A really bad episode of Laguna Beach
May 20, 2006
That’s what it feels like now, like I’m trapt in a really bad epsiode of Laguna Beach. If anyone hasn’t seen that show and doesn’t know what the hell I’m talking about, it’s basically about a group of “friends” that are really all back stabbing bitches. It’s pretty much just a high school reality TV show filmed in an eight month span with actual happenings.
Apparently it was “sinking low” to post about how mad I was, even though it’s completely ok if JD does it or if I do it regarding someone else, but if it’s about her then it’s low. Cry about it, like writing a note instead of talking to my face wasn’t low. The only reason why I didn’t talk to her in person about this is because she acts like she doesn’t want to solve anything. She works so hard on her other friendships because she “hates losing friends”, but when it comes to me it’s like she doesn’t even give two shits and that hurts.
Yes, maybe it was wrong of me of how I went about telling how I felt, but would she have listened anyway? No. What JD needs to understand (although she won’t cause she never does, she’ll just think I’m trying to butter people up or something) is that I’m under a hell of a lot of stress lately. I am scared shitless about going to the hospital on May 29th, only 9 days away. I’m not scared of being cut open again, I’m scared of the after math. Recoveries are frigging scary, that’s something she’ll never understand. She bitched and moaned about me missing a lot of school last time, granted, that was only for an arm surgery but I became addicted to the pain medication. That’s very scary, and I am not looking forward to having the dosage upped again because I grew used to it. Not to mentioned I’m worried about my grades. Yes, they are okay right now but when I miss more school they are bound to go down and I’m pretty sure I’ll do horribly on the exam. Not to mention, both my knees are being done, which means I’ll more and likely be in a wheelchair, but I’ll stop at nothing to make sure it doesn’t come to that. Being in a wheelchair makes me feel dependant on everyone else who probably doesn’t want the responsiblity of helping me, which is completely understandable.
I am scared, and when I get scared I get angry because I should be used to it all by now, people expect me to be the brave one and take it all in stride. JD has been my friend since grade 8, and we used to be best friends. I know people grow apart in high school, but she’s close with everyone else, just not me. And it hurt to see me slowly go from number one top eight on her myspace to not even there at all. It’s kind of funny, I wonder if she’ll show Chelsee and them my blog now. I think she just likes everyone to believe I’m the evil bitch that’s wrong.
Well I’m not wrong, I’m hurting. And she doesn’t care, so I don’t see why I have to apologize for her not being there for me when I needed her. I thought she was my best friend, but she couldn’t make time for me. I thought she cared when I was upset or lonely, but it was all an annoyance if I talked to her about it. I feel like I need or want a boyfriend because not only do all my friends have someone, but he could possibly understand more then they could. They all have a shoulder to cry on, and I have no one. My friends get annoyed if I talk about anything that is upsetting me, so it still upsets me because it hasn’t been resolved. Even then, they couldn’t truly understand unless they walked one mile in these shoes.
JD was not there for me this past like two months, so why did I always try so hard to be there for her? Except one night when my exhaustion got the better of me and I didn’t want to talk about Cody. I wanted to find out what was changing, why I wasn’t good enough anymore. My mom always says you shouldn’t have to try so hard to be someones friend, and since day one I’ve tried to be JD’s friend. Even when she made fun of me with Amanda, I wanted to be her friend. JD’s loyal, but I guess I’m no longer worthy of that loyality. She’d much rather hang out with people who hate me and talk about what an evil bitch I am.
I hate that I hurt all the time. I hate that I’m losing a friendship I don’t want to lose because she no longer cares enough to work things out. I’m insecure and stressed out, so she walks away. I guess that just goes to show who your real friends are.
It hurts losing friends, it really does. Like I mentioned before, I’m a guilty person and I always blame myself. But why should I blame myself for her not understanding what I’m going through? She’s already let go of our friendship, she doesn’t give to shits about it. If she did, she’d show that she cared. She hasn’t.
