The Green Eyed Monster
March 22, 2006
I hate being jealous, I really do. Jealousy eats away at the mind, like it’s doing to me now. I am way out of the loop because I haven’t been to school in a few weeks, so I still have no idea if Monique really is dating D. If she is, I can’t be mad at her, she’s a really sweet girl who’s been burnt a lot in the past (like me). But I can be mad at D for lying to me, right? And for making it seem like we had something? Don’t answer that, in my head it’s fair to be mad at him. I’ve liked him forever, and not in that creepy stalker, hide-outside-your-window-and-bake-you-cookies way either. (And JD, I know what your thinking. Perhaps I did call him a lot in grade nine but it was him after every conversation saying “Call me tomorrow!”, and he always sounded ecstatic to hear from me). He told me at semi that it wasn’t that he found me unattractive, he said he found me very attractive, but he said he couldn’t be in a relationship because he couldn’t open himself up that way to someone. But he has opened up to me and let me in his head! So now I have this “jealousy worm” eating away at my brain. Fucking jealousy worm. I just want to know why I’m not good enough, I mean if I’m pretty and smart and fun, then how come it’s not enough? Shall I wear slutty clothes and degrade myself just to get the attention of someone who’s standing right in front of me, unable to see me?
I also hate it when people tell me to “just forget about it”, or “leave the subject alone, block it out of your head”. If I were able to block this all out of my head, I would, trust me. What makes it even more difficult is that I have to spend every day at home, with nothing to do but think. At least when I’m not recovering from surgery, I’m able to throw myself and my thoughts into school work, friends, and volunteering. What am I supposed to do here to take my mind away from the jealousy worm? Again, there is nothing on daytime TV; the computer bores me after a while; it’s difficult to understand what your reading a lot of the time, so books are out; I can’t call my friends because they aren’t home; and I’ve seen all the movies we have a thousand times before. So jealousy worm always wins and I start to think about things. Then when I try to confine in a friend, they get annoyed (or tried of hearing it) and tell me to drop it.
Perhaps I’m “obsessing” with D not liking me and possibly dating someone else because something else is bugging me, something deeper. I know that I’m really sick of being restricted by my MHE, and dealing with being dumped because of it or not being like because of it; or watching my friends go snowboarding and wondering what it’s like; you know, watching them experience all those things that I can’t. I miss being at school and seeing everyone, and truthfully, I’m worried about whats going to happen when I go back. I’ll need to use a fricking laptop! Kathrynn said that people make fun of the people who use laptops! I hate standing out in this bad way. Plus, everyone who doesn’t already know is going to ask me what happened and I’ll have to explain it to them, over and over again. It’s such a long story too! They’ll ask what happened, I’ll tell them I had a surgery, they’ll ask me why, and I’ll have to explain my MHE to them.
I feel so fake, I’m supposed to help other teens deal with their MHE and I can barely deal with it myself. I suppose my experiences and advice could help a few people… but I don’t know. The “Teen Scene” is now in motion, three other girls are a part of it too. We’re now tossing ideas around for the newsletter. Mandy and I were thinking about being the “Dear Abby’s” of the newsletter, except we’ll use our real names. If you didn’t know, a “Dear Abby” column is where people send you questions and you answer them, it’s an advice column. Nicole, one of the other girls, is going to do a regular comic strip. Jodie, the youngest volunteer (who happens to have just started a blog), is writing an article on surgery, and I am working on one about bullying. I’m really nervous, what if I fail? I want to help people, but I don’t know if I can handle doing all that on top of trying to pull up my grades. I don’t want to let everyone down by pulling out of the Teen Scene, but I also don’t want to fail Math. We’ll see how everything goes though.
March 22nd, 2006 at 10:45 pm
Hmm well don’t worry hun i no what your feeling lol it gets to all of us just don’t let it get to you to the point where your crazy lol LUV YA XOX ! ! !
March 22nd, 2006 at 11:15 pm
Feel better now?
When people behave like what-his-name did, it’s because there’s something wrong with them, not with you.
Remember, it’s not that you’re not good enough; this kind of behavior means THEY’RE not good enough.
You’re also not the only one who’s restricted by a disability, at least you have full command of your body; my biggest fear is ending up like Stephen Hawking: trapped inside my own body.
Heck, I’ll be glad if 15 years from now I can still hear.
Tell people who don’t know the whole story that you just had to have a bone spur removed and that it was no big deal. If you downplay the surgery, the inqusitive will soon lose interest.
RE the advice column: NEVER put your real name in the public eye. Even the news reporters you see on TV do not use their real names. It helps preserve a measure of privacy.
March 23rd, 2006 at 12:18 am
Just because you are helping others with MHE does not me that you can’t have feelings too. You are human. You are allowed to feel hurt, pain, happiness, etc just like everyone else. As for “D”, I’m sorry to say that this stuff doesn’t change when you get older.
March 24th, 2006 at 11:19 pm
Type up your long story on your new laptop, and when someone asks you where you’ve been, you can open the document and say “read this” . . . or print out a few copies and pass them around. ???