I Don’t Suppose So
Another day gone by of being tortured by my thoughts, but it’s my own fault and I know. I shouldn’t have gotten into this mess to begin with. No matter how good my intentions are, things always get fucked up. I know I say often that I’m going to give up on helping people because I end up not helping them and I know that never seems to stick with me, but once more I’ll say it. Or at least from hense forth I will only help people after I think the entire situation out, both good and bad parts that could go wrong.
Then maybe I won’t rush to help someone out in the l-o-v-e department. I know I should stop to think things through, but thinking and me don’t seem to go together like pie and ice cream.
It’s kind of funny, I’m listening to this song called “You Can’t Hurry Love” by the Dixie Chicks (haha I know, my deep dark secret is I listen to country late at night. I don’t know why, it’s just something I do). I was finally beginning to accept the fact and be comfortable with being on my own, and suddenly someone wants to be with me - only I can’t be with them even though I want to because I don’t want to hurt someone. How come this always works out that way for me? I was finally beginning to come to terms with the fact that you don’t need a boyfriend (which I still know is true, I mean I’m not just going to date someone for the hell of dating someone. I’ve gotta like them). Funny how things work out.
Anywho, I went to Merina’s house today with my parents because our parents are tight and Merina and I are starting to hang out. She’s pretty cool. We put makeup on her boyfriend, and don’t get the wrong impression. This kid just isn’t immature about things like that, I mean he won’t freak out if Merina kisses him with lip gloss. Hell, he let us put mascara on him. Now I’m jealous, my past boyfriends all got pissed off if I kissed them with chap stick on because it’s supposively considered makeup and guys who wear makeup are instantly labeled “drag” or something like that. I’m not entirely sure how the male mind works. Hell, I’m not entirely sure how my mind works.
Am I the only one who gets confused by their own actions and thoughts? I have no idea. Sometimes I wonder how come I’m such a dumbass. I never think, and if I do think I over analyze so much that I can’t think, if that even made sense.
Not to mention, I have this horrifying ability to make anything I say sound completly dirty - and I mean unintentionally too! Like when I had pretty much just arrived at Merina’s and gotten settled in the basement with them. I was trying to tell Merina a funny story that had happened earlier on today, but first I had to explain why it was funny - you know, so I tried to explain my horrifying ability to make everything sound dirty. Josh, Merina’s boyfriend, starting choking on his burger.
Let’s just say I’m never going to share funny stories with people I just met again.
Posted by Sarcastica @
12:52 am |
Current Situation
I know the majority of my posts are about guys and the what not, but hey, I’m a teenage girl. You can’t blame me. Plus theres nothing else really going on in my life, except for me now not being able to go camping. I wasn’t aware of the fact that we would be sleeping in tents, which I’ve never been able to do in my life. I know that some of the members are in worse condition then I, like wheelchairs, but I’m supposed to be the volunteer helping the members, and I can’t do that if I can’t move. Plus my parent’s won’t let me.
Anyway, I wanted to blog about my current situation. I’m friends now with this really sweet girl who recently moved into the area. She’s great, really funny and I’m sure she agrees when I say we have fun hanging out. She probably has a ball laughing at me being an idiot, who doesn’t. Anywho, her name is Sam, and she just so happens to really like Devon.
I’ve not told her yet about our complicated past and our even complicated present. I don’t know how to, because she’s still upset over the fact that he said there couldn’t be anything there kind of thing. I would be too if someone didn’t give me a chance, OH WAIT, it was like that for me back in grade nine when Devon did the same thing. So I can really relate to what she’s going through.
And I feel really guilty because Devon didn’t give her a chance because he likes me, or at least that’s the impression I got. I’m not too good with reading people and understanding what they mean apparently, but still I feel guilty anyway. Sam really trusts me, enough to tell me stuff that really bugs her, and I’m now terrified to lose my new friend and her trust in me over a guy. So I’m at a loss for what to do!
I don’t know what would happen if she found out about it, and I know I should tell her but I really don’t want to hurt her. Hurting someone is the last thing I want to do. I know I need to tell Sam very soon, but I do not want to tell her online or over the phone, because she deserves more then that.
I’m hoping that when my cousin Mike comes down for a couple of days, we can go to the movies with Sam and they could hit it off. Mike’s also unlucky in love, and I’m hoping they’ll have a lot of things in common. Only downer is Mike is a year younger then us, and I’m not too sure how much his maturity has grown over the last while. Last time I was at his house I thought it’d be funny if he took a tampon and put it in his mouth then drink some water, and he did it for shits and giggles so I’m hoping he’s now, uh, grown up a little. Another downer is that he lives 40 minutes away. Another downer still is I know that this won’t work either, but I’m desperate to make everything all good.
It’s pissing me off because I don’t know what to do and I’m certainly lossing sleep over it. It takes me forever to fall asleep because my mind is full of those thoughts and my confusion over what I’m supposed to do to make everyone happy, including me. I need to find some way of doing that, because I don’t want anyone hurt. Right now my eyes are burning because I’m exhausted and I didn’t get to sleep until like three for the fifth night in a row and I had to get up early so I could call the Sunrise Building and tell them I couldn’t make it.
Posted by Sarcastica @
10:20 am |
They finally said I was an adult!
Usually when I go to the movies, I am blessed with tickets that say “child” on them. Tonight however, after buying my ticket to see the animated film Cars, I realized that for once I was considered an adult! That just figures.
Anyway, we got to the threaters and Caroline and her friend Sasha walked in about five minutes after we arrived. I didn’t recongize Caroline at first because of the way the light was but yeah. Everyone bought their tickets for Cars except for Caroline and Sasha, they couldn’t actually stay for the movie because they needed to be home before eight and clearly no movie starting at that time would be over by then. So we walked to Bulk Barn to buy candy.
Adam’s girlfriend is pretty nice, and she’s funny. I’m glad he’s finally found someone emotionally stable and intellectual.
The movie was alright. It was funny, but I really wanted to see Click or The Lakehouse. It’s kind of weird that all these movies coming out now are animated but whatever. Larry the Cable Guy was really funny as Mater, so it is worth seeing. Maybe not in threatres when you see the overall price of popcorn and drinks it’d be better to rent.
In a couple weeks, we’ll totally do it again and see Pirates of the Caribbean. Only this time I’m thinking of bringing someone along for Sam, in hopes that they’ll hit it off. But I don’t know whos’ worthy enough. Most of the guys I know are a little…immature haha.
I still don’t know how I feel about him. Sometimes I’m sure I like him, and then other times I have doubts. My mom thinks I should casually see him and see where that goes. So I’m going to invite him to that family party, I want Karen and Joel to meet him. He has a mohawk now, and it doesn’t look too bad but I miss his longer hair. It’s kind of hard to run your hands through a mohawk.
Tomorrow I’m going camping until Sunday with SYG. It should be fun. It’s at a beach, but I won’t be swimming at all.
Posted by Sarcastica @
11:35 pm |
A Bad Soap Opera
My life lately has been like a really bad soap opera. I’ve pretty much watched it on Passions or something equally cheesey.
Just as I’ve been sitting here trying to figure out if he’s even worth the effort, I came accross the realization that I’m too tired to care. I’m too tired to keep trying, so I say nay. Fuck it.
Besides, I think I’m pretty much unstable now or would be in relationships, thanks to past relationships. Now I won’t know if a kind word is actually meant or if it’s a way of trying to gain my trust. If I got in one with him, I’d probably push him away and pull him back and fuck him up more then he is. I don’t want to turn another person to coke (like I supposevily did before). Not to mention, I don’t need to get fucked up anymore as it is either.
Excuse my language folks, it’s late and I’m bitter.
A question for all you experienced adults; when a guy likes your personality over your body, is this a good thing? Or shall I be deeply offended that the only [known] person who likes me isn’t all that attracted to the package?
Posted by Sarcastica @
10:22 pm |
WTF!!?!?!?
Guy’s are retarded. There’s just no other way to put it. They say one thing and mean a completely different thing, and I’m really at my wits end about it.
As I mentioned, I was trying to hook up D with one of my friends who has a crush on him. Tonight, for the sake of knowing and making sure it wasn’t going to blow up in her face, I asked him if he wanted to give her a chance and he replied with “she isn’t my type”. Seeing as this is his answer pretty much every time a girl likes him, I asked him what his type was. He said “ur my type.”
What. The. Fuck. This is the same guy that’s pretty much been saying “no” to me since ninth grade. What the hell. And then he says upon further questioning if he liked me that “I was his type and after that he didn’t know”.
I have no idea what he’s getting at, or even trying to explain. All I know is guys suck major monkey balls.
Posted by Sarcastica @
12:14 am |
I Lied
I guess I spoke to soon when I said I wouldn’t be doing anything for Canada Day. After complaining to Devon, he invited me to go along with him and his mom and her boyfriend into town for fireworks and a concret type thing. We thought OS2L would be playing, but we missed the show.
It was actually pretty funny, Devon’s mom’s bf, Doug, must have gotten the wrong impression and thought Devon and I were together or something. He kept talking about brownie points and stuff, like when Devon went into his dad’s house when we dropped Amy (his sister) off so he could get a coat and brought me one out - it was dark green and he told me he got it so that it matched my dark green pants lol! So Doug kept giving Devon pointers the whole night and informing him whenever he lost brownie points and why. So yeah, it was amusing.
We saw Santino and talked to him for a bit, then went to Macs and Devon got me one of those candy necklaces (cause I didn’t have money and he had a lot). I got to throw in a smart jab at an ex about it being the best necklace ever because although it was ugly I could eat it and I didn’t have to wear it - I’m good that way. One of his friends was near by too, haha.
The fireworks were pretty good. We had a bunch of kids sitting behind us and they were like five and calling the fireworks guy an idiot for being so “friggin’ slow” and a dog barking madly in somebody’s car but still. It was a way better night then what I had planned.
Posted by Sarcastica @
10:57 pm |
Happy Canada Day Everyone!
Today is a day of B.B.Q’s, fireworks and parties. Too bad I won’t be doing any of that. I’m stranded at home all alone, my parents took off for the day on their bikes to go to a friends cottage. My younger sister is at her friends house and my older sister took off to Wonderland…to watch the fireworks tonight.
It was supposed to be Kate and I at home today, but she has a boyfriend and a car and she left for Wonderland. So I am the only one in my entire family stuck at home for the entire day. Plus I don’t get to see fireworks tonight. It’s my third year in a row missing the fireworks.
At first I wasn’t too bummed out about it, I saw the perfect opportunity to have a friend over. I miss-planned one thing though; all my friends have social lifes and jobs. Kyla’s gone for the weekend (to Adam’s cottage I’m guessing) and JD has to work. I didn’t bother calling anyone else because it is Canada Day after all and people already have plans. Not to mention, Kyla and JD are the only two who can put up with doing a whole shitload of nothing. Everyone else wants to get crunked and go places.
So here I am, all by my lonesome trying to keep myself entertained. It would be a lot easier to enjoy having the house to myself if I didn’t have to be here all the time. I have major cabin fever. I’ve pretty much read every book in this house that catches my interest and watched every movie we own, and the computer is driving me insane because I’ve been on it so often.
I’ve decided that while I have nothing better to do, I’ll study for my G1. Yes, it’s true…I’ve yet to even finish reading the offical driving handbook. So I’m going to get on that and write my G1 before the middle of July. I was going to go with Kyla and her sister, but I don’t know how soon (or late in Kyla’s case) they are planning on going. My goal is by the middle of July.
And I’m also going to start looking around for a job. A job that’s not at Tim Hortons, McDonalds or any other fast food place. A job I can actually feel confident doing and not want to kill myself for. Back in the days of horror when I worked at Tim Hortons, all I wanted to do was hang myself. The job was unbearable, and the only way I could get through a single shift was to think dark thoughts about everyone I served disappearing. I know - cruel and cold - but I had no choice. I only thought dark thoughts towards the people who annoyed me or were jackasses - so that’s everyone again. Anyway, I want a job were I can actually smile at people and mean it.
A job that doesn’t involve coffee, donuts, flipping burgers, or any of that other crap. There are certain people who can flip a burger with ease and serve a bitchy customer with a patient smile on their face - I’m not one of them. I’m the type of moody teen who gives the crap right back. Sure, there are some days when I could take it - like the first three months of the job when I was being carefully watched by managers - but after that, I didn’t put up with it. My “have a nice day’s” were filled with sarcasm that clearly hinted I didn’t give to shits if the bitchy old lady had a nice day, in fact I’d laugh if she didn’t.
Now the irony of all this is that the bitchy old lady would get insulted with my “tone of voice”, which really makes me laugh. Working in the food industry goes against everything you were ever taught in kindergarden; treat others how you want to be treated. I was nice and friendly to those who were nice and friendly to me, but if someone acted like a jerk to me I gave it right back. Especially towards the end of my career as a coffee pouring, donut grabbing expert. I don’t see the fairness in having to serve someone plus put up with their complete bullshit.
And that my friends, is why I would never suit the life of a fulltime food industry slave. That’s why I refuse to apply for another job at any other fast food joint. In fact, I’d get paid more if I shined Johnny Depp’s shoes or something.
Posted by Sarcastica @
2:24 pm |
