinions, thoughts, and feelings on things and he listens to what I have to say. Those rare occasions that we do get into arguments (hey, we are Gemini’s after all) we both talk it and sort through it. So far, every time we’ve had an argument it’s been over something completely foolish. A miscommunication or misunderstanding.

Booth took the time to get to know me, and I took the time to get to know him. Because of the guys I’ve previously dated, I can feel thankful and grateful for what I have with him. I don’t take advantage of how good he is to me.

So I am grateful for messy breakups, because the relationships with those people taught me valuable lessons which I won’t soon forget. They taught me what I want and don’t want in a relationship, particularly my relationship with NSN. I used to bend to him to avoid fights, but now I’m 100% me even if that means it starts a fight because of my idea or view on something (although with Booth, that wouldn’t be the case because he respects that everyone has their own opinions and its no cause for a fight).

Thanks to NSN, I learned to leave. If I’m not happy with someone, there is no point in trying everything to make it work. Sometimes, leaving IS the right answer. Luckily I am very happy with Booth! And I can’t see myself being unhappy any time soon.

What did your past relationships teach you?

Just Thoughts

March 6, 2008 I'm a STAR!, Sarcastica!, adventures, blog whore, completely random crap, discoveries, issues, life lessons, milestones, opinions, ranting & raving, updates

I hung out at the shop where Booth works all yesterday, and had some interesting conversations with him and his boss. They really did get me thinking, not that it will change anything for me: my mind is already made up on what I am going to do this year.

We were talking about how it’s foolish to be expected to pick a career and stick with it at the age of 18. Most kids don’t know who they are, or who they even want to be. Yet they are expected to pick a career, go to college or university and earn a degree. Book smarts and actual smarts are two different things, and the majority of people who go to college and university only learn what they are told to learn. Placements barely count as experience, they never actually make you do half the difficult stuff you would have to do if you were actually doing the job.

Even though I know I want to work doing something to help other people, I’m not entirely sure what it is I want to do to help them. Helping people is such a huge category! I know that in September I will take the Child and Youth course, because I have already committed myself to doing just that. I’m the kind of person who can commit to something and actually follow through if I keep my eyes on the prize, which I fully intend on doing this time around. I’m ready this time, or as ready as I’ll ever be to step into the deep unknown. I am ready to start shaping my future, to start picking the roads and paths that I’m going to take to get there.

Booth’s boss thinks that kids should have 5 years before going to college after high school where they work and get a variety of different experiences before they make that decision of what to do for the rest of your life. I agree, it would be nice to have 5 years to make up my mind on what I really want to do. It would be nice to work and get all the experience doing everything so that I know without a doubt in my mind that what I decide on in the end is really what I want to do.

But I don’t have 5 years, so I’m going to deal with it and go through with it anyway. I decided on the Child and Youth worker course because as far as jobs go, there is a lot of variety. I could work in a school, a hospital, a group home, or a clinic. I could even probably travel to different countries and help out the troubled youth there…who knows. If it is a dream that you really want, you can make it happen. Also, I’ve been volunteering at the recreational group for several years now and I still love doing it.

Sure, I’m still shivering about all the unknown aspects of my future: such as will I actually like this career, or will I regret it? But I don’t have 5 years, and I really am anxious to get started with my future…and to go backpacking in Europe after I graduate.

Absolutely…stable?

March 1, 2008 I'm a STAR!, Sarcastica!, blog whore, changes, completely random crap, good times, growing up, life lessons, milestones, opinions, pictures, rainbows and butterflies, updates

Wow. This is the first time in a while that each day this week I’ve woken up…slightly happy. It’s a strange, odd feeling. I can’t put my finger on just where it comes from either. All I know is that I’m looking forward to each day again. I try to see my friends often, because I hate sitting at home. I do wish I had my license and a job, but I’m working on the license bit. I can’t really help it if there are no places near by hiring…

I feel…lighter. Almost like I weigh nothing. I find that I am having to fake a smile less often then I did before. I’m less cranky. I want to talk to people. I want to do things. It’s crazy insane.

I think I have started to accept things that I cannot change. I’m learning how to love myself, which is wicked.

Maybe it also has a little something to do with Booth…he isn’t like anybody else I’ve dated, what with the mature views on relationships. I guess it helps that he’s older then anyone I’ve dated and he knows what a relationship shouldn’t be like, just like me. I can talk to him easily, from subjects like past boyfriends/girlfriends to favourite types of candy. He thinks I’m amazing and breath taking too. Even if we weren’t dating, he is someone I could easily be friends with. It’s a benefit that I can have a new friend and a boyfriend

He compliments me at completely random times, when I’m not expecting it. Although I have several flaws (ya know, the extra bones and the scars etc) he doesn’t see them. He’s also totally hot …which helps

I’m stoked that I’m feeling better about myself, and that I have started to actually face my problems head on. I’m not not dealing with them anymore.

The only slightly bummer thing about my day today is my throat is very sore. Some of the members at camp had a bug, and I seem to have contracted it by helping them so I came home to sleep it off. I was going to go see 10,000 B.C with Booth tomorrow, but I just realized that it doesn’t come out until Friday I’d still like to hang out with Booth though, he’s an awesome cuddler and what else do you want when you’re sick other then cuddles and soup?

Love?

January 7, 2008 Sarcastica!, growing up, life lessons, milestones, opinions, updates

So I have been thinking a lot lately about love and what it all means. I’ve argued with several people over it, and had enlightening conversations with several other people about it. I suppose my views have changed in the last year or so. I honestly used to believe that it was more then possible to happily be with someone forever. I believed that you could find your true love at a young age and stay together all throughout your lives. Now…I’m thinking that I am wrong.

See, humans are very complex beings. We have a lot of different personality traits, wants, and needs. We each think differently and feel differently about different things and situations. How can one person itch all of those complicated wants and needs, and be compatible with every one of our personality traits? They can’t, not really. Sure, you can find someone who accepts your personality traits - good or bad - and who does itch the wants and needs, but you still argue.

I believe that because we have so many emotions, and because we are so complex, we can fall in and out of love easily. We can be in love with someone who we were never meant to spend forever with, but we were still meant to be with them…even for a little bit…just to learn something and take it away from the relationship. That’s why we start dating young…to learn about relationships. We learn what we want and don’t want in a partner. We learn what we’re looking for. That doesn’t mean that the love you feel when you were dating the “wrong” person is wrong…it just means that it wasn’t meant to be.

The argument I had with a friend about love was about whether or not you could love the same person all through your teen years and adult years. Sure, it’s possible, but I believe the chances are small. He believes more in it happening (probably because he loves a girl and has for four years). I know that it would be insanely difficult because when you are young and not fully cognitively developed, changes can occur as you develop. You can grow apart. Take my parents, for example; they dated when they were 14 and 15 for two weeks. They broke up and got back together in their twenties. They know that had they stayed together throughout high school, they wouldn’t be together today.

Does anybody else remember me being head over something for Reaper for four years of my life? I spent every day pinning for him because I truly thought he was my soul mate and that he just didn’t know it yet. I also painted a prettier picture then what actually was; and I saw him in a different light then who he actually was because I wanted to see him in that light. Now that I am older and wiser, I know that we aren’t meant to be…but I still have a place for him in my heart because he was my first really big crush. And NSN will always be in my heart and soul because I truly do believe that he was my first love; a youthful innocent experience of love. It didn’t work out because he is still growing up, and we grew apart because we became very different people from the people we were at the beginning of our once carefree relationship. That doesn’t mean that I don’t love him and never had, it just means that something changed.

So this guy that I have fallen in crush with stands on the side of the line where he thinks that true love is indescribable and irreplaceable. You can not fall out of love with your true love. That may be, but I wouldn’t know…I haven’t found my true love. He thinks he has, and he most likely won’t budge on that matter. He’s believed this for 4 years now; what would change his mind now? Absolutely nothing. I personally think that in order to have found your true love, they have to return the feelings. How else can it be true? I sort of think that he’s painted a prettier picture then what actually is with her - just like I did with Reaper. Actually, maybe I am just hoping that is what’s happening.

But in any case, I really won’t wait around for this boy; as amazing as he is. My reasons for not spending every waking hour thinking about him and pinning to be with him are simple: he is blinded to me. He cannot see me for the person I actually am. He has told me that I am “sort of like everybody else” while the girl he loves is “very unique and different”. The reasons why he thinks I’m like everyone else are because I like to shop. I enjoy clothes and like to indulge myself, and because I do not dress gothic I am not unique to him like she is. Obviously, he is blinded by her and cannot see that I am really far from like everybody else.

I want to find someone who isn’t blinded by someone else; someone who sees that I am different and unique and amazing too. It’s what I believe I deserve. So I am not going to paint a prettier picture to make it all seem much more romantic then it actually is. I have learned that life isn’t a fairy tale; and I am certain he won’t one day open his eyes and see me. I can accept that, and I do accept that. It does suck that the first really good guy that I crush on is completely uninterested, but meh. That is life.

Hopefully, I have given everybody something to think about. I have certainly given myself something to think about! I know…I have warped views on love.

I’m Doing It.

December 13, 2007 Sarcastica!, adventures, changes, college life, family, life lessons, milestones, rainbows and butterflies, updates

So. For quite some time I have been extremely frustrated with my program, the college, and my current living situation. I have been unhappy, crabby, and I have even started to shut down…which is entirely not a good thing.

But I have news. I have found a solution. It’s random, it’s a gigantic step, but I know that I will benefit from it.

I’m discontinuing my education, quitting my job at the group home and moving to my cousin’s house. I will work for a couple of months, probably move back home and work at the youth group again, then hopefully start college in the fall for Child and Youth Work or Developmental Service Work.

Either programs have more job opportunities and are better suited to my needs. Either programs are better then the one I am taking.

I’m so excited. I’ll be going to the college today to fill out the withdrawal forms [and write an exam].

Then I plan on calling a driving school so I can get my license quick times.

I’m excited. I can’t wait to get this plan in motion!

Edit/P.S: I just called NSN’s mommy and had a lovely little chat with her after attempting to call NSN only to have Red pick up and say he wasn’t there because apparently Red still has his cellphone. Bullshit. Anyways, she already knows that NSN owes me money, and she thought he was paying me back slowly. However I explained his recent behaviour in avoiding my calls, not returning them and hanging up on me and not showing up with the money he owes me. NSN’s mom isn’t impressed, and told me she would chat with him. We’re still on for the 21st. We are going to the movies with Ellie-May and Olive.

BAHAHA in your face NSN. Your mommy hearts me more then you