It’s been a while
Every time I go to post lately, I get distracted. Usually it’s by shiny objects, and once or twice an alien ship flew by the window and I just had to go and investigate. But I’ve been desperate to post so I’ve closed the blinds and hidden away in the family room. No aliens will find me today, and the sun can’t hit shiny objects so hopefully I will not be distracted.
I learned a few days ago who they hired to be the summer students at the recreational group. Am I surprised they screwed me over? Not really. I’m hurt through. After receiving the email that claimed due to policies and procedures they could not hire me this summer as I had not been in school for the past 4 months, I felt something was fishy. Firstly, you have to read the policies and procedures when you get hired. I never once read any such policy or procedure. The only policy and procedure they had on college/university students was that they must attend school in the fall, which I will be doing. Nothing about attending or not attending school beforehand. In fact, one employee last year had taken a year off. She was given a job because she was attending school in the fall.
One policy and procedure I did read about was how they didn’t hire people who were dating due to work drama. Guess what they did this summer? Hired two students who have been dating for about a year or 2. All of the members and volunteers alike know that they are dating. I wasn’t allowed to be in the same group as NSN during one of the day trips “because we were dating and it was ethically incorrect”, yet they are allowed to work together? How does this work?
Mom says not to let it get to me…considering I didn’t really want the job in the first place. But truthfully, I did want the job. I love the members, I love the work. Sure, I hated the board and the stupid expectations they had about everything remaining the same…but whatever. I only pretended to not want the job because I had a feeling that they would screw me over in the end, just like the old program director - and my friend - warned me that they would. He knew for some time they were planning on not hiring me…which is why he advised me to look elsewhere. But stupid me was convinced that they would give me a job, since I had some sort of seniority over the other people who may apply because I worked there last summer. I didn’t really expect them to go out of their way to find reasons why not to hire me.
Am I jealous? Yes. Extremely jealous. I have never been treated the same way that those two people they hired (who are dating) have been treated. Ever. I wasn’t allowed to be on the same bus as NSN (not that I mind now), meanwhile they were allowed to be on the same bus and they’re allowed to work together. How is this fair? Plus everybody talks about how amazing they both are, and sure…they’re cool people, but they aren’t holy grails. In fact I don’t like how she treats other females - especially me. And I don’t think that being arrogant should mean you’re smart.
I don’t know. I guess I’m just feeling betrayed now. And since Fuzz told me that they were all talking about how I think it’s a conspiracy, I’m even more mad. I don’t think its a conspiracy at all, I know that the board members thought I was lazy because of that weekend I couldn’t leave my tent due to the rain and dampness. I know that the board members thought I couldn’t “handle direction” because of the joking nature that the old program director and I had. There is no conspiracy there, just one petty person deciding to make me look bad because I was friends with someone she didn’t like.
Not to mention, I haven’t received any emails from anybody. If I was a summer students, emails would be going out on a daily basis in a friendly way to everyone, just like last year. And they wonder why they don’t have any volunteers.
Posted by Sarcastica @
1:02 pm |
Yesterday’s Feelings
Excuse me if I don’t really appear to know about what I’m going to talk about for the majority of this post…because I probably don’t. I honestly can tell you know I never follow politics or read the news paper. Politics bore me - it’s all a show anyway, and newspapers depress me. It seems like every single day there is horrible stuff being reported, things like parents killing their own children and people going crazy and shooting up schools. It makes me sick so that is why I avoid newspapers. Sure, I bet there are some nice stories in there…somewhere. I just don’t have the patience or time to swift through the bad stuff to get to the good stuff…comprenday? (P.S. Is that even how you spell comprenday? I know that’s not even a word so spell check fails to give me the correct answer).
ANYWAYS, today I would like to talk about the economy. Does anybody else feel like it’s suffering? GM plants around here are closing down like crazy, people are loosing jobs and finding jobs keeps getting harder and harder with each passing year. Screw fancy degrees and all that jazz, nobody seems to be having much luck in the job department. Why am I babbling on and on about this? Well, I’m concerned and worried about the track our economy is on. It’s only going to get worse, so what will it be like next year? Will I even be able to put my new college degree to use next year at this time? Or are we seriously teethering on the bridge of another depression?
I think so. I think we are very close to another depression. There are a million things to blame for this, or at least in my opinion. GM plants are shutting down like crazy because the gas prices are so high that nobody can afford all those fancy cars made in Canada, GM cars are generally pigs with gas…and with prices so high who wants to buy cars that just suck back dollar signs like Lindsay Lohan does narcotics? Then all those GM guys who had jobs suddenly don’t have jobs, and the pizza they ordered for their families of 2.5 kids every single Friday suddenly don’t get ordered…so the pizza companies start to suffer. Plus there are all these unemployed people looking for employment, and not enough jobs to go around.
…at least not from what I can see. And it’s really all the gas companies fault in the end, because I bet that we aren’t short on oil supplies. It’s just the government being pigs for money. I hope they realize that by leeching the greater public out of all this money for gas, they’re just screwing themselves over in the end and we’ll have another depression, only worse because all these kids are so used to everything being handed to them that when they suddenly have nothing they’ll probably all go crazy.
If we do have another depression, I really don’t think education is going to mean squat. Do you? I’m not saying I’m not going to go to school in September because I totally am, I’m just bitching and moaning because that’s what I do best. Plus it’s an interesting thing to think about…where we are going to be in a couple years from now.
Plus the year 2012 is coming up super fast. Remember how everybody freaked out over Y2K? Can you just imagine what New Years 2011 is going to be like? Holy crap. Especially with movies like I Am Legend fueling people’s imaginations and fears…
I really think I should get to work on my underground home…like in Blast From The Past. Now they had the right idea…having a bomb shelter underground stalked full of food for a decade or so.
Um ya…so I suppose we can end the really random rant I just had for no apparent reason. Besides, my pasta is ready. Hmm…pasta. If I could, all I would eat would be pasta and McDonalds. Mostly pasta though.
OH P.S!
I totally got hate mail today for the first time ever! I don’t even care if it was from Sarah in an attempt to make me feel better about myself…thanks Sarah! This anonymous sender even used a fake email! How awesome! Here’s the lovely hate email I got from some unknown person who really is a known person named Sarah…
board readerz <stupid@yahoo.com> wrote:
“sarcastica”? really, that’s a stoopid name if i ever heerd one.
dude quit being so sarcastica and get on with your life.
jez man.
(tee hee. Hope you know who sent you some awesome hate mail?)
Ya I know. I’m lame because I actually was jealous that Sarah got hate mail and I didn’t…hehe. But only because you KNOW you made it big when you get hate mail…and I’ve never gotten hate mail before.
Posted by Sarcastica @
5:54 pm |
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7:59 am | Enter your password to view comments
In a fighting mood
I had a crappy sleep, and it’s pretty obvious that this morning I’m in a terrible mood. I have one person to thank for that: the boyfriend. His phone died last night, so he told me (from Dragon’s phone) that he would call me when he got in around midnight and plugged in his phone. So stupid me waited up til midnight, seeing no point in going to sleep if he was just going to call me and wake me up.
Did he call? Nope. Now it’s bright and effing early and I’m up and dressed because he mentioned there was a possibility his dad was coming down for lunch today, and he said he wanted me to go. I don’t know for sure though because he never called me back to confirm. I don’t know if he’s even at home or if he stayed at Dragon’s, because he didn’t call. So he effed up my sleeping pattern, and I’m waiting for my dad now and still have no idea if I should go. Because he didn’t call.
I’m also annoyed at him for missing B1’s birthday dinner. Of course, he had a good explanation for not being able to attend it - he was busy meeting possible landlords with Dragon because they want to move the tattoo/piercing shop out of the house and into a store. So the only time they could meet with the possible landlords was around the time I could have picked him up. I get that, I understand that. I still was (and am) disappointed. My stupid brain associates that with the fact that NSN always missed family functions towards the end of our relationship, because he had lost interest in me and no longer saw a point in going. He’d have to act for them and not only me. I know that NSN and Booth are completely different people, but the brain is weird like that…it relates new experiences to old experiences. It categories things. This was categories into a bad thing, because my other sister’s boyfriends never miss family dinners…even if they are completely random and last minute like this one was.
But ya, anyway today’s issue is that I don’t know what I’m doing because Booth didn’t have the mind to call me when he said he did, I don’t know if he forgot that we had possible plans that needed to be finalized, or if he forgot that every time he tells me he’ll call at a certain time, I wait up because he’s usually pretty good about it. So sleeping schedule is ruined, I’m in a bad mood and I don’t know what’s going on today. I’m thinking I’ll have to call Dragon’s house to see if he’s there…and I don’t want to cause I don’t want to wake up the kids. I think they normally get up pretty early but I don’t want to push something like that.
And I shouldn’t have to, because Booth should have called me when he said he would; especially when we had possible plans that needed to be discussed.
Anyways, I was hoping for an upbeat post today but I’m really not in the mood to fake a smile. In fact, I feel like slapping someone or something.
Posted by Sarcastica @
5:11 am |
Holy Shit Batman!
So my blog appears to be back online - thank gawd! I was getting extremely anxious, not being able to blog about my extremely boring exciting life and all the non happenings in it. No worries though, we’re back now. I only have time for a quick little update though, because then I’m off to hang out with JD. I probably won’t be home until late tonight because I finally started my drivers ed sessions!!
Which reminds me; my drivers ed instructor is a total monotone geek. He tries to make jokes, but they really aren’t funny. Whenever I zone out, he calls on me. Much to his surprise, I’ve been able to answer all of his questions correctly - because I can totally zone out and pay attention at the same time. Haha. I bet he was hoping to catch me in the wrong! Nope! All of the people in my sessions are either insanely young or really old. I actually am taking the course with one of my ex-bosses offspring (remember when I worked at Tim Hortons? The evil manager that was my reason for quitting? He had like 20 kids then because he doesn’t believe in birth control) so that’s fun.
Annnnnyways, so lots of stuff has [obviously] happened since my blog went missing in action for a while there. Shannon and Nelly tied the knot on Saturday! More about that later when I actually have time to go into great detail and post gorgeous pictures (I also want to get her permission first, since some people don’t like having their pictures posted on the Interwebs and she isn’t in the country to give it to me). Ok so really that’s the only big thing that’s happened recently. Mostly, I do what I did before; which is hang out with Booth or stay at home and go on Facebook. Woot! My life is so fulfilling.
I still have not yet heard back from the recreational group that I’m supposed to have a job at. I say supposed to, because I’m really not sure if I’m going to get it. Bossman is making it sound like there is a big chance I won’t get it, which is absolute bullcrap because I worked their the summer before AND I had a great end of the job review. People who worked the previous summer are supposed to automatically get the job; the review is just a formality. However, apparently it would be “wise” for me to look for a new job”. Well thanks for telling me this now, in the middle of April, when all the other decent summer jobs are filled!
I’m still hoping though…so heres to hoping. If I don’t get the job, then I will be boycotting the youth group for the entire summer. No week long camp, no camping weekends. Nothing. Because I will be furious. I’m sure that John will have no trouble at all getting his job back.
Anyways, more will be coming at you later…when I have more time. Now I’ve gotta jet! Know that I’ve missed you all though!
Posted by Sarcastica @
10:04 am |
Bleeding from the inside out
I am very, very sick of drama. I feel like ripping my hair out and crying until every single drop of moisture in my body is gone. I feel like digging a hole and never coming out to face the world. I wish that there was an off button, or a pause button, so I could just breathe for a moment and not let all of this take me under.
I have been working so hard to rebuild myself after the whole destroyed first love thing. I thought, with all things considered, that I was doing wonderfully. I’m no where near being fully healed yet, but after the amount of damage NSN caused me it’s no surprise. These things take time, lots of lots of time. I am nowhere near being ready to date somebody seriously again, I know for a fact I cannot commit myself to anybody right now - I have a hard enough time committing myself to me.
So what’s chipping away at the small ruins I’ve attempted to rebuild? Oh lots of things. The Fuzz thing, for example. He said last night that he would understand if I didn’t feel the same, but he really doesn’t. Today wasn’t as awkward as I feared it would be…more quiet then it normally is. We picked up Birdman, Cowman, and Neen and before heading off to the recreational group Valentine’s Day dance; we stopped at my tattoo place so I could get my lip pierced.
The dance was fun, obviously I was off dancing and didn’t have time to talk to Fuzz. The car ride home was alright, it was mostly Birdman and Cowman talking with everyone else laughing at their jokes. Once he dropped everyone off, he stopped talking to me. I felt completely awkward as I babbled on about pointless, stupid things trying to get him to talk to me.
When I got home, I texted him asking if he was mad. Ya I know, totally cowardly of me…but I didn’t know how to go about bringing it up. I didn’t want to embarrass him. I asked him once what was wrong, and he just said he was tired. He replied with “I’m mostly mad at myself for liking someone who clearly isn’t worth it.” Then he went on to rant about how in the car when Birdman was making fun of me for being so gullible, I said “well maybe I’m just trusting”, and how it bothered him because that was one of the things I told him I had issues with. He also brought up Boy 3 and how I was so hurt and annoyed when he couldn’t see how great I was and said that he could…
Basically, Fuzz is hurt and using anger as a way to cope with it. He has directed that anger at me and it is hurting me because he is one of my best friends, and I need his friendship. It hurts that he said he would understand if I didn’t feel the same, yet clearly he can’t. He doesn’t understand anything about my situation. I can trust; but not in that way; to that degree. I cannot trust myself or anybody else to be that close, as close as I was with NSN. I don’t like Boy 3, I like the idea of Boy 3. I know I’m nowhere near ready to even approach a serious relationship.
What bugs me is that Fuzz knows why I feel the way I do, and he should understand. Instead, I feel as if he’s given me a choice between being with him or not having him in my life at all.
I know guys, if that’s the case I shouldn’t give it another moments thought but it isn’t worth it. But it’s totally easier said then done. Fuzz has been one of my good friends for a long time, I can’t just stop a friendship.
This is why I hate Halmark holidays. That’s right, I’m going to blame all of my issues on the fact that they happened on Valentine’s day.
Posted by Sarcastica @
1:50 am |
Not a Princess; there is no Prince.
Last night I couldn’t fall asleep. Actually every night I have a lot of trouble falling asleep. I am plagued by the very drama I don’t want to deal with anymore. I just end up lying there thinking, which isn’t exactly terrible but I truly wish I had an off button so I could get some decent sleep.
Anyway, in order to talk about the conclusion I came up with, I have to explain how I have been as of late. *Gulp* I can actually hear the lectures. Oh well, might as well get on with it.
Since November, I have felt very numb. I know I might have mentioned it in passing, but never have I explained just how numb I’ve felt. I truly stopped caring about school, about work, and even about myself. I withdrew from my program, quit my job and moved back home because I just didn’t care.
I have also had a couple very insignificant flings. I felt so numb I barely cared what they did; hell Chisel was basically selling drugs and although I knew I just couldn’t bring myself to care. I was numb to everything. Nothing nobody did could hurt me anywhere near as badly as what NSN had done. It was as if someone had taken my heart; stomped ALL over it, released it and expected me to continue using it, as worthless as it is. I can’t even begin to describe what is going on between Reaper and I; and I don’t care enough to figure it out. In fact, I haven’t talked to him since Friday. I just don’t care.
JD says she wishes she could be numb like me; she wishes she could be in a relationship and not care about that person, like me. Well it’s not that I don’t care about them, but I just don’t…care. Does that make sense? I am sort of like the Beast of Beauty and the Beast when Belle leaves to go rescue her father and Gaston comes after him to kill him and he just doesn’t care or fight back.
In a fairy tale, I would be the slumbering Princess under an enchantment, just waiting for the Prince to return and kiss me and lift the spell. But this is reality, and I’m no Princess and the Prince, well let’s not go there.
So there is a slight window into my character for now. Don’t get my wrong, I still care about my family and friends…just not myself.
Now the conclusion that I grudgingly came to last night was that I am quite broken beyond repair, and the only person who can fix me won’t. NSN can only fix me because he broke me in the first place, so if he wasn’t a complete idiot then he would know how to fix it. But he is a complete idiot, and completely unwilling. He hasn’t spoken to me since early December. I sincerely don’t see him arriving by horseback to rescue me any time soon, so I have to deal with this numbness towards anybody else who wants to as important to me as he was. I don’t know how to fix or change it.
I know guys, my head knows NSN is a completely unworthy asshat who doesn’t deserve my exceptional thoughts, but my heart still misses and loves him. Now most of the time, I can forget about all this and block all my feelings and shut out everything.
JD says never before have a shut down when leaving a relationship. All the other times I was merely disappointed and slightly angry at the loss of a good friend, this time I just downright shut down. Like NSN had the key to my robot functioning.
Posted by Sarcastica @
11:15 am |
The People at Bell are Idiots.
Last night Fuzz and I went on a hunt for my cell phone at the motel. I couldn’t find it anywhere though, so we decided to go to a Bell Mobility store and see if I could get a temporary phone until I can [afford] a new one. Literally, the store was just closing when we got there. She was just locking the door. I had this stupid idea that perhaps if I knocked and smiled, she would let me in and help me out. This Bell employee just gave me a dirty up and down look and said “We’re closed” in a very bitchy tone - through the door.
What ever happened to costumer service? Not even 50 years ago, I would have been treated with more respect as a costumer and person. They would have opened the door to see if there was anything they could help me with - I’m not saying that they would have been able to help me, but 50 years ago they would have at least asked if they could.
But that’s Bell for you. The people at Bell are complete assholes. They don’t know what “good service” is and they definitely don’t live by the “costumer is always right” motto. I effing hate Bell.
Anyways, after that frustrating moment, we went and saw 27 Dresses. Fuzz didn’t actually know what it was about, so that’s how I got him to go see it. It was a good movie; very funny, but it made me think about all the things we have to do for McPout’s wedding…which is in 2 months.
Right now, I’m just waiting for McPout and Nelly to pick me up; everyone is going to my grandparent’s house today to work on bridal shower and wedding invitations. I think I am going to stay for a few days, and hang out with Granny and Papa.
I need to get away from all the drama and issues that I’m having with people (which I will most likely post about in greater detail at a later time).
Posted by Sarcastica @
12:32 pm |
Should Have Known
Half an hour ago, I was listening to a really cheesy country song (Amanda Wilkinson; No More Me) and thinking about the time I spent with NSN.
Ya I know, bad idea.
Stupid me still misses him - the old him mind you, but that’s still bad. Especially after all he put me through. I should hate him. I should wish ill upon him for the rest of his days, but I can’t. I’m so pissed that he tainted all of our time together by his actions when we broke up and after.
Anyways, so I was sitting here listening to No More Me by Amanda Wilkinson and thinking about how it would have been so much better if NSN had left in a different, kinder way. I just happened to glance out the window at that point, and I saw a car parked at the end of the driveway. It was a tanish colour, and the person was putting something in the mailbox.
My heart skipped a beat. On the way home from the ski trip, I saw NSN’s new car in his driveway. It was a tanish colour, four door old man car. Could it be him? Finally paying me back? The person didn’t drive up the driveway, and instead drove away after getting back in.
My imagination started running wild. Perhaps he’s finally realized that it was not me who ruined things, but him. Perhaps he’s finally feeling remorse for his sickening behaviour these past 7 months or so, and in that envelope will be not only the money he owes me but a note apologizing for everything. That’s all it would take for my heart to soften you know, a sincere apology. I am in no way saying that I would take him back, because I definitely wouldn’t, but at least I could look back on him with founder memories.
So anyways, I told my dad to check the mailbox when he left for work. He wanted to know what I was expecting, and not thinking I replied “the rest of the money NSN owes me…hopefully.” Dad was shocked to hear that NSN still hadn’t paid me back and still owed me $400. So now Dad’s going to get involved and go down to have a talk with NSN about the importances of keeping promises or something like that. Great. Thanks motor mouth me, technically I did tell NSN he could keep the money…but I expected him to pay me back after realizing just how horrible of a person he was.
But anyways, so Dad checked the mailbox…and low and behold, there wasn’t an envelope from NSN to me. It was a package for him from somebody. Talk about wishful thinking eh. Of course NSN won’t smarten up, he’s a stubborn mule and always has been.
But that small, tiny, insignificant little part of me still wants something from him. An apology? The rest of my money back? An acknowledgment that we had been together for so long? A place in his heart as his first? I have no idea what I want. All I know is I don’t want to be forgotten or erased, especially since I can’t forget or erase him. I can pretend…but pretending only goes so far.
But I find a part of me doesn’t want to forget the memories; the good times that we had, even if they do hurt me deeply every time I think about him, or see pictures. It’s like salt on an open wound, that feeling. But I guess it’s better then having nothing…
This picture was taken exactly a year ago today; at JD’s 18th hotel party, before everyone got there. It was just JD, Birdman, NSN and myself. We had a blast goofing off and being idiots. NSN decided it would be funny to swing me over his shoulder…and I repaid him by farting right in his face. HAH! Take that. (Ya I don’t care if I just told the entire world I farted in my ex-boyfriends face…it just makes everybody want to vote for me more…come on, it’s the last day 
heh).
Random emotional turmoil aside, I would like to give a birthday shout out to my best friend JD, who is 19 today. Go wish her a happy birthday; knowing her she’s probably already at the beer store!
Posted by Sarcastica @
12:52 pm |
Barf
I feel very sick. I think I have that super bug that is apparently going around. Needless to say, I couldn’t get my tattoo today and I wasn’t exactly happy about it. I was looking forward to it. Maybe it’s a sign or something? I don’t know. I still really want a tattoo though…
I handed out my resume to a couple of places at a local strip mall and actually got a call for an interview - only they wanted me in at 5pm today. Um…I’m super sick and can’t go very far without my trusty puke bucket. The guy was sort of making fun of me when I said that I think I have that super bug that’s going around. “Oh, you mean the one that doesn’t exist, right?”. Um ok. Yes I’m completely making up the fact that I’m sick so I can avoid going to an interview in which you called me to ask me to come half an hour before you wanted to have it. Ya, they called me at 4:30pm.
I don’t think they’ll be calling me back - places are stupid like that. Whatever though. I still want to put in my resume at the old folks home. It’s better money and more focused on helping people instead of working at a movie rental store.
Anyways, I didn’t get my tattoo and I’m sick. Just thought y’all would like to know. Now I’m gonna go lie down on the couch and bitch and complain that I don’t have anybody to take care of me when I’m sick (besides for my parents when they aren’t working).
P.S. It’s NSN’s 18th birthday. I sent him a text saying “Happy Birthday, I hope you have a good one”. I don’t know why…I guess because I was thinking about him and wondering if he’s happy. I hope he is. A part of me still misses NSN - the Nifty part though, not the new NSN. The person he was when we first met. But that person is gone and I accept that and I’m trying to move on - sometimes it’s just hard, like when I’m sick and alone with nobody to talk to.
P.S.S here is a better picture of my new hair. I realize that the picture I posted didn’t really show it off.
I think I look a lot different - in a good way though. Well, not at this current moment. My funky cute bangs are all sticking up because I have a head band on to avoid getting them covered in the grossness that is the flu. But ya, that’s the basic look.
Posted by Sarcastica @
11:57 pm |
