Bleeding from the inside out

February 15, 2008

I am very, very sick of drama. I feel like ripping my hair out and crying until every single drop of moisture in my body is gone. I feel like digging a hole and never coming out to face the world. I wish that there was an off button, or a pause button, so I could just breathe for a moment and not let all of this take me under.

I have been working so hard to rebuild myself after the whole destroyed first love thing. I thought, with all things considered, that I was doing wonderfully. I’m no where near being fully healed yet, but after the amount of damage NSN caused me it’s no surprise. These things take time, lots of lots of time. I am nowhere near being ready to date somebody seriously again, I know for a fact I cannot commit myself to anybody right now - I have a hard enough time committing myself to me.

So what’s chipping away at the small ruins I’ve attempted to rebuild? Oh lots of things. The Fuzz thing, for example. He said last night that he would understand if I didn’t feel the same, but he really doesn’t. Today wasn’t as awkward as I feared it would be…more quiet then it normally is. We picked up Birdman, Cowman, and Neen and before heading off to the recreational group Valentine’s Day dance; we stopped at my tattoo place so I could get my lip pierced.

The dance was fun, obviously I was off dancing and didn’t have time to talk to Fuzz. The car ride home was alright, it was mostly Birdman and Cowman talking with everyone else laughing at their jokes. Once he dropped everyone off, he stopped talking to me. I felt completely awkward as I babbled on about pointless, stupid things trying to get him to talk to me.

When I got home, I texted him asking if he was mad. Ya I know, totally cowardly of me…but I didn’t know how to go about bringing it up. I didn’t want to embarrass him. I asked him once what was wrong, and he just said he was tired. He replied with “I’m mostly mad at myself for liking someone who clearly isn’t worth it.” Then he went on to rant about how in the car when Birdman was making fun of me for being so gullible, I said “well maybe I’m just trusting”, and how it bothered him because that was one of the things I told him I had issues with. He also brought up Boy 3 and how I was so hurt and annoyed when he couldn’t see how great I was and said that he could…

Basically, Fuzz is hurt and using anger as a way to cope with it. He has directed that anger at me and it is hurting me because he is one of my best friends, and I need his friendship. It hurts that he said he would understand if I didn’t feel the same, yet clearly he can’t. He doesn’t understand anything about my situation. I can trust; but not in that way; to that degree. I cannot trust myself or anybody else to be that close, as close as I was with NSN. I don’t like Boy 3, I like the idea of Boy 3. I know I’m nowhere near ready to even approach a serious relationship.

What bugs me is that Fuzz knows why I feel the way I do, and he should understand. Instead, I feel as if he’s given me a choice between being with him or not having him in my life at all.

I know guys, if that’s the case I shouldn’t give it another moments thought but it isn’t worth it. But it’s totally easier said then done. Fuzz has been one of my good friends for a long time, I can’t just stop a friendship.

This is why I hate Halmark holidays. That’s right, I’m going to blame all of my issues on the fact that they happened on Valentine’s day.

6 Responses to “Bleeding from the inside out”

1. Says:
   February 15th, 2008 at 9:51 am

   < ![CDATA[Nice piercing! And you can hang your keys on it if you don't have any pockets!

   :D

   Avitable’s last blog post..Censored]]>

2. Says:
   February 15th, 2008 at 9:54 am

   < ![CDATA[I like the piercing.

   As for Fuzz. Well. Guys have a funny way of showing their true colors when their ego is bruised or crushed. He obviously had feelings for you that you cannot return and that hurts his ego.

   Give him some time to lick his wounds, do not let him lay this at your feet. Do not take responsibility for his anger or hurt feelings. You did not cause those feelings. You were up front and honest with him. HE is the one having a problem with that.

   Keep your chin up :) *hugs*

   Sodapop’s last blog post..Just a bunch of jibberish]]>

3. Says:
   February 15th, 2008 at 10:03 am

   < ![CDATA[Avitable; that was the soul reason for getting it, don’t cha know.

   Sodapop; thanks! And I’ll try to do that, it’s just hard when its a friend because you want to be there and help but you’re sort of the cause of the problem…]]>

4. Says:
   February 15th, 2008 at 10:10 am

   < ![CDATA[It does make it ten times harder when it's a friend. But you need to know you are NOT the cause of the problem. HE is. You were up front and honest with him. You did NOT cause him to feel that way. You did NOT cause him to get angry at you for not feeling the same. This has nothing to do with you. This has to do with his feelings and the way he's letting it effect your friendship.

   Sodapop’s last blog post..Just a bunch of jibberish]]>

5. Says:
   February 15th, 2008 at 3:17 pm

   < ![CDATA[I agree with Sodapop. He's responsible for how he wants to take it. He can act like an adult, respect the fact that you aren't interested in anything more than a platonic friendship, and be your friend, OR he can be childish, direct his anger at you, make fun of you and tell you you're clearly not worth liking.

   He has been a good friend. Up until now. It's up to him if wants to stop acting this way and continue being a good friend or not. If he really has decided and is making you feel that the only way he wants to be in your life is as a boyfriend, then he's the one who ended the friendship, not you.

   Girl, Dislocated’s last blog post..Goodbye sand, hello snow]]>

6. Says:
   February 15th, 2008 at 4:46 pm

   < ![CDATA[Sodapop; Ya, of course you are right
   Girl, Dislocated; I’ll keep that in mind, and I’ll try not to feel guilty…]]>