2 posts in a day? You know it’s not good news.
September 25, 2007
I am such a major screw up. There will be no arguing with me once I have finished explaining why I am such a major screw up, as I’m sure you will all agree with me fully. I hate myself so much for it.
I don’t even know where to begin, everything is all screwed up - because of me. I suppose I should start out by explaining that lately, Nifty and I have been having some relationship problems and it kills me to admit this; but it’s all because of me. Since the summer began, I have become a complete monster. All summer long, I was stressed out and unhappy with work, so me being the dumbass that I was took out all that stress and frustration on Nifty, as he was and is one of the only solid, constant things in my life.
I knew what I was doing wasn’t right, that’s why I apologized constantly for my behaviour. But Nifty would just hug me and tell me he understood and still loved me, despite my agonizing behaviour. So I suppose that stupid part of my brain considered this to be a reward. After all, I was getting hugs and reassurance from being a super bitch, was I not? I got back rubs for being an insecure tyrant. I guess as time went on it got harder for me to draw the line between venting and taking out how I was feeling on Nifty. But he didn’t say anything, he just took it.
But now, the pressure has increased for both parties. I have felt like - for some time now - that Nifty has been wanting to spend less time with me. He’s doing way more stuff with his friends, and drinking more. He never used to want to get drunk every weekend, and I began to fear about what was really going on with him. He wouldn’t tell me - Nifty would never want to purposely hurt my feelings, but me being the idiot I am would constantly give him the impression that I was pissed off about something he did. Nifty began to feel like he was doing everything wrong in the relationship and I suppose that’s why he felt as if he had to spend time away from me.
Because I pushed him. Because I kept pressing my stress and my insecurities on him because of that time he was able to handle it.
But now he has his own stresses and insecurities - he’s got a demanding job and wants to do better in school so he can come to college with me next year. I haven’t been of any help. I literally took everything personally, like if he wanted to go to the library and study I would take it as he didn’t want to talk to me. In reality, I was just insecure because I could sense something was off and I knew that it probably had something to do with me.
I am beating myself up over this. I find it so repulsing that I caused the person I love so much added stress and pain. I am disgusted that I made him feel as if he did everything wrong. I hate myself for it.
Nifty said he couldn’t handle the pressure I was putting on him constantly. He said he couldn’t function when he thought I was mad at him - and he said that I constantly acted as if I was. I tried to explain that I was definitely not mad at him but rather I was mad at myself because I knew that I was doing something to hurt him. But the actions were that I made him think I was mad. My defense mechanism is mad. When I’m stressed out or worried about something, I get mad. Clearly, I’ve been stressed out and worried about a lot of shit since college started. So clearly, I’ve been making life hell for Nifty.
I asked him if he wanted to break up with me, and I honestly wouldn’t have blamed him if he had said yes. He said no, that he was still in love with me and always would be, but he wanted me to go back to the way I was before summer. I actually made sense then. I didn’t yell at him, I didn’t take things out on him, and I wasn’t unreasonable.
So the verdict? We are still together. It’s shaky (on my end anyway), but we’ll getting through it. I hope. I have asked him to keep being patient for just a little while. I told him to let me know if I am taking stuff out on him, and then requested for him not to get mad at me if I got upset over it and started to cry. I know I have no right to ask that of him, especially after how I have treated him the past few months, but it is what I need. Him getting mad at me for the stupid stuff I do doesn’t help me, it just scares me more and makes it harder to get past it. But him holding me through the rough patch and letting me get over it just by understanding I need to cry, well that would make a whole heck of a difference.
I just hope I have the intelligence to overcome this. I hope that stupid tiny voice in my head doesn’t constantly put me down and make me doubt I can do this. I have to do this. When your suspicions of making the only person you have ever loved unhappy come true, there will be a lot of negative thoughts. I debated on ending it just to make him happy - even though I fully knew I would be completely unhappy. But when I asked him if that was what he wanted, he said no. I can only hope that he meant what he said. I know he did, why else would he say it?
But that is why I am a complete screw up. Hopefully I can fix things before I push him away for good. I would never forgive myself if I did that, he is the light in my day.
September 26th, 2007 at 12:32 am
< ![CDATA[Anger is definitely my response to stress, too. I'm glad you two are working it out, its great to have a supportive relationship]]>
September 26th, 2007 at 12:39 am
< ![CDATA[You feel safe enough with him to vent. Understandable.
Read this: http://ezinearticles.com/?Why-Do-We-Hurt-Those-We-Love-Most-And-How-To-Stop-This&id=119075
Especially this line: The important thing in a relationship is not to make the other happy or to expect the other one to make you happy, but to make yourself happy and offer this happiness as a free gift to the other!
I love you. I hope you two work it out.
xo]]>
September 26th, 2007 at 8:49 am
< ![CDATA[You're not a screwup. It's not entirely your fault, either, so don't put all of the blame on your shoulders. If he didn't let you down on a consistent basis, you wouldn't be as worried and stressed about everything. A relationship is built on trust and support. If he's supposed to be there and doesn't come on time but doesn't call, or if he can't even get out of bed on time to get to work so that he has time at night, he needs to grow up a little bit, too.
It's good that you guys talked about it, but don't feel like you're solely responsible for any tension.]]>
September 26th, 2007 at 10:29 am
< ![CDATA[Amanda; I’m glad too. I wish he had told me all of that sooner though, because my assumptions were just scaring me and making me more angry.
Avitable; he doesn’t let me down on a consistent basis, just lately - and thats because I don’t react well to most things he said. For instance, we both knew I would have gotten mad about him spending yet another day hanging out with his friends - who he sees every day at school - opposed to coming down right away to see me. I’m selfish like that. However, not telling me the plan was 100x worse because I thought he was coming down “right away”, and 4 hours later there was no sign of him. So I told him to tell me, no matter how mad he thinks I’ll get; if I get mad about him wanting to hang out with his friends, well that’s not good reason, but I have good reason if he doesn’t call or show up for 4 hours after saying he would. At least he gets that now.
I have to curb my reactions to certain things, but mostly I get mad when he says he wants to hang out with friends for instance because I get major disappointed. Everything Skidhead or Fagbag (exs) did in the past comes up in my mind - even though it shouldn’t. So I did bring this on myself. I’ve never been able to hide emotions - I guess I’ll have to get better at that and stop showing when I’m hurt or disappointed by things that are really stupid anyway. I can’t expect him to spend every minute of his free time with me - although I would like him to.
And the work thing is surprisingly also my fault as I keep him on the phone late and he often comes over late after work.]]>
September 26th, 2007 at 10:32 am
< ![CDATA[I'm not saying that your faultless. I'm just saying that you can't blame yourself entirely. It takes two people to make a relationship work and it takes two people to make mistakes, too.]]>
September 26th, 2007 at 11:33 am
< ![CDATA[I guess you're right Avitable…:(
Things can never be 100% great can they?]]>
September 26th, 2007 at 11:59 am
< ![CDATA[It can be 100% great. But it takes effort on both ends. Just promise that you won't blame yourself entirely for problems - as someone who has heard you talk about it, I know it's not all you.]]>
September 26th, 2007 at 12:07 pm
< ![CDATA[Ok I promise :(]]>
September 26th, 2007 at 1:26 pm
< ![CDATA[Firstly let me point one thing out. If Nifty wanted to break up he would have definately taken his out when you gave him the excuse to, especially since you agreed that it was your fault.
This is a good thing, the first step is admitting your wrong. The next step is changing it so please keep in mind when you want to take your stress out on him take a breather or forewarn him that you are not in the best of moods and maybe be by yourself on those nights.
Its okay to be disappointed when he chooses to hang with friends instead of you and its okay to let him know that your bummed out. It is NOT okay to be angry and make him feel bad for choosing to do so, and your right, he's probably hanging out with friends more because you have been a drag to be around. Of course you should discuss your day (good & bad) with him but if its always bad and always complaints then face it....thats not much fun at all to be around. Let it go...stresses of the day and worries of your relationship and I think you'll find that you will enjoy your time together better and so will he. Nobody wants to walk on egg shells! Remember that. Also in reference to your past relationships....I know its hard but check your baggage at the door, you wouldn't want to be compared to his old relationships. The sexiest thing on both male and female is confidence. Like I said, your on the right track by being aware of your faults, so keep up the good work. P.S. Do you really want Gretchen & Regina (for instance) to ruin your relationship? In the big scheme of things these are minor problems and have little or no importance to your end result....Finishing school and marrying Nifty (LOL) Keep your eye on the prize sweetie and don't let other things affect the outcome. Love ya lots! (Dont forget that) xo]]>
September 26th, 2007 at 7:31 pm
< 
Don’t worry, I’m thinking about actually following your advice this time! You may be on to something ;)]]>