All these things I hate [in my head]
There are a million random thoughts racing through my head today, so I’m apologizing ahead of time for the jumpy mess that is sure to follow this little introduction.
I’m still feeling like I got hit by a transport. It has recently occured to me that I haven’t really explained my medical condition in detail on this blog. Usually when I mention it, I throw in a link to my other blog that focuses on my MHE woes. However, it’s come to light recently that having one blog for my daily life and one blog for my MHE life is a bit contradicting. I tend to repeat things (on those rare occasions I update) on my other blog. So from now on I’m not really going to blog on that blog. It only makes sense…I mean after all (as much as I hate to admit it) my MHE is a part of my every day life. It doesn’t just appear sometimes, it’s always present. It doesn’t seem fair to make people go to another blog just to read about that aspect of my life, and I’m sure most of my readers don’t have the time to jump back and forth.
Anyways, lets get down to the nitty gritty of explaining MHE. MHE, or Multiple Hereditary Exostoses, is a rare disorder that effects the bones. You can click here for a medical definition, but to put it bluntly I have extra calcium in my body that produces extra bones, called bone growths (or bone tumours, or “knobs” as my new doctor likes to call them). These bone growths grow in clusters around joints and off other bones in my body. It’s possible to have a very slight, almost not there case of MHE, which would be just a few bone growths here and there on your legs or arms. My MHE is slightly more several, and I’m basically covered from my shoulder blades down to my toes.
There is no cure for MHE and it is a chronic pain illness as these bones cause joint inflammation and can cut off nerves and put stress on the muscles. There is a treatment for MHE, and that is invasive surgery. The surgerons basically cut you open and shave down or remove the extra bone growths to stop them from clustering around joints, cutting off nerves or putting stress on the surrounding muscles. Recovery time can be as quick as a few weeks to several months, or there is a possiblity of never recovering. Sometimes, if the knife slips during the surgery it can damage the nerves or muscle tissue just as badly as leaving the bone growth there can. I’ve had several “emergancy” operations to remove bone growths on my legs that were cutting off the nerves and damaging the muscles. In grade 8 I faced the future of either accepting my diploma from a wheelchair or accepting my diploma from, well, a wheelchair. The bone growth was causing far too much damage to the surrounding nerves and muscles, and if my doctor didn’t operate than I would lose the use of that leg. Because the bone growth caused so much damage, the nerves didn’t completely heal in my right foot.
I’ve had around 10 or so surgeries, and I have roughly 17 scars on my arms and legs. I’m still waiting to hear back from my specialist on when my next surgery will be, as several locations are causing me extreme constant pain.
I don’t like to talk about this often because I fear people will think I’m complaining, or looking for attention. I know many people who think that I use my MHE as a cop out so I don’t have to work. However, I really truly DO want to have a job, I want to work and make money. The reality of it is that most of the positions available for students are physically demanding. It’s not like I’ve never worked a day in my life and just decided to believe that I can’t. I’ve worked at fast food places before, and my body just coudn’t handle it. I can’t stand for long periods of time, and I can’t walk for long periods of time. There goes basically any job available for me to apply at. Most companies are not willing to make exceptions and would choose to not hire you rather than make a few exceptions.
So there you have it, I’ve explained what MHE is, the treatment for it, and why I’m constantly in pain. No, I’m not fishing for sympathy or anything like that - I’m just wanting to explain a few things about me. MHE is a small part of me, but in my hearts of hearts I know that it does not define who I am. My mind does though. In my mind, I like to think of myself as a fighter. Every fighter has successes and every fighter has failures.
~*~*~
Now, on to some other thoughts in my head…I’m stressing out big time about college. I only have like one more week and I still haven’t gotten my books yet. I’m still trying to figure out how the hell to work the college website and get my book list. After I finish this post, I plan on calling the college and getting them to walk me through it - since clearly I’m doing something wrong here. Than hopefully I can pick up those books today, and other school supplies. Bam will be coming with me, hopefully he’ll be my pack mule 
College books are heavy! I also need to look in to getting a locker…although I may just keep my books in my car, that way I don’t have to spend money on a locker (since I don’t have any to spend haha).
Bam asked me the other day if I really wanted to be a Dental Receptionist and Administrator. The answer is no, not really. I would rather be a published author, but I’ll settle for a Dental Receptionist and Administrator for now. It’s a career that doesn’t lack jobs, pays well, and probably has super awesome dental benefits. It will give me a paycheck big enough to live off of, and time to work on my stories in the evenings. So ya, I’ll be a Dental Receptionist and Administrator, and I won’t back down from this. The program is only a year, and I want to do really well on it. I want to get highest ranking graduate in my program as well as be on the college and presidents honor roll.
Since I do have to take Accounting, I’m a bit nervous. Math has NEVER been my strong suit, and hopefully I’ll understand the gibberous that the professor will surely spew in lectures. I won’t fall behind, and if I really don’t understand it I will see about getting a tutor. I have to do well, failing is not an option.
If my surgeron calls with a surgery date that happens to be while I’ve got classes, I won’t be accepting it. Sure, I do need the surgery, but I also need to get an education. I refuse to fall behind. They will just have to book it for the holidays or when school is out. They had their chance to operate on me this summer, but were too busy. The school year is my busy time.
Anyways, I’ve taken up enough of everyone’s time for today. Hopefully I’ll get a chance to post tomorrow.
Posted by Sarcastica @
9:25 am |
Too Much and Not Enough
I thought that yesterday would be easier, because the first day is always the hardest…right? In a sense, it was easier. I knew what to do and I got better at making beds and finishing them at a certain time. In another sense, it was harder. Harder on the body, harder on the spirits.
I was finished work at a quarter to 5. It was a long day because some of the other workers were not worker their hardest and therefore, we had to help them finish their rooms. By the time I got into the car, I was aching from head to toe. By the time I got to Bam’s house and crashed on his bed, I was so stiff and sore moving felt impossible.
I called my mom crying, and Bam crying too (since he was at Dragon’s) because I hurt so much and just knew that tomorrow would be worse. I wasn’t sure if I could put my body through it again, I wasn’t sure if my body would let me put it through that again. I knew that there was no way in hell I would make it through this week.
I feel stupid and pathetic. I’ve only worked two days at the hotel, and yet I am unable to work another day there. I can’t. My body refuses to cooperate with what I want. What I want is to work like any other normal person, to make money and be proud of what I’m doing. My body and my mind are two different things. My body shys away from pain, while my mind tries to overcome it and continue on. All day long I kept saying to myself “If I make it through one more day, I’ll be that much stronger” but at the end of the day I was that much weaker.
I’m ashamed of myself, really ashamed. The housekeeper supervisor went out on a limb and hired me. She told me she hoped I didn’t screw them over after I assured her I could work every weekend. I was sure that I could, I was positive I could train my body and mind to cope with the pain and work those 2 days a week. But the issue at hand is that I’m supposed to work every day for the rest of the summer, and I know everywhere in my body and mind that that goal is just impossible for me to meet.
I bet the ladies I worked with are all standing around the staff room bitching about how I let them down and how I’m a horrible person. After all, there was only going to be about 4 people working today. I was one of those people. But I know that if I had gone in today, I wouldn’t have been any help at all. I would have been slow and stupid, and annoyed the girl who was training me.
I probably should have told the housekeeper supervisor about my medical condition before accepting the job, but I was too afraid too. Every other place that I was honest with ended up not hiring me because I couldn’t do all the things they wanted me to do.
I probably should have realized just how tough housekeeping is. It’s a nonstop standing, bending, crouching, walking, moving job. Sure, I got three breaks throughout the day - two fifteen minute ones and one half hour one - but that wasn’t enough for me.
I feel lower than low, and sorer than sore. I know that I’m not going to find that “dream job” right now, but a job that I could do without causing myself too much pain and discomfort would be pretty sweet.
Bam thinks I should go on disability since it’s hard for me to find a job that I can physically do. I don’t know though. I have high morals about what I will and will not do reguarding my medical disability. I’m not dying, I can walk (sometimes) and I’m resourceful, so why shouln’t I work? I don’t take pain killers because a) they don’t work and b) I dislike not being incontrol of my thoughts. I probably should start taking something, but I don’t want to. Besides, clearly my doctor is too busy, for he hasn’t called me back yet reguarding my surgery date or reguarding my inquiry about booking another appointment so he could look at that bone growth on my hip that’s growing rapidly. Plus I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m weak. Always calling with my questions, always begging for answers.
I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do at this point. I liked the people I worked with (though they probably hate me now) and the job was interesting for the most part, it was just too hard on my body. I feel weak saying that. I need the money but I know that I can’t do it, because if I do I’ll end up in the hosptial due to loosing the use of some important limb.
Edit: I just spoke to the housekeeper supervisor. I expected her to be all angry at me and frustrated, but surprisingly she wasn’t. I guess it’s cause I breifly mentioned on my first day that winters might be hard on me, and because the girl who trained me saw one of my scars and asked me about it, so I told her. I have a feeling she reports everything I say to the housekeeper supervisor, so in a way that’s a good thing. The supervisor is going to talk to the overall boss to see if I can get in at reception, but since I can’t do housekeeping anymore I’m no longer worker there. Hopefully I can get in to do housekeeper, that or at least get an interview with the people at the call center. I need cash soon times.
Posted by Sarcastica @
7:07 am |
SORRY!!!!!
I promise I’m not ignoring anybody! For some stupid reason, the house computer I normally use (aka the “girls” computer”) is not working! And since my mom is normally on her computer, updating my blog and reading my favourites is like near impossible to do with the alloted time I get these days. For now, all I have time for is a quite update but I am bringing my laptop to Bam’s tomorrow and I shall catch up on my reading and commenting then [hopefully].
HOLY CRAP I JUST HAD THE WEIRDEST THING HAPPEN TO ME! I’m sitting here in the family room updating my lovely blog and I hear a knock on the door leading out to the back porch. I glance over and I see a black and white cat with it’s face pressed against the glass just looking at me. I thought it might be Misty, our black and white cat, but then I was all like WTF Misty doesn’t go outside - she’s too crazy and scared to even think about going outside. So I turn on the light to see, and it’s totally not Misty but some random black and white cat just staring at me. I opened the door and the cat ran away, but damn that was weird! Generally the barn cats avoid our house like the plague, but there one was with it’s face pressed right up against the door - staring at me! Weird.
Anyways, that irrelevant rant aside…I have good news. I GOT A JOB! Nope, it wasn’t that telemarketing place…or the pizza place. Both those places found other people. Starting tomorrow, I will be doing housekeeping at a hotel! Glamorous huh? I’m sure I’ll get to clean up lots of nasty things - like dirty bathrooms and the tasty remains of an evening’s fornication. But it’s a weekend job, and money at that. I can’t be too picky these days, since I’ve had what like 5 job rejections in the past 2 months? Yah. I’ll take what I can get at this point. Those credit card bills aren’t going to pay themselves - unfortunately. Pff if you guys thought I’d have funny tales working at a pizza shop, I’m sure I can blow you all away with my hilarious hotel stories. Hopefully I won’t encounter anything too nasty!
My mom isn’t exactly thrilled with my new job position. She would rather I wait until I hear back from my dad’s contact at that other, more local call center. However, I can’t wait any longer. Plus who’s to say that I’ll even get that job. The housekeeping supervisor wasn’t pleased with my class schedule - my classes go from 11am to 6pm most days. I only got the job because I assured her I would work every weekend and all holidays. A little sacrifice that had to be made in order for me to scrap myself out of debt. Sure, if this place has flexible hours (doubtful), pays more than the housekeeping job (probable) and is willing to work around my school schedule, I’ll be all over that job like a fat kid at Chucky Cheese. But at least I have a definite back up plan now.
I’m glad I got this job. I’ve been dying to work for the past few months now. I absolutely hate not having a job. Not only have I missed not having that source of income, but I miss having something to preoccupy my time and thoughts with. I was beginning to miss the group home - at least there I could go to work and get completely lost in the atmosphere and not think about any of my problems.
I don’t really have a lot of problems right now…I mean I’m pretty happy. Content at the very least. However, I do feel like I’m spending too much time with Bam - not that spending time with Bam is a bad thing, I just don’t want him getting sick of me. All of my friends either work full time to save up dough for school or have already gone away to school so Bam’s like the only person I can hang out with. We got into a huge blow up today, over stupid miscommunication and what not. I still feel like I was just in my anger.
You see, Bam and I had plans to hang out today…or at least I thought we did. He said he was going to accompany me to my job interview at the hotel, and then we would possibly go see a movie. But I guess last night he was talking to his friend Bearded1 and they decided to hang out today since Bearded1 might be going back to his mom’s soon. Honestly, I have absolutely no problem at all with Bam hanging out with his friends - I encourage it. If my friends were available more often, I’d be hanging out with them more myself. However, I didn’t know about this change of plans as he failed to tell me last night on the phone, or this morning on the phone, or this morning when I got to his house. So obviously I was a little ticked off about it. I mean, I could have gone shopping with my Granny today…since she wanted to go shopping. But Bam got all mad at me, thinking I was just pissed he wanted to spend time with his friend. He thinks I have a hate on for Bearded1, when I really don’t. I know a while ago I blogged about drama with him and how I disliked him - and I believe I have good reason to. I mean the guy hates me for no apparent reason. He told me I was a fun sucker who sucked all the fun out of Bam, then he said that I’m like that crazy girl Bam dated. Plus a couple weeks ago at a neighbors BBQ he yelled at me because I walked through his house. Bam’s mom told me to go on in because Bam and him where there, and since they were the only people my age at the BBQ I thought I’d go in and chill with them, plus I needed to get my keys off of Bam to call my mom and let her know where I was. He said something like “God can’t he go anywhere without you having to be there?” and yelled at me because he “hates it when people walk through his house”, yet I’ve seen everyone else walk in there to use the washroom and the pool table whenever we’re all hanging out. But I guess I’m not part of the hanging out part, and I’m just there to give Bam rides? That’s what it feels like, since I wasn’t given the same treatment as everyone else. So ya, I dislike Bearded1, but more than anything I’m hurt with how much he dislikes me and how rude he is to me all the time. The only time he’s nice to me is if he wants a favor from me.
Anyways, so Bam was mad at me because he thought I was mad because I “hate” Bearded1. This promoted a very huge argument because I was hurt about a few things that he said, and the fact that he basically said “Oh hey, by the way I want to hang out with Bearded1 today so go home k? Thanks.” Like I get that he needs guy time, I really do - I need girl time too, that’s why I’ve been bitchy - but again, I could have gone shopping today.
Today’s argument made me rethink the amount of time I spend with Bam. I’m not saying spending so much time with him is a bad thing because I love it, and he says he does too, but I think it would be healthier for both if I stopped seeing him every day. I really don’t want him getting sick and tired of me. This is why I’m thankful that I have a job now, and school is around the corner. At least I’ll have these things to preoccupy my mind from missing him - although I know I won’t stop missing him.
Am I being stupid though? Or overreacting? I mean we’ve spent practically every day together since we started dating. I could honestly continue on with seeing him every day, but I really do worry about him getting sick of me. I’m pretty easy to get sick of.
Sigh. It’s almost 10 though and I need to go to bed soon. I start work at 9am, bleh.
Posted by Sarcastica @
7:25 pm |
Girls Minds vs Guys Minds
Sometimes I totally hate being a girl. I mean, I know that’s a completely over dramatic thing to say, but really. Girls are so emotional, they over analyze everything and most of them suck at that important thing called trust. Sure, there are the exceptions: but I’m not one of them. I’m as emotional as they come, and I wouldn’t say that I don’t trust; I just tend to think about the possibility of being let down…more than I probably should.
That doesn’t mean I don’t trust…because I do. I trust Booth with all of my heart. I just get really insecure sometimes…not all the time, but I have my days where I honestly wonder why on Earth this amazing guy is with me - and its not his fault at all. It’s mine, for being insecure. My thoughts are never “OMG he’s gonna cheat on me because that’s the kind of guy he is,” but more or less; “How can I keep him happy? I’m pretty damn uninteresting.”
I’m working on it though, because I really am getting sick of that negative little voice in my head. The voice that can occasionally make itself heard over the ramblings of my thoughts. It shoots little negative comments out, such as “You’ll never look as good as that girl there,” when a pretty girl walks by with the “perfect” shape.
Like I said, I’m working on it.
I honestly do believe that once I find a job (knock on wood that it happens soon) and/or start school in September, that negative voice in my head will dull the hell down. Right now I just feel useless and lazy, and I want money. Like soon times.
I’ve got a busy weekend ahead of me; tomorrow I’m cleaning and gutting out my bedroom and getting ready to move…into Kate’s bedroom! That’s after I paint it of course. I wanted to paint it a rich royal purple, or hot pink, or bright green or an orange colour. But those colours don’t fly to well with mom; she doesn’t want any dark colours and the rest of the selection makes her gag. But blue (the room’s current colour) feels cold to me. Maybe I can talk her in to hot pink, or deep purple.
Or red…
And on top of that, Birdman’s having a party tomorrow night, and then theres a huge BBQ this Sunday. Saturday I’ll probably be moving into the room, and/or visiting Kate at her new apartment. And then I get to look forward to next weekends camping trip with Booth! I get to meet his step mom and his best friend
Anyways, I’m tired and should start the cleaning bit of this program.
Posted by Sarcastica @
9:04 pm |
Typo-clock in the Morning
Bah. I just replied to comments over at this post, with quite a view spelling and grammatical errors. Hey! Don’t hate on me, it’s only 10ish in the morning and I just woke up. I probably wouldn’t have been up for another two hours or so [I was up late reading last night, a really good book called The Blue Girl by Charles de Lint - check it out if you like fairy folklore stories and fantasy] but I got a phone call from the gas station.
So backing it up a bit, since I haven’t updated in like four days…my interview with the gas station went swell - or at least I think so, I had my interviewer laughing and smiling the entire time. But I didn’t get the job because they “don’t need anybody now”. Personally, I think it’s because I told him I was unable to do the physical aspect of the job; which is go to all the parking lots and collect garbage. I have issues opening bottles of pop. I think they just found someone able to do everything they wanted, never mind if I have super awesome skills on cash and I’m like the best friendliest person in the world. Never mind that I treat all costumers like the wickedly awesome and interesting people they are - even the assholes. Although I do have a slight attitude with the asshole costumers, but I swear it’s nothing detectable.
So ya, anyways back to the phone call; I had already found out they didn’t need anybody, but today I got a call from the Eastbound gas station owned by the same guy. They are still looking for someone and wanted to know if I would like to have an interview with them. Hells yes! Sure as shit I want a chance at getting a job and making some money so I can pay off my Visa bill and start getting myself a good credit rating! Hells yes I want money for dollar beer nights with the girls! Hells yes I wanna throw a bunch of money at Bell and say cut my damn cell phone off, then sneak off to Rogers and get a brand new plan with Booth! [We both talked about it, and it makes sense; the only people we actually call are each other, so if we can get a plan with unlimited texting and calling to each other than that would be just peachy keen swell don't cha think?]
But ya, my interview is tomorrow at lunch time. After my G2 road test. Good golly I hope I pass my G2 road test! I need my damn license so bad, in case this job doesn’t work out and I need to search further. But I’ve decided I’m not going to stress out and freak out about it; I’ll practice today and I’ll do my best tomorrow. If my best isn’t what they think it should be and I fail, I’ll book it for another day and practice even harder. It makes sense that they wouldn’t give out licenses to people who don’t know what they’re doing, so why argue the matter?
I will go in being me. Same with the interview tomorrow. I won’t take out the hoop in my lip because I don’t have anything to change it to (since there are like brownies living in Dragon’s house and all of my lip rings have gone missing. Truthfully, I probably vacuumed the lot of them up). Not to mention, it’s finally healing haha so I’ll leave it. Besides, this is how I wear it normally. I will ask about their policy on facial piercings, and if they have one I will wear a retainer to work. No big.
Bah. I wish I could just speed up time and get tomorrow over with. Having to do your G2 road test and have an interview in the same day will most likely be nerve wracking, although I’m trying to approach it in an “I don’t care” attitude - but the thing is I really do care. I really want to get my license, and I’ll be disappointed in myself if I don’t. And I really want and need to get this job, and I’ll be even more disappointed in myself if I don’t get it more so than being disappointed because I didn’t get my license. Jobs aren’t exactly plentiful here lately, and if I screw it up on more time then I don’t know where else to apply.
I’ve GOTTA get my smart serve. Maybe I’ll do that online this week, and then I can start applying at restaurants.
Anyways, while I continue to wake up I’m going to catch up on my blog reading Yay Google Reader!! Without it I would be screwed.
Posted by Sarcastica @
8:35 am |
Fancy Don’t Let Me Down
I’m not in the perkiest of moods right now, so I apologize ahead of time if this post sounds like I’m complaining too much - because I probably am. Before I get any hate mail though, I realize I don’t have it bad as some people. But it’s in human nature to feel sorry for yourself, isn’t it? Whatever. Keep in mind that this is my venting place; where I do that thing called venting. Sometimes that means I complain. Ya. If you don’t like it, nobody asked you to read it. [But for the record I do love my readers and commenters and lurkers and all that so don't take that as a personal attack because it's really not directed at anybody].
And with that promising introduction, I’ll move on to my day/week/month, because the emotions of today really tie in to whats happened this week…and this month and last month really. I think I can safely say that I have a very hard time forgiving and forgetting. I mean, I can forgive someone for something they’ve done…but I have a hard time forgetting. Considering everyone else has those issues too, we’re in quite the predicament aren’t we?
Ok first things first; I’m not too healthy recently. Physically and mentally, as much as I hate to admit it. I technically should be blogging about my health woes over at my health blog, but I’m really too lazy to update that regularly lately. I’m still waiting on that surgery date, and I have new health concerns. There is a bone growth on the back of my left upper leg that has been causing me a lot of pain the past few months, more so this month. It’s gotten rapidly bigger. I didn’t even notice it to be honest, as I try to block out pains and not complain about things. Often when I mention an ache or pain, it’s only after it gets rapidly bigger and causes more pain. Unfortunately, this seems to happen quite a bit and I don’t like appearing like a complainer, so I tend to attempt to keep it to myself. Hence why I can get really bitchy for like no apparent reason, which gets everyone else around me mad at me. So anyway, yesterday I showed Dragon and Booth the tumour. Dragon is a cancer survivor, she’s in remission now, and she told me to go get an ultrasound on it because it has veins and it’s in a soft tissue area of my body. She got a bad feeling when she looked at it, and warned me that it could be cancerous if its growing that quickly and has veins.
Now I’m not saying it is, but damn isn’t that freaky? I’m 19. I don’t want to think about shit like that. But cancer can spread quickly, and I really don’t think I should ignore it. Especially when it’s causing me this much pain. Like sitting down now at the computer is uncomfortable and painful, but so is putting my legs up. I can’t seem to win lately. Anyways, I called my specialist and left a message with my concerns. I realize that its not the area they are going to operate on, but I’m thinking that maybe they should take a look at it. Maybe they could fit an extra area in, and since I don’t have my surgery date yet they can allow for more time…maybe. I also called my family doctor to get in and get a form for an ultrasound on it, just to make sure there is no cancer. It could just be a bone growth thats growing fast and causing discomfort to the muscles and veins around it. I have an appointment tomorrow morning so we’ll see how that goes.
Emotionally, I feel drained. Like I’ve been screaming to be heard and no one’s listening to me. I know, very emo-ish. Whatever though, it’s how I feel. I’m tired of trying to defend myself and Booth. I’m tried of people holding grudges and acting like Booth is a horrible person, because I know he’s not. Nobody’s really even given him a chance, and now they certainly don’t give him the time of day and it hurts me. But I’m done trying to appease everyone, and trying to make them see how stupid it is to hate Booth. Just because he hasn’t gone to college yet does not mean he’s going no where. I’m not in college, am I? Not yet anyway. I’m still going somewhere, aren’t I? Maybe they secretly feel I’m not going to go anywhere though, and that’s why there worried. I don’t know. What I do know is that Booth does have goals and plans. He’ll be in the Business program in college by February, yes, he has to take some extra courses in high school but after that he can get into any program he wants. That won’t even take a month to do, since they will be correspondence courses. I’m taking Dental Reception and Admin in September. I’ve got my tuition paid and student card picture taken, I just need to get my schedule and books and perhaps a tour of the college and I’m good to go.
So why is he still going no where? I know complete assholes who have University degrees. Booth isn’t a complete asshole. Sure, he said some hurtful things that one night but get over it already - so did everyone else. He’s sorry about that and I don’t know how many times I have to repeat that. But I’m done repeating it, and I’m done trying to defend myself, Booth, and our relationship. The bottom line is that I love him, and he’s going to be a part of my life for a very long time - so get used to him. It makes me unhappy to have everyone “disliking him” and thinking he’s “no good” for me. No good for me would be someone who physically and emotionally abuses me and treats me like shit - but Booth doesn’t and never will. He treats me so amazingly that I smile each day. He makes me feel beautiful, and I’ve never really felt beautiful. I’ve always felt like a freak. I’ve never felt confident and beautiful enough to wear shorts in public, but now I don’t care because he says I’m beautiful and I believe him.
Complete strangers see how good we are for each other, why can’t my loved ones? Ya, we’ve got a long way to go…we both need to get our educations and stable jobs. But that doesn’t happen over night.
Speaking of stable jobs, I called that gas station today. The manager who interviewed me isn’t in until tomorrow, so I don’t know if I got that job. I called West 49 too, and they already have “enough people”, but I can feel free to submit a resume in the future. That sucks so much…I really wanted that job. So today I spent half the day on job bank sending resumes to potential employers. Hopefully somebody calls me back.
Sigh. I feel a lot less bleh now that I’ve blogged about these things. Now I can unwind and catch up on my blogosphere readings, including new blogs I love discovering new bloggers…it’s always so refreshing and cool.
Edit/P.S. I’ve decided to use my Google Reader again. I have so many blogs that I read that its impossible to read all in one week with this dial up connection. Now I’ll be able to read everything! Don’t know why I stopped using my Google Reader in the first place (probably laziness) <3
Posted by Sarcastica @
9:19 pm |
It’s been a while
Every time I go to post lately, I get distracted. Usually it’s by shiny objects, and once or twice an alien ship flew by the window and I just had to go and investigate. But I’ve been desperate to post so I’ve closed the blinds and hidden away in the family room. No aliens will find me today, and the sun can’t hit shiny objects so hopefully I will not be distracted.
I learned a few days ago who they hired to be the summer students at the recreational group. Am I surprised they screwed me over? Not really. I’m hurt through. After receiving the email that claimed due to policies and procedures they could not hire me this summer as I had not been in school for the past 4 months, I felt something was fishy. Firstly, you have to read the policies and procedures when you get hired. I never once read any such policy or procedure. The only policy and procedure they had on college/university students was that they must attend school in the fall, which I will be doing. Nothing about attending or not attending school beforehand. In fact, one employee last year had taken a year off. She was given a job because she was attending school in the fall.
One policy and procedure I did read about was how they didn’t hire people who were dating due to work drama. Guess what they did this summer? Hired two students who have been dating for about a year or 2. All of the members and volunteers alike know that they are dating. I wasn’t allowed to be in the same group as NSN during one of the day trips “because we were dating and it was ethically incorrect”, yet they are allowed to work together? How does this work?
Mom says not to let it get to me…considering I didn’t really want the job in the first place. But truthfully, I did want the job. I love the members, I love the work. Sure, I hated the board and the stupid expectations they had about everything remaining the same…but whatever. I only pretended to not want the job because I had a feeling that they would screw me over in the end, just like the old program director - and my friend - warned me that they would. He knew for some time they were planning on not hiring me…which is why he advised me to look elsewhere. But stupid me was convinced that they would give me a job, since I had some sort of seniority over the other people who may apply because I worked there last summer. I didn’t really expect them to go out of their way to find reasons why not to hire me.
Am I jealous? Yes. Extremely jealous. I have never been treated the same way that those two people they hired (who are dating) have been treated. Ever. I wasn’t allowed to be on the same bus as NSN (not that I mind now), meanwhile they were allowed to be on the same bus and they’re allowed to work together. How is this fair? Plus everybody talks about how amazing they both are, and sure…they’re cool people, but they aren’t holy grails. In fact I don’t like how she treats other females - especially me. And I don’t think that being arrogant should mean you’re smart.
I don’t know. I guess I’m just feeling betrayed now. And since Fuzz told me that they were all talking about how I think it’s a conspiracy, I’m even more mad. I don’t think its a conspiracy at all, I know that the board members thought I was lazy because of that weekend I couldn’t leave my tent due to the rain and dampness. I know that the board members thought I couldn’t “handle direction” because of the joking nature that the old program director and I had. There is no conspiracy there, just one petty person deciding to make me look bad because I was friends with someone she didn’t like.
Not to mention, I haven’t received any emails from anybody. If I was a summer students, emails would be going out on a daily basis in a friendly way to everyone, just like last year. And they wonder why they don’t have any volunteers.
Posted by Sarcastica @
1:02 pm |
Math. It’s not just for breakfast anymore.
Lately the only somewhat creative titles I can come up with are song lyrics. Oh well, it bets accidentally repeating an already used title, right?
I’ve been thinking about the future again, and my stomach is twisted in nervous knots. Don’t worry, I’m not going to back out of this program - I do really want it! But I’m nervous as hell because I have to take Accounting! Readers who have been around for like ever remember my high school days of fighting to get by in Math. Math has never been my strong suit. I probably wouldn’t be so insecure in Math if my stupid high school teachers didn’t act as if I was completely number stunned. But they did, and they kept saying to me “choose a career that doesn’t need Math”.
I won’t lie, I was a very difficult student to help in Math. I didn’t need help in any of my other subjects, so I was extremely bitchy and difficult to the teachers who tried to help me. I hate not getting something, and I really didn’t (and still don’t) get Math.
Whenever I am told to answer a Math problem, even if it’s the simplest question in the world, my mind freezes and I have mini mental freakouts. I can’t get past that to focus on the question and solution, and I’m convinced my mind has blocked out all the solutions anyway. Does that make sense to anybody? Because it doesn’t to me. I’ve never known anybody to have panic attacks when faced with a math problem. I guess I really am one of a kind (said sarcastically, of course).
So needless to say, I’m very nervous about school now since looking at the classes list. I still want to be a Dental Receptionist and Administrator, but I was really hoping to be on the honor role and top of the class (since that would REALLY prove a lot of people wrong about me). Gah. I guess I’ll just have to work my butt off and get a tutor very early on.
Posted by Sarcastica @
9:58 am |
Pogos and Facebook Lurking
I can’t believe how disgusting Pogos are. You know, those hotdogs wrapped in batter on a stick? Those things? They look so good in the picture on the box, yet despite following the direct instructions on how to cook them they still taste like disgusting butt. Even with an overwhelming amount of ketchup and mustard on it, I still couldn’t get past the nastiness of it to eat the second one. I gave it to my mom, cause she didn’t want me to waste it…you know, since children in third world countries don’t get food like that. I’m sure they’d be happy not to cause it’s gross!
So I’m feeling pretty on top of things. I cleaned up my room yesterday - well most of it anyway. I put away all of my clothes and got rid of the heaping pile of garbage. I still have to vacuum and reorganize my desk. But that I shall save for another day.
This morning I’m just taking it easy - at home of course - and reading blogs that I haven’t read in a while, lurking people on Facebook (because that’s always fun, don’t lie! You do it too) and ATTEMPTING to upload those pictures of Booth and I…but that might have to wait.
So anyways, when I was lurking people on Facebook, guess what I found out? NSN has a new girlfriend. I was completely shocked to find that I don’t care! See back in November I would have been devastated that he moved on, but in all fairness I technically moved on first. I dated that loser guy for a couple of weeks and I’ve been with Booth for nearly six months, and since being with Booth…I’ve never looked back. I see now how I should be treated, and it definitely wasn’t how NSN treated me. My definition of love has completely changed thanks to Booth, and its all for the better!
I can’t remember if I ever really blogged about what really was going on between NSN and I because I can remember not wanting the good people of blogland to hate him, and since I’m too lazy to go back in my achieves and find out…I’ll just retell it. I don’t care if you guys hate him now though, because I do! Anyways, I would give 100% in that stupid relationship, and NSN barely gave 50%. He took everything I did for him for granted and just expected more and more of me, which is why by the end I was so exhausted and fed up. At the time, I didn’t want to end the relationship because I figured it was only so bad because I moved away and we saw each other less. I didn’t realize or want to admit the fact that his stupidity was there throughout our entire relationship and he had grown tired of me way at the beginning. If I had a bad day, he got pissed at me for wanting to talk about what was going on or for getting upset over the millions of stupid things he did.
But with Booth, he gives 100% to our relationship, just like I do. He’s aware that not every day can be sunshine and butterflies, and he knows that everybody has their insecure days. He’s patient and kind with me, and he doesn’t expect anything that he wouldn’t give me first. He’s aware of the fact that you don’t have to go out every single night of the week, that sometimes sitting at home with a rented movie can be just as romantic as an “expensive dinner”. Since we’re both broke and can’t even consider affording expensive dinners, this is what we do often. Booth actually likes and enjoys my company. He considers me to be his best friend, and I consider him to be mine. You need to be friends as well as lovers, and thats something NSN never understood because he never even considered me a friend.
Truth be told, I’ve had several chance meetings with Booth before NSN and I broke up. He was at that fundraiser I helped run and we made eye contact and I thought he was hot (Booth remembers every detail about what I was wearing and how my hair looked etc haha). And then there was this one time at McPout’s house, when NSN, B2 and her then boyfriend were all hanging out with McPout and Nelly and my mom. Booth dropped by with another neighbour and I can remember feeling quite hot because he kept looking at me from the corner of his eye and smiling that cute shy smile he has. He said that he was checking me out because I was hot, and that he was looking at NSN on the couch and thinking “total loser” haha. I asked Booth why he didn’t run over and sweep me off my feet into his arms and kiss me then and there, and he said because he didn’t want to be a home wrecker and knew that NSN and I wouldn’t last very long.
And we didn’t, and I’m glad because I would never have realized just how perfect Booth is for me. Sure, he might not have a college education at this point and he may not have the best job in the world…but he’s happy with what he does, and I’m happy that he’s found something he enjoys doing. Heck, I know he’s going to go to college next September for Business, he’s so excited about it and he can’t wait. The only reason why he didn’t sign up for this year is because they started the tattoo business and he wants to help Dragon get that off the ground before he goes to school. Makes sense to me, and he’s making money - contrary to what everyone else thinks.
And the most important thing is that he’s making me happy. I’ve never dated a guy who was so intuned to what I want and need. I have never dated a guy who actually cares enough to make me happy every single day. Booth buys me random presents, he’s bought me an adorable sundress, a ring, a purse, and countless rings for my multiple piercings. I don’t care if he “looks like a grenade went off in his face” due to all his piercings, because he’s a good guy. He really is. I didn’t know what a good guy was until I met him because the only one I knew was my dad and I thought that good guys were a dead breed. I’ve always been told to never judge a book by it’s cover, and I don’t. Sure, I have opinions about people, but that’s after I get to know them. Opinions are fine if you have taken the time to get to know someone, but making prejudgments aren’t fine.
Remember this? I still stand by what it says.
P.S. I’m amused at the turn of events this post has taken.
P.S.S. I love Booth and I’m happy. And I wish everyone else would see that, piercings and tattoos aside people, he’s amazing to me.
Posted by Sarcastica @
10:17 am |
Yesterday’s Feelings
Excuse me if I don’t really appear to know about what I’m going to talk about for the majority of this post…because I probably don’t. I honestly can tell you know I never follow politics or read the news paper. Politics bore me - it’s all a show anyway, and newspapers depress me. It seems like every single day there is horrible stuff being reported, things like parents killing their own children and people going crazy and shooting up schools. It makes me sick so that is why I avoid newspapers. Sure, I bet there are some nice stories in there…somewhere. I just don’t have the patience or time to swift through the bad stuff to get to the good stuff…comprenday? (P.S. Is that even how you spell comprenday? I know that’s not even a word so spell check fails to give me the correct answer).
ANYWAYS, today I would like to talk about the economy. Does anybody else feel like it’s suffering? GM plants around here are closing down like crazy, people are loosing jobs and finding jobs keeps getting harder and harder with each passing year. Screw fancy degrees and all that jazz, nobody seems to be having much luck in the job department. Why am I babbling on and on about this? Well, I’m concerned and worried about the track our economy is on. It’s only going to get worse, so what will it be like next year? Will I even be able to put my new college degree to use next year at this time? Or are we seriously teethering on the bridge of another depression?
I think so. I think we are very close to another depression. There are a million things to blame for this, or at least in my opinion. GM plants are shutting down like crazy because the gas prices are so high that nobody can afford all those fancy cars made in Canada, GM cars are generally pigs with gas…and with prices so high who wants to buy cars that just suck back dollar signs like Lindsay Lohan does narcotics? Then all those GM guys who had jobs suddenly don’t have jobs, and the pizza they ordered for their families of 2.5 kids every single Friday suddenly don’t get ordered…so the pizza companies start to suffer. Plus there are all these unemployed people looking for employment, and not enough jobs to go around.
…at least not from what I can see. And it’s really all the gas companies fault in the end, because I bet that we aren’t short on oil supplies. It’s just the government being pigs for money. I hope they realize that by leeching the greater public out of all this money for gas, they’re just screwing themselves over in the end and we’ll have another depression, only worse because all these kids are so used to everything being handed to them that when they suddenly have nothing they’ll probably all go crazy.
If we do have another depression, I really don’t think education is going to mean squat. Do you? I’m not saying I’m not going to go to school in September because I totally am, I’m just bitching and moaning because that’s what I do best. Plus it’s an interesting thing to think about…where we are going to be in a couple years from now.
Plus the year 2012 is coming up super fast. Remember how everybody freaked out over Y2K? Can you just imagine what New Years 2011 is going to be like? Holy crap. Especially with movies like I Am Legend fueling people’s imaginations and fears…
I really think I should get to work on my underground home…like in Blast From The Past. Now they had the right idea…having a bomb shelter underground stalked full of food for a decade or so.
Um ya…so I suppose we can end the really random rant I just had for no apparent reason. Besides, my pasta is ready. Hmm…pasta. If I could, all I would eat would be pasta and McDonalds. Mostly pasta though.
OH P.S!
I totally got hate mail today for the first time ever! I don’t even care if it was from Sarah in an attempt to make me feel better about myself…thanks Sarah! This anonymous sender even used a fake email! How awesome! Here’s the lovely hate email I got from some unknown person who really is a known person named Sarah…
board readerz <stupid@yahoo.com> wrote:
“sarcastica”? really, that’s a stoopid name if i ever heerd one.
dude quit being so sarcastica and get on with your life.
jez man.
(tee hee. Hope you know who sent you some awesome hate mail?)
Ya I know. I’m lame because I actually was jealous that Sarah got hate mail and I didn’t…hehe. But only because you KNOW you made it big when you get hate mail…and I’ve never gotten hate mail before.
Posted by Sarcastica @
5:54 pm |
