Dull Eyes
I hate the week before exams. All the teachers act like if you don’t do the silly little in-class assignments they hand out then you’ll fail and most likely go to hell. I had an English test today on The Catcher in the Rye, and it was huge. My hand is still cramped from writing! If I had known how long it was going to be then I would have gotten my laptop, but once I had started it I didn’t want to get up and go into resource so I stuck it out. It’s my own fault, I know. I think I did pretty well though, and that’s all that matters. Doing the test helped me realise the true point of the book, which was pretty sweet. Better late then never right?
I was looking forward to not having to go into school on the 26, as I don’t have an exam because I peer help first period. However, thanks to my wonderful associate teacher, I now have to come in and sit in resource with a bunch of the students. It’s stupid, as I won’t be able to help them or anything. So why do I need to go? Mrs. C always acts like every situation is a dilemma when it really isn’t. She’s already going to have both EA’s in, so there is really no point to Rachael and I being there but I will go anyway. I can’t say no to someone who holds the major say in whether I fail or pass.
The only exam I’m really stressing over is my Math exam. I have a pretty solid mark right now, but it will go down because I won’t be able to hand in my “huge” project that’s worth ten percent of my grade. My dad was supposed to help me on it, but I’m afraid to ask him because he might get mad. He’s quitting smoking and quite cranky lately. I don’t blame him, I’d be cranky too if I was quitting smoking. Still though, I doubt I’m going to finish the project in 4 days on my own. I’ll just have to do super good on the exam.
On a side note, I’ve dropped Writers Craft next term. I was supposed to have a spare first period, Writers Craft, then two period co-op in a town that’s 45 minutes away from where I live. It wasn’t a problem last year when we set it up that way, but now my mom’s working nights at Tim Hortons and I was going to have a lot of ride issues. Now I have four period co-op (all day), and my mom will drive me every morning after she gets off work - that way she’s still awake. I’m pretty excited about next term actually, and the prospect of getting to see the boyfriend practically every day is pretty sweet too.
Luckily tomorrow is a P.A Day. I could use a day of sleeping in and wandering around in my P.Js while eating bowl after bowl of Captain Crunch.
Posted by Sarcastica @
6:46 pm |
Of Snow Days and Falling on My Ass
I’m okay, really - I didn’t completely fall on my ass. I just twisted my ankle and snapped my knee. That’s the joy of winter though, I’m a klutz when there’s no snow on the ground, so obviously theres going to be a lot of interesting stories about my winter experiences that will shock and amuse you all.
Anywho, I didn’t get a chance to blog yesterday and I know you were all completely happy about it all really missed me. It was a snow day (or rather, ice day), which was awesome. At first I was really ticked off because yesterday was Neil’s birthday and I was supposed to go down. My dad ended up driving me though because he had to visit a job site that’s near Neil’s house, so I got to spend his birthday with him! He liked the present I gave him - a green bed cover. His old one is really old haha.
When I first got to his house, he showed me his room - which three of his buddies and him had decorated with balloons. They spent all of Saturday blowing up 500 balloons. There was balloons everywhere! I love balloons, I really do. His room was like Pee-Wee’s playhouse for a while - until he took his metal sword to all the balloons and killed them all. I was devastated. I was having a blast playing in the balloons.
(That’s not me in the picture, its one of Neil’s friends with a mumified face. I just put it on to show what I mean by LOTS of balloons. His dresser is really tall too).
Anyway, for the entire day Neil’s little sisters would not leave me alone. Everytime I’m over, they jump all over me and follow me around. I hyperventilate when people invade my personal space, especially when they do it for long periods of time. Not to mention, even before I twisted my ankle and snapped my knee my legs were killing me - his nine year old sister, Olivia, kept jumping on me, and she’s not that light. I’m flattered that they like me, hell, I like them too but I resist the urge to jump all over them.
Olivia also asks awkward questions. Like at dinner. “Why do you lock the door whenever Jessica’s over?” Um…thanks kid. Way to make it look and sound really bad. Luckily Jillian (his 13 year old sister) came to my rescue. She said it was to lock annoying nine year olds out - which it honestly is. When I start hyperventilating, we lock the door to keep them from jumping on me. Hey, I’m dainty - I can only take so much. Then I get to watch as he plays GameCube. It’s ever so fun, but it beats getting trampled on.
Posted by Sarcastica @
10:58 am |
Thinking Out Loud
I’ve been trying for quite some time to come up with an explanation for my crazy mood swings. The day before yesterday, I posted on how I was feeling. Yesterday, I felt great. Today - well, it’s too early to tell how I’ll feel today.
A while ago while we were in the car on the way to a doctors appointment at Sick Kids, my mom told me “With you it’s always one extreme to the next, isn’t there a happy medium?”. I forget what brought that on (probably one of my mood swings) but last night I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Why isn’t there a happy medium? I don’t think I was ever like this a couple years ago - in fact I know I wasn’t like this a couple years ago.
Then I had a brain fart. In grade ten, I went on Marvelon 28 for health reasons. I started thinking that maybe, just maybe, my extreme mood swings had something to do with the pill - after all, birth control pills work by controlling your hormones (or so I read on several websites) so it could be possible that I would feel depression one day and extreme happiness the next because of the pill - right? I’m not sure actually. I Googled it this morning and didn’t get any answers concerning hormonal side effects. But it still seems like a logical explanation, right? And if the pill is effecting my moods like that, then if I got off it things should go back to normal…right? All questions I will have to ask my doctor - whenever I can book an appointment.
The possiblity of a mental illness such as depression has crossed my mind, but how do you know for sure? Maybe all this is just normal teenage girl behaviour. The problem is, I don’t like it. I’ve gotten into a lot of fights with JD on my bad days, so obviously it’s affecting relationships with other people. Not to mention, it’s annoying as hell and I’m at a loss of what to do.
Posted by Sarcastica @
1:03 pm |
It’s National What?
So I’ve read on like eight other blogs that it was National Delurking Week…or something like that. I didn’t get a chance to post yesterday on it, but I still want to know who’s reading, so please leave me a comment with your sassiest moment. You know, when someone insults you, picks on you or says something rude and you come back with a really witty remark.
Here’s mine: On the first day of grade nine JD and I were walking around the school at lunch time. We were pretty content, seeing as nothing bad had happened to us - yet. We walked past a group of grade 11’s, and one of the guys asked me out. I knew he was kidding - you know those really stupid jokes when you “pretend” to ask someone out for their reaction? Yeah. Totally lame. So I said “No thanks.”
“You should lower your standards. I just did,” the little jerkoff said - and yes, he was little, smaller then me.
“I would never lower my standards that low.” was the witty response I had.
Okay, okay, I didn’t actually say it to him but how sweet would it be if I had? I thought about saying it, but since it was my first day of high school I sort of wanted to go without getting my head swirled around in the toliet by the group of really scary girls he was with. Stop snickering, it’s your turn!
Posted by Sarcastica @
12:32 pm |
Sea of Darkness
Warning: I don’t really know what I’m talking about. Actually, I never really know what I’m talking about. This is more or less another venting post. If you don’t want to read it, you don’t have to. Nobody’s holding a gun to your head demanding you read it. Point is if you don’t feel like listening to a 17 year old whine and complain, then don’t. I’m not forcing you to.
*~*~*
I feel like I’m drowning again, and no matter how hard I try I can’t stay afloat for long. No matter how hard I try, I can never fully get out of this imprisonment of dark waters I’ve somehow managed to create. It feels like the water is crushing me, suffocating me, slowly sucking the life from my lungs. When it feels like my last breath is about to be drawn, I suddenly rise to the surface - but only enough to fill my lungs again. Then I’m pulled back down into the depths of darkness.
I don’t even know why I feel this way either. I should be happy, I’m trying to be happy. Sometimes it pays off - if only for a little while - and others it doesn’t. Other times, it feels like I’m living a lie - painting a fake mask of contentment to please those around me. Why can’t I truly make myself happy? I know I’m lucky, I know I have it good, so why is there this sea of darkness all around me?
I don’t know what causes this sea of darkness. All I know is that I’m sick of drowning and suffocating. I’m sick of this routine. It feels like theres no way out of this sea of darkness, not for good anyway. Especially not that I can see.
I could blame it on the stress of school, but the truth is I honestly don’t know what causes it. I know the underlying reason has to be me, I’m just not sure why. I’m set off by little, insignificant things that normal people wouldn’t even have to shrug off because they wouldn’t have felt bothered by it in the first place.
I know I’m being unfair to those around me, those I love. I make everything hard - especially for my boyfriend - and I know doing that will eventually push everyone away from me. It’s so difficult to stop the destruction too. It’s so difficult to get out of the darkness. Those days that I do finally break through to what I hope is the surface don’t seem to last very long. I want out for good.
I’ve tried it all; facing my problems, talking about my problems, even ignoring my problems; but the thing is that I’m not even sure if I even have any problems to begin with. Maybe I’m imgaining that drowning feeling. Maybe that suffocating feeling is just in my head. I can’t think of any other reason why I would feel like this; I have everything.
Posted by Sarcastica @
5:45 pm |
But I Gotta Go!!!
Do you know what really annoys me about high school? Washroom breaks. Take today for example; 20 minutes into class and I really had to go pee. I raised my hand and asked Mr. Redhead - my Math teacher with the temper of a PMSing woman - if I could kindly go. He said “You just had a break. You should have gone then.” I tired to reason with him (which is really embarrassing, saying “But I really have to go!” in a pathetic whiny voice while all your classmates smirk) but he still just assumed that because I’m a teenager, I’m going to cut class and go have a smoke break or something.
For starters, had I needed to go during break, then I would have gone. But I didn’t have to go during break, and I did have to go 20 minutes into class. Not to mention, I have a tiny bladder - or so it seems. Why can’t teachers get that when you have to go you have to go? I finally convinced Mr. Redhead into letting me go, and I was fumming! Obviously, if I’m dancing around in my seat then I really have to go! FOAD stupid teachers who stereotype like that.
Also, FOAD Nifty’s work. They found out that a bunch of employees were drinking a little on New Years. What happened was that someone brought in a thing of wine or something, and everyone working had a glass to celebrate the New Year. It was completely dead in the store when they had the one glass of wine, and nobody was drunk at all. Still though, someone (being that old deaf guy who has a problem with everyone) told on them. Now everyone working that night has been taken off midnights. Nifty’s shifts were all taken away this week and he doubts that they’re going to give him a lot of hours. Which really sucks because he just finished paying for the car his brother sold him. Nifty doesn’t even drink, ever. At his Boxing Day Christmas dinner, we had tons of booze within reach and he didn’t touch any of it - neither did I for that matter - even though his parent’s told him we could. Nifty’s really bummed out about it, because everything was going so good for him and now everything’s screwing up. He’s usually the optimistic one too, so I don’t really know how to cheer him up. So, FOAD Old Man Ratter, for making my baby sad and getting him into shit.
And thus concludes my bitchy complaints for today.
Posted by Sarcastica @
5:44 pm |
In The Clear
To read about my hopsital appointment, click here. I decided it would be really boring if I posted about it on both blogs so if you’re interested in reading about how it went, it’s over there at my MHE blog.
Anyway, lately I’ve been really tired. Even just going to Sick Kids today took a lot out of me, and I slept all the way home and then fell into bed as soon as I got home. I guess I have all my late nights to thank, but damn all those stupid assignments! At least I’ve finally finished my Reflection Journal for Peer Helping. Luckily we were able to make stuff up, which I’m pretty damn good at doing. It was supposed to be on a conflict that happened and how we dealt with it.
Since I’m not very good with dealing with conflicts, I usually let any conflicts that happen during class to my associate teacher or even Rachael. Rachael’s like perfect at everything, and it’s clear that Mrs. C favours her because she’s actually good at this whole peer helping thing and I’m not.
I have a difficult time making myself heard. Communicating and helping the students is really hard for me, so is explaining myself. I don’t know why I have trouble talking to a bunch of grade nines, seeing as I practically never shut up outside of that class. I guess I just don’t want them to think I’m stupid, or maybe I feel stupid by helping them. I suck at spelling - yeah, it’s hard to see that as I try really hard to make sure everything is spell checked but you don’t have a spell check program when you’re helping a grade nine with their seatwork. I’ve taken a couple blows to the ego already by that one girl I mentioned; she usually refuses my help because she wants Miss. P or Mrs. C to help her. It may be a means of stalling, but I took it as “yeah, you’re too dumb to help me.” I’ve helped her in the past and accidently screwed it up thanks to my lovely nonexistent skills in explaining myself and the things she has to do.
In any case, I’m not cut out for this whole peer helping thing. It just doesn’t work for me, I’m not good at it at all. Both Mrs. C and Professor McDreamy (the peer helping teacher) think I suck, so I’m beginning not to care. Yeah, I still try to help out when I can, I don’t just ignore raised hands and sit there, but now I’m more focused on making sure all my paperwork is finished and done perfectly so I can pick up my grade in that way. Needless to say, I won’t be sad to see this term go. In that aspect, I’m practically skipping with joy for exams (and I don’t even have an exam in peer helping, how cool is that?).
But that’s about the only reason why I’m looking forward to this term ending. Exams are coming up, and I still have a million things I need to do in my other three classes. I want to go into each exam with a good mark so that if I bomb the exam then I’ll at least pass because the grade I had going in was good. I’m still going to try, don’t you guys worry, but exams have always been difficult because I freeze on them. They’re so bloody important that you feel so stressed out about getting even one thing wrong, teachers act like if you get a question wrong then you’re condemned to hell for life.
Posted by Sarcastica @
5:27 pm |
Shittastic
To my dismay I discovered while on my lunch break that Dumbass High School Libarian has blocked any url links ending with “blogspot”. No longer can I read blogs when I’m bored at school during lunch break or if I have a spare, because they’re oh so bad. This time, I know it was DHSL and not the board of education because when the board blocks something, the page comes up with “Access Denied“. When DHSL blocks something, it comes up as “page blocked by webmaster”.
This seriously pisses me off. Not only do I read blogs during my free time at school, but they also can be helpful for assignments. A while ago I found a really interest blog about history - and it helped out a great deal with the assignment I was doing. But who cares if you there are educational blogs out there! It’s blogs like this one that are to blame for every single blog being blocked. I personally think that DHSL got all sore after he read my many posts on what a dumb terd he is, so he blocked my blog and all other blogs to spite me. Oh well, I don’t really care. I just think he’s a nut job and needs to be placed in a padded room with a white jacket. (It’s just occured to me that this is my first post of the new year on what a moron DHSL is. Sweet.)
What I do find frustrating is that I have friends living not even 25 minutes away, and they don’t have blocks on every single webpage they try to go on. They signed an internet contract at the beginning of the year - just like we did. Except we shouldn’t have even bothered signing ours because they block every website anyway. They even had hotmail and gmail blocked for the longest time, until the Computers and Business teachers all complained that they needed those two websites so they could have students send them assignments opposed to individually going on each person’s computer to mark the assignment. But whatever. The system is whack, but it’s never going to change - unless I move into that area that is, and I don’t think I’ll do that. I like reading your blogs yo, but I don’t think my parents will get up and move for that purpose alone. Although high speed internet sounds very appealing to me.
Another thing that is annoying me is this girl on my bus. She’s an only child, and she’s spoiled. Daddy’s Credit Card has no limit for her, and she always shows off the new things she gets - a Razer cell phone, a new iPod - and today it was an Apple laptop! When I got on the bus this morning she had it out and was listening to music on it. Um, hello, what happened to the expensive iPod daddy got you? Isn’t that what it’s for? Listening to music? Clearly she just wanted to show it off. I’m not jealous or anything, hell I have a laptop - but I hate it when people do that. I don’t do that, even though I have to use my laptop at school sometime (well the one they provide me with anyway).
There are a lot of kids at my school who can’t afford to look at one, let alone own one, and it’s really dickish to be constantly showing things off and bragging about all the nice things you have. I have my laptops because I need them most of the time to do my work. It’s difficult for me to write for long periods of time. The school board bought me the one that stays at school. And the one I have was $800 bucks. Still, it’s more then most people have and I’m grateful. I love my laptop, it’s better then both of the house computers put together. and I’ve mentioned before that using a laptop at school makes me feel like an alien. I was so excited to get it, until I had to use it during class with all of my classmates staring at me. It was awkward. People usually seem very jealous by the school laptop until I tell them that it belongs to the school, then all jealousy disappears because they know that I’m not bringing it to school to show it off but I’m using it because I have to. But anyway, I just wish someone would shove that girls new laptop down her throat. Everyone is sick of her bragging about material objects.
On the plus side, Neil’s coming over tonight. I’m supposed to pick him up from the bus stop in half an hour…so tonight won’t suck. The rest of the day was shittastic though.
Posted by Sarcastica @
4:54 pm |
I Didn’t Miss This
It’s so depressing when the holiday’s come to an end. No one wants to go back to school after two weeks of careless leisure, I know I sure didn’t.
I couldn’t get to sleep last night, because I just knew what I’d have to deal with the next morning. My demanding peer helping class. I swear, it’s too much to handle. I will never teach high school. High school students are such assholes, especially the grade nines in this class. You try to help them and all they do is give you shit and complain because they don’t see the point in doing whatever they’ve been assigned to do.
One girl in particular really gets on my nerves. She’s got a lot of attitude, worse then Josephine I think - because even though Jo has attitude I know she doesn’t normally have it at school with her teachers and peer helpers, and I know she wouldn’t attack someone who was trying to help her with a nice approach. Every single day she causes trouble by not doing her work and getting the rest of the class worked up with her reasons why she shouldn’t have to do the work assigned. She’s mentioned to me before that she’s dropping out of high school as soon as she’s old enough because she hates school and already has a job lined up with her dad. She doesn’t seem to understand that she still needs to get her high school diploma so she has something to fall back on.
Other then her attitude, I like this girl. I see hidden potential in her. It sucks because she’s in an age were “smart isn’t cool”. I know it sounds pathetic, but most of the grade nines and even a few of the grade tens think that being smart is totally lame and you’re only cool if you’re failing. I’ve been trying since the beginning of school to get her more motivated and to help her see that even though she has a job lined up with her dad, she’d still make more money with a high school education then she would without one. Not to mention there’s that new law about if you drop out of high school you either can’t get your licence or you lose it if you already have it.
Anyway, I’m at a loss for how to deal with students like her in the class. I want to help, but I have no idea how to go about it. What’s worse is none of them seem to even want help or motivation. They just want me to give them the answers, which I hate doing and refuse to do. Some of them don’t even want my help because I’m a student and not a teacher, which is kind of stupid but I personally think it’s just another excuse for them to not do their work. “Oh, I’m waiting for Mrs. C,” is the common retort I get after asking them if they want help.
And I can’t seem to finish Catcher In The Rye - this book we have to read for English. We were supposed to have read it before the holiday’s started, but I’ve still got a couple chapters left. The book doesn’t really interest me at all. *Sigh* I still have to type up all the chapter summaries before Friday. Not to mention, I have to make more steady progress on my English I.S.U. or I won’t be finished by the 15th (when it’s due).
I wish I could rewind time so that it was still the holidays. That or at least slow it down so I had more time to finish the million of things I need to do.
Posted by Sarcastica @
5:28 pm |
Of Napkin Roses
Shannon’s birthday/engagement dinner party yesterday went swell. Nifty was dropped off at my house around 12 p.m and we left for G&P’s around 1:30 p.m. As soon as we got there, Nifty had to go to the washroom (curse that extra large triple triple from Tim Hortons) and he made a move to go downstairs but he saw my Uncle Timmy sitting in the family room. “Oh shit.” he mumbled, and then went upstairs. Josephine and I found this to be extremely funny, because Nifty’s only ever met my uncle once and he’s already sick of him. I guess I should have mentioned that Uncle Timmy was going to be there.
That aside, it was a pretty good dinner. I didn’t get any creepy hugs - mostly because I stuck by Nifty’s side the entire night. I think someone should take a crash course in explaining to Uncle Timmy how you’re supposed to hug female members of the family. I feel bad avoiding him because he’s got a big heart and all, but he’s a little creepy with the hugs and sometimes with what comes out of his mouth. We are his nieces, and he should watch what is said around us. For some effed up reason, he was talking about the Austin Power’s movies and how in Goldmember Mini-Me or whatever was humping Beyonce’s leg. Then he sort of demenstrated it from where he was sitting on the chair. Um…okay. Nifty couldn’t meet my eyes because we would burst out laughing if he did.
And there was one semi-creepy incident when Nifty was sitting on the floor in front of the chair I was in. He wanted a back rub because his back was sore from working all night. I started to give him one but Uncle Timmy was just sitting there staring. His staring was throwing me off and making me really suck at giving Nifty the back rub - seeing as I’m usually really good at it. “Are you giving him a back rub? I wish someone would give me a back rub! Uncle Timmy never gets back rubs!” he said. Obviously I had a very witty reply to that, and said “For obvious reason,” outloud - then stopped giving Nifty “the worst back rub of his life”. I had to explain to him later on why it was the worst back rub of his life, then he got it.
Before dinner, we were taking pictures of “the girls and Granny”, and Nifty was in the kitchen. I thought he was bored because he was playing with a napkin, so I went into the kitchen after a couple of the pictures were done and nearly ran into him. He handed me a rose made out of the napkin he was playing with and told me that I looked a little sad the day before and he wanted to make me smile.
He’s such a sweetheart. He was exhausted yet he was still thinking about me and wanting to make me smile, which he always manages to do - even when I’m in the middle of trying to be mad at him. After he made me one, he made my Granny one too. It was so cute. Poor Nifty, he’s naturally a quiet guy and mumbles when he talks to people he doesn’t really know. He kept trying to talk to Granny but she couldn’t really hear him. I told him not to get discouraged, that Granny wasn’t ignoring him. I think my Granny reminds him of his Granny - he’s only met her three times and he’s quite fond of her already. He’s even bragged about her before to his mom, which was cute.
Dinner was so mouth-watering good! Granny makes the best pasta around, and Nifty loved the salad. Granny kept trying to make sure everybody got thirds - Daren thinks she’s got a bit of Italian in her haha. The cake was also really good - I brought home most of it because no one wanted it but me and Papa, so we halfered it.
When we had to go, Nifty went into the kitchen to thank Granny for the wonderful dinner. She hugged him! I was really pleased. Three meetings and he gets a hug! That says something good. I’m really glad he ended up coming, even though I feel a little bad because he almost quit his job this morning. He was so tired and it was so busy that he got really pissed. Luckily they let him go home at 6 instead of 8 so he’ll get a few more hours of sleep in.
****
EDIT: I was going to mention the nickname I almost gave him a while back for my blog. Because I am known as Miss Misery, I wanted to give him a blog nickname too - the problem is that I’m very uncreative when it comes to giving things nicknames. Guess what my orignal idea was? Mr. Happy, because he’s a very positive person. However… I figured most people would get the wrong impression…..
Posted by Sarcastica @
11:28 am |
