Taste The Rainbow

February 28, 2008 I'm a STAR!, Sarcastica!, changes, completely random crap, friends, growing up, life lessons, pictures, rainbows and butterflies, updates

There is an empty bag of Tangy Tropical Skittles in front of me. I really wish it was full, then I could have Skittles for breakfast and there is nothing like Skittles for breakfast! But alas, it is empty I ate the 5 that were left last night when I got home. Now I regret that decision, although they tasted good last night too.

Anyways, random rant about Skittles aside…life is good. I’m still jobless and completely broke, but that will change in…May. Hopefully anyway. There is no drama with my friends (involving me anyway) and the new boyfriend is pretty cool. Since it’s only been like 2 days, I’m not going to do a post dedicated to him. But I’ll tell ya all this now: he’s pretty wicked!

I’m actually pleased to say that I learned a lot from my [failed] relationship with NSN. I know what to do, what not to do, what to put up with, and what to not put up with. I’m definitely now my own person, and it feels good. I won’t compromise my morals or beliefs anymore and the really wicked thing is that Booth totally doesn’t expect me too. He’s a lot more mature then any of the guys I’ve dated, and he actually knows what a relationship would take.

He explained it threw his tattoos actually. He has several heartagrams and when I asked the meaning behind them, he said that the heart represents love and the triangle, the strongest shape, represents two people working together to come together…and the circle represents unity. Pretty smart eh?

I’m going to be smart too and keep my head way above the water. I know things aren’t always perfect and if they seem that they are, then that’s just ignorance. I’m going to not compromise my friends to spend time with him, or what I love to do. I’m going camping this weekend with the recreational group, and tonight I’m supposed to go bowling with some old friends whom I haven’t seen in forever.

Fuzz is a little upset with me for dating Booth. I think anyway, since I had told him that I wasn’t going to date anybody. In all fairness, I said this before getting to know Booth. He accepts that I’m with someone else now, but he’s still disappointed. Unfortunately there isn’t anything I can do about that. I would like to take the pain and frustration that any of my friends or family feel and shove it in the trash, but that’s just not possible…especially when I’m causing that pain and frustration. So I stepped back, to let him do his own healing.

One Last Time

February 27, 2008 Ask Sarcastica

So even though I canceled the weekly Ask Sarcastica thing since nobody was sending me questions or issues, someone actually mailed me and I thought it would be completely unfair if I didn’t reply so here we go:

Dear Sarcastica:

I’ve been having academic problems since I entered college. At first it wasn’t that frustrating, I thought it was just a matter of getting used to the different system. But it’s been, what? 6 months? And I’m still the same mediocre student, I’m beginning to think this isn’t for me, and that would really suck because I want this, I don’t want anything else. And I really wanted to be good, it was perhaps the first time I cared about doing good at school. And now I don’t even know if I’ll get to second grade, and being good is out of the question obviously.

Dear Whomever Wrote This (since it’s unsigned):

I would suggest finding out if it is possible to get extra help, like maybe a tutor or something, before you give up. If this is really what you want, then it might just take a little bit more effort in a different way. Join a study group, get help from a friend or professor if you don’t understand it. Don’t throw in the towel if you really want this and are just frustrated with yourself for not getting it. Sometimes, all it takes is an explanation in a different way; that could make a world of sense. So don’t give up yet!

Sincerely,
Sarcastica.

Surprises

February 26, 2008 I'm a STAR!, LOL, Sarcastica!, adventures, changes, completely random crap, good times, rainbows and butterflies, updates

So I guess that saying “you’ll find it when you aren’t looking” really is true, because I wasn’t actually looking when I “found” it. In fact, I had decided to stop dating [and kissing] altogether since I wasn’t having any luck with my triangle between Boys 1, 2, and 3 and I was just confusing myself and everyone else with the “code” nicknames. Anyways, what better way to solve this triangle probably by adding a new guy to make it a damn square?

I really was going to stop dating and kissing…but then there was the whole kissing booth thing and Booth is super cute and he’s new too. As in, no past drama or friendship lines. So ya, we’ll see how this goes.

Now I’m going to go downstairs and somehow get McPout’s dog to shut up because she has been barking since 6am and I’m really tired still. Grr.

The Kissing Booth

February 24, 2008 I'm a STAR!, LOL, Sarcastica!, adventures, blog whore, completely random crap, good times, insecurties, life lessons, pictures, updates

The Jack and Jill was amazing; unfortunately, I ended up getting drunk. I really didn’t intend to, honestly, and I was still in control of everything…I just felt awesome It couldn’t have gone better!

There was a cute guy there, we’ll call him Booth (details of how the nickname came to be will follow). I met Booth at a party I went to at McPout’s, and thought he was cute. Apparently, he thought I was hot too (since I am in his contacts on his phone under “Lil Hottie”). Anyways, he came to the Jack and Jill and bought me a lot of jello shooters. Then we brought out the kissing booth! I wore it and charged people $2 for a kiss.

I was sick of being in it after a while (although I was making lots of money off of the drunk people, haha) so I told Booth to go in it. Then I went up to him with five bucks and asked what that would get me. It got me a make-out session :O. So ya, my first kiss with Booth was in…a kissing booth? And I paid for it. Hah. But I got free kisses the rest of the night so meh.

I don’t know if that whole thing is going anywhere, I’d be interested in seeing though…if he’s interested. I don’t know though, I can’t really follow “Facebook signs” of him “buying me as a pet” (Friends 4 Sale application) and put bank in that crap.

Anyways, I had fun last night on the microphone and in the kissing booth. It was good times. Gibby and Fuzz showed up but both of them left before the whole kissing booth ordeal…heh. Luckily. Fuzz would be pissed and Gibby would be disappointed in me for drinking so much at a fundraiser I was running. I think it made it better though…for me. I was actually able to get money of people in my happy state. I’m too shy to approach people sober, so whatever helps the team!

But ya, just throwing this out there…I felt sparks with Booth. First time that’s happened in quite a while, and even though I was drunk I know that they were there because I’ve kissed other people while drunk and felt nothing but…drunk. So that’s interesting. We’ll see though. I don’t know what I want

Bleeding from the inside out

February 15, 2008 FOAD, Sarcastica!, annoyances, friends, insecurties, issues, pictures, ranting & raving, stuff that bites, stupid mistakes, updates

I am very, very sick of drama. I feel like ripping my hair out and crying until every single drop of moisture in my body is gone. I feel like digging a hole and never coming out to face the world. I wish that there was an off button, or a pause button, so I could just breathe for a moment and not let all of this take me under.

I have been working so hard to rebuild myself after the whole destroyed first love thing. I thought, with all things considered, that I was doing wonderfully. I’m no where near being fully healed yet, but after the amount of damage NSN caused me it’s no surprise. These things take time, lots of lots of time. I am nowhere near being ready to date somebody seriously again, I know for a fact I cannot commit myself to anybody right now - I have a hard enough time committing myself to me.

So what’s chipping away at the small ruins I’ve attempted to rebuild? Oh lots of things. The Fuzz thing, for example. He said last night that he would understand if I didn’t feel the same, but he really doesn’t. Today wasn’t as awkward as I feared it would be…more quiet then it normally is. We picked up Birdman, Cowman, and Neen and before heading off to the recreational group Valentine’s Day dance; we stopped at my tattoo place so I could get my lip pierced.

The dance was fun, obviously I was off dancing and didn’t have time to talk to Fuzz. The car ride home was alright, it was mostly Birdman and Cowman talking with everyone else laughing at their jokes. Once he dropped everyone off, he stopped talking to me. I felt completely awkward as I babbled on about pointless, stupid things trying to get him to talk to me.

When I got home, I texted him asking if he was mad. Ya I know, totally cowardly of me…but I didn’t know how to go about bringing it up. I didn’t want to embarrass him. I asked him once what was wrong, and he just said he was tired. He replied with “I’m mostly mad at myself for liking someone who clearly isn’t worth it.” Then he went on to rant about how in the car when Birdman was making fun of me for being so gullible, I said “well maybe I’m just trusting”, and how it bothered him because that was one of the things I told him I had issues with. He also brought up Boy 3 and how I was so hurt and annoyed when he couldn’t see how great I was and said that he could…

Basically, Fuzz is hurt and using anger as a way to cope with it. He has directed that anger at me and it is hurting me because he is one of my best friends, and I need his friendship. It hurts that he said he would understand if I didn’t feel the same, yet clearly he can’t. He doesn’t understand anything about my situation. I can trust; but not in that way; to that degree. I cannot trust myself or anybody else to be that close, as close as I was with NSN. I don’t like Boy 3, I like the idea of Boy 3. I know I’m nowhere near ready to even approach a serious relationship.

What bugs me is that Fuzz knows why I feel the way I do, and he should understand. Instead, I feel as if he’s given me a choice between being with him or not having him in my life at all.

I know guys, if that’s the case I shouldn’t give it another moments thought but it isn’t worth it. But it’s totally easier said then done. Fuzz has been one of my good friends for a long time, I can’t just stop a friendship.

This is why I hate Halmark holidays. That’s right, I’m going to blame all of my issues on the fact that they happened on Valentine’s day.

Monster

February 14, 2008 Sarcastica!, completely random crap, friends, insecurties, issues, life lessons, ranting & raving, stuff that bites, updates

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone, I hope you all have a better day then I have been having! Sorry about what is sure to be a long rant…but I need to vent. And clear my mind. This seemed like the safer route to take opposed to drinking myself silly (that’s a joke, by the way; if I drink I drink for fun).

There is a particular reason why I hate Valentine’s Day (other then it is completely an invented holiday by Halmark) and that is because it makes everyone feel like they have to be in a relationship or else they are missing out on something important. That is a shitty feeling, and if you have ever felt it you know what I mean. I personally don’t feel that way, but I know several people who do.

I feel more bitter towards this bleak day then I normally would this year, and this bitterness streams from last night I’m sure. I mentioned that I was going to the movies with a whole lot of people for Single’s Only Day, only most of those people canceled so it was just Peterpops, Fuzz, Reaper and one other guy and myself there. We saw Fools Gold, it was pretty decent I guess. For the most part, it was fun. After the movie though, Fuzz snapped at me in the car and I snapped back. He was pissed off because in order to get the car he told his parents he had to work until 8, and it was practically 10pm when the movie let out. Of course, it was all my fault. So I fumed the entire way home, because I am so sick of people make poor decisions and then blaming it on me.

Anyways, after we dropped off Peterpops and Reaper, Fuzz apologized for snapping. I still wasn’t very talkative because I was still fuming a bit…and thinking about the issues I have with Reaper. (In case you haven’t guessed yet, Boy 1 is Fuzz and Boy 2 is Reaper…I’m not telling who Boy 3 is…yet).

While I was settled for the night re-reading one of my favourite books ever; New Moon by Stephenie Meyer, I get several text messages from Fuzz again apologizing about the night. Then he told me that he had started to like me again, and had to tell me because it was bugging him.

I really had no idea how to respond. Fuzz is one of my best friends, and I just don’t feel that way about him. Ironically, he’s the only guy friend who I haven’t had a crush on and before I suspected he had one on me, I was pleased with the fact that we were so close and nobody had a crush on anybody. I honestly have tried…I even kissed him once to see if there actually were any sparks and there wasn’t. Not for me anyway. It probably wasn’t the best idea to kiss him though, because now he thinks he likes me. I was drunk though, and my judgment was poorer then usual. I really don’t have the best judgment as it is, and drinking never helps.

This ended up being a longer text conversation then either of us planned. I tried to explain that I just didn’t feel the same way, but he told me to open my mind and try. I can’t. I’m still broken up from the whole NSN thing, I even told him that like 2 weeks ago when I realized just how shut down I am. He [text] told me that he wanted to be the one to change that. But I know he isn’t, like you guys said…I’ve got to do that myself. I also have an uncanny ability of knowing if someone is right or wrong for me, and since I know Fuzz so well…I know he’s wrong for me. And I am wrong for him too: he needs someone with a hell of a lot less issues, somebody perky and fun. I’ve got a temper that could freeze the earth over again in another Ice Age. I have never been one to trust easily, and I don’t trust at all now. I also have no idea what I want, and my indecisions constantly lead to someone getting hurt. Usually myself, but I know that I hurt people along the way indirectly. I don’t mean to, it just sort of happens.

Fuzz still wants me to try, but the bottom line is that I have and there wasn’t anything there for me. And it really does hurt me that I’ve hurt him, I feel like an absolute monster. I wish I could give him a better answer, but I can’t.

Because I can’t, I’m terrified this is going to ruin our friendship. I know he feels like an idiot for telling me, and I’m worried that he’s going to stop talking to me…as much. I honestly don’t need a boyfriend right now, I’m still in the healing process…and what I need is my friends to understand that.

I don’t want some knight in shinning amour to come rescue me from myself. All that knight in shinning amour would do as they heal me is carve their own hole in my heart, so it will be riddled beyond repair.

I still feel like a monster though.

Impatient Virture

February 13, 2008 Sarcastica!, annoyances, changes, completely random crap, dumbass people, family, growing up, insecurties, issues, life lessons, opinions, ranting & raving, stuff that bites, updates

Well guys, the weekly Ask Sarcastica has been canceled, what with it being the second week without anybody sending me an email to ask me questions. I suppose it’s for the best, since a counselors first rule is to never give “advice”…then people feel obligated to follow it. What you are supposed to do is help them figure out the answers to their own questions, without saying what they should do. Isn’t advice really just telling someone (in a non-direct way) what you think they should do?

Anyways, I have been pretty busy these past few days, JD came over yesterday and we played Guitar Hero and watched Beauty and the Beast and Hairspray. Good times. Sunday, I hung out with Peterpops and got up to no good of course. I visited B2 for a bit, found out where all my new socks I got for Christmas where. I guess I will be shopping for new socks now, since they are dispensed amongst her friends.

I actually thought B2 would come home by now, once she got hungry enough. She is still living with her boyfriend. I haven’t really mentioned anything about B2 lately because things have been so…crazy. Pardon the pun. In any case, I’m not going to start now other then to say that I am worried about her and wondering what its going to take. Things haven’t been normal around here for a year now, and I think we’re all sick of it. But what else can we do?

Anyways, enough about that. I don’t want to think too much about it because it depresses the hell out of me that B2 is drifting further and further away and there isn’t a damn thing I can say or do about it. It just pushes her even further away. There are so many things that I want to blog about to vent and get it all out, but I can’t.

So for those of you who didn’t join the Facebook group created by Fuzz, today is Single’s Only Day, or S.O.D. To celebrate, all of us single friends are going out to see a movie and talk about how amazing it is to be single. Pff.

I still haven’t made my costume yet for tomorrows Valentine’s Dance at the recreational group, and I don’t think I am going to get around to doing it. I don’t have the paint or anything. Oh well. Maybe I’ll go as Cupid, and wear a bedsheet toga type thing. I highly doubt Cupid was male anyway, men completely lack romantic sense.

Ok I lied - here is some more boy drama

February 11, 2008 I'm a STAR!, LOL, Sarcastica!, adventures, annoyances, completely random crap, friends, issues, ranting & raving, stupid mistakes, updates

I totally wouldn’t be 18 if I didn’t have some sort of melodramatic boy trouble, especially during this week of love (or lack of, in my case) so here is a special Valentine-ish day treat - sorta. Since it isn’t exactly Valentine’s Day yet.

We shall call them Boy 1, Boy 2, and Boy 3 - since they are all my friends. Let’s see if you can guess who they are, shall we?

So Boy 1 likes me, I’m pretty sure. Boy 2 - who likes me in his own very complicated, screwed up way - seems to think that Boy 1 has liked me since meeting me several years ago. Boy 1 tells me stuff about Boy 2 which Boy 2 denies and says that Boy 1 is making it up so that he will be “less desirable” in my eyes. But Boy 2 used to tell tall tales of his own back in the day, and he wasn’t exactly honest with me for the longest time. Boy 1 hasn’t given me any reason to think that he is making stuff up but I can’t be to sure. Boy 1 has been my friend solidly for the past year and a bit, while Boy 2 comes and goes as he pleases, saying he has a lot of issues that he needs to deal with (which is ok).

Anyways, Boy 2 is confused about what he wants. I myself am confused about what I want. I don’t subconsciously want anything. I know I don’t have those feelings for Boy 1, and I’m not sure about Boy 2. I am fond of Boy 1: he is a good friend of mine. And every time Boy 2 and I hang out, it’s like we’re dating or something. Now trust me, that is very confusing.

Boy 3 is also a very good friend of mine who I sort of have a bit of a crush on, only he definitely doesn’t return the feelings. He is a good guy but very hung up on the wrong girl. He sort of doesn’t fit in the drama section because the lines are well drawn between our friendship.

Boy 1 and Boy 2 like to blur the lines, well not so much Boy 1 mostly just Boy 2. Anyways, I get so confused that I don’t even know if we’re friends or not. At a recent party, Boy 2 was acting as if we were dating…you know, putting his arms around me and kissing me etc. and this is very much why I did not want to think about dating. Confusing, is it not? Even typing it out didn’t help make it any clearer in my head.

I need to get out of town and meet some new people. This drama has been circling me forever now, and it’s gotten old.

4 Days

February 10, 2008 I'm a STAR!, Sarcastica!, blog whore, completely random crap, friends, good times, issues, life lessons, opinions, ranting & raving, updates

Valentines Day. Ugh, how I hate it. I always have! Ever since grade seven when I bought my Valentine a bag of 50 cent chocolate kisses; gave it to him, and then got dumped because he wanted to be with one of my friends. Even when I was with NSN, I told him not to acknowledge the holiday. He didn’t, but his mom made me my favourite dish of food.

Anyways, back to my rant about Valentine’s day: I hate it. You should do sweet things for your love every day of the year, not just one day. Random flowers and chocolates and jewelry all throughout the year are the best way to go.

Aside from being a completely Halmark holiday, Valentine’s day is designed to make all the single people feel like failures. I can tell you now that I won’t be getting flowers or chocolates from anybody outside my family. No diamond studded heart necklace either. How is this supposed to make me feel? Hmm?

This year, I won’t be celebrating Valentine’s day alone though. There is a dance at the recreational group, and I fully plan on dressing up and going. I’m thinking I’ll be a box of chocolates now, cause Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates yo.

So ya, anyways…back to Friday night…I can’t really remember ALL of it. Just bites and pieces. I know that Peterpops smacked me in the face for beating her at flip cup (she’s such a violent drunk). But ya the funniest stories were told yesterday. I still haven’t figured out how to get the pictures and videos off my phone and on the internet.

Today I’ll be hanging out with MAD and Peterpops, for “band practice” (we play Rockband and drink a little). Before that, I’m going to attempt to send out comment love. Let’s hope your blogs full of HTML goodness load!

She Hit The Floor

February 9, 2008 I'm a STAR!, LOL, Sarcastica!, adventures, blog whore, completely random crap, dumbass people, good times, life lessons, updates

Well everyone, last night was interesting enough. I ended up at McPout and Nelly’s house, drunk as a skunk by like 7pm haha.

The evening started out innocently enough; Fuzz and I went job hunting without any success, then we hung out with Peterpops and went to the boozehound store. McPout called while we were playing Guitar Hero and invited us over for drinks, so we went. (Don’t worry, Fuzz was the DD).

Fuzz had to leave for work around like 10 and that’s when McPout’s entire neighborhood arrived. We all played drinking games and then Nelly challenged me to a dance competition. I definitely heated up the floor! Of course, dancing with or even NEAR Nelly is a bit dangerous, and I ended up smacking my face off against the wall. Can’t really remember how it happened, or the passing out part that Nelly says happened…but its all good I’m fine. No marks or nothing!

But ya, I definitely hit that floor. When I figure out how to get the video from my phone to the net, I definitely will: it’s a priceless one of McPout and one of her neighbors dancing to 99 Problems.

Anyway, I’ve got to get back to dog sitting! More updates on my adventures later.