Ok so I finally finished that community scan project that was due in Aboriginal Emphasis today. I have a splitting headache and I have to go to work for 1opm tonight. Yah, it’s another overnight sleep so I’ll be getting paid to sleep…but still, I don’t actually sleep during overnight sleeps.
I’m like The Princess and the Pea. I need a really comfortable bed in order to sleep peacefully, or I get a horrible nights rest - if anything. But there is someone really cool working. I worked with her on my first ever overnight sleep, and we got along great. She’s the first person I’ve met in this town who I can actually say I get along with perfectly fine. She doesn’t get on my nerves in anyway, and we are a lot a like; sarcastic, cynically, and sick of girl bull. I know, I’ve heard a million times from catty chicks that they hate drama, then they turn around and GIVE it, but I don’t think that this girl is like that. For starters, she’s 28 and seems older then that because of the way she acts.
Plus she cooks me really good food. Well not me per say but the food she cooks is amazing none the less!
Anyways, I have half an hour to get my other assignment started. It’s due tomorrow and I really do not want to do it. Apparently it requires a lot of research and I effing hate research. If I liked researching things, I would become a good damn researcher!
But enough babbling. I’m tired. I hope everyone else is enjoying Halloween tonight; let me know how much fun you had kay, cause I sure as heck didn’t have any. Although there is a CSI special on at 10 tonight; I’m going to watch it from the overnight sleep room. Nobody better puke tonight or I’ll smash some heads together.
I can predict in the near future that I will be out of money, all thanks to my new obsession with iTunes. I can’t help it! Any song I want for just 99 cents!?! Heck yes I’m going to buy 36 of them! Isn’t it better then buying a CD with one or two songs that I like for 20 bucks and hating the rest?
Here is what I bought yesterday alone;
Hate That I Love You - Rihanna and Ne Yo
Bubbly - Colbie Caillat
Don’t Stop the Music - Rihanna
Hot - Avril Lavigne (I totally know her cousin by the way)
Walking Disaster - Sum 41
Don’t Blink - Kenny Chesney
All I Ever Wanted - Brian Melo
Clothes Off! - Gym Class Heroes
Hide and Seek - Imogen Heap
Then I forced myself to turn off my computer. Because I probably wouldn’t have stopped if I kept it on. I love all those songs, they all have catchy beats and lyrics. If you don’t have them, get them. If you don’t like them, smack yourself. I would totally be dancing right now if my back wasn’t killing me. But alas, it is.
Anyways, today I was absolutely exhausted. I almost fell asleep in my Human Growth and Development lecture. During the four hour break, I fought sleep and worked on my Psychology research paper questions. Finally, I knew I had to go home so I skipped out on my last class. I fell asleep waiting for the bus, and then again several times while on the bus. The second I got home, I went to sleep. Two hours went by so quickly and it felt like I had only closed my eyes before I woke up to Roomy’s mom calling. Then Mrs. Landlordy took me grocery shopping because I had like nothing to eat. I should have taken a picture of my refrigerator before I bought stuff, it was so empty except for moldy mushrooms, an old pop from A&W, pickles, and juice. Yah. Pathetic. But I stocked up on everything - including ice cream - so I’m set for the next while.
And I am actually going to try. I bought chicken, which I put in the freezer and plan on cooking when Nifty comes over on Thursday. Roomy and I are planning on having tacos tomorrow night, so I got the essentials for that. I’m improving. Although I did only have a tomato and cheese sandwich for dinner - I’m not feeling so great.
I spoke to my cousin Piglet tonight on the phone. She moved out of the province and in with her boyfriend of 7 months. She’s doing great. Piglet and I used to be really tight, and we saw a lot of each other growing up. I miss hearing from her, and since we’ve gotten older we haven’t really talked a lot. But it was good hearing from her tonight.
I’m thinking that I am going to go and visit her in Manitoba. I have always wanted to go to Manitoba, and all the other provinces in Canada. I think it would be really fun to go on an all out Canada road trip. I have family in British Columbia too, and a friend from the recreational group that I’m sure would offer me a place to stay while I toured BC. And seeing Piglet’s house (and meeting her boyfriend) would be cool too.
I really want to travel before I settle down. I don’t know how I would afford it, but I really want to do it. I’m so jealous because B1 is going on a vacation with her boyfriend. I want a vacation! Grr.
Anyways, I’ll leave you all with this one last thought…
For the moment I have pushed aside the worries and frustrations over the assignments and due dates. I can’t really concentrate right now anyway; Mrs. Landlordy is having a social call in “my” living room with somebody while the day care kids sleep. I don’t know who, since I refuse to go out of my bedroom - even to use the bathroom. I’m thinking about just getting a chamber pot and a mini fridge for my bedroom. Then I’ll be set. I do really like Mr. and Mrs. Landlordy; but the noise during the day is completely unbearable.
But anyways, that isn’t what I wanted to talk about. I am not entirely sure what I wanted to talk about today, since there are a kazillion thoughts and worries on my mind currently. It’s difficult to tell which one is causing the most trouble for me, as they all seem to blend together until its just one gigantic clump of bothersome problems and issues.
One of them is my thought that I am socially damaged. I think that the incident with the mean girls has resulted in all the girls in my program labeling me as the “exiled one”. Even the ones who are nice to me and who I think are ok don’t seem to consider me part of any of their “cliques”. I know it’s stupid, but on the Top Friends on Facebook I had added a couple girls who I thought were cool, but they all didn’t add me even though they had all added each other. I know, it’s stupid to let a Facebook top friend status bother me, but it did. All the girls in my program are friends, but just not with me. Do you see why it could be slightly upsetting?
Look at it this way; I am in a new town, away from my family. Everything is new. I am completely out of place and out of my element. So are most of the other girls in my program, but instead of helping me out after knowing what it feels like, they seem to go against me. Yes, they will have conversations with me - but they don’t want to be friends with me. I can hear the fake tones in their voices when they talk to me, and I notice that if I start to talk about something (like an assignment I’m having trouble with) their eyes begin to wander and they say “Oh really?” and “Ya” a lot. Clearly signs of not wanting to talk to me, but also not wanting to be rude in case it damages their status as nice girls.
It is really hard not having anybody to talk to, and as a result of feeling merely “put up with”, I have sort of put up a slight wall. Nothing big; I still talk to those who say hi to me, but I refuse to let them in. Why would you open the door wide to someone who could quite possibly rob you of more self esteem by pretending to be your friend and then completely turning around and saying you are a demanding, annoying person who gets on their nerves after you did nothing but be kind, with no demands or anything?
Truthfully, it still bothers me. Only because I have yet to fit in with anybody. I always feel out of place and put up with. I can’t figure out why my “amazing personality” is failing me. I am kind to everyone, and very non-judgmental. I give the benefit of the doubt and give everybody a chance. So why am I so annoying and demanding? I never ask anything of anybody that I do not feel 100% comfortable with, and obviously I have yet to feel 100% comfortable with anybody. I also don’t understand why Gretchen went from telling me all about her depression, eating problems and how she was sexually assaulted to agreeing with everything that Regina said about me being annoying and demanding. This is after I listened to her problems and told her that I didn’t think any less of her for havin an eating disorder and being depressed. This is after we talked about how she was raped. Gretchen was the one who started the whole conversation, not me. I didn’t push her to tell me anything about herself.
Now Gretchen only talks to me randomly when nobody else is around. She is one of the people who will ask me about my day and not care about the response. It is very obvious that she is merely talking to me because she feels bad about the whole incident and wants to feel good about herself in her eyes. Regina never talks to me, but still commonly gives me very dirty looks. The girl who was “neutral” about everything treats me much like Gretchen and Regina at the same time; she’ll occasionally talk to me if no one else is around, but more commonly gives me dirty looks.
Then there is the whole really missing Nifty thing. He works full time, and is always very tired. Our conversations are not nearly as long as they used to be. We see each other roughly once a week. It is harder for me because I have nobody else to talk to that I fully trust. He has all of his friends. All mine are back home or going to college and busy with their new lives. My cousin, Karen, tells me that I need to start hanging out with people and making new friends. How do you do that when your in exile thanks to the mean girls? I can’t make friends with people who don’t want to get to know me. Hell I would love to go out more and have fun and talk to other people other then Nifty, but I don’t really have anybody.
I don’t want to be forever unloading problems on Roomy because I worry about scaring her away too. Yes, we do talk, but I don’t discuss any of my real problems. Since the whole incident with the mean girls, I’ve been careful about actually sounding too annoying and demanding.
This is why I am glad to have the group home job and I don’t want to quit it, although my parents would like me to. When I am working, I can honestly forget about my seriously lacking social life and I can forget about only talking to Nifty for a total of 10 minutes a day and seeing him only once a week. I can focus on something other then my own problems, and it feels good to forget.
But when I am alone, I feel so isolated. I used to love being alone; I could go online or read books and do whatever I felt like doing. But I always had the option of hanging out with friends; I always had somebody to call. Not anymore though, not anymore.
I have two major assignments due this week, both of which I haven’t started yet. I don’t know where the week has gone; but it is gone. Tomorrow classes start up again. I really didn’t have a good reading week. In fact, it sucked balls. I started it out with damaging my back, then working practically every day - which didn’t help my back. Don’t get me wrong, I love my new job and I’ve grown very attached to the residents. I could go without the inner worker drama and gossiping though. The three girls I worked with today spent all day doing that and anytime they did interact with the guys it was to yell at them for something. So that was a piss off.
It’s also annoying being the “low man” on the totem pole. I’m used to running the show, and I don’t do that here. I mostly just do laundry; assist with feeding; hang out with the guys; and disinfect everything. Plus the daily student job (today I vacuumed the van).
But I do love it. I wish I had more hours in the day though; I’m way to exhausted to start all those assignments. Maybe I’ll have an hour nap and get up to do them. That sounds like a plan. I know I have to do them today - or at least start them - but I also know that I am so tired from not sleeping very well (thanks to back pain and ghosts) and would most likely do a crap job if I were to do them now.
I still have to pick up my police record check. And tomorrow I have to skip my communications lecture to go with a classmate to a local reserve to talk to the chief. I can’t start the assignment until I do that, and I’ve emailed my instructor (the nicer of the two) to explain my situation and see if I would lose marks for it possibly being late.
And yesterday was McPout’s party; it was looking pretty fun when I had to leave at 10pm because Nifty could only drive me back home at that time. I don’t know how the rest of it went but I had fun.
Anyways I’m going to go nap for a bit, then get started on my homework.
That song has been stuck in my head since Thursday because I made a wicked cool dance to it with several members and volunteers from the Rec group. I think it is a very suitable title, so suck it.
Sorry, I am very cranky. My back is still in an ever unholy amount of pain, and I can’t even go to get it checked out - I can’t find my stupid health card. I know where it is - in the black wallet with gray squares - but I don’t know where that is. And I won’t be spending the day sleeping or doing homework, like I should, because McPout needs help setting up for her huge Halloween party tonight.
Lately, I have not had good luck. Reading week has been a horrible time for me. I started it out with getting sat on and then hurting my back more and more each day at work.
Then there was last night. Oh last night. I was supposed to work a 5 hour shift and go home to bed. The person who was scheduled to work the overnight sleep wasn’t able to come in, so they asked me if I could. I figured, why the heck not? Sleep for 7 hours and make 50 bucks, then work for 2 hours and get paid my hourly wage. It’s easy money.
How was I supposed to know that I wouldn’t get to sleep at all really? I didn’t know the damn place is like haunted. How else could you explain the child’s laughter coming from the basement when all residents were sleeping? Or the smell of a funeral home in the overnight sleep room? Or the generally uncomfortable feeling one gets when being anywhere near that area of the house?
So instead, I kept the full time night shift girl company. We shared spooky stories - which didn’t help me get to sleep at all - and she was kind enough to give me information I would actually find useful. Such as what sets off a psychotic resident. You know, stuff that would come in handy. Then around 3:30 in the morning, I finally gave up and went down to the really creepy overnight sleep room. It was that or expose myself to a somewhat dangerous situation. I kept the TV on loud and the lights on. I woke up every hour on the hour and felt totally uncomfortable all night morning long.
Now my mom is coming to pick me up, and then I have to go help McPout set up. I’m going to sleep on the way, sorry McPout! I need it! I really do!
But I’ll leave you all with this wicked picture of the costume:
Oh the joys of being home! A dialup connection, spending the day rather alone because everybody is working or in school, and no good snack food to top it off! Of course we can’t forget my already aching back and hip, so we’ll throw that into the mix as well. Now I’m just one huge ball of complaints!
Work was pretty good, aside for a few mishaps. Nothing on my part, just some crappy medical happenings with a resident. I worked with a guy from my program, and that was pretty cool. I forgot he knew my name, since we don’t ever talk in class. But he seems friendly enough, and he’s great with all the residents. So maybe I’ll actually make friends with him so I have someone to talk to during the day (since all the people in my program are conceeded little bitches fake people).
Speaking of my program, I have yet to start on any of my assignments. I’ve barely given it a day of thought really. I want a break from all the assignments and work, so I’m just going to put it off until the weekend. Then I’ll do it.
Tonight I am finally going to visit my doctor and hopefully get an x-ray of my back, in which the pain level has increased. I blame working, and being pushed last night, and not putting ice on it when it happened. Yeah, I’m smart eh?
But I really like working. I love the job, and I like feeling as if I’m doing something good - which I am. I’ve already learned a lot (like how to do laundry) and I know I will learn more. So I’ll welcome the back pain if it means that by working, I’m doing good.
And tonight I get to go to the rec group Halloween Dance. I’m so excited! I can’t wait! I’ve already started getting ready (by painting my nails black haha) and I plan on taking a lot of pictures. B2 bought really wicked new knee boots, and if only they were a size bigger I would totally wear them because they would make my costume all the more better. Oh well, I’ll settle for those flats and not end up breaking my toes or ankles in the too-small boots.
In case it wasn’t already obvious, I am bloody bored. There isn’t anything for me to do right now. Nobody is home. I wish I had brought my assignments; I surely would have worked on them while I waited for my gorgeous mommy to get home. Then we are going to the walk in clinic.
Well I’m going to go read Somebody, Somewhere by Donna Williams. I ordered it from Barns and Noble after reading about it in my Psychology text book; it is written by a woman with autism. So far, it has been totally interesting; and I recommend reading it to anybody who is interested in learning more about autism and what it feels like.
On a completely different note; remind me never to have kids. Kthanx.
I have decided I’m not going to quit. I talked it out with the house manager, and now have a clearer idea of what is expected of me. It certainly isn’t picking people up. Unfortunately I guess the guy who was showing me the ropes on my first day does it because it is the easy way out. I think I shall disregard a lot of what he said, as it didn’t sound right to my own ears and eyes.
My second shift was a lot better. I am 90% more comfortable there, and can stand up for myself on my own without having anybody rush to my assistance.
After work last night, Nifty was waiting in the drive way - fast asleep in his car. Heh. We picked up some things from the grocery store and the drug store, and then he made me a yummy chicken caesar salad! And set off the fire alarms, of course. It wouldn’t Nifty cooking without the fire alarms going off! And no, he didn’t burn anything.
Tomorrow is my day off!!! I’m excited. I think I might finally get to see a doctor at some point, some where. I think I probably should get an x-ray of my back. I was supposed to go to a reserve with a couple classmates to start that assignment that is due on the 31st - gasp! Just a week away! - but I’m really thinking I need that x-ray. They said they would share all the information they get with me, and I’ll use my spectacular writing skills to make it seem as if I was really there! I’m sad that I am going to miss out on going to a reserve and getting the information first hand, but the back? Little more important no? Considering I have left it so long and tomorrow is my only day off to actually go and get results?
And tomorrow is also the Halloween Dance at the rec group. My costume is going to kick ass! I bought this hair wax stuff and I’m gonna make my hair all crazy and shit. I also bought black lipstick, eyeshadow, nail polish, and liquid eyeliner to help with my “fallen fairy” look. Pictures will be posted!
Annnd I think I might have dislocated my hip somehow. Or pulled a muscle real bad. It’s aching something fierce today. Oh lordy, what are we going to do with me? I thought I mentioned a million times I wanted a health issue free year? I think I was denied that again. This year. Oh well, at least I have Lindor milk chocolates! YUM! How can life suck when you’re eating amazing chocolate for breakfast?! It can’t!
Oh ya, and can’t forget this! For your viewing pleasure only:
He’s totally the new Weird Al.
P.S. I ordered that coat. It came to damn well near 207 bucks, but that’s my Christmas present from Nifty
So this job is way more intense then I imagined it would be. It’s also more physical than I was told it would be. I can barely do half the stuff the other 3rd staff was doing, and I’m paying for what little things I did do today. In agony. I still haven’t had my back looked at yet, and I’m thinking I should probably do that soon. Maybe Thursday on my day off, if things haven’t improved yet.
I am fighting myself internally about resigning. I really don’t want to, because I just started working. Yesterday was only my first day. I want to give this job more time before I run for the hills. I hate quitting at anything. I need to work because I do need the extra money. Ya, OSAP did come in but that’s only going to be enough to pay for my rent and groceries. I need some extra leeway money for entertainment and just to have on hand. I also want to start saving my money. I plan on going on a vacation over the March break with Nifty. We won’t leave Canada, but it will still be nice to get away from school and work.
I work again at 3pm. Until 8. Then Nifty is coming over for a couple of hours. I hope I will actually be able to move by the end of this shift. Walking home yesterday was so difficult! It’s really hard too, because the residents are all non-verbal so I’m having fun trying to get to know them without interruptions from my co-workers telling me I’m doing something wrong.
If I had any doubts about going back to that recreational group, I don’t anymore. This summer, that’s where I’ll be…making two-fifty more an hour instead of slaving my bum off at the group home for less. Well, thats if the place is still afloat, since the board and OB are running it solidly into the ground with their stupid, careless decisions.
Whatever. I just want the paycheck. And the interactions with the members. But the paycheck will help me out next year, especially if I hide all my money in my investment account and don’t touch it. Even if I just split half my paycheck, I would be saving over three thousand bucks by the end of the summer. And there is less of a chance of me hurting myself, right? Well, if I avoid getting sat on anyway.
Today I am mourning the bloggy death of my lovely cousin Karen, whom has decided she will blog no more. My dear cousin is busy with her kids and her life, and is simply done with blogging. Just to clear this up; she is not leaving for any of the crap that’s been around, but merely because it is something she has been thinking about for quite some time and the moment was right. She’s right in saying that blogging does take up a lot of time, how many times have I avoided doing a paper because I wanted to blog? In any case, I’m going to miss her quirky posts, but I respect her decision.
I just wish that Internet drama did not exist. Isn’t it enough that we have to put up with it in our daily lives? Why must I come online and read about it? Although I suppose a lot of people would be out of things to blog about. Some people feed off of drama like leeches feed off of blood. I just find it pathetic. I have never started a war with someone over the Internet because I disliked what they did with their blog or how they wrote it, and I have never had a war started with me over the Internet because someone disliked my blog and it’s content. I’m above that; I know that everybody has different opinions and you can’t expect the world to like you. Not every Jo Dick Jane is going to love my blog. I get that, I respect that, and wtf ever.
Anyways, I’m going to go and eat. And ingest a lot of Robax since you can’t get Aleve in Canada even though Robax does shit all for back pain.
How was your weekend? Mine was just great. I’m pretty sure that I came out of it with a spinal injury. You know that you had an awesome weekend when…
Ok, so what happened was I went camping with the recreational group I worked at over the summer. KIAB picked me up on her way down from school, and we got at the cabin around 11pm. I hung out with those who were up for a bit, then I went to bed. Saturday I got up at 6am to help assist KIAB and D take one of the wheelchair members to the bathroom. I went to bed for a bit, then I got up to help with breakfast. I was the bacon maker.
Saturday went by pretty quick. I spent the day hanging out with the members and other volunteers. I was only supposed to stay until 7pm, then Nifty was going to pick me up and take me home. However, around 5pm I was down in the basement with 3 other volunteers and 5 members. One of the volunteers and I were goofing around. She was pulling my sweater hood over my head, and I was doing the same to her. Everybody was laughing and having fun.
Then we were tackled by two of the rougher male members. Unfortunately, my head was slightly down and most of their weight was on me and my neck. I felt two pops in my back and then extreme pain. I couldn’t get up for several minutes. Bossman came down and cleared the room and stood me up after I was finally able to move my legs. I didn’t want to be on the ground anymore because it was extremely uncomfortable. Bossman had to stand me up by supporting my back. Then he checked it and told me that it was swelling in the area that I felt the pop and pain. He said I most likely cracked a disc in my spine.
Great. I start working tomorrow at the group home. There is no way in hellI’m going to call in on my first day. Nifty tried to convince me to go to the hospital, but I claimed I didn’t have my health card (haha it was in my purse the whole time). I didn’t want to go because I knew it would be a lot of waiting, and he had to work at 9pm - he couldn’t call in either, and I really didn’t want to be alone at the hospital. He wouldn’t let me go home though because no one was there. Instead, he took me to his house. His dad gave me some pain killers that allowed me to sleep and Nifty went off to work. His mom kept coming in to check on me, which I found enduring.
Nifty was able to leave early, and he fell asleep on the floor around 6am. When I got up, Nifty’s mom offered to make me toast and hot chocolate since my stomach was also sore. I stayed at his house until Nifty finally woke up around 10:30.
So I’m now even more nervous about starting tomorrow at the group home. It’s a new place with new people and a new job description. Now I have to worry about hurting myself even more, or doing a crappy job because it hurts to move. I can move, but it hurts.
But anyways, enough about that. I found the coat of my dreams.
Nifty is going to buy it for me for Christmas.I mentioned it to him on the phone and told him the price, and he said he would I’m so spoiled. But hey, I did buy him Guitar Hero and a million other expensive things so I deserve it. Plus I hurt my back
As each day goes by, I feel myself falling deeper and deeper into isolation. I know that I should start making friends and stop spending all of my time alone, but it is difficult. It is now the end of week 7, and cliques were already formed way at the beginning of week 2. I don’t fit in anywhere, although I try. Most of the girls in my program irritate me, even the older ones are immature. I am wary of the “nice” girls in my class, because of my whole experience back in week 2 that almost seemed never ending. Hell, that bullshit hasn’t ended yet and it’s like 4 weeks later. Regina is still a major bitch, Gretchen only speaks to me when she sees fit, and that other girl who claimed to be “neutral” about the whole situation doesn’t even bother to give me the time of day.
I feel like every time I sit with the people in my program, they are just being nice because they have to. I feel like they are merely putting up with me. I feel like I don’t fit in.
I know it sounds stupid, for me to sit there and think “wow, they are so fake” and then feel so alone and isolated. But if you heard the tone of voice and the way it was said, you wouldn’t think I was crazy. Normally, I love to make new friends. I don’t judge and I full out trust everybody. But then I realized that half the time, these people didn’t even enjoy my company.
I’ve been told a million times before by adults and everyone around me that I have a wonderful, bubbly personality, but if my personality is so wonderful, how come I’m having such a hard time making friends? Ya, I have people whom I speak to during the day and sit with, but I always get the impression that they aren’t being 100% real with me.
Which is pathetic. Hello, Social Service Workers in training! Where are all those attributions that we are supposed to have if we want to be in this field? Aren’t we supposed to be genuine? Empathetic? Understanding? Accepting? The list goes on and on, and it seems like 99.5% of these people don’t apply those things to their every day relationships. It’s like they actually believe those attributions are only needed when at work.
So this semester is almost over, and I still don’t have a group of people that I really relate to. There are people I talk to, and people who put up with my presence but never really seem to want me there.
Oh well, there isn’t a lot I can do about that. It just sucks that I always have to watch from the sidelines. Maybe things will change though, who knows.
I’m so spoiled. But hey, I did buy him Guitar Hero and a million other expensive things so I deserve it. Plus I hurt my back 
