Should Have Known
January 31, 2008
Half an hour ago, I was listening to a really cheesy country song (Amanda Wilkinson; No More Me) and thinking about the time I spent with NSN.
Ya I know, bad idea.
Stupid me still misses him - the old him mind you, but that’s still bad. Especially after all he put me through. I should hate him. I should wish ill upon him for the rest of his days, but I can’t. I’m so pissed that he tainted all of our time together by his actions when we broke up and after.
Anyways, so I was sitting here listening to No More Me by Amanda Wilkinson and thinking about how it would have been so much better if NSN had left in a different, kinder way. I just happened to glance out the window at that point, and I saw a car parked at the end of the driveway. It was a tanish colour, and the person was putting something in the mailbox.
My heart skipped a beat. On the way home from the ski trip, I saw NSN’s new car in his driveway. It was a tanish colour, four door old man car. Could it be him? Finally paying me back? The person didn’t drive up the driveway, and instead drove away after getting back in.
My imagination started running wild. Perhaps he’s finally realized that it was not me who ruined things, but him. Perhaps he’s finally feeling remorse for his sickening behaviour these past 7 months or so, and in that envelope will be not only the money he owes me but a note apologizing for everything. That’s all it would take for my heart to soften you know, a sincere apology. I am in no way saying that I would take him back, because I definitely wouldn’t, but at least I could look back on him with founder memories.
So anyways, I told my dad to check the mailbox when he left for work. He wanted to know what I was expecting, and not thinking I replied “the rest of the money NSN owes me…hopefully.” Dad was shocked to hear that NSN still hadn’t paid me back and still owed me $400. So now Dad’s going to get involved and go down to have a talk with NSN about the importances of keeping promises or something like that. Great. Thanks motor mouth me, technically I did tell NSN he could keep the money…but I expected him to pay me back after realizing just how horrible of a person he was.
But anyways, so Dad checked the mailbox…and low and behold, there wasn’t an envelope from NSN to me. It was a package for him from somebody. Talk about wishful thinking eh. Of course NSN won’t smarten up, he’s a stubborn mule and always has been.
But that small, tiny, insignificant little part of me still wants something from him. An apology? The rest of my money back? An acknowledgment that we had been together for so long? A place in his heart as his first? I have no idea what I want. All I know is I don’t want to be forgotten or erased, especially since I can’t forget or erase him. I can pretend…but pretending only goes so far.
But I find a part of me doesn’t want to forget the memories; the good times that we had, even if they do hurt me deeply every time I think about him, or see pictures. It’s like salt on an open wound, that feeling. But I guess it’s better then having nothing…
This picture was taken exactly a year ago today; at JD’s 18th hotel party, before everyone got there. It was just JD, Birdman, NSN and myself. We had a blast goofing off and being idiots. NSN decided it would be funny to swing me over his shoulder…and I repaid him by farting right in his face. HAH! Take that. (Ya I don’t care if I just told the entire world I farted in my ex-boyfriends face…it just makes everybody want to vote for me more…come on, it’s the last day 
heh).
Random emotional turmoil aside, I would like to give a birthday shout out to my best friend JD, who is 19 today. Go wish her a happy birthday; knowing her she’s probably already at the beer store!
January 31st, 2008 at 2:02 pm
< ![CDATA[As much as it hurts to recall the good times, hatred is much worse. It'll tear you up. You'll eventually get over the pain, but hatred stays with you.]]>
January 31st, 2008 at 3:06 pm
< ![CDATA[I recommend Voodou as the solution to your emotional turmoil.]]>
January 31st, 2008 at 3:30 pm
< ![CDATA[NSN gives me the impression that he is too young to know what he wants. And I don't mean in age, I mean in spirit. You are supposed to have your heart broken so that you know how fucking amazing it feels when someone treats you right.]]>
January 31st, 2008 at 5:57 pm
< ![CDATA[I'm glad your dad got involved. You could use that money!]]>
January 31st, 2008 at 11:44 pm
< ![CDATA[Amanda; I suppose that’s true…gosh darn you are so wise!
Grant; Hmm…Voodou eh…
Poppy; Ya NSN has never had his heart broken before; I dated several guys before him who treated me like shit. I guess you could say that I was his first actual girlfriend, and I didn’t put up with any of his crap. So perhaps I do wish a heart break or two on NSN….
Avitable; yup I certainly could use that money….Suicide Girls isn’t paying as much as they used too…]]>
February 1st, 2008 at 1:23 am
< ![CDATA[I'm feeling a similar way about my ex. I wish I could help you with what to do about the tainted memories, but I don't know what to do myself.]]>
February 1st, 2008 at 8:39 am
< ![CDATA[Perhaps you dad can make him do it, but there are some things about people you must understand. While you can wish & hope for a different outcome; people are who they are. I don't want to rain on your parade but there are Many people out there who are "takers" Either he wants to pay you back & will go to great lengths to do it, or he has NO intention of paying you back and is acting like it! Pressure might make him but I think not. Nothing outside of a Judicial Order is likely to move him & he'll just hate you for it anyway.
Lession # 1- Never loan Anyone money that you can't afford to Lose. I do lend money to Friends, Hell I've paid Someone else's Rent, food,Utility & Vet bills while they were laid up after falling off a Roof, but then again, when my car died on the New Jersey Turnpike at 11pm one night, he came down, picked me up and drove me back to pick it up after it was fixed-and Yes, he Repaid me- but that's a Friend for you!
Lession #2 Never loan a Boy/Girl "friend" or Lover money without having an agreement to Repay, nor allow ANYONE not related to you to have access to your money.
Lession #3 Pay Yourself First. When you get paid, put Your money into Savings first. At least 10% When you have accumulated the equivalent of 6 months' pay Start to Invest your money- NEVER LOAN YOUR "NEST EGG!!!
Please take my Advice- You will come to see the Wisdom of it in time.]]>
February 1st, 2008 at 11:39 am
< ![CDATA[Kylah; Well if we both figure something out, we’ll be sure to inform the other! Since this sucks LOL!
Wild Bill; Impressive advice, and I know I shouldn’t have given him the money…but love is blind AND we did have an agreement in which he assured me he would pay me back, I didn’t think to make him sign anything because he had never given me reason to distrust him before. I’m definitely going to do Lesson #3 whenever I get a job; 10% into my savings sounds like an awesome idea! Thank you for the advice!]]>
February 1st, 2008 at 10:24 pm
< ![CDATA[so I found your site by way of the "Bloggies Teen Voting" one, and read many of your archived posts...
and the comments.
I'm your same age, and your tone about not being respected as a writer because of people's perceptions of teenagers resonates...
that said, just wanted to shove this in your face if you haven't picked up the subtle hints over...is it the last 2 years...?
old creepy Avitable wants to get in yo' pantz.]]>
February 1st, 2008 at 10:26 pm
< ![CDATA[Ahahahahahahaha!!! Wow, strangers have you pegged, Avi.]]>
February 2nd, 2008 at 9:16 am
< ![CDATA[Caroline; yes I am quite aware of that fact, but then and again…creepy old Avitable wants to get in everyone’s pants.
Poppy; I think this means he should try a different “approach”…haha]]>
February 2nd, 2008 at 9:50 am
< ![CDATA[;)]]>
February 8th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
< ![CDATA[HA HA HA YAAAAA!!!!! Let Daddy kick his ass!!! HA HA HA HA]]>
February 8th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
< ![CDATA[Shannon; lmfao now THERE’S an idea…]]>