Like Sailing

November 30, 2007 Sarcastica!, changes, discoveries, good times, growing up, life lessons, rainbows and butterflies, updates

I find it ironic and completely mind blowing how quickly a persons life can change. It’s a lot like sailing I suppose; one minute you are going one direction completely content and the next minute the wind changes and you’re going in a completely different direction. At first, you hate it because it’s not what you were used to or what you were expecting. Suddenly, you realize the view is a lot more breathtaking and the change is all for the better.

I am fully aware just how cheesy and crazy that sounds; but I assure you I’m not drunk, not now anyway. I’m just reflecting on these last few days with a sort of awe about them.

There is so much to say, but not a lot of ways to say it without pissing a lot of people off.

I’m sort of seeing someone now…sort of. It’s a guy I knew from high school, he’s really hot…and we’ve been talking a lot lately, over texts and phone conversations and MSN. He’s a great guy, but I just know what my family’s reaction to him would be; especially B1 since she knew him in high school. He is a different person from when he was in high school. I know that my family isn’t as optimistic about people changing for the good. I love my family, but they definitely don’t seem to believe that people change, or at least they doubt it. Obviously, I believe that people have the power in them to change. And I’m not going to judge someone on their past mistakes; that would be completely hypocritical of me!

It’s barely been a month, I know this. But I can honestly say that I’m not needing anymore time to heal. I’ve healed as good as I will ever heal. I’m comfortable with where I am in life. I’m not going to be rushing into a serious relationship with this guy, for now its just fun. We’re just seeing each other.

I can say that I really didn’t believe McPout and Karen when they told me that I was lucky to be single; that I will get to experience that “new relationship” feeling that they won’t get to experience again (since McPout is engaged and Karen is married), but I guess they were right. I know now that I will get to experience that again; maybe not with this guy I’m seeing, but I know that I’m not going to push myself into isolation just because the whole NSN thing didn’t work out.

I’m happy being single, but I’m happy with the knowledge that I can be in a relationship and happy because I know myself a lot better now. I also know that I don’t need a guy or a relationship to be happy.

So I think I’ve reached a good place.

What Happens at College, Stays at College…

November 29, 2007 adventures, college life, dumbass people, friends, good times, so stoopid, updates, videos

Unless, of course, you have a blog. Then it’s exposed for all to see.

November is Dragging On

November 27, 2007 Sarcastica!, changes, college life, dumbass people, growing up, issues, life lessons, milestones, opinions, ranting & raving, updates

This feels like the longest month of my life. It’s been both a sucky month and an amazing month. I’ve had my heart both broken and then repaired again (maybe not fully, but enough) with the knowledge that I am better off. I know that I deserve a hell of a lot better than what I was getting, and I will get that; but I’m comfortable in knowing that I don’t need that right now.

Right now, I need to treat myself good. Right now, I have to focus on school and work and friends. I need to start enjoying school more (which will happen after the break; this week I have group assignments falling out of my ass and I hate group assignments).

I had a meeting yesterday with my house manager. Apparently my co-workers think that I’m doing an amazing job; I’m connecting with everybody and taking initiative, so that was nice to hear. The only person who seems to have a problem with my work ethic is HCW, who bitches about everything - but I don’t care what he says, he’s just a dick and I definitely don’t have a crush on him anymore.

Sure, I still think he’s hot and nice to look at, but there is definitely not anything there. We had a snowball fight after work yesterday (which I lost…by a landslide) and I didn’t feel any kind of spark or connection with him. Just cold ice being shoved down my shirt - not on purpose, he was aiming at my face…trying to make me eat snow. So the crush has officially died.

I don’t think any guys are going to be sparking my interest for a while, and I’m fine with that. Gives me more time for myself and my friends.

Breaking Free

November 25, 2007 FOAD, Sarcastica!, annoyances, changes, dumbass people, friends, issues, life lessons, milestones, ranting & raving, so stoopid, stuff that bites, stupid mistakes, updates

I’m finally free from the imprisionment that is a love lost. I have NSN to thank, for truly opening my eyes to the person he actually is. I no longer wish to pursue anything with him - friendship included - after tonight.

Last night it was established that he would take the money he owes me to my family house, since yesterday he was “unable” to come to my apartment as his car “wouldn’t work on the highway”. I called him at 5pm today, after doing most of my Christmas shopping at Wal-Mart with my mom. I asked him when he was planning on coming over to give me the money. He said “Oh, I’m not coming over…I’m leaving soon…for work…I thought you wanted me to directly deposit it into your account?”

No know you effing don’t. I clearly stated I wanted it dropped off, in person. I clearly said I needed to speak with him regarding the rest of the money (since he wasn’t able to afford paying it all back - which is fine, or was). I chewed him out, and threatened to come down and get it myself. He knew that one of my parents would obviously accompany me since I don’t have a license, so he said he would drive it down.

Half an hour later, he still hadn’t left. He told me he was leaving in “five minutes”. Another half an hour goes by, and Fuzz came over to hang out with me. I called NSN again because Fuzz and I wanted to go out, but I needed the money. NSN said he was 20 minutes away. This is 30 minutes after the second phone call I made. Twenty-five minutes later, he still hadn’t pulled into my driveway…so I gave him yet another call. Fuzz and I wanted to leave. I couldn’t leave until NSN showed up.

NSN told me he had “left it in my mailbox”. I said “well that was brave of you”, and he hung up on me. I tried to call him back to tell him he still needed to pick up his dad’s weed wacker, but he picked up and hung up on me…then turned his cell phone off. When Fuzz and I left, we stopped at the mailbox to find the money tossed inside carelessly - not even in an effing enevelope. Thanks jackass.

I am honestly stunned that NSN turned out the way he did…to not even have the curtosy to break up with me in person OR give me the money he owes me in person. He can’t spare me 5 minutes on the phone and everytime I speak to him he is a complete asshole to me. So I texted him and said “You will give me all the money you owe me, then you will eff right off out of my life.” I mean it. There are no remaining feelings left, and I could care less now that we have ended so badly. It was his own fault.

Anyways, that rant aside…Fuzz and I went and saw American Gangster. It was a really good movie; very gory though. While we were chilling, we obviously started to talk about the recent problems in our life (Fuzz just suffered a disappointment from the girl he likes screwing him over for some drug dealer guy - she’s a “recovering cokehead”, enough said) and I asked Fuzz if he was shocked that NSN turned out the way he did. Fuzz said “To be honest, no. I’ve had a feeling he was going to pull something like this since I first met him. Something didn’t sit well with me.” When I asked why he didn’t tell me, Fuzz said because I seemed so happy and he didn’t want to ruin it by assumptions.

So we now have a pact, I will tell him if the girls he dates are drug addicted bitches and he will tell me if the guys I date are scumbags.

Sitting Here

November 23, 2007 Sarcastica!, annoyances, issues, opinions, ranting & raving, stuff that bites, updates

I am sitting here, trying to think about something to write in this post. There are so many things on my mind that I would love to blog about (since I find blogging ever so therapeutic) but I just can’t. The one thing I want to talk I can’t, as airing that kind of dirty laundry is frowned down upon. I don’t want to piss anybody off…so I won’t say anything about it. Then there is the thing that I always end up talking about. But I refuse to talk about that one thing I always end up talking about today (even though I sort of am). Instead, I’m going to talk about something that I find completely devastating.

According to Stephenie Meyer’s official website, they have hired the actress to play Bella Swan in the Twilight movies. For those of you who missed out on my reviews on all three of the books and don’t know that I am completely obsessed with the Twilight series, an amazing thriller-romance series by Stephenie Meyer - my new favourite author, well go read those posts…or take my word for it. I am completely obsessed with the Twilight series. Those three books were three of the best books I have ever read.

Anyway, for quite some time now, after reading that they were planning on making a movie based on the novel, I have had this silly dream of being the actress who gets to play Bella Swan. If you read the book, and if you read my blog…it’s like Bella Swan was written based on me. Perhaps you’d notice the similarities more if you knew me in person, but in any case…it was my dream to star in the Twilight movies.

But that dream is gone now, because the actress who will be playing Bella Swan in the Twilight movie is Kristen Stewart. She better do a good job, or I’ll be doubly upset.

Ya I know, I am such a loser. This is why I’m sitting at home on a Friday night.

Although I was going to go to a party with that random guy I met on the first day of school way back in September, however plans fell threw…again…just like they fell through the first time we planned to party together. The first time, I had thought he stood me up. So I called Gibby and JD and they came over to hang out with me. Then I got several text messages asking me where I was because he was waiting for me at the school. Opps. This time, the plans fell through because the party moved to a bar.

Oh well. I guess I’ll start research Aboriginal traditional medicines for chronic pain. I have no idea if such things exist yet. My presentation for that class is on Wednesday, and I haven’t started researching yet. I’m frustrated with the group I’m in because they are over complicating things. There are 6 of us in a group, and this one person had the amazing idea of each of us doing our own “section”. There isn’t enough material for that, but whatever. I’ll look anyway.

I’m proud of me for not talking about certain things…is everybody else proud of me?

Maybe I should shut up now…

November 22, 2007 Sarcastica!, insecurties, issues, life lessons, ranting & raving, so stoopid, stuff that bites, stupid mistakes, updates

This post is my 600th post. Holy effing crap. When I started this blog, I never predicted I would have this much to say (or not say?) about my life.

Maybe one day I’ll print off all the worthwhile posts and make a book of it. Or maybe not. Who knows what the future will bring.

So today we are going to talk about how effing stressed out and fed up I am with EVERYTHING. Group projects especially. Apparently, communcating through texting is not a good idea because texts don’t always send in the proper order if you are in an area that doesn’t have great reception. Apparently one of my group members asked me to add more to the paper I wrote for our project that is due today at 4pm. I don’t think so. I had asked both of my group members to add something to the paper, and they both agreed they would. When the one girl told me her computer had crashed, I asked her if she remembered what she had added. She texted me saying “kinda, then add history to our paper”. Um ok? Does that make sense to you? Is that someone clearly asking you to add something to the paper, or does it sort of sound like they are answering your previous question in a somewhat difficult way?

I still haven’t finished - or started - that research paper. I thought I was going home today but it was a snow day and my dad wanted me to stay for dinner. Roomy is emailing me the outline so I can hopefully do it tonight. I don’t care if its crap, I just want it done. So I will do it.

I’m seriously trying to stitch myself back together, but it’s very difficult. I feel like everything in my life is beyond my control, and that if one more thing happens I’ll shatter into a millions of pieces. I feel like already cracked glass…you don’t want to apply too much pressure to it or it’ll just shatter, and all that will be left is the frame.

I feel weak right now, weak and shaky. I’m not the strong person that people think I am…I’m really not. I’m just a crippled, weak person. Broken and alone, isolated and forgotten. Maybe I’m being over dramatic…but I don’t know. It doesn’t feel like I’m being over dramatic.

I’m so sick of crying and hurting and trying and never getting anywhere. I hate that I am my own worst enemy. I sabbage everything for myself; indirectly and directly, subconciously and conciously. It’s not like I want to, but it’s not like I can stop.

I reach out to people who could care less, who don’t have the time or ability to care about me and my “problems”. Problems that could so easily be solved by someone simply just caring. I thought I had that with NSN, I really did. I guess I was wrong in thinking that when you are in love with someone, and they with you, you both help pick each other up when you’re down. You are supportive and loving and there despite all.

But its not just the NSN thing that is hurting me and shattering me; it’s other people in my life too. Other people who aren’t supposed to cause tears. Situations and people that I can’t talk about.

I feel like I’m drowning.

Kidnapped for the night

Sarcastica!, college life, dumbass people, family, issues, life lessons, ranting & raving, updates

Originally, I was supposed to come back home for tonight as my mom was going to book me a doctors appointment and get me in so I could get some needles for my program. However, apparently I already have the needle I thought I needed to get, and they don’t do the TB test on Thursdays - so I have to go to the school to get that.

Then it looked like I wasn’t going to come home at all, because of a major snow storm. But I guess my dad and mom didn’t communicate about it and he was already on his way to pick me up from school, and he had already planned on taking the day off tomorrow.

But everyone was doing their own thing and I was finishing up a paper due in Social Services; so I didn’t really get to hang out with any of the fam. Hopefully tomorrow I can hang out with my dad for a bit.

In NSN news (yay he has a new nickname!), I emailed him and told him that I was not going to play these pathetic little mind games (since he told me he was coming down on Friday and then texted me last night saying he now wasn’t coming down because he had to work). I said [in the email] that if he wanted to be my friend then I would be his friend, if he wanted to be there then he needs to be there, not fuck around with me. I said that I don’t need another friendship that is just going to be a constant disappointment.

Then I went into his email to delete the message, since I spoke to him on the phone. Apparently the conversation he had been wanting to have was just about the money he owes me. Now I don’t want to have the conversation. I bet it will be him just trying to weasel out of paying me back the insane amount of money he owes me. But I won’t have any of it. He will pay back all of it, plus interest. Because I said so. Well, lesson learned; don’t loan money to anybody, no matter how long you’ve been with them. In any case, he will be dropping the money off in an envelope on Friday at my parents house and I will not be calling, texting or emailing him again about anything. I’m done with it, this time for real I hope.

Anyways, I really hate group work. I have group work in every single class and its impossible trying to get everyone together to do it all. But I’m going to stop procrastinating because I really need to do well; finals are in two weeks. Yikes.

I guess I should actually start that research paper; my teacher has given me until Friday…so I should make use of the weeks worth of extra time.

Just Because

November 20, 2007 Sarcastica!, college life, friends, good times, life lessons, pictures, rainbows and butterflies, ranting & raving, updates, work

So Avitable urged me to create this post dedicated to how thoughtful and kind he is - because he actually is. I came home from work this morning to find a huge mother effing box in front of my door!

Avi had purchased a Just Because basket for me, because as he says it: The best antidote to a bad break up is food. So true Avi, so true. Luckily I was able to take some pictures before I devoured it…yum! Thanks again Avi!!! You rock!

(After this picture…I ate it. All. Muhaha)

In not-as-exciting news; I worked with Sherri again last night. She’s totally awesome; except for the lectures on my crush? (not sure if I still have it) on HCW. She keeps telling me to stay far away, because there are certain rules about dating/having flings with co-workers. *Sigh*. Not that it mattered anyway; HCW was unresponsive to my flirting, and I refuse to chase after a rebound. Rebounds should come to you, just like chocolate should…

But we are going bowling with a bunch of other co-workers…and I will be asking him for a ride (since we work the same shift…so why not? I’m rideless if he doesn’t).

But I am thinking about flirting with this adorable Adam Brody look alike; he is exactly like the nerdy Seth Cowan on the OC. Avitable gave me a bunch of reasons why this was so far a good idea of mine…but we’ll see. For now I’m just…I don’t even know. Eating chocolates and other such candy.

And starting that research paper…that was due on Friday. I got an extension though…which means I should probably start it eh? Jesus I’m terrible at this shit. I hate research papers.

Oh ya, I almost forgot; I put in an application for Ford Models. I decided I wanted to try modeling. Why not? I take enough pictures of myself…should get paid for it. I could make more money…and meet cute guys…and make Nifty insanely jealous because he won’t be able to say he’s dating a model because he isn’t. Ya. So keep your fingers crossed for me!

P.S I am sad I didn’t do the whole NaNoWriMo thing; I had a shitload of crap to say this month

Black and Blue

November 19, 2007 Sarcastica!, annoyances, changes, college life, creepy, life lessons, rainbows and butterflies, stuff that bites, updates, work

I am utterly and completely exhausted. I’m ditching classes today because I know that I would fall asleep in them. My first class is a Communication’s lecture; we’re learning about pronouns. I think it’s safe to skip that one. My second and last class of the day is Computers, and I really can’t tell with that teacher today. I swear I would probably bite her head off if she uttered a single word. Her voice is just so annoying and gah!!

Anyways, I worked last night. From 2pm until 8am this morning; I was the one-on-one to a resident to ensure he was having fun and not getting into trouble from 2pm until 10pm. I also brushed all the residents teeth before bed. That’s when my stupidity made itself apparent yet again.

I forgot that one of our residents is a biter if given the opportunity. While brushing his teeth, I decided to stick my finger in his mouth to part his lips more so I could clean the back of his teeth. Stupid move. Obviously, he bit down; and hard. I said “Ow, quite biting me” and tried to pull my finger out. It took a minute, but I finally pulled it loose. It hurt so much, and I had to hold back tears because not only was HCW in the bathroom brushing teeth with me, but he was brushing the teeth of Mr. Freakout and if I were to cry he would have gone crazy.

But at least I wasn’t the only dense person in that bathroom. HCW asked “what’s wrong with you?” and I told him that I just got bite, which would explain me saying “Ow, quite biting me” and me swearing. HCW then asked me if I had just gotten bitten. Um, ya. Dumbass. Lucky you’re hot.

I almost had to go to the hospital. The shift head said that any open bite wounds ended up in a trip to the hospital. Luckily, mine wasn’t open. It only bleed because I pulled it out, not because the resident had broken my skin. It still hurts like a bitch though, and it’s black and blue. But I learned my lesson. I also learned thanks to the shift head that I should not have pulled my finger out but rather pinched his nose or pretended to bite him back. HCW couldn’t have told me that though when he was standing right beside me. Nope.

But the rest of the night was okay. After everyone was in bed, HCW and I did a bit of flirting - I think. He told me scary stories and we heard noises from the basement so we went to go check it out. Then he laughed at me because I ran upstairs haha. When he did grocery shopping he picked me up a coffee from Tims, then locked me outside. As I was opening the door with my key, he was joking around and pushed it shut, causing my coffee to spill on me and the key in the doorknob to stab my hand. He felt bad, but serves him right.

So at least I’m talking to him now, and I don’t think he hates me. I told him he always looks pissed off, and he said a lot of people said that but he rarely was.

And we’re going bowling! Well maybe. A bunch of people who I work with and I decided we should go bowling on a day we all have off; so we’re going on the 8th!

Damnit my finger hurts so much. I’m going to bed.

P.S I am super amused that one of my categories for this post is “stuff that bites” because boy, some stuff really does bite!

Some Things Don’t Change

November 18, 2007 Sarcastica!, changes, growing up, insecurties, issues, life lessons, opinions, ranting & raving, stuff that bites, updates

I spoke with Nifty on the phone last night. I wanted to find out why he hasn’t called me once after dumping me harshly over the phone. I know, I should have stuck to not talking to him, but it’s eating me up inside. I take everything to heart; especially breakups, so obviously this is and will be on my mind until the air is cleared. The air is definitely not cleared yet.

The conversation wasn’t like the other ones, where he did everything to avoid my questions and get me off the phone. He said he got my letter, and read it. I asked him why he didn’t call, and he said “Why would I want to call when you sent me a letter talking about what an asshole I am?” so I explained to him that the purpose of the letter was not to give him a million reasons why he’s an asshole, but to prove a point; that I was not the only person who screwed up in this relationship. In fact, my screw ups were a lot smaller then his screw ups. He said he understood that after he had read the whole thing carefully again.

He told me he was coming down on Friday if his new car is ready by then and we were going to talk things through. I didn’t suggest him coming over, he suggested it himself. I feel that I am ready to see him without falling apart. I feel that I need to see him and get all this sorted out so I can understand all those why questions I have. Before we got off the phone, I asked him if he still had feelings for me, I said that I feel stupid still caring about him if he doesn’t care about me. He said he still has feelings for me as if I was a crazy person for suggesting he didn’t.

So if he gets his car by Friday, he may be coming down to see me so we can talk things out. I have no idea how this conversation is going to go or where it will lead. I know that I will not be able to take him back (unless he worked really hard to prove to me that he had changed, even then it’s a slim chance), and I highly doubt he wants to get back with me. But I was so upset because I did not want my last memories of him to be a phone call at 12am to break my heart. I didn’t want my broken heart to twist everything into a pile of lies so that my only remaining feelings would be hatred. I want to keep all those moments in my heart, and cherish all the time I spent with him.

I still want to be his friend, but I’m not sure I know how to do that…at least not right now. I can’t see myself calling him for a chat. I can’t see him calling me for a chat. Not at this point, but like I said, I just want to part on friendly terms. I want my thoughts of my first love to be amazing ones.

I don’t want to forget any moments with him, because they were nice moments. Like when my foot cramped up, and that semi-formal he made amazing, and so many other moments and days. I don’t want to cloud those ones with the bad ones. I guess people just drift apart sometimes and fall out of love.

Anyways, I really need to get started on my research paper. I have until tomorrow to do it and I really haven’t gotten anywhere on it (except for the introduction).