All these things I hate [in my head]
There are a million random thoughts racing through my head today, so I’m apologizing ahead of time for the jumpy mess that is sure to follow this little introduction.
I’m still feeling like I got hit by a transport. It has recently occured to me that I haven’t really explained my medical condition in detail on this blog. Usually when I mention it, I throw in a link to my other blog that focuses on my MHE woes. However, it’s come to light recently that having one blog for my daily life and one blog for my MHE life is a bit contradicting. I tend to repeat things (on those rare occasions I update) on my other blog. So from now on I’m not really going to blog on that blog. It only makes sense…I mean after all (as much as I hate to admit it) my MHE is a part of my every day life. It doesn’t just appear sometimes, it’s always present. It doesn’t seem fair to make people go to another blog just to read about that aspect of my life, and I’m sure most of my readers don’t have the time to jump back and forth.
Anyways, lets get down to the nitty gritty of explaining MHE. MHE, or Multiple Hereditary Exostoses, is a rare disorder that effects the bones. You can click here for a medical definition, but to put it bluntly I have extra calcium in my body that produces extra bones, called bone growths (or bone tumours, or “knobs” as my new doctor likes to call them). These bone growths grow in clusters around joints and off other bones in my body. It’s possible to have a very slight, almost not there case of MHE, which would be just a few bone growths here and there on your legs or arms. My MHE is slightly more several, and I’m basically covered from my shoulder blades down to my toes.
There is no cure for MHE and it is a chronic pain illness as these bones cause joint inflammation and can cut off nerves and put stress on the muscles. There is a treatment for MHE, and that is invasive surgery. The surgerons basically cut you open and shave down or remove the extra bone growths to stop them from clustering around joints, cutting off nerves or putting stress on the surrounding muscles. Recovery time can be as quick as a few weeks to several months, or there is a possiblity of never recovering. Sometimes, if the knife slips during the surgery it can damage the nerves or muscle tissue just as badly as leaving the bone growth there can. I’ve had several “emergancy” operations to remove bone growths on my legs that were cutting off the nerves and damaging the muscles. In grade 8 I faced the future of either accepting my diploma from a wheelchair or accepting my diploma from, well, a wheelchair. The bone growth was causing far too much damage to the surrounding nerves and muscles, and if my doctor didn’t operate than I would lose the use of that leg. Because the bone growth caused so much damage, the nerves didn’t completely heal in my right foot.
I’ve had around 10 or so surgeries, and I have roughly 17 scars on my arms and legs. I’m still waiting to hear back from my specialist on when my next surgery will be, as several locations are causing me extreme constant pain.
I don’t like to talk about this often because I fear people will think I’m complaining, or looking for attention. I know many people who think that I use my MHE as a cop out so I don’t have to work. However, I really truly DO want to have a job, I want to work and make money. The reality of it is that most of the positions available for students are physically demanding. It’s not like I’ve never worked a day in my life and just decided to believe that I can’t. I’ve worked at fast food places before, and my body just coudn’t handle it. I can’t stand for long periods of time, and I can’t walk for long periods of time. There goes basically any job available for me to apply at. Most companies are not willing to make exceptions and would choose to not hire you rather than make a few exceptions.
So there you have it, I’ve explained what MHE is, the treatment for it, and why I’m constantly in pain. No, I’m not fishing for sympathy or anything like that - I’m just wanting to explain a few things about me. MHE is a small part of me, but in my hearts of hearts I know that it does not define who I am. My mind does though. In my mind, I like to think of myself as a fighter. Every fighter has successes and every fighter has failures.
~*~*~
Now, on to some other thoughts in my head…I’m stressing out big time about college. I only have like one more week and I still haven’t gotten my books yet. I’m still trying to figure out how the hell to work the college website and get my book list. After I finish this post, I plan on calling the college and getting them to walk me through it - since clearly I’m doing something wrong here. Than hopefully I can pick up those books today, and other school supplies. Bam will be coming with me, hopefully he’ll be my pack mule 
College books are heavy! I also need to look in to getting a locker…although I may just keep my books in my car, that way I don’t have to spend money on a locker (since I don’t have any to spend haha).
Bam asked me the other day if I really wanted to be a Dental Receptionist and Administrator. The answer is no, not really. I would rather be a published author, but I’ll settle for a Dental Receptionist and Administrator for now. It’s a career that doesn’t lack jobs, pays well, and probably has super awesome dental benefits. It will give me a paycheck big enough to live off of, and time to work on my stories in the evenings. So ya, I’ll be a Dental Receptionist and Administrator, and I won’t back down from this. The program is only a year, and I want to do really well on it. I want to get highest ranking graduate in my program as well as be on the college and presidents honor roll.
Since I do have to take Accounting, I’m a bit nervous. Math has NEVER been my strong suit, and hopefully I’ll understand the gibberous that the professor will surely spew in lectures. I won’t fall behind, and if I really don’t understand it I will see about getting a tutor. I have to do well, failing is not an option.
If my surgeron calls with a surgery date that happens to be while I’ve got classes, I won’t be accepting it. Sure, I do need the surgery, but I also need to get an education. I refuse to fall behind. They will just have to book it for the holidays or when school is out. They had their chance to operate on me this summer, but were too busy. The school year is my busy time.
Anyways, I’ve taken up enough of everyone’s time for today. Hopefully I’ll get a chance to post tomorrow.
Posted by Sarcastica @
9:25 am |
Too Much and Not Enough
I thought that yesterday would be easier, because the first day is always the hardest…right? In a sense, it was easier. I knew what to do and I got better at making beds and finishing them at a certain time. In another sense, it was harder. Harder on the body, harder on the spirits.
I was finished work at a quarter to 5. It was a long day because some of the other workers were not worker their hardest and therefore, we had to help them finish their rooms. By the time I got into the car, I was aching from head to toe. By the time I got to Bam’s house and crashed on his bed, I was so stiff and sore moving felt impossible.
I called my mom crying, and Bam crying too (since he was at Dragon’s) because I hurt so much and just knew that tomorrow would be worse. I wasn’t sure if I could put my body through it again, I wasn’t sure if my body would let me put it through that again. I knew that there was no way in hell I would make it through this week.
I feel stupid and pathetic. I’ve only worked two days at the hotel, and yet I am unable to work another day there. I can’t. My body refuses to cooperate with what I want. What I want is to work like any other normal person, to make money and be proud of what I’m doing. My body and my mind are two different things. My body shys away from pain, while my mind tries to overcome it and continue on. All day long I kept saying to myself “If I make it through one more day, I’ll be that much stronger” but at the end of the day I was that much weaker.
I’m ashamed of myself, really ashamed. The housekeeper supervisor went out on a limb and hired me. She told me she hoped I didn’t screw them over after I assured her I could work every weekend. I was sure that I could, I was positive I could train my body and mind to cope with the pain and work those 2 days a week. But the issue at hand is that I’m supposed to work every day for the rest of the summer, and I know everywhere in my body and mind that that goal is just impossible for me to meet.
I bet the ladies I worked with are all standing around the staff room bitching about how I let them down and how I’m a horrible person. After all, there was only going to be about 4 people working today. I was one of those people. But I know that if I had gone in today, I wouldn’t have been any help at all. I would have been slow and stupid, and annoyed the girl who was training me.
I probably should have told the housekeeper supervisor about my medical condition before accepting the job, but I was too afraid too. Every other place that I was honest with ended up not hiring me because I couldn’t do all the things they wanted me to do.
I probably should have realized just how tough housekeeping is. It’s a nonstop standing, bending, crouching, walking, moving job. Sure, I got three breaks throughout the day - two fifteen minute ones and one half hour one - but that wasn’t enough for me.
I feel lower than low, and sorer than sore. I know that I’m not going to find that “dream job” right now, but a job that I could do without causing myself too much pain and discomfort would be pretty sweet.
Bam thinks I should go on disability since it’s hard for me to find a job that I can physically do. I don’t know though. I have high morals about what I will and will not do reguarding my medical disability. I’m not dying, I can walk (sometimes) and I’m resourceful, so why shouln’t I work? I don’t take pain killers because a) they don’t work and b) I dislike not being incontrol of my thoughts. I probably should start taking something, but I don’t want to. Besides, clearly my doctor is too busy, for he hasn’t called me back yet reguarding my surgery date or reguarding my inquiry about booking another appointment so he could look at that bone growth on my hip that’s growing rapidly. Plus I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m weak. Always calling with my questions, always begging for answers.
I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do at this point. I liked the people I worked with (though they probably hate me now) and the job was interesting for the most part, it was just too hard on my body. I feel weak saying that. I need the money but I know that I can’t do it, because if I do I’ll end up in the hosptial due to loosing the use of some important limb.
Edit: I just spoke to the housekeeper supervisor. I expected her to be all angry at me and frustrated, but surprisingly she wasn’t. I guess it’s cause I breifly mentioned on my first day that winters might be hard on me, and because the girl who trained me saw one of my scars and asked me about it, so I told her. I have a feeling she reports everything I say to the housekeeper supervisor, so in a way that’s a good thing. The supervisor is going to talk to the overall boss to see if I can get in at reception, but since I can’t do housekeeping anymore I’m no longer worker there. Hopefully I can get in to do housekeeper, that or at least get an interview with the people at the call center. I need cash soon times.
Posted by Sarcastica @
7:07 am |
Fragile
The past four days or so I have been extremely busy. This weekend was a really emotional ride, and let me tell you I don’t hope to repeat it any time soon.
It was busy because I had a lot of plans; hanging with my friends, going to one of my best guy buds surprise birthday parties, and trying to figure out why the college’s website was declining my brand new credit card every time I attempted to pay for my parking pass. I was - and still am - stressed out and worried about my whole money situation. It feels like I’ve given out a thousand resumes and haven’t gotten one call back yet. I’ve been searching for a job for months now, really I have. Every place doesn’t want to hire me as I can’t physically do all the aspects of their job. I didn’t get the job at the gas station because I can’t go around the entire property and collect garbage from the huge bins.
Anyways, I was sort of taking that out on Booth. I know, I shouldn’t have. He got really upset because he was frustrated that there wasn’t anything he could do to help calm my nerves and solve my money woes (although he didn’t realize that just by being there and listening to me bitch helps enough). So by the end of the weekend we had gotten into several arguments and had a good nice long chat and cry about it, so now things are good.
Sunday night I headed home since I haven’t spent any time there in a few days. I had a bad feeling around 11pm and decided to call Booth. Turns out my bad feeling was right; Dragon had a heart attack and Booth and her husband were on their way to the hospital. Thinking Dragon’s two little boys with special needs were at home with her 15 year old daughter, who was understandably freaking out and upset, I took off to Dragon’s house. The boys had actually gone to the hospital with Booth though, not wanting to leave their mothers side. So Dragon’s daughter, her boyfriend and I all piled into my car and drove to the hospital to meet up with everyone.
Dragon’s “fine” now, she saw the doctor and she did indeed have a heart attack. Technically she died several times before arriving to the hospital as she had stopped breathing and had no pulse. The sound of her 7 year old screaming eventually brought her back, because she is hell bent on sticking around to care for her kids.
Her doctor wanted her to spend the night in the hospital and then get sent to a cardiac doctor in T.O today, but she refused to stay there because she wanted to go home with her kids. Probably not the best idea, but there is no changing Dragon’s mind once it’s set.
Now I know I’ve mentioned Dragon’s numerous health problems before; she’s got a really bad heart, has mini strokes all the time, and several chronic illness disorders that she’s had since birth. This heart attack still came as a shock to everyone, especially Booth and I. We all look at Dragon to be made of stone and we’re all so sure that nothing can ail her like that because of her sheer will power.
Booth was understandably shook, and it took a while to calm him down. Even when Dragon took a cab home at 3am and sat with us in the garage, he was shook. Of course he was telling her what actually happened to her, since she couldn’t really remember. Reliving that must have been tough.
So I’m exhausted today, but I’m going to stick around for a bit and pick up some slack since Dragon needs to relax. I hope my parents don’t get pissed at me for it, but its easier to help Dragon out now rather than waiting for it to be too late. Her kids are way to young to loose their mother, and they need her so much.
I guess this is another reminder of just how fragile life really is.
Posted by Sarcastica @
10:11 am |
Rulez are for Foolz
I woke up this morning and just knew that the weather sucked. I could feel it in my aching bones; the dampness, the rain. I knew my chances of getting my license were slimmer then they would have been if the sun was brightly shining. For one, I’ve never driven in rain before. Like ever. I’ve only ever been allowed to drive if it’s not raining. A lot of good that did me.
The drive up to where I was taking my test seemed to take forever. I feared I wouldn’t make it in time for my 8:50am appointment. The clouds threatened to spill at any moment, only I already had come to the conclusion - and somewhat accepted - that they would release their heavy droplets the moment I began my road test.
True enough, after I had filled out the paper work and was sitting waiting in my car for the person who would decide my future of driving (or not driving), it began to rain. Not heavily mind you, but enough so that my heart started to sink. It was the kind of rain that you just knew would pick up.
The person who was doing the drive test for me was a female. She seemed nice enough on first glance; middle aged, yellowish hair and rather short. Course it was rather hard to see her as she approached my car*. It was as if the Heavens or Mother Nature or whoever is control of such things as the weather had decided to watch me scrim in nervous anticipation by making the rain pool down from the clouds right as she looked at my car. Not a very promising sign, one would normally take this sign and already assume they had failed. I was no different, only I promised myself I would give it my best go and try not to let the rain get the best of me, because that’s just what Mother Nature (or the Heavens) wanted.
I felt I did a good job with the whole driving bit, it was definitely the three point turns, hill parking and parallel parking that did me in. The first thing she made me try was the hill park. I wasn’t close enough to the curb. The second thing she made me do was a three point turn on a deserted dead end street. I hit the curb with my back tires on that one. Then there was the parallel park. My curb judgment was, again, off and I was too far away from the curb.
Needless to say, I was feeling very disheartened when she made me drive back to the drive test building. I was sure I had failed, especially when she “had” to tell me when to go on my left turn onto the road that leads to the drive test building. I actually knew when to go, I suppose there are just some people who feel the need to tell you anyway. Or maybe it’s because I almost accidentally went down the wrong road.
She made me pull into a parking stall, but pedestrians threw off my observation skills and I had to back out to straighten myself. I checked quickly but I don’t think she saw because she was busy writing when I looked, so it looked like I didn’t check. It wasn’t very promising. She didn’t declare proudly that I passed like the one lady had to the guy next to me when he parked beside me.
“Well,” she said, pausing while she wrote something down. “Your curb judgment was a little off. You need to check and move your car slower when doing the three point turn, that way you don’t hit the curb. But you did do your driving very well and followed the posted speed signs as well as the lights…”
I thought my heart couldn’t sink any further then it already had, I mean starting out with negatives is a total sign of failure. Or at least in most cases, and I definitely wasn’t hopeful. That’s why I nearly shit my pants a moment later.
“…but you made it. Take this paper inside and the ladies there will help you with it,” she said, handing me the test sheet, where in the box for the “pass” was check marked. Stunned, I thanked her and we both got out of the car. I wished her a good day and went inside the building, staring at the paper as I walked. I was very confused…sure I hadn’t heard her right. I passed? Really? After I screwed up on basically like all the parking things she asked me to do?
I suppose what saved me was my driving in a straight line skill and the ambulance that drove by on the opposite side of the road with it’s lights flashing, because I signaled and pulled over to the right as soon as I saw it. Perhaps that earned me some brownie points. Funny that I would encounter an ambulance for the first time ever I’m driving while doing a drive test.
I got to drive home and my mom and I stopped off at Tims for a celebratory coffee and bagel. I suppose she’s relieved that she doesn’t have to drive me places any more, I know I sure am. Although apparently there are still “rules”, such as I can’t come and go as I please. Sigh. I’m still holding out hoping that having my G2 will mean a little bit more freedom. Who knows though. My parents definitely like rules.
Now I’m off to my interview at the gas station. Hopefully today’s my day and I get the job that would make me happy. After my interview I’m going to Booth’s to surprise him. He doesn’t know I passed yet, so shh don’t tell him anybody!
*My car is actually my parents car in which they let me drive.
Posted by Sarcastica @
9:13 am |
Fancy Don’t Let Me Down
I’m not in the perkiest of moods right now, so I apologize ahead of time if this post sounds like I’m complaining too much - because I probably am. Before I get any hate mail though, I realize I don’t have it bad as some people. But it’s in human nature to feel sorry for yourself, isn’t it? Whatever. Keep in mind that this is my venting place; where I do that thing called venting. Sometimes that means I complain. Ya. If you don’t like it, nobody asked you to read it. [But for the record I do love my readers and commenters and lurkers and all that so don't take that as a personal attack because it's really not directed at anybody].
And with that promising introduction, I’ll move on to my day/week/month, because the emotions of today really tie in to whats happened this week…and this month and last month really. I think I can safely say that I have a very hard time forgiving and forgetting. I mean, I can forgive someone for something they’ve done…but I have a hard time forgetting. Considering everyone else has those issues too, we’re in quite the predicament aren’t we?
Ok first things first; I’m not too healthy recently. Physically and mentally, as much as I hate to admit it. I technically should be blogging about my health woes over at my health blog, but I’m really too lazy to update that regularly lately. I’m still waiting on that surgery date, and I have new health concerns. There is a bone growth on the back of my left upper leg that has been causing me a lot of pain the past few months, more so this month. It’s gotten rapidly bigger. I didn’t even notice it to be honest, as I try to block out pains and not complain about things. Often when I mention an ache or pain, it’s only after it gets rapidly bigger and causes more pain. Unfortunately, this seems to happen quite a bit and I don’t like appearing like a complainer, so I tend to attempt to keep it to myself. Hence why I can get really bitchy for like no apparent reason, which gets everyone else around me mad at me. So anyway, yesterday I showed Dragon and Booth the tumour. Dragon is a cancer survivor, she’s in remission now, and she told me to go get an ultrasound on it because it has veins and it’s in a soft tissue area of my body. She got a bad feeling when she looked at it, and warned me that it could be cancerous if its growing that quickly and has veins.
Now I’m not saying it is, but damn isn’t that freaky? I’m 19. I don’t want to think about shit like that. But cancer can spread quickly, and I really don’t think I should ignore it. Especially when it’s causing me this much pain. Like sitting down now at the computer is uncomfortable and painful, but so is putting my legs up. I can’t seem to win lately. Anyways, I called my specialist and left a message with my concerns. I realize that its not the area they are going to operate on, but I’m thinking that maybe they should take a look at it. Maybe they could fit an extra area in, and since I don’t have my surgery date yet they can allow for more time…maybe. I also called my family doctor to get in and get a form for an ultrasound on it, just to make sure there is no cancer. It could just be a bone growth thats growing fast and causing discomfort to the muscles and veins around it. I have an appointment tomorrow morning so we’ll see how that goes.
Emotionally, I feel drained. Like I’ve been screaming to be heard and no one’s listening to me. I know, very emo-ish. Whatever though, it’s how I feel. I’m tired of trying to defend myself and Booth. I’m tried of people holding grudges and acting like Booth is a horrible person, because I know he’s not. Nobody’s really even given him a chance, and now they certainly don’t give him the time of day and it hurts me. But I’m done trying to appease everyone, and trying to make them see how stupid it is to hate Booth. Just because he hasn’t gone to college yet does not mean he’s going no where. I’m not in college, am I? Not yet anyway. I’m still going somewhere, aren’t I? Maybe they secretly feel I’m not going to go anywhere though, and that’s why there worried. I don’t know. What I do know is that Booth does have goals and plans. He’ll be in the Business program in college by February, yes, he has to take some extra courses in high school but after that he can get into any program he wants. That won’t even take a month to do, since they will be correspondence courses. I’m taking Dental Reception and Admin in September. I’ve got my tuition paid and student card picture taken, I just need to get my schedule and books and perhaps a tour of the college and I’m good to go.
So why is he still going no where? I know complete assholes who have University degrees. Booth isn’t a complete asshole. Sure, he said some hurtful things that one night but get over it already - so did everyone else. He’s sorry about that and I don’t know how many times I have to repeat that. But I’m done repeating it, and I’m done trying to defend myself, Booth, and our relationship. The bottom line is that I love him, and he’s going to be a part of my life for a very long time - so get used to him. It makes me unhappy to have everyone “disliking him” and thinking he’s “no good” for me. No good for me would be someone who physically and emotionally abuses me and treats me like shit - but Booth doesn’t and never will. He treats me so amazingly that I smile each day. He makes me feel beautiful, and I’ve never really felt beautiful. I’ve always felt like a freak. I’ve never felt confident and beautiful enough to wear shorts in public, but now I don’t care because he says I’m beautiful and I believe him.
Complete strangers see how good we are for each other, why can’t my loved ones? Ya, we’ve got a long way to go…we both need to get our educations and stable jobs. But that doesn’t happen over night.
Speaking of stable jobs, I called that gas station today. The manager who interviewed me isn’t in until tomorrow, so I don’t know if I got that job. I called West 49 too, and they already have “enough people”, but I can feel free to submit a resume in the future. That sucks so much…I really wanted that job. So today I spent half the day on job bank sending resumes to potential employers. Hopefully somebody calls me back.
Sigh. I feel a lot less bleh now that I’ve blogged about these things. Now I can unwind and catch up on my blogosphere readings, including new blogs I love discovering new bloggers…it’s always so refreshing and cool.
Edit/P.S. I’ve decided to use my Google Reader again. I have so many blogs that I read that its impossible to read all in one week with this dial up connection. Now I’ll be able to read everything! Don’t know why I stopped using my Google Reader in the first place (probably laziness) <3
Posted by Sarcastica @
9:19 pm |
Pogos and Facebook Lurking
I can’t believe how disgusting Pogos are. You know, those hotdogs wrapped in batter on a stick? Those things? They look so good in the picture on the box, yet despite following the direct instructions on how to cook them they still taste like disgusting butt. Even with an overwhelming amount of ketchup and mustard on it, I still couldn’t get past the nastiness of it to eat the second one. I gave it to my mom, cause she didn’t want me to waste it…you know, since children in third world countries don’t get food like that. I’m sure they’d be happy not to cause it’s gross!
So I’m feeling pretty on top of things. I cleaned up my room yesterday - well most of it anyway. I put away all of my clothes and got rid of the heaping pile of garbage. I still have to vacuum and reorganize my desk. But that I shall save for another day.
This morning I’m just taking it easy - at home of course - and reading blogs that I haven’t read in a while, lurking people on Facebook (because that’s always fun, don’t lie! You do it too) and ATTEMPTING to upload those pictures of Booth and I…but that might have to wait.
So anyways, when I was lurking people on Facebook, guess what I found out? NSN has a new girlfriend. I was completely shocked to find that I don’t care! See back in November I would have been devastated that he moved on, but in all fairness I technically moved on first. I dated that loser guy for a couple of weeks and I’ve been with Booth for nearly six months, and since being with Booth…I’ve never looked back. I see now how I should be treated, and it definitely wasn’t how NSN treated me. My definition of love has completely changed thanks to Booth, and its all for the better!
I can’t remember if I ever really blogged about what really was going on between NSN and I because I can remember not wanting the good people of blogland to hate him, and since I’m too lazy to go back in my achieves and find out…I’ll just retell it. I don’t care if you guys hate him now though, because I do! Anyways, I would give 100% in that stupid relationship, and NSN barely gave 50%. He took everything I did for him for granted and just expected more and more of me, which is why by the end I was so exhausted and fed up. At the time, I didn’t want to end the relationship because I figured it was only so bad because I moved away and we saw each other less. I didn’t realize or want to admit the fact that his stupidity was there throughout our entire relationship and he had grown tired of me way at the beginning. If I had a bad day, he got pissed at me for wanting to talk about what was going on or for getting upset over the millions of stupid things he did.
But with Booth, he gives 100% to our relationship, just like I do. He’s aware that not every day can be sunshine and butterflies, and he knows that everybody has their insecure days. He’s patient and kind with me, and he doesn’t expect anything that he wouldn’t give me first. He’s aware of the fact that you don’t have to go out every single night of the week, that sometimes sitting at home with a rented movie can be just as romantic as an “expensive dinner”. Since we’re both broke and can’t even consider affording expensive dinners, this is what we do often. Booth actually likes and enjoys my company. He considers me to be his best friend, and I consider him to be mine. You need to be friends as well as lovers, and thats something NSN never understood because he never even considered me a friend.
Truth be told, I’ve had several chance meetings with Booth before NSN and I broke up. He was at that fundraiser I helped run and we made eye contact and I thought he was hot (Booth remembers every detail about what I was wearing and how my hair looked etc haha). And then there was this one time at McPout’s house, when NSN, B2 and her then boyfriend were all hanging out with McPout and Nelly and my mom. Booth dropped by with another neighbour and I can remember feeling quite hot because he kept looking at me from the corner of his eye and smiling that cute shy smile he has. He said that he was checking me out because I was hot, and that he was looking at NSN on the couch and thinking “total loser” haha. I asked Booth why he didn’t run over and sweep me off my feet into his arms and kiss me then and there, and he said because he didn’t want to be a home wrecker and knew that NSN and I wouldn’t last very long.
And we didn’t, and I’m glad because I would never have realized just how perfect Booth is for me. Sure, he might not have a college education at this point and he may not have the best job in the world…but he’s happy with what he does, and I’m happy that he’s found something he enjoys doing. Heck, I know he’s going to go to college next September for Business, he’s so excited about it and he can’t wait. The only reason why he didn’t sign up for this year is because they started the tattoo business and he wants to help Dragon get that off the ground before he goes to school. Makes sense to me, and he’s making money - contrary to what everyone else thinks.
And the most important thing is that he’s making me happy. I’ve never dated a guy who was so intuned to what I want and need. I have never dated a guy who actually cares enough to make me happy every single day. Booth buys me random presents, he’s bought me an adorable sundress, a ring, a purse, and countless rings for my multiple piercings. I don’t care if he “looks like a grenade went off in his face” due to all his piercings, because he’s a good guy. He really is. I didn’t know what a good guy was until I met him because the only one I knew was my dad and I thought that good guys were a dead breed. I’ve always been told to never judge a book by it’s cover, and I don’t. Sure, I have opinions about people, but that’s after I get to know them. Opinions are fine if you have taken the time to get to know someone, but making prejudgments aren’t fine.
Remember this? I still stand by what it says.
P.S. I’m amused at the turn of events this post has taken.
P.S.S. I love Booth and I’m happy. And I wish everyone else would see that, piercings and tattoos aside people, he’s amazing to me.
Posted by Sarcastica @
10:17 am |
Protected: So…I’m 19 eh
Posted by Sarcastica @
9:35 am | Enter your password to view comments
Protected: Volcano
Posted by Sarcastica @
7:59 am | Enter your password to view comments
Coasting
Things have been rather crazy for the past couple of days and I haven’t had the time to update. There are a couple of pictures of me shakeboard dancing…but they are on other people’s cameras so I can’t really say when I will be able to get my hands on them.
Embarrassingly enough, I didn’t work for the full 4 days. By the end of the 2nd days shift, my back was killing me. It got progressively worse as the night went on and by morning, I could barely even walk to the bathroom. I had to call in and explain my situation to the program director person, and they were understanding but at the same time a bit annoyed. Hello, it was four days and I couldn’t even do it. That’s a wee bit pathetic.
But I guess it’s my own fault…at the beginning of my 2nd shift I decided to work extra hard and dance non-stop. I even tried on the mascot costume and danced around. Unfortunately, I guess I threw out my back doing all this. My back is still killing me 
I called my friend to see if she could take over, and thankfully she could.
This weekend was busy for me. Jo had her birthday party Friday night, and Booth stayed over the entire weekend (in the family room of course). I have decided I don’t really like birthday parties - they usually end up with me having a major headache thanks to the amount of drama that swirls around them.
For one, Jo invited one of my ex-boyfriends…Reaper. Booth was on his guard because at first he felt insecure, but the second he met Reaper he relaxed because there definitely isn’t a threat. Reaper’s girlfriend though, didn’t feel that way about me. She got pissed at me because she thought I was hitting on Reaper, which is hilarious. I only had like a total of 5 conversations with the guy, and every time we talked Booth was involved because they were usually conversations about tattoos and drawing (since Reaper wants to sell his art work to tattoo shops). Well this at least explains why in the middle of one of our conversations Reaper’s little girlfriend raced over and started sucking face with him, leaving Booth and I to look awkwardly at each other.
That really floors me. When Booth is having a conversation with someone, no matter who it is, I would never go up to him and interrupt him - let alone race up and start sucking face with him. I don’t care who it is he’s talking to, there is a time and place for everything. Kissing someone while they’re trying to have a conversation is a bitchy and rude move. This girl Reaper is dating contributed to the drama that night (which didn’t really involve me) and I definitely don’t want to see her around again. It was disgusting to think that she could think that when clearly, I’m 100% happy with Booth. Jo even told her that.
Saturday was a busy day too. It was my dad’s party for all of his friends. It was a really awesome time for the most part, save for some parts. I was pleased to see Booth getting along with all of my extended family, and by the end of the night Mel told us that she couldn’t wait until we got married because we connect so well, and Booth fits perfectly with every aspect of my life.
Even the not so perfect aspects, Booth fits. He stands by. I was stunned this weekend because he knew exactly what to do and what to say in sticky/awkward situations. It definitely wasn’t a show. I know that any of my ex-boyfriends would have long since taken off after witnessing that sort of thing. Not Booth. You know a guy is for real when not only is he not afraid to comfort you, but he is also not afraid to comfort your family. Not to mention, he fully intends on accompanying me to all of my hospital appointments. I have another one on the 16th, which he assured me he would be going to whether I liked it or not. And this time, it doesn’t feel like a show. That thought never even crosses my mind. It feels like he wants to go because he wants to know exactly what I’m facing and he wants to be there for me when I hear it.
Randomly enough, we also had a dog for a couple of days. Around 2am Saturday, he pranced in to the garage where we were all partying and drinking. He was a huge black lab/Newfoundland Retriever and at first I mistook him for a bear. He was completely lovable and friendly though, and he stuck around until today. Sunday we had to go out and get him some food because we didn’t know where he was from. Today I called the pound and found his owners right away. The dog’s name was Rylie and he literally lived like 5 minutes up the road from us, he just loved the attention and food he was getting at our place and didn’t feel like going home yet. They picked him up today though, and we were all sad to see him go. He had a really wicked personality.
Sunday was a dab day really, Booth and I watched a movie with my parents and Kate. It was pretty good. Today I hung out with my friend who lives down the road and we exchanged books and music and watched a movie. It was pretty chill. I’m so exhausted thanks to my many late nights this weekend, and I completely forgot to call my granny to thank her for the tops she got me while shopping with Jo and my mom on Friday. Damn it. I’ll have to remember to do it tomorrow before I leave for Booth’s.
It’s his birthday tomorrow! He’s turning 22! What an old fart. I can’t wait to see his face when he sees the wicked present I got him! Although he does already know what I got him…thanks to my inability to keep anything from him. Sigh. I’ll have to work on that.
In a couple of weeks Booth and I are making a trip down to Karen’s and I’m completely stoked for it. Karen is going to teach me how to do graphic design and coding so I can make some money while I’m laid up at home recovering from surgery. Booth is probably going to be drooling over the Wii and x-Box with the boys. All in all, it’ll be good times. Perhaps we’ll even go out drinking with my NEWLY AGED SELF Yep, only 12 more days until my birthday folks!
I don’t think I’ll be having a birthday party at home though. I really want one, but the last two parties were enough for my parents. Although for the record, I totally wouldn’t let drama happen at my party. People can cab it home if they act up. I don’t care how expensive cab fair is out here, if someone isn’t following the rules they would be leaving.
Anyways, I’m coasting on content right now…which is good. I’ve started “reproduction” on a few story ideas. Hopefully I can keep up the stamina though.
And I should really catch up on blog reading…since I haven’t been good with that lately.
I also need to job hunt again. Sigh. We should place bets or something. Tune in next week to see if Sarcastica can find summertime employment this late in the season.
Posted by Sarcastica @
9:11 pm |
Better than the Oscars!
This morning I woke up feeling a little more then smoopey. I had had a little argument the night before with my mom over my lack of time spent at home, and was feeling pretty worthless and selfish (which I shall most likely go in deeper detail about later) and I was also due in the big T.O for a doctor’s appointment - which I wasn’t very optimistic about considering doctor’s appointments in T.O last all day normally, and results are normally frustrating or depressing.
However, after I showered and readied myself for the day, I checked my phone and was shockingly surprised to see that I had received a text message from my cousin Karen. Basically, it just said “I blawgggged about you. Xo” and because I can’t contain the excitement of being blawgggged about by other writers, I rushed down to the nearest computer and was tickled pink to see that I had won an award! Me!
Karen indeed had blawgggged about me, and it was all about her presenting me with an adorable award. She made me laugh and cry…it was seriously better then CATS. Seriously…although I haven’t actually been on Broadway or even seen the play CATS but whatever, I bet it beats it!
As far as I understand, I have to award this thing to 10 people that I love THIS much, which is a difficult decision for me to make because my heart is so often bursting with love for like everyone and everything! But here it goes…in no order at all. Obviously you guys know that my blog lacks any structure and order at all 
Jessica at So Supercilious - I only recently started reading her blog, but damn it I’m hooked! You can’t tear me away from it! She reminds me very much of myself, and I can completely relate to her witty commentary of every day life. Soon enough she shall be my partner in crime (although she doesn’t really know that yet - stalkerish much? sure), filming the epic adventures of Sarcastica bar hopping at 19. She definitely is one of the few teen bloggers that I read [and thoroughly enjoy]. She’s not afraid to speak - or rather, write - her mind and for that reason Jessica, I love you THIS much!
Sarah at A Child’s Romance - Also a new read, and another new blogger that completely blows my mind! Sarah has an amazing way with words, and writes beautiful poetry! She’s witty, she’s funny, she’s real. She doesn’t fall into a sub category and that is absolutely refreshing! She blogs about a wide range of things from her own poetry writings to job frustrations (which are always hilarious to read) and friend issues. It’s great seeing that more and more people are being more open with their blogs, and Sarah is one of them. I love you THIS much Sarah, for being real and raw!
Girl, Dislocated at Girl, Dislocated - I started reading Girl, Dislocated like a year ago, and ever since the first entry I read, I’ve been hooked. GD is a woman suffering from a rare medical condition, but her outlook on life in general is just so not what you would expect it to be. No matter how bad it gets, GD has an outlook that picks even me up just by reading. She has hilarious stories of bones popping out at the most inconvenient times and by her writing, you can tell that she accepts who she is 100%, despite how hard popping your joints back in to place in the grocery store line up is. She sympathizes with me for my health woes (although I never have hilarious stories to share darn eh?) and makes me feel, just from reading her posts, that life is not just about a medical disorder. For that reason Girl, Dislocated, I love you THIS much!
Jess at Bumblebee Dreams - Jess was a long time lurker of mine (I think that’s what she said) and first started to comment during one of my [not so] private posts. In turn, I checked out her blog and instantly fell in love with it. Now you can’t get me a way from it! I absolutely love her writing style, and she occasionally shares very inspirational stories from her childhood that I personally can relate to in my current situation. She sees things in the same kind of light that I do, and I adore that! For being a wicked awesome person Jess, I love you THIS much!
Bennie at A Work of Art: Raising Our Exceptional Son - If you have not yet seen or read this blog, do so now. Trust me. It will open your eyes in so many ways! Bennie is an exceptional writer who is able to give you a birds eye view of what raising a child with special needs is like. The way he writes brings you right in to the life of his son, Ben, who is remarkable in every way. He’s taught me a lot about so many things, and for that Bennie, I love you THIS much. [Note to Bennie; you probably know me as Jessi/Jess from A Medical Mystery...I'm not some creepy stalker, don't worry!].
Angelique at It’s Raining Noodles - One of the Best Teen Weblog finalists in the 2008 Bloggies; and definitely one of the best teen writers out there! She definitely seems like someone I could relate to easily and get along with spectacularly as she views life the same way I do! She never fails to entertain me with her random posts, and always makes me think with her posts on life situations. For this reason Angelique, I love you THIS much!
Avitable at Avitable: Tact Is For Pussies - Definitely one of the MOST ballsy bloggers I know! Most would agree, as they are literally pictures all over the net! His sense of humour is a bit sick and twisted, but admit it…you laugh just as much as I do! Avitable has been a blogging friend of mine for years now, and although sometimes his comments have absolutely nothing to do with the posts they are supposedly in response to, that’s another reason to like him. Because he’s random…like myself (although I’m random in a less freaky/sexual way). For actually building me a pink unicorn bedroom Avitable, I love you THIS much!
Miss Britt at Miss Britt - I LOVE her writing! She’s suave and chic, but at the same time she’s honest and raw. Some of her posts make me want to cry and some of them make me double over in pain from laughing so much (thus drawing weird looks from people around me). She’s also a hilarious drunk, and for that reason Miss Britt, I love you THIS much!
NYC Watchdog at A Pile Of Dog Bones - NYC Watchdog is a really spectacular person, and I’m totally not stretching the truth. He has one of the biggest hearts out of everybody I’ve met (well figuratively anyway, through his writings) in the blogging world. He’s been through a hell of a lot that nobody should have to go through, yet still he stands and offers that same compassionate understanding that Dog is so known to have. For those reasons and a million more Dog, I love you THIS much!
Rik at Person Without a Clue - Rik has been a blog friend of mine since I started waaay back in 2005. He’s been the fatherly type, offering advice and sympathy when I mess up big and generally just being there for me. He is a thoughtful, compassionate person and it definitely shows in his writings on his own blog and in his comment responses to the whacked out stuff I have to say! Because you’re so smart Rik, I love you THIS much!
….and even though you’re technically not supposed to re-send the award back to the person who sent it to you, I just couldn’t resist…
Karen at Karen Sugarpants - She is basically the reason why I started blogging. It was her idea and suggestion that I start my first blog, the late Miss Misery Smiles, as a place to vent and pour my heart and soul into - which I have done, clearly…at the expense of some friendships and groundings. Ever since I started, I have always aspired to be as awesome as she is. I have always looked up at her and considered her to be one of my big sisters; and I feel that I am closer to her then I am my other sisters, because she’s really a cousin and that makes it easier. Sisters are supposed to piss each other off, but Karen rarely pisses me off because she’s able to look at a situation I’m in and give me an unbiased suggestion or opinion without freaking out on me for messing up. I’ve called her crying many a nights…and she’s always taken the calls and comforted me with ease. I suppose you could say I make her feel young and she makes me feel older, we are like almost the same person only at different ages. It’s wicked. For all those reasons and more Karen, I love you THIS much!
There are many more people on my list of loving THIS much but I have already been blogging now since like 10 (so an hour and half ago I started this post). Feel free to do this meme thing if you want! It is really nice to sit back and appreciate some of the fellow bloggers out there.
~*~*~
Now would be the later part of this post; where I discuss my day[s] and vent about all that sucked (so like everything? No not really…I’m not totally emo). Warning: It’s basically a negativity outpour.
Yesterday I had a really crummy afternoon. I just felt so unreasonably insecure and smoopey, even before I had the argument with my mom. Well, I guess my smoopey mood as of late is not totally unreasonable, or so Dragon, Booth and I concluded. There have been a lot of things making me feel crumby. Here is the list, sort of summed up a bit:
- I feel like my relationship with my older sister is suffering due to the amount of time I spend with Booth. I can’t understand why, as I’ve been extremely careful to not intrude on newly wed time and barge in to her house everyday visiting. I find it harder to talk to her every time because she always seems so pissed off at me, and I’m sure you all have a hard time talking to someone who seems pissed off at you.
- I have been searching diligently for a part or full time job this summer, and have not yet wielded any good decent results (save for the 4 day job I have starting tomorrow - and that’s being a shakeboard dancer). Pressure is being put on me at all angles for this as my funds are being stretched hard core and school is just around the corner.
- Because I have not gone to school or worked in like 5 months, I feel like a worthless piece of noncontributing poop. I also know several important family members views on my dropping out of college…and their fears for me doing it again. I didn’t want to be known as “The College Dropout”, but I guess that dropping out of college would earn you that nickname.
- I’m sore. All the time. I barely want to move now and I hate feeling like that. Because of this feeling, I booked the appointment with my doctors, hoping that they would be able to do something about the pain. But I found out today that unfortunately they can’t do much for all my concerns. My hips pop and my ankles lock because of all the bone growths/tumours surrounding them and the looseness that is my joints and ligaments. They can’t realign my ankles because the treatment might be more worse then the now…and healing could be a long process. I might not even heal. I will be having a surgery though to shave down one of the bone growths on my ankle that I believe is the reason behind my locked up leg.
- So the possibility of a surgery brings me even more concern for the summer; as I need money and a summer job, but I also need this surgery and having a surgery will definitely put me out for a while.
Now the argument I spoke of earlier on in this post happened basically because my relationships with my parents seem strained these days. There are several reasons why they are strained; because they don’t seem to understand me and because of the fact that I’m not spending a lot of time at home. Yes, I know…the simple solution would be to spend more time at home and try to explain myself, but this is easier said then done. I’m a hard person to understand, and I sort of suck at confrontations (which is why I’m blogging about it instead of talking about it).
So why am I never home? Well that’s a good question. I would like to be home, but at the same time I just can’t be…for several reasons. A small part is that I’m concerned about my health as that mold is still in the downstairs bathrooms…and it’s worse and spreading. And I know that writing this will just piss my parents off, but its been years now. House mold is unbelievably bad for the health; mold spores stick to the lungs and cause respiratory problems on top of a million other problems. At night, I have a hard time falling asleep because I can’t breathe at night and my stomach issues are getting ridiculous. Another reason why I’m not really home is because whenever I am at home, everyone’s off doing their own thing…barely interacting with each other and they seem mad whenever I try to make conversation. I get lonely. Not to mention, I’m 18 going on 19 living in the middle of nowhere; basically when I’m home I’m stranded. Not having a license and living in the boondocks makes job searches HARD.
So ya, lately I’ve been smoopey. I’ve been taking a lot of things to heart and I know I shouldn’t but I can’t really help that. When you’re already in a bad mood and people start making bad jokes about things, you take it harder then you would if you were in a good mood.
What would fix this? Well…it’s hard to say really. Moving out would fix it for now, because I really don’t want to be here anymore if the mold is still going to be here. I take a shower and all I can smell is MOLD; because the towels touch it along the walls. I can’t sleep at night because it’s all I can smell. So I’m tired and cranky and smoopey. But moving out would seriously piss my parents off. They would think that I want to move in with Dragon and Booth to do the naughty whenever I like, which is completely not true. Like I’ve mentioned before a thousand times, if people want to do the naughty then they’ll do it regardless of their living status. They also fear that if I move out, I’ll be partying nonstop — which is completely not true. I have never really been a partier, I’m more of a homebody. On occasion I do party, but I don’t over do it (at least not in the past 4 months). But I really don’t want to piss my parents off or hurt them any more then they’ve already been hurt…but I’m not happy here and it gets harder and harder to pretend each day.
So I’m between a rock and a hard place. I haven’t even spoken to my parents yet about this because I’m afraid of their reactions. I sort of hope that they read my blog this time…because I don’t know how to explain myself.
[Anyway folks, if you read this; know that I don't want to move out...it might just be more convenient for me...at the moment anyway. Don't hate me...I love you both. Xoxoxo. It's just an idea.]
Blah. Well ya. That’s all for now I guess since this post is WAYYY to long.
Posted by Sarcastica @
9:33 pm |
