Ashamed
A while ago, probably last year sometime, my mother found out she had head lice. I know that if she ever read this, she would probably kill me for mentioning such an embarrassing thing, but I swear theres a point, and Mom, if you do end up reading this (I know you sometimes stumble accross my blog from Karen’s) then please read the rest of this post before getting upset. Well, back to my story (and hopefully my point). The look on her face was total devastation when our hairdresser announced it to her, she had thought it was just the new shampoo she had started using.
Why am I ashamed because my mother had head lice? Such a common and unimportant thing? Well, my mom had to call her friend Donna to come over and help her with the treatment, because my sisters and I wouldn’t help her. I am so ashamed of it, and I really did want to help her. But I am very afraid of spiders and bugs, especially bugs in your hair, and getting head lice had always been a fear of mine. That’s no excuse however, no excuse at all to neglect my mother at her time of need.
After all those times she’s stood by me, through hospital appointments and surgeries, sleeping on that very uncomfortable mateiral that the small sofa in the hospital bed is made of, and that was how I repaid her? After all those times she made sure I got the proper dosage, helped me wash my hair and even bath after surgeries, and I couldn’t help her with this one small thing? Now I know that I should have cast my stupid fears aside and helped the women who gave birth to me. So why didn’t I? If I could go back in time, I would. But I can’t. And I know that one small thing probably scared her for life, four daughters and not one would help. What kind of people are we? This woman has taken care of us since the day we were born, and all we do in return is hurt her. She cooks, cleans and hardly ever gets any help. None of us have ever offered to cook dinner for her, or to clean the entire house while she sits back with a book and relaxes.
Words can’t express how sorry and ashamed I am for all that. Even though I never help out aound the house, she still is there for me. Loving me and all my thousands of imperfections. She’s wiped tears from my eyes, as well as my sisters. She’s been there, steady and strong for my entire life and all I have done is taken advantage of her.
I can’t sleep right now, because I am so overwhelmed with shame and guilt. All this was brought on by a fight my mother and sister were having, this is completely not their fault. It was something Kathrynn said that got me thinking this way. “Do you think Jessica is going to take care of you when you need it?” She said that because she thought Mom was playing favourites, even though she loves ALL of us with the same amount of love. Hearing that made me think about the time my mom got head lice. I decided to make A LOT of changes just now, about who I am and what I’ve done.
I’m going to help out around the house a HELL of a lot more, I will do every chore I’m capable of doing. I’m going to ask my mom if she would teach me how to cook, so when she gets a part time job or even on a regular day I can cook dinner for everyone, so she doesn’t have too. I’m going to be more respectful to my parents, even my sisters. I know I make plans like this all the time, but this time I mean it.
My beautiful, amazing, wonderful mother is starting to show strain of it all. There have been a few times now where she has broken down in tears and confided in me. I don’t want her to get up and leave one day, having finally had enough of us. I don’t want her to have a heart attack from how much stress she has, or for her to have a broken heart because she gets the impression that her daughters don’t care (even though we do).
I have a wonderful role model for a mother, she is truly an amazing mother. There are people in this world who are not as fortunate as I am, or were not, and had complete twats who didn’t know what they were doing. Yet I have a spectacular woman standing in front of me, asking to be heard. It shames me so much that my mom’s mother, my Nana, was very cold towards her. All Mom wanted to do was to raise her kids to know love and have a mother who was there for them, and we have become lazy and selfish because we have always gotten it easy. I can’t even believe myself, or my sisters for that matter. We are so lucky, we have great parents who love us to death and a secure home, untouched by divorce or violence, and this is how we repay them? Such amazing people who only wanted their children to grow up happy, loved and with things that they never had while growing up themselves?
If I were you, I’d spit in my face.
Posted by Sarcastica @
2:04 am |
I Might As Well Just Live There!
As mostly everyone who reads this blog knows, my doctors appointment was today. It was a long day of waiting, and when Dr. W finally came to see me, his face lit up because I was smiling. Want to know why I was smiling? Because I was telling a funny farting joke to my mom, haha oh well, we shall keep that secret from him. Usually whenever he sees me, I’m not smiling. So this was like a treat for him.
Anyway, it seems all is good. The doctors gave us some tips on how to slowly wean off the heavy duty pain killers I still sorta am on. They also took out the stitches in my finger… ouch, that was the first time I ever had the kind that don’t disapear on their own. I also talked to my doctors about a few more bone growths that are causing me discomfort and pain… and I am having another surgery sometime this spring. Mom thought it would make more sense to screw up just one term instead of two, and it does make sense but holy crap, I should just live there. I really hope I can still get all my credits! If I do terribly in English and Anthro, then I don’t get into the Writers Craft class that I was so looking forward too.
Also, I learned something else about MHE that I didn’t know before. It has to be watched because some of the bone tumors can become cancerous. It’s what they call low key cancer and a low risk, but still. “Low risks” usually aren’t that low for me. And I really don’t want to switch doctors and hospitals next year…I’m comfortable there.
I have no idea how I’m going to pull of graduating with my friends, I’m already so far behind as it is and that other surgery is going to make things worse. It’ll be on both knees so I’ll have trouble with crutches. Past experience has taught me that it’s most certainly easier to operate crutches using the help of one leg, and I will not use a wheelchair. Besides, I would have a hard time using a wheelchair at my school anyway.
I’ve been trying to update this blog since yesterday but everytime that I get it started, I get kicked off the computer. Kathrynn has been trying to “finish” her homework and Microsoft Word has a virus (thanks to her downloading music) and doesn’t work properly, so she sits there all night trying to open the file, and no one else gets to use the computer.
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7:48 pm |
I Saw Some People!
I went to school for about 20 minutes or so, because I needed books from my locker and to talk to the principle about the laptops. I’m going to keep both, the one the school gave me at school and mine at home, that way I don’t have to take one back and forth. It’ll be easier in the long run, I get to keep my own lap top and use the shiney pretty one at school. I guess I can settle for that, haha. Anyway, when my mom and me walked into the Attendance office, I ran right into Caitlin and Rob! Two of my good friends who I usually hang out with at lunch (unless they are groping in a corner, lol). Caitlin and I made small talk while Rob finished talking to the VP, then they left after both telling me that they missed me and wanted me back at school soon. Unfortunatly, I didn’t get to see JD, Kyla or Adam, because it was during third period break and they weren’t downstairs, it was a chance meeting that I saw Caitlin and Rob. Although they’re usually in the office for groping in the halls haha.
I talked to the prinicple, and saw Mr. P (my math teacher), he told me to get better and take it easy. I also saw Mr. St. T but he didn’t say anything to me, just gave me a weird look - but he always gives weird looks, I just tried to smile at him and yeah. Then I went up to my locker and got out my books, then left. I was diasppointed yet relieved I didn’t see many people - I mean I wasn’t looking my best, but I miss all my friends. The people I did see said hi though.
I really do want to go back to school, but because I’m having so many problems with the medication my mom just doesn’t think it’s going to happen this week. I know it’s going to be a real bitch catching up, and I know that JD is probably pissed at me for taking so long but I can’t come back yet. Last night, I had trouble getting to sleep and staying asleep, so I had to have the pain killers. They seem to be the only thing that lets me get some sleep. I was up at one, I tried to sleep on the couch thinking that would be better with no luck. Finally I knocked on my parents door and took some pain killers. I really hate them, I do. They make me feel weird and I hate the dreams I have when I’m on them. Last night I dreamt some crazy man kidnapped me and someone I was with, as well as other people, and tried to teach us about life…it was like that movie Saw or something. It was crazy scary and weird. He killed the other people and I dunno, it was WEIRD.
So now both the laptops are at school getting the proper programs loaded into them. I feel guilty that I can’t sell JD my old one anymore (my dad wants it for office use), I promised her…but if she saves up at least $1000 bucks then she could go to Best Buy and get a pretty good computer. When I get the laptop back, I’m going to have to have her come over so she can help me with my ComTech stuff. She’s a pro at the programs, well she’s certainly better then I am, haha.
Posted by Sarcastica @
4:44 pm |
Just Another Boring Old Sunday
Last night was horrible! I tried to go to sleep around 11pm, after Mr. Deeds, but I couldn’t sleep at all. Around 1am or so, I finally got sick of the “withdrawals” or whatever, so I went upstairs and my dad talked me into taking my pain medication. I guess that it was a bad idea to go “cold turkey”, but in a way it was good because I haven’t had any meds yet today, I think I’m only going to take it at bed time. That means that it’ll be easier to get off them, right? My doctor appointment is on Wednesday, so I’ll talk to him then. It’s like impossible to get ahold of anyone at my hospital, especially on a Sunday.
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5:47 pm |
This Is It..My Fun Saturday Night
This is how I’m going to spend my Saturday night; watching the pretty decent movie line up of While You Where Sleeping, My Best Friend’s Wedding, and then Mr. Deeds. After Mr. Deeds, I’m probably going to go to bed. I’m cranky, lonely and upset. I haven’t had any meds since 4 in the morning, my arm is killing me and I’m pretty sure that I’m going through withdrawals because I’m not having my regular intake of pain killers. I’m boiling hot one minute, then shivering cold the next. It’s like I have a fever or something, and I’m so cranky because of it. I thought being off these stupid drugs would make me feel better but no. My arm hurts and I’m having “withdrawals”. Well, at least the sub I had for dinner is still in my stomach, which is comforting.
On top of that, I’ve got no one to talk to: my sisters are all out and my parents are entertaining guests in the garage. I really wanted to invite JD over but I knew that David was going to have some kind of party today so I didn’t bother. Oh well, I suppose that I wouldn’t have been much fun in my current state. Although I still have nobody to talk to, and I really wish that I could type with both hands because this is SO slow. I really am sick of this whole “recovering” business. After a while it gets really old. Last night I woke myself up several times because my pillows fell off my bed and I accidently rolled over onto my sore arm and woke up in pain, it wasn’t a very fun night. At least I’m keeping my food down, which is what I wanted right? So I guess I should suck it up right? It seems with every hour the shivers and what not get slightly better, so maybe I won’t be feeling this way tomorrow.
I bet I sound really whiney and complainy and cranky, but I really just want this all to end and go back to normal. “Cronic” pain I can put up with far better then those pills the doctors gave me, I mean I’m used to cronic pain…not being on medication all the time. I don’t think I explained about the cronic meds or not, so I’ll do it again for good measure. When I was in the hospital, a few doctors from some sort of cronic pain floor came to see me. They said that they were going to put me on this stuff to help with the pain that I’m always in called “Novo Gabapentin”. I’m supposed to take it every eight hours but I don’t think it mixed too good with the other stuff I was taking for the pain of after surgery, stuff called “Hydromorphone”. I don’t know which one was making me sick to my stomach all the time, so I’ve stopped taking both. Probably not the best idea, but it’s the only solution I could come up with. Besides, I’ve been in pain like my whole life, why are they suddenly putting me on drugs for it? I used to think that my doctor thought I was making it up. I’m glad that they now know that MHE hurts, mostly all the time. And Tylenol doesn’t work, neither does Advil.
Mr. Deeds is on now. I’m going to go watch it.
Posted by Sarcastica @
10:28 pm |
Urrg
Yes, that’s today’s title. That’s how I feel. I’ve decided to go off the pain killers, I think they were making me sick everyday. So now I’m in pain. And I’m cranky. I also think I have a fever.
Anyway, I made my dad angry. I told him how I felt about the whole laptop deal. I’m really nervous, I had bad dreams about it all night. At first I couldn’t even get to sleep because of it. He got mad, which was understandable but he can’t see it from my point of view. I mean, when you stand out for all the wrong reasons, the one thing you really want is to just blend in. To bring a laptop to school would make all those reasons why I don’t blend in stand out more. My dad said that “I’m sixteen and shouldn’t care what other people think of me”, ok, he can say that because he doesn’t know what it’s like. Let’s say I didn’t have MHE, then I wouldn’t care because there would technically be nothing wrong with me. If I wanted to bring a laptop to school, I wouldn’t care because there wouldn’t be an actual reason, other then I wanted too. (I know Charred is probably going chew me out for this, but it’s how I feel…).
My mom said that I could use the laptop for the time being and then when I can write again, I won’t have to take it too school. It’s better then my old one which I use for writing stories..so I don’t know. I can’t remember the reason why I got one in the first place.
My mom’s kinda stressing out, she isn’t feeling too good and Dad’s having some people over, so she’s trying to clean the house. Both Kathrynn and Josephine left and “the useless one” remains.
Posted by Sarcastica @
5:58 pm |
That Was Fast
Poor David called me again at lunch, expect this time I was just about to go laptop shopping with my dad, so I had to let the poor guy go before we could really talk! Sorry Dave, you must think I’m a bitch for wasting yet another 25 cents! I really did want to help him out with a few problems he was having, but my father was impatient to leave.
We bought a Compaq Presario (yeah, I know, I said I wanted a Dell Latitude D610 but Best Buy and Future Shop don’t sell Dells. If only someone told me that!). It’s apparently better then the computer we have that the whole family goes on. It has 896MB of RAM and 1.58 GHz, and I have the option of high speed and wireless, but I can get high speed because I live out in the middle of nowhere, and I’m pretty sure wireless is really expensive, and I probably can’t have it out where I live anyway. I don’t know if all that is good, but David the Computer Geek at Best Buy said so. I also found out how to work Memory Keys! I’m so not in this “high tec” loop. And they say kids are supposed to be smart with computers, all I know is how to turn it on and start up the net. Ok - maybe I’m more educated then my parents and sometimes my sisters, I’m pretty good with figuring things out for myself, but things are changing and I’m confused. Like when did memory keys come into the picture? Or computer mouses that hook up with a USB port instead of that round cord thing?
Where we live, the teachers at colleges and universities are still on strike. Shannon’s boyfriends younger brother has been out of his last year of college for two weeks already, and he’s supposed to graduate in April. I think it’s really stupid for teachers to go on strike if they work for a college or university, where the students must pay large amounts of money to take classes and are unable to because the teachers want a raise and more benefits. Yeah, wanting a raise and better benefits is understandable, but what about the students that are about to graduate? They are probably going to have to pay for the course all over again and take it next year, and not graduate this year, right? How messed up is that?
It’s alright, I don’t know what I’m talking about either. Plus my tummy hurts because my dad decided to give me a glass of milk with a quarter of chocolate milk in it, after I ate cheese and crackers. Cheese + Chocolate = Upset tummy 
Posted by Sarcastica @
5:59 pm |
Laptop Woes
Today I’m not feeling very well at all. Poor David spent thirty cents calling me at lunch time, just a few minutes after he called I had to let him go because I felt like I was going to vomit (and I did). It sucked because I look forward to his lunch time calls all day, because then I get to talk to someone besides myself and my parents.
My mom is currently researching into getting me a new laptop. It kinda sucks, because it won’t be nearly as nice as the Dell Latitude D610 the school loaned me…but I suppose it will be mine. Although, I fell in love with the Dell Latitude D610, it’s so sleek and pretty! The one she’s looking at may be less expensive, but I so do not belive that cheaper is better. Maybe it’s better for your bank account, but the last “cheap” laptop I had reall was cheap. I use my laptops for typing, and the laptop she bought me has a messed up keyboard that annoyed me. If I were to use it, I would have to attach a normal keyboard to the back of it and type off that. So I’m really nervous about this whole “cheaper” laptop, I mean it’s going to be cheap for a reason right? If anyone could suggest a very nice, high performance, light-weight laptop for “cheap”, then please email me with the details! I’m not sure what I’m supposed to look for in a laptop, but I’m sure someone out there is a computer geek - er, I mean, has more knowledge on the matter.
Posted by Sarcastica @
1:37 pm |
The Green Eyed Monster
I hate being jealous, I really do. Jealousy eats away at the mind, like it’s doing to me now. I am way out of the loop because I haven’t been to school in a few weeks, so I still have no idea if Monique really is dating D. If she is, I can’t be mad at her, she’s a really sweet girl who’s been burnt a lot in the past (like me). But I can be mad at D for lying to me, right? And for making it seem like we had something? Don’t answer that, in my head it’s fair to be mad at him. I’ve liked him forever, and not in that creepy stalker, hide-outside-your-window-and-bake-you-cookies way either. (And JD, I know what your thinking. Perhaps I did call him a lot in grade nine but it was him after every conversation saying “Call me tomorrow!”, and he always sounded ecstatic to hear from me). He told me at semi that it wasn’t that he found me unattractive, he said he found me very attractive, but he said he couldn’t be in a relationship because he couldn’t open himself up that way to someone. But he has opened up to me and let me in his head! So now I have this “jealousy worm” eating away at my brain. Fucking jealousy worm. I just want to know why I’m not good enough, I mean if I’m pretty and smart and fun, then how come it’s not enough? Shall I wear slutty clothes and degrade myself just to get the attention of someone who’s standing right in front of me, unable to see me?
I also hate it when people tell me to “just forget about it”, or “leave the subject alone, block it out of your head”. If I were able to block this all out of my head, I would, trust me. What makes it even more difficult is that I have to spend every day at home, with nothing to do but think. At least when I’m not recovering from surgery, I’m able to throw myself and my thoughts into school work, friends, and volunteering. What am I supposed to do here to take my mind away from the jealousy worm? Again, there is nothing on daytime TV; the computer bores me after a while; it’s difficult to understand what your reading a lot of the time, so books are out; I can’t call my friends because they aren’t home; and I’ve seen all the movies we have a thousand times before. So jealousy worm always wins and I start to think about things. Then when I try to confine in a friend, they get annoyed (or tried of hearing it) and tell me to drop it.
Perhaps I’m “obsessing” with D not liking me and possibly dating someone else because something else is bugging me, something deeper. I know that I’m really sick of being restricted by my MHE, and dealing with being dumped because of it or not being like because of it; or watching my friends go snowboarding and wondering what it’s like; you know, watching them experience all those things that I can’t. I miss being at school and seeing everyone, and truthfully, I’m worried about whats going to happen when I go back. I’ll need to use a fricking laptop! Kathrynn said that people make fun of the people who use laptops! I hate standing out in this bad way. Plus, everyone who doesn’t already know is going to ask me what happened and I’ll have to explain it to them, over and over again. It’s such a long story too! They’ll ask what happened, I’ll tell them I had a surgery, they’ll ask me why, and I’ll have to explain my MHE to them.
I feel so fake, I’m supposed to help other teens deal with their MHE and I can barely deal with it myself. I suppose my experiences and advice could help a few people… but I don’t know. The “Teen Scene” is now in motion, three other girls are a part of it too. We’re now tossing ideas around for the newsletter. Mandy and I were thinking about being the “Dear Abby’s” of the newsletter, except we’ll use our real names. If you didn’t know, a “Dear Abby” column is where people send you questions and you answer them, it’s an advice column. Nicole, one of the other girls, is going to do a regular comic strip. Jodie, the youngest volunteer (who happens to have just started a blog), is writing an article on surgery, and I am working on one about bullying. I’m really nervous, what if I fail? I want to help people, but I don’t know if I can handle doing all that on top of trying to pull up my grades. I don’t want to let everyone down by pulling out of the Teen Scene, but I also don’t want to fail Math. We’ll see how everything goes though.
Posted by Sarcastica @
9:29 pm |
Watching The Days Go By
I can’t go to school until after I see my doctor, which is on the 29th. As you can imagine, I have been very bored. The computer only amuses me a little bit, and only for a little while. Although we have satalite, I can never find anything to watch. Day time TV sucks, so I usually watch CMT. Unlike most people my age, I like country. A lot of it tells a meaningful story. I especally like “sad” country, like Leanne Rhymes “Probably Wouldn’t Be This Way”, and that new Rascal Flat song thats in my MSN name. I still don’t know the title of that song, even though I’ve watched the really sad music video several times. The music video is about a girl who’s boyfriend died in a car accident when he was on his way home from seeing her (that reminds me of Kyle S, who died in a car accident shortly after he dropped his girlfriend off at home). Her grief is just so… I don’t even know how to describe it, but the music video fit the lyrics perfectly. If that ever happened to me, don’t even know how I’d get out of bed. I mean I was devastated after B broke up with me!
Anyway, I sorta veered off from talking about how boring my days are. I hate Math, but I really want to see all my friends again. I still don’t know if D is actually dating that Monique girl, so I don’t know if I’ll accept that hug he says he’s going to give me when he sees me. I don’t know how to feel anymore, if he is dating someone then I’ll be really hurt. How come I’m never good enough for anyone I like? I don’t even want to like D anymore, I mean it’s going nowhere. But how do you get over someone that you’ve been struggling to get over for years? If I knew the answer people, I would already be over D.
I really need to get out there and see a varity of nice guys, maybe that would help with the getting over D thing.
Posted by Sarcastica @
1:26 pm |
