Always Here
October 14, 2006
I hate feeling guilty for stuff that wasn’t really my fault. Last night, yet another arguement broke out between Kate, Josephine and I. I can’t even remember how it got started, it was just that trival. Probably over the internet jacks or something. Mom had been using her work computer and I was using the house computer line on my laptop, and when she went out for the evening I forgot to put everything back to normal so it would be all hunky day when Josephine got home. I did a quick switch-a-roo before I went to bed. Of course, Josephine was online and was being a bitch and wouldn’t sign off. I was already under the table putting weight on my weird feeling leg (I still don’t have all the feeling back in it and leaning on it feels weird and kind of painful) so I just did it and it obviously kicked her offline. I had warned her that if she didn’t hurry up and tell her little friends she would be right back, then I would do that but she kept telling me to wait. Well excuse me, but waiting hurts. I can’t put my full weight on my knee, because it hurts. Josephine doesn’t seem to ever understand that.
Then she started calling me a dyke and Kathrynn stuck up for me. Kathrynn chose that moment to repeat my concerns I shared with her to Josephine, in turn pissing Josephine off and making her call our parents. It seems like whenever they go out and we get into a fight, someone always drags them into it. Usually it’s Josephine. I used to do it, but not anymore because I’ve realized that the reason my parents go out is to escape the drama so calling them to bitch and moan about things isn’t very thoughtful.
Kathrynn got really pissed off and said something really hurtful, that she definately didn’t mean but Josephine took it to heart anyway. She said that she wouldn’t count Josephine as our sister. Part of Josephine’s attitude problem is that she feels seperated from us as a sister. No matter what I do to try and convince her this isn’t true and that we do love her, she just has it in her head that she can’t come to us.
It’s probably more then likely because of the things we say in the heat in the battle. When your pissed off and fighting with sibblings, you am to burn. After the words come out though, and you see the look on one of their faces, you instantly regret it. I know this and that’s why I don’t hold grudges against my sisters. Shit happens, people say things they don’t mean. I know that if I ever had a problem they would be there for me, each in their own ways.
I don’t know how to get through to Josephine. I don’t know how to let her see that her attitude and the way she treats people is wrong. I can’t seem to explain to her that how she’s acting at school is bad. It’s like she’s seeking attention from people at school that she doesn’t think she’s getting at home but if she were to open her eyes then maybe she’d see that we are here and that’s why we “pick” on her.
Hell, it’s happened to me before too. Both Shannon and Kathrynn planned an intervention because they thought I was depressed, and the stuff they said hurt me but opened up my ears and I changed because of it, but Josephine is almost a lost cause because she can’t see and won’t see.
After the fight, I wrote her a letter. I hope it helps her in the future. I just told her that despite fights and hurtful things said in the heat of the moment, she would always have us and that we would always be here.
October 15th, 2006 at 10:08 am
I don’t have any advice, but I wanted you to know I love all of you…and I hope one day you will look back on all these fights and laugh…
Love Karen
xo
October 17th, 2006 at 1:10 pm
You’re a good, thoughtful person, and you empathise with those around you.
People like this have strong a desire to help the people they love, which, while not a bad thing, can become a problem if it gets out of hand.
There is a tendency to feel responsible for the troubles of
Nevermind the sermon.
Long story short, eventually we all have to learn that we can’t control other people and they’re going to make their own decisions, many of which we won’t agree with, and we have to let them choose for themselves regardless of how much it hurts to watch them make mistakes you know will do nothing but cause them pain.