Truthfully Honestly
October 29, 2007
For the moment I have pushed aside the worries and frustrations over the assignments and due dates. I can’t really concentrate right now anyway; Mrs. Landlordy is having a social call in “my” living room with somebody while the day care kids sleep. I don’t know who, since I refuse to go out of my bedroom - even to use the bathroom. I’m thinking about just getting a chamber pot and a mini fridge for my bedroom. Then I’ll be set. I do really like Mr. and Mrs. Landlordy; but the noise during the day is completely unbearable.
But anyways, that isn’t what I wanted to talk about. I am not entirely sure what I wanted to talk about today, since there are a kazillion thoughts and worries on my mind currently. It’s difficult to tell which one is causing the most trouble for me, as they all seem to blend together until its just one gigantic clump of bothersome problems and issues.
One of them is my thought that I am socially damaged. I think that the incident with the mean girls has resulted in all the girls in my program labeling me as the “exiled one”. Even the ones who are nice to me and who I think are ok don’t seem to consider me part of any of their “cliques”. I know it’s stupid, but on the Top Friends on Facebook I had added a couple girls who I thought were cool, but they all didn’t add me even though they had all added each other. I know, it’s stupid to let a Facebook top friend status bother me, but it did. All the girls in my program are friends, but just not with me. Do you see why it could be slightly upsetting?
Look at it this way; I am in a new town, away from my family. Everything is new. I am completely out of place and out of my element. So are most of the other girls in my program, but instead of helping me out after knowing what it feels like, they seem to go against me. Yes, they will have conversations with me - but they don’t want to be friends with me. I can hear the fake tones in their voices when they talk to me, and I notice that if I start to talk about something (like an assignment I’m having trouble with) their eyes begin to wander and they say “Oh really?” and “Ya” a lot. Clearly signs of not wanting to talk to me, but also not wanting to be rude in case it damages their status as nice girls.
It is really hard not having anybody to talk to, and as a result of feeling merely “put up with”, I have sort of put up a slight wall. Nothing big; I still talk to those who say hi to me, but I refuse to let them in. Why would you open the door wide to someone who could quite possibly rob you of more self esteem by pretending to be your friend and then completely turning around and saying you are a demanding, annoying person who gets on their nerves after you did nothing but be kind, with no demands or anything?
Truthfully, it still bothers me. Only because I have yet to fit in with anybody. I always feel out of place and put up with. I can’t figure out why my “amazing personality” is failing me. I am kind to everyone, and very non-judgmental. I give the benefit of the doubt and give everybody a chance. So why am I so annoying and demanding? I never ask anything of anybody that I do not feel 100% comfortable with, and obviously I have yet to feel 100% comfortable with anybody. I also don’t understand why Gretchen went from telling me all about her depression, eating problems and how she was sexually assaulted to agreeing with everything that Regina said about me being annoying and demanding. This is after I listened to her problems and told her that I didn’t think any less of her for havin an eating disorder and being depressed. This is after we talked about how she was raped. Gretchen was the one who started the whole conversation, not me. I didn’t push her to tell me anything about herself.
Now Gretchen only talks to me randomly when nobody else is around. She is one of the people who will ask me about my day and not care about the response. It is very obvious that she is merely talking to me because she feels bad about the whole incident and wants to feel good about herself in her eyes. Regina never talks to me, but still commonly gives me very dirty looks. The girl who was “neutral” about everything treats me much like Gretchen and Regina at the same time; she’ll occasionally talk to me if no one else is around, but more commonly gives me dirty looks.
Then there is the whole really missing Nifty thing. He works full time, and is always very tired. Our conversations are not nearly as long as they used to be. We see each other roughly once a week. It is harder for me because I have nobody else to talk to that I fully trust. He has all of his friends. All mine are back home or going to college and busy with their new lives. My cousin, Karen, tells me that I need to start hanging out with people and making new friends. How do you do that when your in exile thanks to the mean girls? I can’t make friends with people who don’t want to get to know me. Hell I would love to go out more and have fun and talk to other people other then Nifty, but I don’t really have anybody.
I don’t want to be forever unloading problems on Roomy because I worry about scaring her away too. Yes, we do talk, but I don’t discuss any of my real problems. Since the whole incident with the mean girls, I’ve been careful about actually sounding too annoying and demanding.
This is why I am glad to have the group home job and I don’t want to quit it, although my parents would like me to. When I am working, I can honestly forget about my seriously lacking social life and I can forget about only talking to Nifty for a total of 10 minutes a day and seeing him only once a week. I can focus on something other then my own problems, and it feels good to forget.
But when I am alone, I feel so isolated. I used to love being alone; I could go online or read books and do whatever I felt like doing. But I always had the option of hanging out with friends; I always had somebody to call. Not anymore though, not anymore.
October 29th, 2007 at 5:47 pm
< ![CDATA[That really sucks, I'm sorry. Girls can be so stupid. I had trouble adjusting the first time I went to college, and I was dumb and dropped out. Thankfully you're smarter than that.]]>
October 30th, 2007 at 2:07 am
< ![CDATA[I had these same problems back when I went to college 20+years ago) times 10 as I was a short,bespeckled and balding guy! Obviously this is NOT the right crowd for you! Go, get outside of yourself, find somewhere that either feels like home, a new hobby, volunteer, whatever but rather then live with assholes-follow your bliss-mind over matter-you don't mind 'cause they don't matter I have found since that if they don't "get" you-they Never will and you're too intelligent to let that happen. Illegtamae Non Carborundum - don't let the bastards wear you down!]]>
October 30th, 2007 at 8:23 am
< ![CDATA[Amanda; it does really suck, and girls generally are so stupid - although there are a few out there who aren’t (like us).
Wildbill; How do you know I’m not short and balding? :O just kidding, well I am short. I agree that they aren’t the right crowd; what I’m thinking though is that there isn’t a right crowd for me.]]>
October 30th, 2007 at 8:44 am
< ![CDATA[What's with the need to be in a "crowd"? It's a big world out there, go and explore, meet people whose minds are open.
The mean girl clique are not as happy as they pretend, so I don't understand why a smart cookie like you is bothered by them.]]>
October 30th, 2007 at 9:14 am
< ![CDATA[Toby; it isn’t a “need” to be in a crowd, its a want to make new friends, but all those friends are already in a crowd with no room for me.
It isn’t just the Regina/Gretchen/Switzerland clique; its every single girl in the class - nice or not. I would hang out with guys but there aren’t any in my program really. Even they stick together and only talk to themselves.]]>
October 30th, 2007 at 10:00 am
< ![CDATA[uh, I know you're not bald 'cause you got pics? Seriously 'tho, so nobody in your class "gets" you. What's the Worry? You will discover that many folks will (or won't) so the best thing is just to be yourself without worring about it! My advice is sound: go find people who do "get" you and don't care about the others! Take my Advice- I'm not using it! LOL!]]>
October 30th, 2007 at 1:49 pm
< ![CDATA[Don't worry - you'll slowly make friends that are genuine friends, not shallow little fuckers. It happens. In the meantime, vent all you want on your blog, or make video posts, or things like that - it can help you feel like you're not burdening your roommate.
College is tough for everyone at first, even those people who are in the cliques. It will definitely get easier.]]>
October 30th, 2007 at 1:50 pm
< ![CDATA[{{{HUGS}}}
I'm sorry you're stuck being surrounded by a bunch of bitches (and I rarely ever use that word). I'm a loner by nature, so I don't know if my advice is going to make sense or not, but first of all, I think you should do your best not to internalize the fact that you're not making new friends right now. You can be a great person and have a great personality and still be not be accepted by someone because that someone isn't a good person, is too concerned with following the crowd, or is just plain dumb. When you meet someone, instead of worrying about whether or not they're going to like you, treat it like a test for THEM, not you. Are THEY worth being friends with? I think it's good that you have limits on what you share with people at first, but don't let it be too much of a wall that keeps anyone from getting to know you at least a little.
I think, and this is just a theory, that you'd have a good chance of meeting worthwhile people at a volunteer activity you enjoy. They're not getting paid to be there, and unless they're doing it because they're required to, at least some people who are caring, not self-centered, and share the same interest(s) as you. If not, then you're still doing something you enjoy. I know it's hard to make time for that while you're in school and working, but maybe you can volunteer during academic breaks after exams, and keep in touch with people you meet throughout the year.]]>
October 30th, 2007 at 2:19 pm
< ![CDATA[Sorry you are feeling lonely. Sometimes going to a new place can feel very isolating - but you DO have friends in the computer - look at all these comments. And sooner than you think, you will meet the right people, not just the "nice" people. Hang in there.]]>
October 30th, 2007 at 8:25 pm
< ![CDATA[Wildbill; never assume peoples pictures are actually of them, however in this case you are right. I’m not bald. But I am short! And my thought is simply how can you make college memories without the friends? I don’t want to look back and think “OMG remember that one time when I was online and then this happened and I was like woah!”, do you know what I mean?
Avitable; very fair advice! Who doesn’t love a good blog vent every now and again? And I promise to make a couple crazy video blogs, maybe of me telling jokes, eventually. After this week is over. I sincerely hope you are right about college getting easier!
Girl, Dislocated; awesome tips! Although you are right about working and college work being too much, so right now I don’t really have the energy to volunteer. However, I still go to the occasional camping weekend with my rec group, so I do get some social interactions. I just get lonely up north because there isn’t really anything for me to do. Other then download like 50 bucks worth of iTunes.
Nina; True say! I shall try my hardest to hang in ;)]]>
October 31st, 2007 at 6:07 am
< ![CDATA[Who would bother to put up somone else's pics on their blog? What you will remember about college is about how those folks didn't get you so you put your nose in the book so you can get what you came for! Let those folks waste their time while you go for it! Seriously, College is about finding out about how to think, how to process,How to Deal, What moves/motivates you, etc...
You will find that in the real world, you won't always get along with your co-workers, patients, neighbors or clients. Sometimes you'll have to supervise others or be put into situations that require tact,nuance and the ability to put personal feelings aside in order to properly handle things. You might as well get used to the idea now that you ARE strong enough to make this work. It also make those situations where you can truly relax with real friends that much the sweeter. No wonder Adults like to take a break!]]>
November 3rd, 2007 at 11:03 pm
< ![CDATA[Look outside of your program of study for new friends. Hang around campus more and stay near the common areas where many students gather . . . I'm not sure how the campus is set up where you are, but if there's a student center or rec center or a big place where they all go to eat, hang out there. Look around for postings about clubs or groups, find THINGS that you're interested in, check them out, and see if there are any PEOPLE there who interest you also.
Take some time and go downtown, walk around, look for shops, take a camera and photograph your activities . . . what you see, what strikes you in certain ways. If it's too cold, see if there's a museum around or something indoors where you can go and just walk around and be with yourself, not concentrating on the group so much.
When you find that you have to be part of a group for projects and whatnot, try to treat it as "strictly business". Start separating the actual business of college from your personal experiences; it's good training for the real world and being able to leave your job at the office and not bring it home to your family.
Try not to let the bitches get to you. I know that's easier said than done, but I'm having the same problem at work right now, and I HAVE to set my mind to not letting that shit get to me; otherwise, I might as well call in sick. I only have one bitch, you have a group, but you don't need to be part of that group. Start your own group.
And will someone please knock me the hell off of my soapbox for Christ's sake!]]>
November 4th, 2007 at 11:20 am
< ![CDATA[Wild Bill; you would be surprised how many people put up pictures of “themselves” that aren’t really them. This is the internet, anything can happen and most often it does.
Vulgar Wizard; you are forgetting the fact that with college studies come A LOT of assignments and due dates and tests; there isn’t any time left for clubs between working and school. Don’t worry, I’m sure I’ll find a way. You did have great advice though, so I shall knock you the hell off your soapbox. ;)]]>