Tomorrow I have a “mock shift” at the group home. I’m excited. I’m not too sure what a “mock shift” consists of, but this is promising. It means that I either have the job or that they are very interested in hiring me and just want to see how I interact with the kids.
I just wanted to spread some joy, so here is a random video for your viewing pleasure.
I just video taped myself singing. I am horrible. The funniest thing is that I actually thought I sounded pretty damn good, but I really don’t. Talk about an ego buster. Anyways, that definitely won’t be making it’s way to cyber space. I don’t want to murder anybody with my blood curdling screeches, or call millions of dogs to my front door with the high pitch only they can hear. I bet I could totally make money off it too, if I had me one of those flashy computer programs that edits your voice to make you sound somewhat good - you know, those things that Paris Hilton, Hilary Duff, and Lindsay Lohan all have. Anybody want to donate me one? I do need the money. Ah the life of a broke college student.
Anyways, so far this weekend has proved to be far better then the last two. Well, maybe the last one before last week - that weekend I spent at my apartment alone working on assignments that were do. Last weekend I came home and went to that dinner and a benefit party - that was amusing. But anyway, sorry to keep rambling. I got barely any sleep last night when I was at Peterpops.
So many funny moments from Friday night; I can’t even begin to list them all. Hmm…maybe I’ll try:
he was gross, AND had a girlfriend. Yah. Asswipe. So that was Friday. It was a riot - even though I wasn’t drunk. I love laughing at other people when they are drunk, and then telling them all the funny things they did.
Today was pretty awesome too. JD came over and so did Birdman and one of his friends who happened to go to the same public school as I did. So did Birdman. So we all knew each other. We played Guitar Hero for a little while, then went to the public school that Birdman, his friend and I went to. It’s closed now; the playground and everything else that was good has been removed. But it was still good times. I took a lot of funny pictures.
Around 5pm I headed to Nifty’s place. That was also fun. His mom missed me so much she made me pasta! Granted, it didn’t have tomato sause because none of her kids will touch it, but it was still nice.
It was also nice finally getting all of the stuff off that’s been on my chest lately. My worries, my reasons for “being mad” and all those other things I have been thinking about. A while ago, I posted about the telephone conversation we had, and about how I thought it was all my fault. Avitable helped me realize that it wasn’t just my fault.
So, tonight, I told Nifty how I felt. I told him that I appeared “always mad” because I was frustrated about the situation as I knew something wasn’t right but he wasn’t telling me, and I noticed a change when he started hanging out with his friends more and me less. This only hurt me more and I got mad because I couldn’t explain it to him in a way that he would get it. He told me that he was hanging out less with me because I was always mad at him. He sees my side now, and admits it was stupid to do that. I admit it was stupid of me to be constantly bitchy and mad. Basically, it was all that lovely word miscommunication. He sees my side now, and I see his. We are going to be more honest with each other, even if it means hurting feelings a little bit. The result of not telling each other how we were feeling resulted in that conversation on the phone, so we both learned our lesson. Repressing things leads to blow outs.
Tomorrow Nifty is driving me back to the apartment. Before that, he works and I need to do my homework. I haven’t started it yet - I felt I needed a break and time with my friends. Thanks to taking that break, I feel refreshed and ready to tackle everything. Coming home is healthy for you!
…however…taping yourself singing isn’t healthy. This is because you can hear how you actually sound, and it isn’t too pretty.
When I saw this video, I cried.
I decided to do the post for the Blog Against Abuse campaign Karen opened my eyes to over at A Medical Mystery, so if you are interested, go over there and check it. Don’t forget to comment, I love feedback.
That aside, there isn’t a whole lot of stuff going on with me today. I’m surprisingly calm and content. I had to wake up somewhat early today to meet with the people in my counseling group so we could practice our counseling skills. I’m doing slightly better according to Lynn, I didn’t fidget at all today. After the counseling session, I went to the bookstore and bought my mom a present - just something little. I already got my dad something from the bookstore, so it’s my mom’s turn. I also bought myself sweat pants that say my college’s name on the ass. I know Sassy thinks that sweat pants are ugly, but personally…I think she’s just jealous because I look way better in sweat pants. On me, sweat pants are sexy 
(I will prove this once I have the camera back). These sweat pants are black, and completely form fitting. And comfortable. What an improvement from this mornings episode of stuffing my ass into a pair of jeans!
Lynn gave me a ride home, and I was excited to have grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup for lunch. However, I opened my bag of bread only to find that it was moldy! Ew! I turned myself off of grilled cheese sandwiches for a while. I don’t know, but there is something to be said about green mold spores on bread. It’s not a very mouth-watering image.
I am completely aware that this post is completely dry and lifeless, but when you are content there isn’t a whole lot you can rant about. Besides, most people are annoyed with my “negative outlook” on things (myself included) so I thought I’d be a bit like Avitable and blog about random crap like moldy bread and sweat pants.
Oh ya; and today’s Nifty update is this: we are getting along great. I haven’t been a tyrant (yet) and he hasn’t done anything to irritate me. I’ve kept my woes to myself and was completely understanding when he called me at 11:45 instead of 10:19pm. I even figured he had to work! I wasn’t thinking anything negative - well until 11pm, then I was worried that he was in a ditch somewhere. When I’m worried, there is no stopping my mind from coming up with scary scenarios like that but I’m sure everyone is like that.
This weekend I look forward to coming home, hanging out with Peterpops, maybe seeing Fuzz, and seeing Nifty. I’m also going to actually fill out my bursary applications. And maybe do some homework. Ya. Go me. I’m accomplishing so much.
Well today was…interesting. I found out that I didn’t completely bomb my test in Human Growth and Development - I got a 63% but have a chance of improving that mark on Friday when I write the second part to the test, so that’s comforting. Especially since it will be a short answer question, and I’m wonderful at short answer questions.
Regina and Gretchen continued to get on my nerves - not because they have “excluded” me from their little group of fake girls, but because of the fake tone they used when talking to me. I would much rather be ignored then treated as if a mere conversation (that I didn’t want in the first place) is a cause for extreme annoyance and patience. Hello! I sat on the other side of the room for a reason! That atmosphere was less fake. Luckily though, other people are beginning to realize whats going on. Nobody (except for Regina, Gretchen and the followers) has time for high school drama.
And we were assigned yet another group activity in Community Development: Aboriginal Emphasis. We have to research something of interest and present our findings as a group. Oh joy. Public speaking. I have a feeling our group is leaning more towards Aboriginal medicines, which should be interesting.
I also really need to work on my counseling skills. Our group’s skill assessment is October 4th; that’s next week! We’ve only practiced once and we’ve got a long way to go! I fidget. I always do. I can’t sit still for two minutes without wiggling my foot or tapping the table. This is not good when you’re counseling someone. I also gave suggestions, which is something you aren’t supposed to do. So tomorrow I have to go down to the college and meet my group at 10 freakin’ AM so we can practice. I don’t actually have any classes until 2pm, but I suppose it doesn’t matter since I can’t sleep in anyway. I’ll just hang out at the library and get my module summaries finished for Psychology (we have a test on Friday that I should also study for anyway).
Anyways, I’m going to have a nap before I work on my homework because I know I won’t be able to sleep in tomorrow and I really do need to catch up on some sleep.
I also need to go therapeutic shopping. I need a new purse anyway.
I am such a major screw up. There will be no arguing with me once I have finished explaining why I am such a major screw up, as I’m sure you will all agree with me fully. I hate myself so much for it.
I don’t even know where to begin, everything is all screwed up - because of me. I suppose I should start out by explaining that lately, Nifty and I have been having some relationship problems and it kills me to admit this; but it’s all because of me. Since the summer began, I have become a complete monster. All summer long, I was stressed out and unhappy with work, so me being the dumbass that I was took out all that stress and frustration on Nifty, as he was and is one of the only solid, constant things in my life.
I knew what I was doing wasn’t right, that’s why I apologized constantly for my behaviour. But Nifty would just hug me and tell me he understood and still loved me, despite my agonizing behaviour. So I suppose that stupid part of my brain considered this to be a reward. After all, I was getting hugs and reassurance from being a super bitch, was I not? I got back rubs for being an insecure tyrant. I guess as time went on it got harder for me to draw the line between venting and taking out how I was feeling on Nifty. But he didn’t say anything, he just took it.
But now, the pressure has increased for both parties. I have felt like - for some time now - that Nifty has been wanting to spend less time with me. He’s doing way more stuff with his friends, and drinking more. He never used to want to get drunk every weekend, and I began to fear about what was really going on with him. He wouldn’t tell me - Nifty would never want to purposely hurt my feelings, but me being the idiot I am would constantly give him the impression that I was pissed off about something he did. Nifty began to feel like he was doing everything wrong in the relationship and I suppose that’s why he felt as if he had to spend time away from me.
Because I pushed him. Because I kept pressing my stress and my insecurities on him because of that time he was able to handle it.
But now he has his own stresses and insecurities - he’s got a demanding job and wants to do better in school so he can come to college with me next year. I haven’t been of any help. I literally took everything personally, like if he wanted to go to the library and study I would take it as he didn’t want to talk to me. In reality, I was just insecure because I could sense something was off and I knew that it probably had something to do with me.
I am beating myself up over this. I find it so repulsing that I caused the person I love so much added stress and pain. I am disgusted that I made him feel as if he did everything wrong. I hate myself for it.
Nifty said he couldn’t handle the pressure I was putting on him constantly. He said he couldn’t function when he thought I was mad at him - and he said that I constantly acted as if I was. I tried to explain that I was definitely not mad at him but rather I was mad at myself because I knew that I was doing something to hurt him. But the actions were that I made him think I was mad. My defense mechanism is mad. When I’m stressed out or worried about something, I get mad. Clearly, I’ve been stressed out and worried about a lot of shit since college started. So clearly, I’ve been making life hell for Nifty.
I asked him if he wanted to break up with me, and I honestly wouldn’t have blamed him if he had said yes. He said no, that he was still in love with me and always would be, but he wanted me to go back to the way I was before summer. I actually made sense then. I didn’t yell at him, I didn’t take things out on him, and I wasn’t unreasonable.
So the verdict? We are still together. It’s shaky (on my end anyway), but we’ll getting through it. I hope. I have asked him to keep being patient for just a little while. I told him to let me know if I am taking stuff out on him, and then requested for him not to get mad at me if I got upset over it and started to cry. I know I have no right to ask that of him, especially after how I have treated him the past few months, but it is what I need. Him getting mad at me for the stupid stuff I do doesn’t help me, it just scares me more and makes it harder to get past it. But him holding me through the rough patch and letting me get over it just by understanding I need to cry, well that would make a whole heck of a difference.
I just hope I have the intelligence to overcome this. I hope that stupid tiny voice in my head doesn’t constantly put me down and make me doubt I can do this. I have to do this. When your suspicions of making the only person you have ever loved unhappy come true, there will be a lot of negative thoughts. I debated on ending it just to make him happy - even though I fully knew I would be completely unhappy. But when I asked him if that was what he wanted, he said no. I can only hope that he meant what he said. I know he did, why else would he say it?
But that is why I am a complete screw up. Hopefully I can fix things before I push him away for good. I would never forgive myself if I did that, he is the light in my day.
I swear as each day passes, the day care kids get louder and louder! I couldn’t sleep in past 9am today - and believe me, I tired. I was lying there trying to sleep for an hour! I finally gave up and got up, but I was really irritated. Although Mrs and Mr Landlordy are friendly people, I’m having difficulty adjusting to their rules. Why do I need to be quiet after a certain time, when they aren’t? Why do I need to run it by them when I want to have company over? I was under the impression I was renting a basement apartment, not a new set of parents.
I have to do my homework at night time usually, because in the mornings it is clearly too noisy. I can’t even sleep so I know I wouldn’t be able to focus. I haven’t been sleeping very well either because my mind won’t let me get to bed until really late. I’m too busy staying up worrying about all the stuff I’ve gotta do and trying to plan out my tomorrow’s. Than I don’t even get to make up for the precious sleep time lost in the mornings. I’m really irritated by this. I’m cranky, can’t you tell?
Anyways, enough about me complaining. I got back a while ago from the interview for the group home position. I think it went well, but it’s always hard to tell. They said they would get back to me by the middle of next week. So I guess I’ll know by Friday of next week if either places hire me. I am a wee bit nervous - what if neither of them hire me? Than what?
I suppose I should go do my Human Growth and Development test. I only have until tomorrow to do it. I didn’t study very well for it, but it’s one of those things that you either know or you don’t. I think that it will be easy because it is multiple choice and the answer will be right in front of me. Wish me luck though!
Last week, I was lucky enough to experience a bit more of Girl World. This week, the drama continues. I feel like I’m starring in an episode of Laguna Beach - I seriously do. It feels all scripted out, as if someone had plotted the weeks drama in advanced and distributed scripts to everyone but me.
I did not expect Regina to talk to me today. Alas, thats how it is sometimes with those kinds of girls. You see, I was sitting near the front in the lecture class with two girls whom are actually nice to me, trying to find a pen. Then all I can hear is Regina yell out; “Sarcastica, can we talk to you after class?”. For one thing; this was not a question, it was a demand - much like the way I apparently phrase my questions. It also sounded like an ambush. So what did I do? I nodded - because I was curious as to why they would be all of a sudden talking to me.
I did speak to that girl (who remains neutral about taking sides) last night on MSN. She wanted to know if I was mad at her, and she wanted to explain that Friday was weird because everyone felt embarrassed about being such dicks.
But I still didn’t expect anything to change. It really hasn’t. After the lecture, I waited to talk to the group. Regina appeared to forget (or decided to pass the task of talking to me off to someone else) and instead Gretchen attempted to explain where they are coming from. Apparently they still want to hang out with me (actually, they phrased it as “we still want you to hang out with us” - but whatever). All I said in response was that I was giving them space for a day, but then I had to rush off to my interview and told them I would catch up with them later. On my way to the interview, I ran into Regina - who asked me if Gretchen had talked to me, then in a really unfriendly voice she said “I was just telling you that as a friend, so you would know how I felt.” Friends don’t treat friends like shit only to apologize (actually they didn’t even apologize, I would call it attempting to justify) when they feel guilty about it. After the interview (which I promise to get into in more detail after I vent about my girl problems), I went to sit with Gretchen and Regina in the cafeteria. They were playing spoons with Regina’s boyfriend, and both of them gave me wan smiles and continued to play spoons. The atmosphere was not warm and welcoming like it was in week one, so I told them I had to take care of some stuff and left.
Even though they attempted to justify how they behaved and want me to hang out with them, I’m still not sure if I want to. I’m not a dumbass, I can feel when I’m unwanted just by the atmosphere and tone of people’s voices when they speak to me.
Anyways, that bullcrap aside; I think my interview went pretty good. I had awesome answers for all of the questions they asked me, and provided them with a portfolio of my resume, references, certificates and class schedule. They said they would get back to me one way or the other by Friday - hopefully. One interview down, one more to go! Tomorrow I meet with the manager of the group home at 1pm. I’m excited about that as well!
My homework is piling up already; there is just so many things that I have to do! I haven’t even studied for my Human Growth and Development test yet - which I plan on doing at 8am tomorrow morning! Nifty is supposed to come over again tonight since it’s the only day he has off, so maybe I can rope him into helping me study. I know it will be boring but whatever! It will help me!
Yesterday, the boy took forever to get here. I swear! The pizza guy arrived before he did, and I ordered it like 3 hours after he said he was leaving! Apparently he had to drive his friend back home (and his friend does live about half an hour away from Nifty) and the traffic was heavy, so I can’t begrudge him.
Plus I have promised myself I won’t get angry about stupid, insignificant things. It doesn’t help anything and just stresses me out more. So no more anger! I plan on focusing on doing all of my assignments and readings and hanging out with the people that matter. No fake friends for me! I have no time for high school drama!
I really didn’t miss dial-up; I’ll tell you that now. I can’t get any pages to load for me. If I try to get this computer to do more then one thing at once, nothing works. Luckily, I finally was able to finish my OSAP application. Now I can breath a little easier; it’s out of the way.
So how was my weekend? I suppose it was better then it would have been if I had stayed at the apartment alone. Nifty came over on Friday and we hung out for a bit, I showed him a couple of the apartments for rent in town (we’ve started looking earlier so that we don’t get waitlisted). He was tired from doing the Terry Fox run at his school, so he passed out early and spent the night.
Saturday, he went to work and then to a concert and I went to my Mom’s birth mother’s birthday party at a buffet. The food wasn’t the greatest; but the conversation was! I got along great with Mom’s adoptive sister (I guess that’s what you’d call her? I dunno - it’s all too confusing!). I find it very amusing that certain people find me to be “annoying” and “immature”, but I can get along great with people in their thirties. Um. Does that make sense to anybody else? After dinner, I went with my parents to a benefit dance for one of my dads friends, Chops. Chops’s aunt recently had a surgery that left her paralized from the waist down. We were raising money to help her live comfortably for the next little while.
Heh - I just realized that I’m doing everything that Hollywood’s (another one of Dad’s friends) wife expressed when she found out about my blogging skills (which McPout said were very awesome, I might add) by giving a nearly step by step account of what happened in the past two days. Whatever though. I’m just doing it to avoid blogging about bitchy matters - although I’m sure that would be more interesting for my readers, I’m just sick of hearing myself talk about it.
Shortly I’ll be leaving to go back to my apartment. I have no idea if Nifty was planning on taking me, but I don’t want to wait around all day for a phone call from him saying yay or nay, so I’m leaving early. If he wants to, he can still come down. Or call. But I’m irritated at him and refuse to wait all day.
He hasn’t called me to let me know what’s going on; and when I called him at work today I found out that his “mother” had phoned in sick for him. Um. His mother would never call in sick for him, especially not after he was at a concert all night long and just wanted to catch up on sleep. So I’m wondering just who his “mother” is who called in sick. I’m trying not to think about it, to avoid creating those crazy scenarios that I seem to create every time I get insecure and suspicious, but it is a curious situation.
I know he is still at his friends house, because I called his friend to see what the heck was going on and Punky was still half asleep. He mumbled that Nifty was “still there and asleep” and then said later. So I hung up. And I refuse to try to get a hold of Nifty again today.
I have decided that his phone remains uncharged so that I can’t get a hold of him.
I have also decided that I may be going insane from the pressure of people pissing me off. I think I need to become a hermit or something, and avoid contact with people.
I don’t mean to be a pessimist, but in my experience; people disappoint you, but only if you let them. So I won’t let people disappoint me - Nifty included (which is why I’m going home now instead of waiting for the bugger who can’t charge his cell phone or bother to call when he knows I need to know whats going on).
/end rant.
Not too long ago, it was common for me to blog about all the frustrations I was having with high school drama. I was so excited to get the hell out of high school and move on with my life and away from the people who were causing me issues. In my rush to get far away from everything fake, I was eager to make new friends.
In a new place, far away from all my old friends, I thought I was doing well when I made friends with the four girls I have been hanging out with for the past week. They all seemed super nice and genuine. Since we are all in the Social Worker Program, it never even occurred to me that it could be a front they were putting up. I was sure that in order to be in this program, you have to have a strong sense of empathy and understanding. I was sure that everyone in the program was genuine. How very wrong was I.
For the first two weeks, everything went awesome. I played spoons in the cafateria with the huge group, mostly fronted by a girl who we shall call Regina. I suppose Regina calls the shots most of the time, deciding what we should do for the break. I generally go along with the crowd in new social situations, so I didn’t have a problem with it. Besides, I thought I would get along with her well, since she was found of sarcasm too. But my sarcasm is never used to spite someone, and I always know when to use it. Regina seemed to use her sarcasm to hurt people, although I was slightly blind to it at the time. I thought Regina was cool, but I was still wary of her so we didn’t really hang out a lot.
Things were going well until we started hanging out with another girl, who is a really loud, obnoxious some-what dumb person. If you think I’m really out there, you would think I’m completely shy and calm next to this girl.
I wasn’t really all that surprised when Regina flipped out on me on MSN. You see, in one of our classes we were supposed to be in a group, but since she had been treating me differently all week (by excluding me from things, for example) and since we had one more group member then allowed for the assignment, I found a new group. I didn’t want to be the dumbass left standing in the middle of the room without a group because they bailed on me. I figured it was more than likely to happen because Regina was being such a bitch to me. So she was mad about that, and said I should have given them notice before I decided to ditch them. She wouldn’t listen to my explanation - which was simply that I knew we were over the allowed number of group members so I left to avoid causing an argument over who had to leave. Nope. She just kept bitching at me (over MSN, I might add) about how it was completely rude on me and that she was pissed.
Than she says “can I tell you something….as a friend?” right after I think we’re cool (on account of me apologizing and her “forgiving” me). I said sure, why not, and expected her to spill a secret of some sort - because the last couple of days thats all people have been doing around me. But that wasn’t her intention. She told me that the group thought I was demanding and it was getting on their nerves. Truthfully, I was a little stunned. I am not demanding. I haven’t asked anything of them at all. Ever. I asked her to clarify what she means, and she gave me the following example:
“Instead of saying ‘do you want to come to the computer lab with me?’ you say ‘come to the computer lab with me.’ and we don’t appreicate it”.
Um. For one thing, I have never asked them to come to the computer lab with me in the entire 2 weeks I’ve known them. I haven’t even asked them to come to the bathroom with me, I’m a big girl…I go by myself. But apparently, I’m too demanding. So after she said that, I tried to get it out of her the names of who else found me annoying. She said it was mostly her who felt that way, and that I would have to talk to the other girls.
So I texted Gretchen to see if I got on her nerves. Gretchen is the girl who was recently at my apartment watching a movie with me and another girl (who doesn’t hate me). When we hung out that evening, she told me a lot of personal stuff, things you would only tell friends; not someone you didn’t like. So I thought we were becoming close. She stalled a bit in the first few texts, asking me why I would ask that…then asking me if I was ok. Then I told her I just wanted to know, and asked her to tell me if I was getting on her nerves.
She said: “it’s not that you’re getting on my nerves, I don’t know what it is I’m sorry it’s not that I don’t like you…” Um…ok. Contradicting much? I had to text her again asking her if she had a problem with me or not, and she replied; “Sorry I didn’t want to hurt your feelings.” So I got even more pissed and texted her saying; “I would rather people be upfront and honest instead of pretending to be my friend when they really aren’t.”
This is something I just can’t not be pissed about. Ya I know, not everyone is going to like me, but these girls literally made up reasons to dislike me, considering as I’m not demanding at all. Not to mention, Regina told one of the other girls from that group (who remains neutral throughout this ’situation’) that the “age difference” freaked her out. I am 18, Regina is 21. Regina doesn’t act 21. I don’t act 18. Not to mention, Gretchen and that girl I mentioned briefly above (the rather dumb, very obnoxious girl who started hanging out with us more this week) are both 18. Actually, Gretchen is 17. So why doesn’t the age thing freak out Regina concerning those two? If anything, I am more mature then the both of them put together.
So that is what upsets me the most; the random, made up shit about me. I’m angry that I became “friends” with the Mean Girls of the program, and angrier still because there is no where I can go to escape them. They are friends with everyone else in the program; they show no dislike to anybody but me.
The funny thing is that I am supposed to be at a party at Regina’s house tonight. I came home early instead, after a day of not talking to any of them (even the neutral girl - because she’s always with them). They didn’t say anything to me, they didn’t even smile at me. It was as if they all felt relieved that I was no longer a burden shadowing their fun.
So now I am back to square one; I know nobody and have a total of two people to talk to who don’t hate me or find me annoying and demanding. I have decided I’m no longer attempting to form friendships with girls; since they all are back stabbing bitches. Instead, I’ll hang out with guys - if the group doesn’t discredit my reputation by telling everyone I am completely unbearable that is.
****In case you didn’t figure it out on your own, I nicknamed the two “ring leaders” of the “group” after the characters from Mean Girls. I figured with the current situation and how they have been acting, it was a good choice.
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