This House Is Not a Home
I really wish I had some excuse not to come home tonight. I’ve already hung out with Nifty everyday for the past four days, and he made plans with his friends tonight so I can’t say I’m going to his house.
I hate coming home. My sisters are usually always such bitches to me and I hate it. Recently, I’ve started copying their tones and acting the same way they treat me, but guess what? That only gets me in trouble. It’s me who has all the attitude, it’s me who’s going to get grounded. But Josephine can be a huge bitch every day of the year and never get in trouble.
I’m sick of it. I’m sick of having to tread lightly around her mood swings. I’m sick of her always getting her way and acting like she’s better then everyone. I’m sick of her thinking she doesn’t have to listen or answer to anyone, and that everyone is here to obey her.
The rest of my day is going to be horrible now, because my lovely family has put me in such a great mood. I can’t wait to get the hell out of here. They almost grounded me from co-op for being a “bitch” this morning, and co-op is school. So they would be grounding me from going to school and I would not get the hours I need to graduate. They said they didn’t care, and that I could stay another year behind.
Then they wonder why I’m always “hiding” in my room.
Posted by Sarcastica @
9:22 am |
Frustrations
Good golly, what ever happened to my promise? This morning I created a new gmail account, only to decided not even an hour later that I had made a big mistake and wanted the use of my old one back - so I had to re-email everyone and tell them to disregard the email I sent about my email change. So I am currently still using my old email.
Oh well, at least I’m not that way with boys.
Speaking of boys, last night I hung out with Nifty. He failed to inform me though that he invited his best friend, the legendary Beeman, to come hang out with us. So we were sitting on the couch watching Flushed Away and the door bell rings, then Beeman walks in. While Beeman makes a quick phone call to his girlfriend, Nifty asked me if I was mad.
What do you think? If I had pulled that, inviting a friend over without informing Nifty of the change in plans, would he not be a little annoyed? Not because I didn’t want to hang out with Beeman or anything, but because I wasn’t informed of this change of plans. I’m a very “regular” person, I like having my plans made and hate it when they get changed. Nifty knows this - very well.
I also dislike the way when his friends are around he “forgets” about me. Several times I felt invisible, and I didn’t like it. Why invite me over if you’re just going to ignore me? Or just talk to me occasionally? I am the kind of person who likes to have undivided attention - when it comes to my boyfriend anyway - or at least be informed of things ahead of time, you know, so I can decided on if I want to spend the night being ignored or treated differently.
I’m mostly in a bad mood today because my right heel is killing me. When I was at his house, Nifty decided it would be funny to pick me up, spin me around and drop me back on my feet. I must have landed with the majority of my weight on my right leg though, because my heel is really sore today and walking on it hurts. He felt really bad about it, but still. Not to mention I had a bad dream last night, where Nifty told me he wasn’t happy and wanted to break up with me.
I’m probably pushing him away with my insecurties and negative outlook. I’m trying to change but obviously I’m not trying enough because so far I’ve yielded no results. It’s hard to change though, when you reach a certain point.
But I’m still trying.
Posted by Sarcastica @
11:28 am |
Ain’t No Bone Collector
I saw that movie a couple summers ago with my cousin, and since then I’ve been afraid of getting in a taxi. That movie freaked me right out, and I promised myself that I would never get in a taxi by myself. I probably would have been afraid of taxis even if I didn’t see that movie. Having a total stranger coming to pick me up and drive me some where is just plan weird, I mean they could be crazy! I did take a taxi a while ago but I was with a bunch of people, and it was less likely for the taxi driver to kidnap me and kill me.
But ya, I took a taxi to co-op today. I slept over at Nifty’s house and his dad left early so I had to take the taxi. All by myself. Without anyone with me. I was standing outside freezing my ass off because Nifty had to leave for school, and the guy drove past me twice before he actually found Nifty’s house. It wasn’t very pleasant.
Nifty had advised me to sit in the front seat, as it is supposedly some how safer? So I did. Besides, in The Bone Collector the couple got into the back of the taxi and the doors didn’t work from the inside, the locks were made of this sharp thingy that when they tried to unlock the door to get out it just sliced their fingers up. So sitting in the front sounded like a better idea - even though if the guy was nuts he could probably kill me easier.
But I lived - surprisingly. It was insanely awkward though…just as I assumed it would be. The guy tried to make small talk about the weather, and I just nodded my head in agreement. I find talking to strangers difficult and usually I sound like a huge Bitch so I just didn’t say anything really.
I used to have no problem making friends, when I was little. Kate was always insanely jealous and she always used to ask me to make friends for her with the other kids at the playgrounds we’d be dumped in during Shannon’s baseball games. Back then, I didn’t know what judging someone meant. I didn’t fear rejection or getting snubbed. I guess one could say I grew up a little and realized that humans are very judgmental and first impressions really count. I didn’t know that before so it came easier, and now that I know that I’m always afraid I’m going to make a fool out of myself - so I usually do.
Anyway, I’ve been at co-op for nearly 2 hours now and I’ve yet to do anything really productive. I have the Monday Flu as Nifty calls it, and I really don’t want to be here. I wish I was sleeping or something. The handbook doesn’t really require my full attention now anyway, since it’s basically done and I forgot to print it out at home so I could organize it today. Oh well, that can be done when I get home today. NB isn’t coming in today, so she’ll never know that I wasted my day reading other peoples blogs and going on facebook - hehe. All we really have to do today [besides the handbook] is call a bunch of members family’s who didn’t get in their kids membership payments, as it was due last week sometime. That’s totally a second half of the day job.
Posted by Sarcastica @
11:12 am |
Friendship Woes
Sometimes things make us realize that we really aren’t as smart as we think. Take today for instance; I thought I was having quite the amusing texting conversations with one of my friends, Adam G. Apparently though, I was having quite the amusing texting conversation with Adam M - one of my other friends. I used to hang out with him a lot last year, when Kyla was my best friend. I lost touch with him though this year, as I lost touch with Kyla. How unusual is it to lose touch with people you were really close with when they both live in the same area and go to the same school as you?
Anyway, I had been asking who I thought was Adam G how his love life was going - as last time we talked online he was having girl troubles. Adam M - who knew who he was talking to - told me that it was great and he was going skating with Kyla, Lisa, and Jeremy. Lisa is Kyla’s new best friend - and Jeremy is her boyfriend. I still thought I was talking to Adam G at this point, so I asked what happened to the other Adam. He responded with “haha, you’re so funny,” as if I was telling some kind of joke. After a while I finally clued in - when Adam M sent me another text that said “no, we’re still together” and then stopped talking to me.
But it got me thinking about grade 11. I had such a great year - despite the whole Lewbag and Skid Head thing. Friendships were strong and I had a huge circle of friends. JD, Kyla, Caitlin, Molson, Crystal, Adam, Rob, Jeremy, Robyn, Lisa, Chris etc…
Last year JD was still hanging out with Jess L, so we didn’t really hang out a lot at school. Kyla, Adam, Caitlin, Molson, Rob and Crystal were the people I hung out with on a regular basis. Kyla and I were uber close, and we talked about things we couldn’t talk about with other people. Kyla was the first - and so far only - person I’ve been able to talk about my “aches and pains”. I feel that other people just wouldn’t get it, but Kyla did. It wasn’t like I was just complaining to her, and it felt like she actually knew and understood.
Grade 12 brought a lot of changes. Everybody changed; I know I did too, I’m not saying I didn’t. Kyla did a lot though. She seems more interested in partying and getting high - stuff I don’t like to do a lot (or at all in the case of pot). Adam, Rob, Crystal and Molson had graduated and nobody ever really heard from Molson again. I still talk to everyone occasionally, but it’s not like it was before. When we were all really close.
Lisa was also one of my friends, we used to talk a lot about guy problems and party a lot. Then she changed too and decided to no longer talk to me. My place as Kyla’s best friend was replaced by both Lisa and another girl, Christine. Caitlin is also sort of being pushed out of the group but she’s sticking fast. She happens to be Rob’s girlfriend, and Rob is Adam’s best friend - therefore she can’t fully be cut out of the group. I know for a fact that Caitlin dislikes Lisa too - and she doesn’t even try to hide it, which is admirable. Caitlin hasn’t really changed, which is good. Still though, I don’t often get the chance to talk to her because she hangs out in that group, and Lisa makes it clear that she doesn’t really want me around.
But throughout this year so far I’ve tried not to let this bug me. Truthfully, it does bug me. I miss the old Kyla and Adam - my old friends. The ones who visited me after my surgeries bearing gifts of skittles, slushies, and get well cards. The Adam and Kyla who didn’t ever treat me like a third wheel, who wanted to beat up any boy who hurt me, who always thought I could do way better then the dicks and pricks I brought around them. The Adam who was more like my big brother, watching out for me, and the Kyla who was like a long lost twin sister. We liked much of the same things and got along perfectly. Before she changed that is.
I know that at any given time this year I could have gone up to them and talked to them - and trust me, I did, it just felt weird. It felt different. Like I had lost my connection with all of them. Kyla would invite me out with them sometimes, but it always felt different, like she was doing it more to be polite then because she actually wanted me there.
I miss the way it was last year, when you didn’t have to fight for any friendships. When your girls came first, well your friends anyway - as Adam and Rob didn’t really fit in the “girls” description. I missed how things weren’t awkward at all. I miss out of everyone Kyla and Adam the most, probably because I spent a lot of time with them outside school.
I don’t know why I’m thinking about all this shit. Probably because theres nothing else to do but think about all the regrets and things lost.
Posted by Sarcastica @
5:27 pm |
Running
As I’ve mentioned, lately I’ve been really busy. How surprising is that? Ever since I started this blog, I’ve barely done anything interesting at all. Now because of co-op I have a lot of petty-but-interesting things happening and barely any time to blog about it.
I start co-op everyday at 9 and usually get off around 4:30. It’s like a real job - and sometimes the days are really long. They tend to drag on and on when all I really want is to go home and sleep. Or read a book. As I mentioned, I was placed in charge of completing the volunteer handbook - a calender type booklet for the volunteers at Sunrise - because I have the really cool, super fast laptop and “thunder fingers” (yeah, it sounds dirty and sexual but I assure you it isn’t. It just means that I type faster then most people my age - and most adults). I also dislike letting anybody near my precious baby. I still get input from D (rarely though, and I don’t follow it anyway because it doesn’t ever make sense), but I’m content doing it myself - for the moment anyway.
On top of the handbook, I’m also helping to run that decorating committee I’ve briefly mentioned for the upcoming fundraiser. Or shall I say helping run it into the ground. I’m not the type of person who can easily speak to an open group, so that meeting I had to run really stunk. G had to “rescue” me; he’s the high school summer student they hired last year and he has a really charismatic personality. He’s awesome with the members - and he knows all this. I don’t know why I ever thought for a moment that I’d have the slightest chance getting summer student this year with him as my competition. Oh well. I might possibly have a full time babysitting job lined up (awesome, I just can’t wait).
We had the “BYOJF (bring your own junk food) Decorating Party” today; only two people showed up. All we were able to complete was the banner - and we didn’t even get to fully complete it. D and I are probably going to have to continue painting the rainbow on Monday, or sometime this week. And when I say D and I, I really mean me.
On top of those things, I’m also helping SF (this really awesome volunteer) plan a going away party for NB (the Program Manager) since she’s resigning. He wants as many volunteers and members to go as possible, and we have to plan this behind NB’s back too. We want it to be a surprise. That’s going to be very difficult because NB knows everything that goes around the office. She has a sixth sense for things like this. Not to mention, someone could accidentally let it slip - like a member or something. So I’m worried about that. SF and I want it to be perfect for her. (Speaking of which - I just emailed him in Pig Latin - as NB is his girlfriend and probably would try to read over his shoulder so I tried to make it difficult).
With my plate filling up, my stress level is rising. I know it’s my fault because technically I don’t have to do all those things; I should divide the work more evenly so that I don’t get loaded with more then D. She seems content to do the smaller portions of work, and doing this will probably end up blowing up in my face. I might over-load myself with a to-do list with no one to help me.
I have trouble relying on people for things. I’ll say I trust them and rely on them but truthfully I’m always skeptical. Truthfully, I doubt that they’ll come through. I’m like this with everyone - even Nifty. The only way I can figure out how to get rid of that habit is for the person to be consistent and punctual. I know it isn’t really fair on the person, but I can’t help it. It’s difficult for a leopard to change their spots - but I’m trying.
Sometimes though, I wonder if it’s even possible to change who you are. I seem to be trying so hard and getting no where. Is it possible?
Posted by Sarcastica @
10:43 pm |
Commitment Issues
As most of my contacts will agree, I have trouble commiting myself for a long period of time to one email address. I’m forever getting new MSN addresses, and switching from using my gmail account to my current hotmail account as my primary email. It’s frustrating for them because they never know where to send my emails.
So I’ve decided to make a vow to myself; no more new email addresses. I won’t make anymore hotmail accounts, and I’ll delete all my old ones. That way when people send me an email to the wrong address, it will tell them my account is deleted. Then they will try again until they get it right. Master idea huh?
Now all I have to do is decide which emailing service I want to go with. Windows Live Mail (which I am quite fond of now actually, it’s pretty sweet) or gmail (which sometimes causes me problems). To help me deside, I’m asking you - the people - which one I should use. Which one do you all perfer?
Now comment me with your answers and help me decide because I clearly need help deciding.
Posted by Sarcastica @
7:16 pm |
Because I Promised
That’s the only reason why I’m posting this horrible picture of myself. Yes, my G1 finally came in today.
I think I’ve figured it out! Drivers licence pictures are meant to look horrifying and ugly so you don’t break any laws and have to show it to anyone. It’s meant to stay hidden in your wallet and never called on.
Posted by Sarcastica @
8:39 pm |
Damn Handbook.
This Volunteer Handbook really is a time consuming job. I have to have it ready by next week, and I was supposed to schedule a meeting with the guy who is going to print it but I couldn’t get through to his voicemail. So I’m waiting until NB comes in so I can ask her what his last name is. Tony the Print guy didn’t seem to work.
But this handbook can FOAD because it’s being such a pain. Or rather, Paint is being such a pain. It’s annoying to have to shrink each individual picture every time I want to make something for the calenders. I know I’m probably making no sense at all but whatever.
Nifty is taking the March Break course in drivers school. He came to Clubnight last night - which by the way was pretty good. My meeting beforehand sucked. He missed that though, he thought I said 6:00 when I really said 5. Oh well, at least he showed.
If I had any hope of getting Summer Student this year, it was dashed by the mere fact that G (cocky current Program Coordinator) will get it hands down - because he was the Summer Student last year. They only usually hire one high school student, last year was an exception because a University student they had hired quit. Nifty still wants me to put in my resume; just in case. But I fear and hate rejection. I bet my resume wouldn’t even get looked at. I’m really not a strong public speaker at all, as the results from my meeting I threw last night showed.
The meeting for the St. Paddy’s Laugh Festival and Dance decorating committee stunk, and only because I was running in. G came in to help and everything seemed fun. I did it and nothing made sense and everyone kept talking.
I guess I just can’t run things. I can organize things, I can plan things, I just can’t run them. Summer Student should be able to take charge and do all of that. So I suppose my summer job will be flipping burgers or babysitting.
Posted by Sarcastica @
5:06 pm |
Drives Me Crazy
The Volunteer Handbook is coming along quite nicely if I do say so myself - seeing as it’s myself doing it. I’m insanely over posessive of my laptop, so that’s why Dezaray hasn’t contributed much to the project. I hate letting people touch it. I have a good reason. I’ve owned two laptops before this one and both times when I let someone else using it (that someone being my sisters) they ended up broken. I can’t have this beauty broken now can I?
Only 3 people have so far signed up for the decorating committee. The first meeting is tomorrow. Dezaray isn’t going to be there to help me run it because she has night school, at first this didn’t bother me because Nifty was supposed to go and with his moral support I figured I’d have no problem, but he’s bailed. Yet again. Apparently he can start drivers school tomorrow.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad he’s finally able to afford drivers school, but everytime he gives me his word about being somewhere he ends up bailing. Usually it’s work related, sometimes its friend related. It always pisses me off though. This whole situation is beginning to sound very familiar to my ears. I’m probably just over reacting again though…
I’ve decided I’m going to stop asking him to do things for me - not that I do it often. Everytime I do he either puts up a huge stink about it or doesn’t want to do it. Like yesterday, when he was already coming to pick me up from the office. I asked him if he could kindly pick Dezaray up as she missed her bus back home. He didn’t have to go any further, all she needed was to get to the street near his street to catch a bus to her house, but no. Just because it would be “awkward” he didn’t want to do it. He loudly declared that he would be late because he now had to clean up the van because he didn’t want her in his car. We were on my cell phone talking, and Dezaray was standing near me. She heard. She called Dial a Ride or something and Nifty showed up with his dad in the van and I told them not to worry about Dezaray coming along. Then Nifty got all mad at me because I put him on the spot. I asked him to do me a favour, I didn’t put him on the spot. I thought he’d be nice about it.
So I’m going to stop asking, expecting, and even wanting anything from him because he doesn’t like when I ask, expect or want anything from him (maybe he doesn’t mind me wanting things, I don’t know. I’m not going to bother anyway).
I am super annoyed with this because not only is it like the 50th time he’s bailed on me, but he decided that since he was doing me a favour by going to the meeting and club night tomorrow that we wouldn’t hang out tonight like we had planned, and he would hang out with his friends instead. We had orignally wanted to go to the movies this Thursday on a date, because we haven’t done anything like that since the early stages of our relationship. He decided to take an extra shift or switch his shift though, even though it was his idea in the first place. So no date.
Whatever. I have a million things to do and I’m in a really pissy mood. Awesome.
Edit: Sorry I haven’t been commenting anyone lately. I’m reading, I swear! I just have no time for commenting people. Don’t hate me!
Posted by Sarcastica @
7:16 pm |
Been A While
As my luck would have it, I got sick with the flu on Valentines Day. So not only did I not get to see Nifty or do anything romantically cheesy and lame but I spent my entire day with the toilet bowl. My dad wouldn’t let me go to co-op the next day because apparently I still looked like shit. I really didn’t want to miss the dance though, or hanging out with Nifty after the dance, so I ended up going to the dance anyway after resting all day. I felt better after sleeping all day, so it’s not like I went sick.
This weekend I worked 35 hours because of the cabin retreat; it was a lot of fun, although I did get my ass kicked by some of the members who decided beating me on a regular basis was fun - haha. When I came home on Sunday I was so tired from the amount of energy camping took that I crashed right away - after an hour shower though.
I’m at co-op now on my hour break. I’ve practically been on the computer all day though, making the Volunteer Handbook. I wanted to make a really sweet creative title page using Photoshop but then I realized I don’t know how to use Photoshop, so that idea is kind of dead? The disks of CDs full of pictures NB gave us to burn onto the computer really weren’t full of pictures - or perhaps our inexperience with transferring files from CDs onto computers deleted them all. I really don’t know…but my point is now I don’t have any pictures to put in the handbook or on the website.
Tonight Nifty and I are hanging out again. We’ll probably sit at his house and do nothing but watch movies we’ve already seen because neither of us have any money. But still, I miss him and it will be fun because we’ll make it fun.
Posted by Sarcastica @
1:26 pm |
