Ok Then?
I was trying to help my thirteen year old sister, Jo, with some problems that she’s having with her best friend, Kendra. Apparently, Kendra is mad at her because Jo is talking to her boyfriend, who Jo went out with and is close friends with now. Kendra is also mad because Jo likes one of her ex-boyfriends. Jo says she hates her and will no longer talk to her because she is being a slut (very confusing, and hard to follow, I know). Personally, I think those are very harsh words to use on your best friend. I tried to tell Jo that all best friends fight, JD and I fought constantly when we were in grade eight, especially over boys and friends. Best friends at that age get jealous really easily.
Hormones don’t help either, they are so out of wack and the mood swings are crazy. I remember being the best of friends with JD one moment, then fighting over who got to sit beside Amanda W or a guy we liked (I’m sure JD remembers when we both liked a guy named Brandon R and she wrote me a note that said she who kisses him, gets him which the teacher read after taking it away from me…). That’s just how girls are, and JD and I made it through those rough times. We hardly ever fight now, sure we argue but we both understand that we have seperate opinions that sometimes clash when we think we are right and the other person is wrong.
I don’t want Jo to be the type of girl who switches best friends as much as a person changes their socks, so I tried to make her understand. I told Jo to explain to Kendra that she was being unfair and hypocritical, and to sort it out. Jo was being really stubborn and she just wouldn’t listen, she kept saying that Kendra was now her “ex” best friend and that she was being a slut, then she stormed out of the room and gave me the finger! I don’t know why Jo never fights for her friendships, sure Kendra’s being immature but so is Jo.
She wouldn’t listen to me at all, it was like my advice was worthless to her! I think I know a little more then she does. I think dumping your best friend over a misunderstanding that could be worked out is stupid, it’s just showing your maturity level is way low and that you didn’t value the friendship in the first place. In a way, I’m kind of upset because if it had been Shannon, Kate or Karen giving her advice, she would listen, but it was me. I could tell her something and she would tell me it’s stupid or wrong, then she would go talk to Kate and Kate would tell her the same thing and she would listen. I don’t know why this is so, but that’s what happens.
Anyway, I’ve been working hard on my website, if you have time please stop in and let me know what you think by signing the guestbook.
Posted by Sarcastica @
9:55 pm |
100 Things
1. Right now I feel like crying…
2. I was done this list all the way down to 94 when AOL restarted…
3. and I lost EVERYTHING!
4. So now I have to start over!
5. I hate AOL.
6. I’m sixteen years old; I’ll be 17 in June.
7. At eighteen months, I was diagnosed with MHE.
8. I had my first surgery when I was in grade two.
9. I wasn’t scared at all, until I got into the operating room and saw all the tools and worst of all, smelt the “knock out gas”.
10. I turned the little bike I was riding right around and tried to escape.
11. It didn’t work.
12. During that surgery, they discovered I had a bleeding problem that interfered with the surgery, I was bleeding from my bone.
13. That night after coming out of the operating room, I went back in to have another operation to drain the blood.
14. When it was time to go home, I had another operation to stitch my leg back up.
15. I’m not sure if they are included in 9 surgeries I said I had.
16. In fact, I’m not sure how many surgeries I’ve actually had,
17. They are all a blur, but my parents said it was nine, so it must be nine.
18. I have 17 scars; 7 are on my left leg alone.
19. Because of my scars and bumps, I’ve never worn skirts or shorts to school.
20. I’ve never owned a skirt.
21. I have low self esteem and no confidence.
22. But I’m slowly getting better - back in grades seven and eight, I wouldn’t wear t-shirts at all.
23. Now I do, and I wear tighter pants too.
24. I think that’s improvement.
25. I know that I don’t have it that bad,
26. I live by the motto that someone always has it worse then I do,
27. it helps when I can’t deal with everything, I say that and suddenly everything feels so trivial.
28. But sometimes, I’ll admit it isn’t that easy, and I’ll have a good cry or talk to someone or blog,
29. but I know only I can fix things that hurt and take steps to improve my life,
30. so I’m trying.
31. I think the worst part about surgery is the taste and smell of the “knock out gas”,
32. and blood work.
34. People who complain all the time when they don’t have it all that bad really bug me,
35. and people who don’t accept other lifestyles and religions also really bug me,
36. as well as people who bully others,
37. and people who use other people and then discard them.
38. Its happened to me, and I know how it feels.
39. I love to help people, it’s impossible for me to turn away from someone who is hurting.
40. I like to think of myself as someone my friends can talk to and confine in,
41. so it would really hurt me if they were to say they couldn’t trust me.
42. I’m of no religion,
43. but I’d like to believe in a higher power,
44. although I often ask myself why that higher power would allow so much suffering and pain amongst His people.
45. Sometimes I knowingly contradict myself, like I’m about to when I say
46. that without suffering there would be no compassion.
47. But I also think there is too much suffering and not enough compassion.
48. I’m a fan of Opera and her work,
49. even more so after watch what she did to help all those Katrina victims.
50. I don’t think Bush did enough for the Katrina victims.
51. I’m glad Opera did something, and I’d like to be just like her one day.
52. People think I’m brave and courageous,
53. but the only brave and courageous people I know are anyone who has been touched by cancer,
54. and my Granny,
55. my cousin Karen,
56. and my mother,
57. for all growing up to be the women they are today, despite the childhood’s they all had.
58. I also really admire my father; he is self employeed with his own buisness and works really hard to give us all the things we want, this beauitful house he built that we live in, and in making sure that all the bills are paid so we can continue to live in it.
59. I love and respect every single member of my family.
60. I know that I am lucky and I appreciate all that I have,
61. even if I sometimes don’t show it.
62. I also appreciate what amazing people my family members are,
63. even my sisters.
64. I love all of my sisters, even if I don’t show it,
65. even when they make me sad.
66. I don’t mind country, in fact I like it.
67. I don’t like almonds, especially in my salads,
68. which I love to drown in dressing.
69. I believe in true love, the kind that lasts forever,
70. but I’m afraid it’s just a fairy tale, so I’m afraid to get married.
71. I’ve always wanted children, but MHE is genetic and I don’t want to watch my children suffering with the physical and emotional pain,
72. so my other option is to adopt.
73. I’m afraid I’ll be too poor to adopt, as it’s very expensive now.
74. I’ve always wanted to be a famous actress,
75. but I know that won’t happen.
76. I’ve also always wanted to be a famous author.
77. This is a more achievable dream, as I already write and people say I’m talented,
78. I hope they aren’t lying.
79. I couldn’t live without the internet, or a computer.
80. Blogging literally keeps me sane.
81. I wish someone loved me enough to write a poem or song about me.
82. Sometimes I’m random.
83. My mom says I’m too animated and it sometimes scares people,
84. I didn’t know being animated was a bad thing until she told me that.
85. But she also gets upset when I’m sad, I can’t win.
86. Sometimes I get very sad and don’t know why.
87. There are only a few people who can really make me smile.
88. I think my eyes are my best feature,
89. then my “complexion”,
90. then my hair,
91. but I don’t really like the rest of me.
92. I’m trying to love all of me.
93. I’m terrible at math, but I’m trying.
94. I love reading.
95. I didn’t think I would make it this far.
96. I like taking pictures,
97. and painting.
98. I wish I was good at painting.
99. I have many dreams and wishes.
100. One is to be really, honestly happy.
Posted by Sarcastica @
2:38 pm |
What A Day
It has been a busy morning! I got into a fight online with that guy Matt, then he confessed to some heavy duty stuff but I couldn’t prove that it was actually them if the matter were to go to court because he could deny that it was him talking, so was it a waste or did J.a.g and I scare him away from Dave? I hope we did, if thats the most justice we are going to get then we might as well take it, at least Dave won’t have to be worried about it if he isn’t going to be bothered anymore - he’ll be able to try and forget about it, or at least get over it and heal. Personally, I do think that Dave should have gone to the police… hopefully the stuff Adam and I have are enough of a confession, but I don’t think so. I cannot even begin to describe how it infuriated me when Matt said that “it felt great” and “he would do it again”. He told me that at every party Dave went to, he would be there. Of course Adam and I managed to scare him away from Dave - hopefully forever. If not, several people are in line to rearrange Matt’s face. If only we had concrete evidence, I’m sorry Dave, it feels like I’ve let you down.
It really bugs me that people are literally getting away with murder, and a lot more if they have the right lawyer. I mean, whatever happened to justice? When someone does something wrong, why can’t they be charged? I mean take that bitch Karla Holmolka*, she killed and raped her own sister as well as two other girls and she’s out of jail walking free, not to mention she got a better education in there then most average people do. And she can work with young girls again, like what the hell is that??? Where’s the justice in that? I think they should have added more years onto her time when the video’s were discovered, better yet Canada should have brought back the death penalty years ago and put both Karla Holmolka and Paul Benardo to it. I may not be an expert on their case (so don’t send me a bunch of emails with the corrections) but I know enough to be pissed off that she’s walking free. Anyway, it just really pisses me off that people are doing things that they know are wrong and are getting away scott free, not to mention they show no remorse. Like what Matt did, I just wish we had enough to go to the police but when it comes down to it we have nothing, so my only hope is that we scared him away. Again Dave, I’m sorry we couldn’t do more… you don’t deserve this.
In other news, JD went home. Stupid me forgot there was school tomorrow, so she couldn’t sleep over again. I’m not going back until after I have my checkup. My mom says it will give me time to finish my math homework but, as much as I want to, I know I won’t understand it and I won’t be getting any help from my parents. I’m kind of sad that I don’t get to go tomorrow, I guess I won’t get to see the gang for another week. And my dad is going to take the laptop back, so I have to part with that.
Well, I’m off to have a little nap before dinner.
*I think Karla did have just as much, if not more, to do with the killings. It was probably her idea. That’s my opinion.
Posted by Sarcastica @
4:14 pm |
Yet Another One
I’m posting again because I kinda feel sad. I guess I should have listened to my mom when she told me not to take my meds with pop and icecream (it has a weird affect on me) but it’s too late now. I can hear people growing annoyed with me - my parents, my sister, even JD - I can hear it in their voices. Maybe I’m just imagining it, maybe it’s all in my head but I don’t know.
Tonight JD and I played Scrabble with my dad. It was kind of fun, but because I was feeling very weird off my meds an couldn’t spell very well as I couldn’t think properly, I lost. After beating my dad two nights in a row at this game, I felt really stupid and embarassed. Yeah, I know, trival thing to feel stupid just because I lost Scrabble but I don’t know. We had to take a break during the game because Kate’s car wouldn’t start and my dad had to go pick her up, so we waited for him and watched T.V. I was talking about D and felt really depressed for some reason, I mean I know that I said I was going to get over him but I didn’t know it would be so hard. I think I read somewhere that having some kind of hobbie or way to take your mind off things helps when getting over someone, like sports. But I can’t play sports and my only hobbies are reading (which mostly includes fairy tale type romance novels) and writing - which usually my characters always find someone, so that doesn’t help.
I don’t know why I post so much, it’s kinda like smoking - maybe I should cut down to one a day haha. Or perhaps when I get my life back I’ll post just once of day, but it doesn’t look like I’ll get my life back any time soon as I’m not allowed to go back to school yet, so next week will be spent glued to the computer.
Anyway, I’ll let JD on before she shots me.
Posted by Sarcastica @
12:24 am |
More Presents and Unrelated Thoughts
I got another gift today - this time from my grandma’s neighbor, Mary-Lou. It seems like everyones concerned about me, which is nice I guess, but I still think it’s unnessasary… but I did get a chocolate bar in that gift so I’m not complaining!
We have to space my medication farther apart because I have been having really painful chest pains. I hate to complain about pain but it feels like theres a ton of pressure on my heart sometimes. It’s rather difficult to explain, but my Papa told me it’s just chest pains, and that I would know if it was a heart attack - he would know, he had one a few years ago. I remember that day, it’s clearly etched in my mind - probably forever. My Uncle Timmy was at their house at the time because he broke his leg in like three places, and he lives alone normally so he went to live there for a while so my Granny could take care of him. Anyway, Uncle Timmy called asking for Daddy’s cell phone number, of course I could sense something was wrong by the sound of urgency and fear in his voice. Naturally, I asked him what was wrong after giving him the number he requested. He wouldn’t tell me at first, but after I begged him some more, he told me Papa had had a heart attack while shovelling snow in the driveway, but he told me not to worry and that Papa would be fine. That was one of the worst evenings of my life, I was so worried for my Papa and scared to tears. Of course, everything turned out fine and my Papa was ok - a little angry that they had shaved his chest hair in order to do whatever it is that they do when someone has a heart attack, because it took him many years to grow - but other wise fine.
I don’t know why I got into that story, but while I’m at it I’ll add that just before Christmas there was another scare, one that made me realise that my grandparents are getting old. Granny had a stroke of some kind, related to her jumping level of blood sugar (she has diabetes). My parent’s told me when they picked me up after work, I was able to shed a few unnoticed tears as I thought about how Christmas wouldn’t be the same without Granny and Papa, they make Christmas. Granny was in the hospital for a while, and we all went to visit her. She was ok and now watches her blood level more carefully, but still it’s scary thinking about it. My Grandparent’s have always been a part of my life, and I can’t imagine life without them.
Right now they are going on a two week cruise, I hope they have fun.
Anyway, JD is over. I don’t know why she actually enjoys it over here, I think it’s boring. But it is so nice to talk to and hang out with someone outside the immediate family.
Posted by Sarcastica @
6:29 pm |
WTF?!?
This is a question for those of you who know me and see me on a regular basis… do I have “I heart D” tattooed on my face or something? Ryan A, a guy I’ve known since we were in diapers, inquired as to who the quote in my MSN was for. (The quote is a lyric from a Rascal Flatts song, it says “What hurts the most, is being so close, and having so much to say, then watching you walk away”). I wouldn’t tell him so he said he would guess, and guess what his first guess was? That’s right, D.
So answer me this, is there a fucking piece of paper posted on my ass? If so, get it off.
Posted by Sarcastica @
10:20 pm |
For Saint Patrick’s Day…
… I took this little quiz.
| You Are Apple Green |
 You are almost super-humanly upbeat. You have a very positive energy that surrounds you.And while you are happy go lucky, you’re also charmingly assertive.You get what you want, even if you have to persuade those against you to see things your way.Reflective and thoughtful, you know yourself well - and you know that you want out of life. |
Posted by Sarcastica @
9:34 pm |
Packages In The Mail
Today I got a package from my Aunts Shirley, Mary and Rene. I’m ashamed to admit that both Aunt Mary and Aunt Rene don’t ring a bell, and I can’t place a face on any of them but it was very thoughtful of them. The package including a Get Well Soon card, two books from the Mini-Book Series, an Angel of Healing pin and a craft one of them must have made. It was very sweet, and I shall have to write a thank you note to them (even though I don’t know who they are).
The two mini-books I got are about positive thinking. The first quote that reached out to me was “You have abilities and talents and attributes that belong to you and you alone, and you have what it takes to make your path of sucess… lead to happiness. You have qualities that get better everyday! You have the courage and strength to see things through. You have smiles that will serve as your guides. You have a light that will shine in you’til the end of time.” That probably has deeper meaning, but I think I understand what it means. I always try to look see through things, to get the truth from every situation. That’s why I always hoped that D liked me… there were signs, but I guess I should have looked harder and realised he cared about me only as a friend.
Despite all those positive quotes and what not, I’m still feeling bland. Like a piece of gum that has been chewed until it has no flavour - a weird description but it suits my mood. I feel chewed up and casted away because I’m no longer flavourable. It’s also how I feel about my life - it has completely lost it’s flavour. This routine for March Break is worse then my regular routine; I wake up, go online, eat breakfast, go back online, get kicked off, take a nap, have lunch, take another nap, have dinner, watch TV, go to sleep. Then the same thing happens all over again tomorrow. That has been my March Break. At least I’ve gotten to work on my novel that I’m writing, it’s about a girl who has MHE - I’m putting a lot of my feelings and emotions in it so it should be good, I hope.
It’s also Saint Patrick’s Day, and I can’t celebrate with Kyla like I was invited because of the meds I am on. So it’s going to be boring. Well, happy Saint Patty’s Day to everyone, I hope you all have a good one!
I’m off to eat lunch (hot dogs, gross) and then take a nap. It’s oh so exciting. I keep thinking about when Kathrynn got whiplash and her boyfriend at the time came down to see her everyday, I am constantly in the hospital and it gets really lonely recovering without someone to lean on. I was jealous because no guy has ever cared about me enough to visit me everyday of my recovery. Oh well, as David said the Ugly Duckling does grow up to be beautiful, but she is sad and lonely while waiting for that day to come, when she wakes up beautiful, at least in the eyes of the her peers.
Posted by Sarcastica @
1:57 pm |
This Dead End Road
Have you ever feel like your doing so much, yet it isn’t making an impact on anything? Sometimes I just want to hide under the covers and say screw everything. Sometimes I just want to give up. I feel ashamed because I know that I don’t have it all that bad, I’ve got a loving family and friends who care about me, and I am not dying. Sometimes though, I find it difficult to get up in the morning. There are a few people who can relate to what I mean, one of them is my friend Mandy, but she lives far away from me and sometimes I feel so apart from everyone else. I’m afraid that I’m going to be that sister that no one talks to when we all grow up, my sisters all have so much in common and I feel like an outsider.
There are times when I feel like I’m not even in my body, like I’m numb and just walking through daily routines. I really need something in my life to make it feel as if I have a purpose. I love taking care of something, I love loving something. I really miss my cat Simon because I took care of him since he was a kitten, I footed all his Vet bills and I actually felt needed. I love to feel needed and wanted, and right now I don’t.
And I’m really beyond pissed off. I just found out that Devon is dating this girl named Monique, and upon hearing this news it felt as if “my stomach was going to fall out of my ass” (courtesy of Mean Girls. The description fits). What about that conversation we had a while ago? He said he didn’t want to be in a relationship because he couldn’t “feel”. It really pisses me off, I mean why couldn’t he just have found a gentle way of telling me that he didn’t want to be with me specifically? Instead of telling me he didn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone, then turning around and getting in one?
I have liked him forever, I know all about who he really is and I still like him! Once those other girls find out who he really is, they won’t be interested. Devon has a lot of bagage, and I always listen to him when he needs someone to talk to. They won’t be there for him. I’ve waisted several months liking him, and he lead me on to believe he liked me but was afraid of relationships.
Fuck you then Devon, get your heart broken but don’t come crawling to me for someone to talk to. It’s kinda funny in a way, because he’d always get mad if I was seeing someone else. Like when he found out about me going on a date with that David guy, he got all pissy and moody. He asked why I was going and I said because David had a cool car, Devon said he had three cool cars. Stuff like that made me think there was something there, obviously I was wrong.
Once online, I told him that I was never good enough. What I do is never enough; I’m never pretty enough, or smart enough, or fun enough. He said that I was pretty and smart and fun. A question then, if I’m so pretty and smart, then how come it wasn’t enough for him (or any of the other guys I’ve liked).
This is why, from now on, I’m only going to crush on older, more mature guys. Although they probably won’t think I’m good enough either.
Posted by Sarcastica @
11:22 am |
So Sleepy
My younger sister is now blogging, so that should be interesting. Now I’m going to have to be careful about what I say about her, haha just jokes.
Today, Kyla came over for few hours, we watched a couple movies, then I went to sleep after she left. I haven’t been sleeping very well lately, added to my list of “ouchies”, my ribcage now gives me a very sharp pain if I take a deep breath or lay on that side, and it’s the only side I can lie on too so I’m pretty screwed there, and I have always had trouble lying on my back. I barely slept at all last night, and I’m hoping tomorrow will be a better day.
Both my friends Daivd and JD have gotten blog makeovers, JD changed her entire title and name. So go take a look.
Anyway, just wanted to update before I went to bed. Dad’s pushing for me too hurry, we rented a movie.
Posted by Sarcastica @
9:47 pm |
