I promise I’m not ignoring anybody! For some stupid reason, the house computer I normally use (aka the “girls” computer”) is not working! And since my mom is normally on her computer, updating my blog and reading my favourites is like near impossible to do with the alloted time I get these days. For now, all I have time for is a quite update but I am bringing my laptop to Bam’s tomorrow and I shall catch up on my reading and commenting then [hopefully].
HOLY CRAP I JUST HAD THE WEIRDEST THING HAPPEN TO ME! I’m sitting here in the family room updating my lovely blog and I hear a knock on the door leading out to the back porch. I glance over and I see a black and white cat with it’s face pressed against the glass just looking at me. I thought it might be Misty, our black and white cat, but then I was all like WTF Misty doesn’t go outside - she’s too crazy and scared to even think about going outside. So I turn on the light to see, and it’s totally not Misty but some random black and white cat just staring at me. I opened the door and the cat ran away, but damn that was weird! Generally the barn cats avoid our house like the plague, but there one was with it’s face pressed right up against the door - staring at me! Weird.
Anyways, that irrelevant rant aside…I have good news. I GOT A JOB! Nope, it wasn’t that telemarketing place…or the pizza place. Both those places found other people. Starting tomorrow, I will be doing housekeeping at a hotel! Glamorous huh? I’m sure I’ll get to clean up lots of nasty things - like dirty bathrooms and the tasty remains of an evening’s fornication. But it’s a weekend job, and money at that. I can’t be too picky these days, since I’ve had what like 5 job rejections in the past 2 months? Yah. I’ll take what I can get at this point. Those credit card bills aren’t going to pay themselves - unfortunately. Pff if you guys thought I’d have funny tales working at a pizza shop, I’m sure I can blow you all away with my hilarious hotel stories. Hopefully I won’t encounter anything too nasty!
My mom isn’t exactly thrilled with my new job position. She would rather I wait until I hear back from my dad’s contact at that other, more local call center. However, I can’t wait any longer. Plus who’s to say that I’ll even get that job. The housekeeping supervisor wasn’t pleased with my class schedule - my classes go from 11am to 6pm most days. I only got the job because I assured her I would work every weekend and all holidays. A little sacrifice that had to be made in order for me to scrap myself out of debt. Sure, if this place has flexible hours (doubtful), pays more than the housekeeping job (probable) and is willing to work around my school schedule, I’ll be all over that job like a fat kid at Chucky Cheese. But at least I have a definite back up plan now.
I’m glad I got this job. I’ve been dying to work for the past few months now. I absolutely hate not having a job. Not only have I missed not having that source of income, but I miss having something to preoccupy my time and thoughts with. I was beginning to miss the group home - at least there I could go to work and get completely lost in the atmosphere and not think about any of my problems.
I don’t really have a lot of problems right now…I mean I’m pretty happy. Content at the very least. However, I do feel like I’m spending too much time with Bam - not that spending time with Bam is a bad thing, I just don’t want him getting sick of me. All of my friends either work full time to save up dough for school or have already gone away to school so Bam’s like the only person I can hang out with. We got into a huge blow up today, over stupid miscommunication and what not. I still feel like I was just in my anger.
You see, Bam and I had plans to hang out today…or at least I thought we did. He said he was going to accompany me to my job interview at the hotel, and then we would possibly go see a movie. But I guess last night he was talking to his friend Bearded1 and they decided to hang out today since Bearded1 might be going back to his mom’s soon. Honestly, I have absolutely no problem at all with Bam hanging out with his friends - I encourage it. If my friends were available more often, I’d be hanging out with them more myself. However, I didn’t know about this change of plans as he failed to tell me last night on the phone, or this morning on the phone, or this morning when I got to his house. So obviously I was a little ticked off about it. I mean, I could have gone shopping with my Granny today…since she wanted to go shopping. But Bam got all mad at me, thinking I was just pissed he wanted to spend time with his friend. He thinks I have a hate on for Bearded1, when I really don’t. I know a while ago I blogged about drama with him and how I disliked him - and I believe I have good reason to. I mean the guy hates me for no apparent reason. He told me I was a fun sucker who sucked all the fun out of Bam, then he said that I’m like that crazy girl Bam dated. Plus a couple weeks ago at a neighbors BBQ he yelled at me because I walked through his house. Bam’s mom told me to go on in because Bam and him where there, and since they were the only people my age at the BBQ I thought I’d go in and chill with them, plus I needed to get my keys off of Bam to call my mom and let her know where I was. He said something like “God can’t he go anywhere without you having to be there?” and yelled at me because he “hates it when people walk through his house”, yet I’ve seen everyone else walk in there to use the washroom and the pool table whenever we’re all hanging out. But I guess I’m not part of the hanging out part, and I’m just there to give Bam rides? That’s what it feels like, since I wasn’t given the same treatment as everyone else. So ya, I dislike Bearded1, but more than anything I’m hurt with how much he dislikes me and how rude he is to me all the time. The only time he’s nice to me is if he wants a favor from me.
Anyways, so Bam was mad at me because he thought I was mad because I “hate” Bearded1. This promoted a very huge argument because I was hurt about a few things that he said, and the fact that he basically said “Oh hey, by the way I want to hang out with Bearded1 today so go home k? Thanks.” Like I get that he needs guy time, I really do - I need girl time too, that’s why I’ve been bitchy - but again, I could have gone shopping today.
Today’s argument made me rethink the amount of time I spend with Bam. I’m not saying spending so much time with him is a bad thing because I love it, and he says he does too, but I think it would be healthier for both if I stopped seeing him every day. I really don’t want him getting sick and tired of me. This is why I’m thankful that I have a job now, and school is around the corner. At least I’ll have these things to preoccupy my mind from missing him - although I know I won’t stop missing him.
Am I being stupid though? Or overreacting? I mean we’ve spent practically every day together since we started dating. I could honestly continue on with seeing him every day, but I really do worry about him getting sick of me. I’m pretty easy to get sick of.
Sigh. It’s almost 10 though and I need to go to bed soon. I start work at 9am, bleh.
Interesting title eh? Well it has an interesting story behind it too. Well sort of, it was interesting to my slightly intoxicated ears anyway. Perhaps it won’t be as interesting to everyone else as it was to me, but I get joy out of writing pointless, not-silly stories in my blog so here goes another one:
It started last night, at Birdman’s party. For some reason unbeknown to me, we were talking about the grotesque website Rotten.com. Now if you have never heard of this website before and decide to visit it, do not send me hate me talking about how horrible I am for “advertising” it, since I’m not asking you to go to it and clearly from the URL, it’s not going to be a website full of rainbow ponies and butterflies.
Anyways, that aside, we were talking about the meat grinder picture (it’s gross don’t go) and someone brought up the subject of wood chippers and how they’d seen pictures of people who had fallen into them, and their remains. I was all; “OMG, how does that even happen? I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t fall into a wood chipper on purpose.” One of my friends proceeded to tell me that wood chippers move at lighten speed, and when you’re putting tree trunks in there with branches, sometimes those branches can get caught on your clothes. “Well I’d jump back and rip my shirt off,” was my witty response.
Everyone in the group (14 or so people) started laughing and they all came to the conclusion that if a wood chipper and I ever got into a battle, the wood chipper would win because “there’s nothing to me”. Apparently, a wood chipper is my worst enemy. So I must never become a person who uses a wood chipper. The end.
Ok then…random story of the wood chipper aside, my weekend has - so far - been pretty cool, with a few exceptions of course. B1 moved out today, and this morning I got a call to come check out her new apartment with the fam.
I brought Booth with me, and he was nervous to go. He truly believes that my entire family hates him, and that if he attends any family functions, he will be ignored or frown down upon for his “dirty mouth”. He came though, because he knows how much I just want everyone to get along. He knows how hard it is for me to be caught up in the middle of everything. I constantly have to remind people that Booth is the person I have chosen to be with, whether we last forever (which we will) or if we break up in a year from now (which definitely won’t happen). I guess all I can do at this point is keep reminding and stand my ground though.
I started taking down the boarder in B1’s old bedroom. Heh, I know…it’s only been like 10 hours since she’s moved out but in all fairness we’ve got a lot of home renovating projects to do and it’s best to do them all now while I have the free time - thanks to my unemployment.
Well today was a really weird day. It started out normal enough; me freaking out because of the college credit card issue (the college website keeps declining my credit card whenever I try to pay for my parking permit). After trying a million times, I gave them a call and explained my situation. They said to come on down and pay for it there, so Booth and I headed out to the big old college town to do just that…
But not before stopping for lunch of course, at my new favourite place to eat; Quiznos. Ever been? Holy crap their subs are freaking amazing! I am currently in love with the turkey swiss melt with a side of their soup. Mmm. Tasty! ANYway, there was this lady in her fifties there eating her lunch. She had been joking around with the staff when Booth and I walked in from her table. She stared at us while we ordered, then I started walking towards the cash and she declared rather loudly; “You could be a model!”
It was a random statement that threw me off guard. I mean strangers never say anything to me usually, unless I’ve done something to piss them off. So like the graceful person idiot I am I said “Huh?”
“You could be a model, you’re gorgeous!” was this [crazy?] lady’s reply. “Don’t be embarrassed about it! Hey, you’re boyfriends pretty damn good looking too!”
And with that she went back to her sub, and Booth and I went back to paying for our meal and getting our own table - sort of out of view of the lady. It was a nice compliments, but they always throw me off. Plus I’m a really self conscious eater, and I totally had it in my head that she would watch me eat or something.
When we sat down at our table, Booth looked at me and smiled and said “How’s my model girlfriend?” My lovely, witty response was “Broke”…you know, since models are rich?
That wasn’t my only strange encounter with a stranger. On the way home from Booth’s after a stressful day of dealing with things way beyond my maturity level (aka my sister), I stopped at McDonald’s for a cheese burger - just because I really wanted one. The drive thru was closed because the truck was there unloading all the deliciously greasy things McDonald’s sells, so I went inside. While I was waiting in the line to be served, this girl in front of me turned around and looked me up and down.
“I really like that shirt!” she said, and then immediately started talking to her friend about how awesome it was (it’s really just a British shirt of Booth’s with a wacky design on it). I was literally just wearing that huge black shirt and a pair of black leggings. Then she proceeded to talk about how gorgeous I was.
“She’s really really pretty, isn’t she?” and she kept on going. It was slightly awkward for me, because this like honestly never ever happens to me. Twice in one day is like, beyond shocking…cause it never ever happens.
Does any one else here have issues accepting compliments? I mean I don’t know what to say. I mumble thank you and blush a lot, cause saying anything else is supposed to be rude…right?
Maybe I’ll sign up for modeling - haha jokes.
And as for Dragon, she’s doing better. She can’t over exert herself and is still waiting for an appointment with the doctor in T.O. Other than that, she just has to take it easy and gain some more weight. Thanks everyone for the get well wishes, they were greatly appreciated by her and when I told her all about my blog readers wishes for her to get better, her face lit up.
It’s funny how in this blogging community, there is less judgment than in the real world by family members. But at least there is still this blogging community - the only thing really keeping me sane!
Ok so be prepared for one of those totally gushy intros, in which I blab on and on about how lucky I am. Deal with it…I’m happy, so you all get to listen to me ramble about why I’m happy.
As I previously mentioned, today was Booth’s birthday. I came over bright and early with breakfast in bed (which was half a tea and half a bagel since I don’t have two dimes to rub together). I gave him the card and present that I got him - and his face lit up for both. The shoes were pretty sweet if I do say so myself, and his eyebrow lifted at the card I got him. I figured out why at dinner…apparently the singing card I got that sings “Lady Marmalade” means “will you have sex with me tonight?” in French. Yes people, I had no idea what that very popular song meant until Dragon, my mother and Booth’s mother told me what it meant. How mortifying. If I had known what that meant, I wouldn’t have excitedly shown Booth’s mother and my mother at dinner. Anyways, after I gave him his gift…his mother came over and took the two of us out for lunch. It was really good - I got the Balsamic Chicken Penne and Booth got the Chicken Penne meal. Booth’s mom got a salad and we ordered a fruity cocktail (which I loved) for me and beer for Booth.
After lunch, I actually went and had a nap because I really haven’t been feeling so hot lately. My back and bones have just been killing me and my lovely lady cramps don’t help the matter. Around 7 or 8 my mom came over for some dinner and cake and we were joined by Booth’s mom as well. That was fun. It was good seeing my mom out of the house socially. Even though she doesn’t really know Dragon and Booth’s mom, I just thought she should be out of the house and hanging out. We just basically talked about how I really need to work on my French, Booth and how awesome he is, the party on the weekend, and Dragon’s worries about her still broken and painful fingers. Mom had to leave early, but I’m hoping she’ll want to hang out with Dragon and Booth’s mom again.
After everyone left, Dragon, Booth and I were chilling in the garage talking about my future endeavours. Now I know this is going to come as a shock to some people (total sarcasm there by the way folks) but I’m not too sure I want to do Child and Youth Work. Like I would really love to be a Child and Youth Worker, but I honestly don’t know if I can handle it. I don’t think I could be the kind of person who is able to get attached without getting attached and leave work dramas at work. I would totally be the type of person who brings it home and thinks about it and what I could have done. So on Sunday I applied for the General Business Admin program at the same college I was planning on attending. Business is one of those programs that you can definitely branch off into and that there is endless of possibilities for. I can branch off in to focusing more on writing or whatever I want to do really. I’ve always thought it would be cool to have my own business, or at least have extended knowledge in business.
I can just picture all of my readers slapping their foreheads and exclaiming in strained voices “Holy crap Sarcastica! Pick something already!”. Yes I know, I’ve changed my mind a lot. I still want to do all of my ideas, but here’s the list broken down for ya:
So you can see why I would be considering doing a totally completely different program, one that I hadn’t really given much consideration over in the past. I really think taking a Business course would be a smart move. I think I would like it a lot. It may not be what I had in mind, but it could be better. It would be more easier on my bones.
Now all I have to do is call the college and see if I even qualify for that program. If not…well I really don’t know what I’m going to do. Probably take the courses required to get in, because 3 years in school is a lot of money to throw away.
I think the school boards made a bad decision when they took away grade 13. Somebody slap me already, holy frig.
Anyways, I’m super excited now and full of non-stop chatter because I stole the Internet hookup in Booth’s room and brought my laptop over, so now I can go online and actually give this blog a somewhat decent post because I don’t feel bad for “hogging” the computer 
Tomorrow is going to be a busy day. I’m staying over at Dragon’s because tomorrow she has an appointment at the fracture clinic about her wrist, and Booth has to drive her so I have to watch the boys - which I have no problem doing. I plan on cleaning up a bit for Dragon (and Booth’s bedroom is SUPER messy - that’s where I have to stay when I come over. He gets the couch) and work on my story ideas. Dragon and I were talking tonight about how she also loves writing. Hopefully she thinks I’m good…that’s one of my biggest insecurities and why I don’t let people read my work. I’m terrified they’ll start laughing and be all like “OMG Sarcastica you SUCK!”
And this evening’s treat; the random-ass sappy story of the day: Before going downstairs for one finial smoke, Booth came over to me and kissed me, paused after a moment and looked down at my shirt collar. I was confused and looked down and guess what was there? The claddagh ring he bought me like 3 weeks ago that I lost after only having it for three days!! I missed it so much, even after only wearing it for a solid two days. He found it when cleaning his room - it was at the bottom of the garbage bag from when I had been cleaning his room. It was so movie-like and sweet. I totally feel like a sap ass!
Guess what guyyyyyz! I dyed my hair for like the first time ever! I got Kiwi to do it last night, and I love it! Here’s a picture of my hair before (chocolate brown) and here it is now: PURPLE! Isn’t it awesome? I love it! It compliments both my skin tone and my eye colour! And it’s funky, so ya. I know my webcam sucks and you can’t really see it as it actually is, but I assure you it’s awesome! It’s not like bright purple, more like dark purple with red. Anyways, I love it and its awesome! Kiwi accidentally dyed a bit of my neck as well…but we scrubbed it off with nail polish remover (and yes, that actually works! So does toothpaste).
Girls night was awesome! It was really good hanging out with my girlfriends again. Kiwi has always been a good and close friend of mine who I can confide in AND have a blast with, same with Grillz - so obviously the night was just FULL of hilarious moments. It was Kiwi’s older sister’s birthday, and the theme was penises (as a joke) and they even had penis plates - which were HILARIOUS! We danced around like idiots and giggled the entire night away. It was awesome! I want to definitely try and get together more often with them.
Unfortunately, hanging out with my girlfriends lead up to my newest purchase: an adorable outfit. I’ll try to describe it best I can because I can’t take a decent full length picture of my on my cellphone or webcam. I’ll borrow Booth’s camera to take it on Sunday though, then I’ll show it off. Anyways, I bought this adorable hot pink sleeveless sweater dress and a black little coat that looks sort of business like but not really it’s more funky retro. Anywho, I love it…it’s awesome. I’ll take a picture of that and my black sundress Booth bought me real soon.
Speaking of Booth, he bought me another present! It’s a little black hoop earring for my cartilage and its adorable! I’m sort of stunned actually…I’ve never dated a guy who buys me random presents. I’ve never dated a guy who spent any money on me at all really (excluding Christmas and birthdays), so it’s shocking…in a good way. I know that if he had more money, he’d buy me more things…even if I told him I didn’t want him to buy me anything. He likes surprising me I guess. Anyway, trying to put this sucker in hurt like a biotch and Booth felt really bad…he tried for like an hour straight to put it in.
But ya, so my day was going grand until about 2 minutes ago. Apparently, I’m a bitch because I want to go like 10 minutes without somebody bugging me to do something. I don’t know everything about computers, contrary to popular belief. Just because I spend a lot of my time on them, doesn’t mean I know anything. I’m tired, I’m cranky. I just wanted to update my blog and go to bed early for a change, since tomorrow I have a big day of helping Booth and Dragon clean up the new tattoo shop (that they got the keys for today).
Blah. That’s all I have to say. Right now I’m too tired to care. I’m off to bed.
The bridal shower was spectacular; Shannon got a lot of cool stuff for her house. The conversation was never ending; and always expanding to include everybody within hearing distance, so that was pretty cool. The after party was pretty hilarious too; Kate, Shannon and I danced to Rihanna’s Umbrella song and used pool cues as props. It was pretty hilarious. Then we had mom dancing to Beyonce’s Check On It, she was dippin’ it poppin’ it twirkin’ it and stoppin’ it!
I also had my granny doing the Crank That Soulja Boy dance while we were setting up for the bridal shower. It was quite awesome, if I do say so myself…just as cool as the time Papa was dancing to Rob Zombie with Shannon and I at Christmas!
I also attempted to dance with Nelly, but unless he’s doing Ninja rolls that guy has two left feet! Heh. Shannon’s going to have a blast at her wedding 
I was so cranky last night too, it was hilarious. I was tired, sick, drugged up on cold medicine, and a little tipsy thanks to Charming and his shots (he convinced me that if I did a lot of shots then my cold would be gone when I woke up this morning…if anything it’s 10x worse!). Oh well. I’ve always wondered what it would be like to have an older brother, guess I know now: it’s just as annoying as having older (and younger) sisters.
I wish I had some of the pictures from last night! They were hilarious! Shannon’s neighbor got a bunch of really funny ones of us singing “Before He Cheats” by Carrie Underwood, and she also got some good ones of Booth and I holding Nelly’s adorable baby nephew, and some of just me and the baby. Too bad she doesn’t have Facebook! Charming kept calling me the Facebook queen; but it seriously doesn’t beat his old nickname of Charming!
3 more weeks until Shannon’s wedding. All this wedding stuff has me thinking about my future and if I want to get married. I have never been very religious, I am definitely spiritual…but I don’t believe in going to a church to get married when I’ve never gone to church and I don’t exactly believe in what they preach (well, a lot of what they preach anyway). But it does look like fun! I haven’t decided…but if I did my wedding would be totally gothic and amazingly cool. My dress would have a corset and be either black or red, since I definitely wouldn’t want traditional. Maybe I’ll married in some castle in Ireland or something, that’d be cool. Or England! Haha! Who knows.
Anyways, I’m excited for Shannon’s bachelorette party next month! Just two weeks away, and I’m already planning a couple surprises for her (which I won’t mention since she has a habit of reading sometimes heh). I definitely want to record it though! So I’ll start looking for the camcorder I bought mom for her birthday one year. It’d be hilarious to have a hidden camera somewhere! Catching people doing hilarious things!
I’m still super sick. I caught Booth’s cold, only mine is 4 times worse. I hate colds. I know the best thing for it is sleep, but I can’t breath out of my nose so sleeping is made VERY difficult. I don’t know what it is, but I have to breathe through my nose in order to get a good night’s sleep.
Sorry that I disappeared for a couple days there, I assure you that I definitely was up to no good…like usual. I’ve had an amazing week and seriously can’t stop smiling about it!! First I found out that I won a Bloggie, and that was pretty cool. Then I went to Peterpops house and we had a really hilarious night of changing our cell phone voice mail messages to random things (mine is currently “That’ll do pig, that’ll do” in a really pathetic attempt at a British accent…and I have to change it cause it makes no sense heh). The next day (which was Tuesday) Peterpops and I went down to Booth’s shop so she could get her Madonna pierced.
Doesn’t it look awesome? She did well. I thought she was going to pass out because she was so nervous about it, but she didn’t! She took it like a champ! I wish I could have caught it on video camera but alas I don’t have one so I couldn’t 
Randomly my cousin showed up on Tuesday! It was so strange, I hadn’t seen him for years! So Jo and I went back with him to his house to hang out. The first night it was just Jo, Mike, one of Mike’s friends and myself. Jo and I stole Mike’s camera while he and his friend were elsewhere and filmed each other dancing and then singing, it is so hilarious and once Mike puts them up on Youtube I’m totally going to post it! I wish I had a camera myself, because damn that was a funny night!
Wednesday we picked up Booth and hung out yet again. I wish someone would have thought to film us all playing Singstar - because that was hilarious! The longer the night went on the worse I sounded though and the night went on for a very long time.
Thursday was the St. Patrick’s Day themed dance at the recreational group, and Booth actually came with me! He is the first boyfriend to ever show an interest in the rec group (NSN wasn’t very interested in it and only went because I was there and that is where we met). He was amazing with the members too, he even danced! Fuzz still hasn’t danced yet and he’s been going to the rec group dances for over a year now! Booth did an awesome job as a DJ too.
If I had high speed, I would totally do an interview with Booth and post it. I want everybody to see just how amazing he is, and I really don’t have a doubt in my mind that he’s faking it. He always looks me in the eyes when he talks to me, even if it’s just asking me if I’m thirsty. I don’t know why I couldn’t see all the bad signs when I was with NSN - like how he avoided making eye contact with me all the time. Booth is just so different from everybody I know and have dated. He knows me so well and we haven’t been dating that long at all.I am trying really hard to keep my head above the water here, since the last thing my heart can take is another major let down. But I’ve had 4 bad relationships before Booth, so isn’t it time for something good?
I know that saying, if it seems to good to be true, then it probably is comes to mind for many people…like Peterpops. But I don’t know…there’s just something different about him. He does have his flaws - just like I do - but that’s what makes him appeal to me more. Who wants to be with someone who is way too perfect? Imperfections are perfect…if that makes sense.
And did I mention yet that he is my Edward? Yep. Totally same reactions that Bella has with Edward in the Twilight series by Stephenie Meyer. And his middle name is actually Edward, heh.
Anyways, I really should get back to cleaning the house. My dad is having people over tonight, so he wants it spotless. I hate cleaning…gah. I’m totally not the domestic type, I’d rather order pizza then cook anything…heh. I’m supposed to go to one of the member’s houses for a dinner party tonight, so that should be lots of fun. I’ve been looking forward to it for a while now.
Then tomorrow is my date night with Booth! We’re going to a Yuk Yuks fundraiser for the rec group…and guess what? He went last year, and remembers that I was there (wearing the same shirt I wore yesterday). I remember seeing him too; he was wearing a blazer, jeans and a t-shirt and I remember talking to one of the female volunteers about how he was hot. Heh.
So yes, the mop is calling…I wish I could hang up on it.
There is an empty bag of Tangy Tropical Skittles in front of me. I really wish it was full, then I could have Skittles for breakfast and there is nothing like Skittles for breakfast! But alas, it is empty I ate the 5 that were left last night when I got home. Now I regret that decision, although they tasted good last night too.
Anyways, random rant about Skittles aside…life is good. I’m still jobless and completely broke, but that will change in…May. Hopefully anyway. There is no drama with my friends (involving me anyway) and the new boyfriend is pretty cool. Since it’s only been like 2 days, I’m not going to do a post dedicated to him. But I’ll tell ya all this now: he’s pretty wicked!
I’m actually pleased to say that I learned a lot from my [failed] relationship with NSN. I know what to do, what not to do, what to put up with, and what to not put up with. I’m definitely now my own person, and it feels good. I won’t compromise my morals or beliefs anymore and the really wicked thing is that Booth totally doesn’t expect me too. He’s a lot more mature then any of the guys I’ve dated, and he actually knows what a relationship would take.
He explained it threw his tattoos actually. He has several heartagrams and when I asked the meaning behind them, he said that the heart represents love and the triangle, the strongest shape, represents two people working together to come together…and the circle represents unity. Pretty smart eh?
I’m going to be smart too and keep my head way above the water. I know things aren’t always perfect and if they seem that they are, then that’s just ignorance. I’m going to not compromise my friends to spend time with him, or what I love to do. I’m going camping this weekend with the recreational group, and tonight I’m supposed to go bowling with some old friends whom I haven’t seen in forever.
Fuzz is a little upset with me for dating Booth. I think anyway, since I had told him that I wasn’t going to date anybody. In all fairness, I said this before getting to know Booth. He accepts that I’m with someone else now, but he’s still disappointed. Unfortunately there isn’t anything I can do about that. I would like to take the pain and frustration that any of my friends or family feel and shove it in the trash, but that’s just not possible…especially when I’m causing that pain and frustration. So I stepped back, to let him do his own healing.
I am very, very sick of drama. I feel like ripping my hair out and crying until every single drop of moisture in my body is gone. I feel like digging a hole and never coming out to face the world. I wish that there was an off button, or a pause button, so I could just breathe for a moment and not let all of this take me under.
I have been working so hard to rebuild myself after the whole destroyed first love thing. I thought, with all things considered, that I was doing wonderfully. I’m no where near being fully healed yet, but after the amount of damage NSN caused me it’s no surprise. These things take time, lots of lots of time. I am nowhere near being ready to date somebody seriously again, I know for a fact I cannot commit myself to anybody right now - I have a hard enough time committing myself to me.
So what’s chipping away at the small ruins I’ve attempted to rebuild? Oh lots of things. The Fuzz thing, for example. He said last night that he would understand if I didn’t feel the same, but he really doesn’t. Today wasn’t as awkward as I feared it would be…more quiet then it normally is. We picked up Birdman, Cowman, and Neen and before heading off to the recreational group Valentine’s Day dance; we stopped at my tattoo place so I could get my lip pierced.
The dance was fun, obviously I was off dancing and didn’t have time to talk to Fuzz. The car ride home was alright, it was mostly Birdman and Cowman talking with everyone else laughing at their jokes. Once he dropped everyone off, he stopped talking to me. I felt completely awkward as I babbled on about pointless, stupid things trying to get him to talk to me.
When I got home, I texted him asking if he was mad. Ya I know, totally cowardly of me…but I didn’t know how to go about bringing it up. I didn’t want to embarrass him. I asked him once what was wrong, and he just said he was tired. He replied with “I’m mostly mad at myself for liking someone who clearly isn’t worth it.” Then he went on to rant about how in the car when Birdman was making fun of me for being so gullible, I said “well maybe I’m just trusting”, and how it bothered him because that was one of the things I told him I had issues with. He also brought up Boy 3 and how I was so hurt and annoyed when he couldn’t see how great I was and said that he could…
Basically, Fuzz is hurt and using anger as a way to cope with it. He has directed that anger at me and it is hurting me because he is one of my best friends, and I need his friendship. It hurts that he said he would understand if I didn’t feel the same, yet clearly he can’t. He doesn’t understand anything about my situation. I can trust; but not in that way; to that degree. I cannot trust myself or anybody else to be that close, as close as I was with NSN. I don’t like Boy 3, I like the idea of Boy 3. I know I’m nowhere near ready to even approach a serious relationship.
What bugs me is that Fuzz knows why I feel the way I do, and he should understand. Instead, I feel as if he’s given me a choice between being with him or not having him in my life at all.
I know guys, if that’s the case I shouldn’t give it another moments thought but it isn’t worth it. But it’s totally easier said then done. Fuzz has been one of my good friends for a long time, I can’t just stop a friendship.
This is why I hate Halmark holidays. That’s right, I’m going to blame all of my issues on the fact that they happened on Valentine’s day.
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