Ashamed
March 30, 2006
A while ago, probably last year sometime, my mother found out she had head lice. I know that if she ever read this, she would probably kill me for mentioning such an embarrassing thing, but I swear theres a point, and Mom, if you do end up reading this (I know you sometimes stumble accross my blog from Karen’s) then please read the rest of this post before getting upset. Well, back to my story (and hopefully my point). The look on her face was total devastation when our hairdresser announced it to her, she had thought it was just the new shampoo she had started using.
Why am I ashamed because my mother had head lice? Such a common and unimportant thing? Well, my mom had to call her friend Donna to come over and help her with the treatment, because my sisters and I wouldn’t help her. I am so ashamed of it, and I really did want to help her. But I am very afraid of spiders and bugs, especially bugs in your hair, and getting head lice had always been a fear of mine. That’s no excuse however, no excuse at all to neglect my mother at her time of need.
After all those times she’s stood by me, through hospital appointments and surgeries, sleeping on that very uncomfortable mateiral that the small sofa in the hospital bed is made of, and that was how I repaid her? After all those times she made sure I got the proper dosage, helped me wash my hair and even bath after surgeries, and I couldn’t help her with this one small thing? Now I know that I should have cast my stupid fears aside and helped the women who gave birth to me. So why didn’t I? If I could go back in time, I would. But I can’t. And I know that one small thing probably scared her for life, four daughters and not one would help. What kind of people are we? This woman has taken care of us since the day we were born, and all we do in return is hurt her. She cooks, cleans and hardly ever gets any help. None of us have ever offered to cook dinner for her, or to clean the entire house while she sits back with a book and relaxes.
Words can’t express how sorry and ashamed I am for all that. Even though I never help out aound the house, she still is there for me. Loving me and all my thousands of imperfections. She’s wiped tears from my eyes, as well as my sisters. She’s been there, steady and strong for my entire life and all I have done is taken advantage of her.
I can’t sleep right now, because I am so overwhelmed with shame and guilt. All this was brought on by a fight my mother and sister were having, this is completely not their fault. It was something Kathrynn said that got me thinking this way. “Do you think Jessica is going to take care of you when you need it?” She said that because she thought Mom was playing favourites, even though she loves ALL of us with the same amount of love. Hearing that made me think about the time my mom got head lice. I decided to make A LOT of changes just now, about who I am and what I’ve done.
I’m going to help out around the house a HELL of a lot more, I will do every chore I’m capable of doing. I’m going to ask my mom if she would teach me how to cook, so when she gets a part time job or even on a regular day I can cook dinner for everyone, so she doesn’t have too. I’m going to be more respectful to my parents, even my sisters. I know I make plans like this all the time, but this time I mean it.
My beautiful, amazing, wonderful mother is starting to show strain of it all. There have been a few times now where she has broken down in tears and confided in me. I don’t want her to get up and leave one day, having finally had enough of us. I don’t want her to have a heart attack from how much stress she has, or for her to have a broken heart because she gets the impression that her daughters don’t care (even though we do).
I have a wonderful role model for a mother, she is truly an amazing mother. There are people in this world who are not as fortunate as I am, or were not, and had complete twats who didn’t know what they were doing. Yet I have a spectacular woman standing in front of me, asking to be heard. It shames me so much that my mom’s mother, my Nana, was very cold towards her. All Mom wanted to do was to raise her kids to know love and have a mother who was there for them, and we have become lazy and selfish because we have always gotten it easy. I can’t even believe myself, or my sisters for that matter. We are so lucky, we have great parents who love us to death and a secure home, untouched by divorce or violence, and this is how we repay them? Such amazing people who only wanted their children to grow up happy, loved and with things that they never had while growing up themselves?
If I were you, I’d spit in my face.
March 30th, 2006 at 8:25 am
Sorry :<
March 30th, 2006 at 10:40 am
ok, I can relate. When I was 14 my mom got into a horrific wreck on my 3 wheeler. So bad that she couldn’t walk for almost a month. we were so selfish that she actually had to stay at my grams to get good care. i am still mortified to this day. now, when she needs help, I help her. I think this will be a turning point for you.
mom’s forgive and forget. don’t beat yourself up about it. we expect selfish behavior. however, don’t let it happen again. one time is ok but if you do it again, it is selfishness…
now, as far as lice goes, my kids have had it a few times. some facts on lice: they like clean heads. dirty heads don’t give them the clean hair shaft they need to grip on to. they are gross and I immediately started itching my head when I read the word “lice” in your post. thanks for that. LOL
it sounds to me that you really appreciate your mom…do something nice to prove it. clean the house or get her a gift certificate for a massage or something. oh and I hope she used Nix or Rid because the old wives tales of tea tree oil and mayonnaise don’t work. those little suckers are hard to get rid of. You have to treat your entire house. the couches….the pillows….everything. high heat kills them. throw the pillows in the dryer. wash all your linens…that’s why lice is such a drag….it’s a lot of work. that’s what you can do to make up for it.
March 30th, 2006 at 1:23 pm
I love that you wrote this. Your mother has always been an inspiration to me, from the way she treats your Dad, to the way she raises you kids. I used to tell her that I wished she was my mother. I’ve always thought she was an amazing person, self-sacrificing as a mother does. She deserves the better treatment you are talking about. I know she loves you girls more than life itself, and I know she has always put her family before herself. I love her to pieces and I hope she is happy throughout the rest of her life. If there is ever anything I can do to help her achieve that happiness, I owe her big time for showing me how to be a good person and a great mother and I would be there for her in a heartbeat. I love you Aunt Deb!
March 30th, 2006 at 1:59 pm
I did try my best to clean the upstairs late last night (it took a long time with one arm) but I still don’t feel it’s enough. Like Karen said, she always treats us all and raised us.
And Karen, I think she’s always looked at you as another daughter, and she’d be there for you too. That’s how she is.
I just don’t know what to say or do to show my apperication, thanks and love for her. I will still clean the house and learn to cook…for her, because I hate cleaning and cooking lol.
March 30th, 2006 at 3:39 pm
All I can say it that’s love. Knowing that you recognized how you have treated your Mom is mature and I’m happy to hear you are going to be better. Remember Mom’s love unconditionally…