Up and Chairing
My surgery was yesterday and according to my doctor it went well. Today the have me up in a wheelchair for exercise, and so I can take the pressure off of my back and tailbone. My legs are really sore, and the morphine button dulls it slightly but not as much as I’d like. I’m not too sure when I’ll be on my way home, but I hope it’s before Friday. I would like to see Kathrynn off for her prom, which is on Friday. Not to mention I’m sick of all the beeping and buttons.
Right now my right food has fallen asleep and mom’s rubbing it to try and get it awake. I’m feeling a litltle cranky and tired, and very sore. My right leg has a grey brace for more support because one of the surgery sights was underneath my knee, they had to lift up several tendons to get to the bone that was causing them to snap and hurt. My other leg just has a normal white bandage on it. I’m able to move that leg better then my right at least. Most of the sensation in my legs is pins and needles, numbness and something else. My legs hurt so much right now. I know I’m complaining, but I really can’t help it. I’ve been trying very hard to remain calm and not complain to my parents, they already have enough on their plates.
I am feeling very sore and tired, I think I’m going to go back to my room. I just might possibly update tomorrow if I can get out of bed.
Posted by Sarcastica @
11:51 am |
Sugar High
Last night was something else, it was just Kyla, Molson, Caitlin and I. We ate an entire cake to ourselves and it was really good, Kyla made it. We walked up town to buy Rice Crispe Squares but the guy at the corner store sold me stale ones so they tasted like crap. Last time I was at Kyla’s, we bought one of those frozen cakes and THAT was stale too. So no more buying food from that store.
We watched several movies, starting with American Beauty, followed by a Walk to Remember, American Psyco and finally The Girl Next Door. We talked and joked around, ate the horribly stale Rice Crispes and enjoyed a night without the guys (well, Cailtin and Kyla did. Molson and I don’t have guys to enjoy a night off from lol).
During American Psyco, I went on Kyla’s computer because I wasn’t following the plot too good. By that point I was a little tired. Devon was online, and we talked for a while. I asked him if the thing he told me at the semi after party was the reason why he didn’t want to be with anyone, and then he said “I don’t want to talk about it so forget it”. Then we kinda argued because he said that I was trying to be a shrink, so I said “did it ever occur to you that I was just trying to be there for you and be a friend?”. So yeah, it was an interesting night.
Caitlin, Molson and I are all cell phone junkies. We were texting people throughout the movie and complaining that there was no signal in her basement. Kyla’s taking my old cell phone for a “test drive” to see if she can handle it, she doesn’t feel responsible enough to own a cell phone - which is funny. She said she’d probably loose it.
Well today is Josephine’s birthday, and my grandparents are here so I’m going to go spend some time with the family. I’ll update soon - hopefully lol.
Posted by Sarcastica @
3:19 pm |
Something Solo
This time it wasn’t my idea - completely at least. Mom mentioned that the Solo Mobile phone was on sale, it’s basically the phone of my dreams. Free text messaging, unlimited local calls every night after 8 pm until 7 the next morning and weekends, this 10-4 thing that sounds pretty cool - but I won’t dare try until I can foot the bill for myself. Right now my parents are paying for it, because I don’t have a job. But at least it’s cheap, 25 bucks a month with 100 minutes throughout the day, and all that other stuff I said before. Much less expensive then my last phone, even though that was a pay as you go. I think my text messaging robbed me of all my minutes with my other phone because it was very expensive to send text messages, but I did anyway because people sent them to me…and I sent them back…and so began the never ending cycle. And I’ve decided to offer my old cell to Kyla, because she often complains that she’s the only one without a cell phone. I know she doesn’t have a job so I won’t be anal about getting paid right away, I’ll wait - so long as she eventually gives me cash. The phone cost me 209 bucks when I bought it, then another like 2000 bucks was spent on downloads and minute cards, so I’m hoping to get around a hundred dollars for it - hopefully.
Anyway, today was an interesting day. Mr. Hotty looked very stylish today, he was wearing a shirt that I had actually picked out at the mall - well not for him, I saw that shirt before I even had Mr. Hotty as a teacher, when we went shopping with mom’s friend Sandy and her daughter. I pointed it out to Marina and said if I had a boyfriend I would make him buy it. And Mr. Hotty has that shirt.
Mr. Hotty was also very kind to me today, he wished me luck and gave me an assignment early so I wouldn’t be behind next week. The best part was he didn’t talk down to me or pity me like most of my teachers do.
Tomorrow should be interesting, I’m a little disappointed that JD can’t go, because I would have loved for her to go but she has to work and that’s understandable. Still though, it should be some night. We’re going to bake cakes and cookies and pig out on junk food, which is like my second favourite thing to do.
Posted by Sarcastica @
8:29 pm |
Putting Away My Dancing Shoes
Tonight was the Toga dance at SYG. I had lots of fun, mainly because Meghan wasn’t there and because Andrew was. I haven’t seen Andrew since New Years, and he always manages to make me laugh.
Josephine came with me, she was really shy and stuck to me like glue for half the night. It was kind of frustrating but I understand, I was just as nervous my first event. I think she had fun once she was a little more comfortable though. She certainly got along with a few talkitive members, lol.
Andrew was talking about how he was going to have a party and invite everyone, as well as we’re going to the old mental hospital because it’s supposively haunted so that should be fun, but I hope we make it sometime later on in the summer or I won’t be going.
Well I’m going to turn in, I’m dead tired.
Posted by Sarcastica @
10:26 pm |
System Recovery
Our family does not have good luck with any kind of electronics. Our computer pretty much just crashed, it wouldn’t start unless we did this “system recovery” thing. Well, it never occured to me that “system recovery” would mean loosing all our files and pretty much starting over fresh. Some how, MSN and AOL survived, so we still have the internet but we lost all of our music and photo files, which really sucks. We lost photos from the past year that we hadn’t gotten around to saving onto disk. So my mom’s a little ticked off. I am too, but next time we won’t upload pictures and delete them - unless they’re unimportant.
School today was, well school. Anthropology was fun, but that’s a given seeing as our teacher is so hot. Lunch was boring, as usual - and a bug was chasing me until Jeremy broke all it’s legs. It was kind of funny, but scary. That bug was really weird looking, I had to hide in the lunchroom until it was really dead. Even still, it’s dead body creeped me out.
During my spare I went to Subway because I was hungry. When I came back, I went into the Resource Room so I could read. I didn’t want to read in the lunchroom because there were a bunch of people in there that I don’t talk too and I didn’t want to be a loner. I got in trouble by Mrs. K though, for “distracting Jolena” and “being snotty”. I wasn’t even talking to Jolena, I just waved to her when she came in. And I asked Mrs. K if I could have a few sheets of paper, but I did so with a tone that apparently was really snobby, like I expected to get paper. Um, what the hell? She kicked me out of Resource for being a “distraction”, and told me to go to the library. That’s what I did and then while I was talking to Reisha and Desiree she called me inside (I was outside in that little courtyard thing). Then she proceeded to tell me I was ungrateful, snobby and rude. I hate that woman. She never gives me a spare moment to thank her, and I don’t even want to anymore! I mean I’m thankful for the stuff she’s done regarding my medical problem, but she acts like shes so noble and that I should worship her for “all” she does, plus she puts things in my mouth and never gives me the chance to say thank you. So why should I thank someone who’s always putting words in my mouth, calling me snobby and saying I won’t pass certain classes without her assistance?
Now I’m really not looking forward to the after math of my surgery, because I will have to be in the Resource Room with Mrs. K. I will go crazy, she’s unbarable for 75 minutes! How am I supposed to endure her for the whole day? I am so not looking forward to this.
Posted by Sarcastica @
5:18 pm |
So What
Today I saw Andy walking with Meghan to Subway, I was a little mad about that even though I’m not so into him anymore. I mean, I wouldn’t mind if it was anyone else but why does it have to be Meghan? Oh well, sometimes life bites. Besides, he’s shown me he isn’t worth my time. And my eyes have already wandered 
I won’t say who I’m interested in now, because it seems to jinx whatever might happen. All I’ll say is that I’m interested in quite a few people, but I don’t want any serious relationships. I don’t want to hear those “I love you” words until I’m at least thirty something. Guys who tell girls that they love them now don’t know what they’re talking about, and it’s best not to get involved in serious relationships at this age anyway. I just want to casually date someone, like nothing etched in stone just someone to call when I’m bored and want to hang out.
However, most guys I know are either interested in just fooling around or they’re interested in serious relationships - luckily not with me lol. It’s pretty impossible to find someone who’s into the casual dating scene, which Jolena has nicknamed “friends with benefits” - and I’ll be sure to add on not too many benefits haha, I’m not that kind of person. It’s good to be attached to people, just not too attached and I’ll be sure not to let that happen again. At least if you have a friend that you’re casually dating you’d be attached to as a friend, right? Meh, I don’t really know what I’m talking about - I’m just trying to kill time.
Kyla wants to have a slumber party this weekend, which will be my last weekend in a while to hang out with my friends. She thought it would be cool to have it in Shannon’s basement, but I don’t know if Shannon’s down with that. Kyla’s allergic to animals, and she can deal with one cat better then she can three cats and a dog, so that’s our honest reasoning for that. I want all my friends to be there, and I do have a lot of guy friends - but don’t get that idea. We’re not that close of friends! The only people who would do anything naughty is Caitlin and Rob, but I’ll forbid them from doing anything inside Shannon’s house because that’s just nasty. At first, Kyla wanted it to be a drinking slumber party, but I can’t drink this weekend because it will mess up my system for Monday. It would be funny to watch them drink, but Kyla thinks it wouldn’t be fair.
So, less then a week to go. I’m a little nervous, more so about the after math. I’m going to try to get better quickly, but that might not be as easy as I want it to be. I’ll try to set goals, like be standing by Wednesday, which probably won’t happen - just two days after a surgery? I won’t hold my breath. But I don’t want to miss too much school, however I also don’t want to push myself to hard. Plus, I’m not looking forward to going back. I figured it would be easier to go back sooner then later because less questions will be asked, but there still will be questions asked because I’ll most likely need the aid of crutches, a wheelchair, or a walker - I’m trying to avoid the last two. At least I can skirt around the truth with the crutches, everyone has had them at some point. Besides, crutches are much less attention grabbing then a wheelchair or walker.
Posted by Sarcastica @
3:51 pm |
Top Eight Dilemma
I made a myspace a couple of months ago because Mandy told me too. Now I’m completely addicted to it. I check it everyday without fail, which is kind of funny and sad at the same time. My excuse is that I live in the country and theres nothing better for me to do. I would be outside reading, but it is cold today. In fact, it’s freezing! So I spend my time watching TV, reading, or checking my myspace. Recently, I’ve discovered that the Top 8 thing really isn’t going to do, I need a Top 40 or something to have everyone I want on there. There are several people that I can’t have on my Top 8 because they won’t fit, and I don’t want any of them to take it personally.
Yeah, the theme of my post today is myspace. Now lame is that. Anyway, outside of my little myspace dilemma, I’m doing pretty good. Bored out of my mind, but at least I’m not depressed or anything. I’m glad all that high school drama is over with - even if it’s just for the time being. I can actually breathe again, and not be focused on how to fix things. With less then six days left before I go into the hospital, my thoughts should be elsewhere - such as mentally preparing myself for this visit. I’m going to ask if I can take my laptop into the hospital, along with the internet cord the school gave me. It’ll probably be a no, but I figured I’d ask anyway. Kim brought her laptop to the hospital with her, but that was also in the States. What do I know? The States probably have different rules about electronics in the hospital. I just figured if I brought my own laptop and internet hook up, then I would leave the play room computer to the other patients. Plus I highly doubt I’ll be able to get up for a couple of days, and my addictions will be screaming for attention. What can I say, I love to blog and I’m a myspace addict.
The rest of my day is dedicated to finishing up my cult homework. We were supposed to write a personal ad from the view of someone most likely to join a cult looking to join a cult, I think mine is pretty good. I may have to rewrite it because it doesn’t really have ten of the needs from the handout…but it’s witty and funny, it made Mr. Hotty laugh!
Posted by Sarcastica @
1:35 pm |
Well…That’s Good
As many people foresaw, JD and I have worked things over…I think lol. I truly didn’t want to fight, I was sick of fighting so I decided to follow David’s advice and try to work things out, because I truly do value JD’s friendship. I know I said a lot of stupid things, but I was upset and angry. Mix that in with a few hours to think about things and time alone to take out frustrations by typing it all out on a blog and that spells disaster.
Anyway, so far my weekend has been eventless. I am trying to clean my room and what not so that chore is out of the way for next week. I’m not really looking forward to going into the hospital again, but when do I? Time off is always nice, but I think I’ve had enough time off from school. Besides, time off isn’t too fun when you’re stuck in one place for long periods of time. I hope by the time I come home the pool will be open though, or at least by the time I’m able to actually swim.
If I heal quickly, I hope to throw a huge pool party this summer. These past few years I’ve missed my birthday party, because I’ve wanted to have it sometime in August so it will be nice and hot out. Maybe this year, my dad will let me have tons of people over. I want to have a pool party/ camp out in my back yard. Of course, many people won’t want to go if there isn’t going to be alcohol included. My parent’s would never go for that, I can see where they’re coming from though. If I had a drinking party then all the people that drank on our property would be their responsiblity, and if anything happened to them then my parent’s could get into a lot of trouble. But I think a pool party/ camp out would be a lot of fun, even without alcohol. I don’t need alcohol to have fun, but a party isn’t cool without it. My other choice would be asking Shannon if I could have a party at her house, or possibly one at Kyla’s. Kyla has a pool and a backyard, we could sort of do the camp out pool party thing.
I’d want to invite everyone though, well everyone I liked that is haha. I like a lot of people, so I wouldn’t be lacking in that department. My mom still doesn’t like Jess L, although I’ve tried to redeem her in my mother’s eyes. It sort of worked, my mom smiled when she saw the comment Jess L made on my myspace after I went into the hospital. It’s kind of funny how family gets involved with petty fights between people, my family seems to be able to hold a grudge longer then I can. If I can put things behind me and let the past stay in the past, why can’t they? Even my granny does it, she’s always disliked one of Kathrynn’s friends because of the several fights they got in to - and still get in to. Luckily my granny doesn’t know about any fights of me and my friends, the wrath of granny isn’t a pretty thing to see.
Neither is the wrath of my mother, which is why I try to keep things to myself. However, some of my sisters let things slide if I confide in them. My sisters, especially Kathrynn, always find out if I’m in any disagreements with my friends. I guess it’s harder to keep things from her because we go to the same school, and some of my friends are friends with some of her friends. Plus, Kate can always tell if I’m upset or lying about something. It’s weird, sometimes I think that she has no idea what’s going on in my head, and other times I can’t get her out of it. We were so close when we were little, I guess she still knows how to read me, she probably just chooses not to for the most part.
Posted by Sarcastica @
1:32 pm |
A really bad episode of Laguna Beach
That’s what it feels like now, like I’m trapt in a really bad epsiode of Laguna Beach. If anyone hasn’t seen that show and doesn’t know what the hell I’m talking about, it’s basically about a group of “friends” that are really all back stabbing bitches. It’s pretty much just a high school reality TV show filmed in an eight month span with actual happenings.
Apparently it was “sinking low” to post about how mad I was, even though it’s completely ok if JD does it or if I do it regarding someone else, but if it’s about her then it’s low. Cry about it, like writing a note instead of talking to my face wasn’t low. The only reason why I didn’t talk to her in person about this is because she acts like she doesn’t want to solve anything. She works so hard on her other friendships because she “hates losing friends”, but when it comes to me it’s like she doesn’t even give two shits and that hurts.
Yes, maybe it was wrong of me of how I went about telling how I felt, but would she have listened anyway? No. What JD needs to understand (although she won’t cause she never does, she’ll just think I’m trying to butter people up or something) is that I’m under a hell of a lot of stress lately. I am scared shitless about going to the hospital on May 29th, only 9 days away. I’m not scared of being cut open again, I’m scared of the after math. Recoveries are frigging scary, that’s something she’ll never understand. She bitched and moaned about me missing a lot of school last time, granted, that was only for an arm surgery but I became addicted to the pain medication. That’s very scary, and I am not looking forward to having the dosage upped again because I grew used to it. Not to mentioned I’m worried about my grades. Yes, they are okay right now but when I miss more school they are bound to go down and I’m pretty sure I’ll do horribly on the exam. Not to mention, both my knees are being done, which means I’ll more and likely be in a wheelchair, but I’ll stop at nothing to make sure it doesn’t come to that. Being in a wheelchair makes me feel dependant on everyone else who probably doesn’t want the responsiblity of helping me, which is completely understandable.
I am scared, and when I get scared I get angry because I should be used to it all by now, people expect me to be the brave one and take it all in stride. JD has been my friend since grade 8, and we used to be best friends. I know people grow apart in high school, but she’s close with everyone else, just not me. And it hurt to see me slowly go from number one top eight on her myspace to not even there at all. It’s kind of funny, I wonder if she’ll show Chelsee and them my blog now. I think she just likes everyone to believe I’m the evil bitch that’s wrong.
Well I’m not wrong, I’m hurting. And she doesn’t care, so I don’t see why I have to apologize for her not being there for me when I needed her. I thought she was my best friend, but she couldn’t make time for me. I thought she cared when I was upset or lonely, but it was all an annoyance if I talked to her about it. I feel like I need or want a boyfriend because not only do all my friends have someone, but he could possibly understand more then they could. They all have a shoulder to cry on, and I have no one. My friends get annoyed if I talk about anything that is upsetting me, so it still upsets me because it hasn’t been resolved. Even then, they couldn’t truly understand unless they walked one mile in these shoes.
JD was not there for me this past like two months, so why did I always try so hard to be there for her? Except one night when my exhaustion got the better of me and I didn’t want to talk about Cody. I wanted to find out what was changing, why I wasn’t good enough anymore. My mom always says you shouldn’t have to try so hard to be someones friend, and since day one I’ve tried to be JD’s friend. Even when she made fun of me with Amanda, I wanted to be her friend. JD’s loyal, but I guess I’m no longer worthy of that loyality. She’d much rather hang out with people who hate me and talk about what an evil bitch I am.
I hate that I hurt all the time. I hate that I’m losing a friendship I don’t want to lose because she no longer cares enough to work things out. I’m insecure and stressed out, so she walks away. I guess that just goes to show who your real friends are.
It hurts losing friends, it really does. Like I mentioned before, I’m a guilty person and I always blame myself. But why should I blame myself for her not understanding what I’m going through? She’s already let go of our friendship, she doesn’t give to shits about it. If she did, she’d show that she cared. She hasn’t.
Posted by Sarcastica @
11:08 am |
That’s Right, It’s All About Me
I’m glad we’ve reached that understanding, because now you know that I’m ever so selfish and “wrong”. Apparently, how I feel is wrong. It’s alright for JD to be upset and selfish, but I can’t because it’s wrong. But we already knew that “all I care about is getting my own way”. After all, I’m that kind of person.
I’m pissed right now, and this is my blog and I’ll write whatever the hell I want to in it. I don’t care if it upsets anyone at the moment, because this is how I let off steam.
Last night, I got into an arguement with JD online. I had just found out that one of my other friends was talking about stuff she knew nothing of. She said that when I was in that relationship with Lewbag, I was “controlling and bossy”. WHATEVER. I hardly ever asked him anything! Yes, I did try to get him to come over to my house because my dad wanted to meet him. It doesn’t matter who I see or for how long I see them, my parents - my father especially - wants to meet them so they know what kind of person I hang out with. Everytime Lewbag said he would come over for dinner, he chickened out. It was probably because he had this image of my dad in his head, the big biker guy with tattoos and a loaded gun. So what if my dad drives a Harley, he’s the gentlest guy in the world - except for when you mess with one of his girls. My daddy can spot the shitters right away, and maybe Lewbag knew this fact. Lewbag was my first actual relationship, so I had no idea how to act, and I think I did a pretty good job of being me. Yes, some nights I’d ask him to stay in - but that was only if my legs were sore. I thought it didn’t matter where we were if we were together. Lewbag seemed to understand, but obviously he didn’t. The point is, I asked little of him. If he thought I was bossy, then he’s retarded. I did whatever he wanted 99% of the fucking time, there were things I would have liked to do (such as go on actual dates) that I never brought up because he didn’t have a job and that means no money for such things.
I don’t even know why I was bothering to explain myself there, fact is that person did not know the whole story. That person wasn’t a part of that relationship, and they had no right saying such things. That person really upset me by saying the reason things ended up the way they did was because I was bossy. If asking for the occasional thing is being bossy, then I’m bossy.
So anyway, back to the arguement last night with JD; it basically started with me telling her my post last night (which I deleted because it didn’t make any sense - when I write stuff extremely pissed off it tends to be, well crap) wasn’t about her. I was - am - really pissed off because lately, JD seems so wrapped up in her own life and it’s going ons to even notice other people that aren’t in her immediate line of vision. I’m not in that immediate line of vision because I am not Cody or Jess L. I have still been feeling “pushed aside” lately by her, and she doesn’t go out of her way to prove that point so whatever. Last night was like a breaking point, and I was really upset because JD always has “other plans”. Last night was Kyla’s birthday, and we invited JD to come over, but she had other plans. Ok, that’s fine, but I asked her what she was doing this weekend because we might have thrown a party for Kyla. What was her answer? She had other plans. Plans with the same people she hung out with last weekend.
I have a wide variety of friends, and not all of them get along. I try to make sure that each one of my friends gets time and attention with me, because that’s how I am. For instance, I hung out with Robyn, Lisa and Jeremy Monday, and we made plans to hang out yesterday but Kyla was having a birthday party so I talked to Robyn, Lisa and Jeremy about it and they were completely cool with me backing out.
So JD wrote me a note today, and made Chelsee give it to me. That makes it not merit an actual repsonse - yeah, I’m sort of responding to it by blogging but I didn’t see the point in writing another letter. I’d rather say it to her face, but frankly I’m too mad right now. I’d end up saying something I’d regret. Where does she get off saying that I was wrong for telling her how I felt? Yeah, maybe I could have been a little nicer about it, but I have been keeping it inside for quite some time and when I blow, I blow. All pent up feelings of hurt, neglect and frustration explode out, and I can’t control how I act. JD didn’t want to hear it though because she was upset that Cody didn’t show up at her house last night. Selfish much?
JD may “be there” while I’m recovering from surgeries, but where the hell is she in between? She complains that I invite her last minute and “last” to parties and gatherings. In response to that, mostly every single plan we make has been last minute, and how the fuck can I invite you first if I never see you??? People love to think they are the only one that’s right. I’m not saying I’m completely right, but I’m definetly not wrong. My “friends” don’t label my feelings as wrong. My “friends” make time for me, and I make time for them.
Right now I am so very pissed off at JD. Her MSN name is something like “this time I’m not backing down, you did something wrong not me.” It pisses me off how close minded she is. She expects the world to bend to her every fucking need. She’s aloud to talk nonstop about all the fucking guys she likes, but I can’t. She apparently doesn’t like hanging out with me because “all I talk about is Andy or whoever”. Sorry for thinking my best friend wanted to hear the going ons in my head. Kyla doesn’t have a problem with being there, so why the fuck does JD? JD really needs to open her pretty blue eyes and take a good look around. I don’t care if this upsets her, she needs to learn how to listen. I was always here for her to lean on, but it isn’t my problem that she never chose to come to me with her issues. It pisses me off when she says that “I never listen”, in order to listen, you need to be told stuff.
At the end of the note, JD signed off with “I am very selfish because what you did was wrong”, newsflash: you’ve been selfish for quite some time now. I never tell people how they feel is wrong, so don’t tell me my feelings are wrong. That’s just telling me you don’t care, and that my feelings don’t matter.
Oh, and JD: if you look unapporachable at school, then don’t expect people to flock towards you. Sometimes, you have to do the talking.
I probably will delete this sometime down the road, most of the stuff I wrote was in anger, and I always feel guilty afterwards. But right now, she stays.
Posted by Sarcastica @
3:51 pm |
