That’s Right, It’s All About Me
May 19, 2006
I’m glad we’ve reached that understanding, because now you know that I’m ever so selfish and “wrong”. Apparently, how I feel is wrong. It’s alright for JD to be upset and selfish, but I can’t because it’s wrong. But we already knew that “all I care about is getting my own way”. After all, I’m that kind of person.
I’m pissed right now, and this is my blog and I’ll write whatever the hell I want to in it. I don’t care if it upsets anyone at the moment, because this is how I let off steam.
Last night, I got into an arguement with JD online. I had just found out that one of my other friends was talking about stuff she knew nothing of. She said that when I was in that relationship with Lewbag, I was “controlling and bossy”. WHATEVER. I hardly ever asked him anything! Yes, I did try to get him to come over to my house because my dad wanted to meet him. It doesn’t matter who I see or for how long I see them, my parents - my father especially - wants to meet them so they know what kind of person I hang out with. Everytime Lewbag said he would come over for dinner, he chickened out. It was probably because he had this image of my dad in his head, the big biker guy with tattoos and a loaded gun. So what if my dad drives a Harley, he’s the gentlest guy in the world - except for when you mess with one of his girls. My daddy can spot the shitters right away, and maybe Lewbag knew this fact. Lewbag was my first actual relationship, so I had no idea how to act, and I think I did a pretty good job of being me. Yes, some nights I’d ask him to stay in - but that was only if my legs were sore. I thought it didn’t matter where we were if we were together. Lewbag seemed to understand, but obviously he didn’t. The point is, I asked little of him. If he thought I was bossy, then he’s retarded. I did whatever he wanted 99% of the fucking time, there were things I would have liked to do (such as go on actual dates) that I never brought up because he didn’t have a job and that means no money for such things.
I don’t even know why I was bothering to explain myself there, fact is that person did not know the whole story. That person wasn’t a part of that relationship, and they had no right saying such things. That person really upset me by saying the reason things ended up the way they did was because I was bossy. If asking for the occasional thing is being bossy, then I’m bossy.
So anyway, back to the arguement last night with JD; it basically started with me telling her my post last night (which I deleted because it didn’t make any sense - when I write stuff extremely pissed off it tends to be, well crap) wasn’t about her. I was - am - really pissed off because lately, JD seems so wrapped up in her own life and it’s going ons to even notice other people that aren’t in her immediate line of vision. I’m not in that immediate line of vision because I am not Cody or Jess L. I have still been feeling “pushed aside” lately by her, and she doesn’t go out of her way to prove that point so whatever. Last night was like a breaking point, and I was really upset because JD always has “other plans”. Last night was Kyla’s birthday, and we invited JD to come over, but she had other plans. Ok, that’s fine, but I asked her what she was doing this weekend because we might have thrown a party for Kyla. What was her answer? She had other plans. Plans with the same people she hung out with last weekend.
I have a wide variety of friends, and not all of them get along. I try to make sure that each one of my friends gets time and attention with me, because that’s how I am. For instance, I hung out with Robyn, Lisa and Jeremy Monday, and we made plans to hang out yesterday but Kyla was having a birthday party so I talked to Robyn, Lisa and Jeremy about it and they were completely cool with me backing out.
So JD wrote me a note today, and made Chelsee give it to me. That makes it not merit an actual repsonse - yeah, I’m sort of responding to it by blogging but I didn’t see the point in writing another letter. I’d rather say it to her face, but frankly I’m too mad right now. I’d end up saying something I’d regret. Where does she get off saying that I was wrong for telling her how I felt? Yeah, maybe I could have been a little nicer about it, but I have been keeping it inside for quite some time and when I blow, I blow. All pent up feelings of hurt, neglect and frustration explode out, and I can’t control how I act. JD didn’t want to hear it though because she was upset that Cody didn’t show up at her house last night. Selfish much?
JD may “be there” while I’m recovering from surgeries, but where the hell is she in between? She complains that I invite her last minute and “last” to parties and gatherings. In response to that, mostly every single plan we make has been last minute, and how the fuck can I invite you first if I never see you??? People love to think they are the only one that’s right. I’m not saying I’m completely right, but I’m definetly not wrong. My “friends” don’t label my feelings as wrong. My “friends” make time for me, and I make time for them.
Right now I am so very pissed off at JD. Her MSN name is something like “this time I’m not backing down, you did something wrong not me.” It pisses me off how close minded she is. She expects the world to bend to her every fucking need. She’s aloud to talk nonstop about all the fucking guys she likes, but I can’t. She apparently doesn’t like hanging out with me because “all I talk about is Andy or whoever”. Sorry for thinking my best friend wanted to hear the going ons in my head. Kyla doesn’t have a problem with being there, so why the fuck does JD? JD really needs to open her pretty blue eyes and take a good look around. I don’t care if this upsets her, she needs to learn how to listen. I was always here for her to lean on, but it isn’t my problem that she never chose to come to me with her issues. It pisses me off when she says that “I never listen”, in order to listen, you need to be told stuff.
At the end of the note, JD signed off with “I am very selfish because what you did was wrong”, newsflash: you’ve been selfish for quite some time now. I never tell people how they feel is wrong, so don’t tell me my feelings are wrong. That’s just telling me you don’t care, and that my feelings don’t matter.
Oh, and JD: if you look unapporachable at school, then don’t expect people to flock towards you. Sometimes, you have to do the talking.
I probably will delete this sometime down the road, most of the stuff I wrote was in anger, and I always feel guilty afterwards. But right now, she stays.
